EDITOR'S WALLET.

Otago Witness, Issue 2813, 12 February 1908, Page 91

EDITOR'S WALLET.

The \ew T* ran in.

This is tho ago ->f tho faddist, as 1 have ■discovered to my co^t. Many country houses- might now be mistaken for private iunatio asylums by any departed ancestor who should chance to look in at certain hours oi the day.

I had boon in the wilds of Borneo for some jeeirs, and when I returned home I determined to have a largo house party to •celebrat*.- tho e\ent. I used to be a. good hostess, and I had no fear or hesitation. I did no. know. I gathered the friends of uiy youth from far and near, and said, "liOt U3 make merry." But instead, they regarded me with solemn, wondering eyes, as though I were some foolish creature capering on the edge of a precipice. In Borneo thero is not much opportunity for studying hoalth systems,, aud how oo'uld I toll that for months after the London s>eaicn they would all be thinking how to recoup their exhausted energies?

So when I saw Flossie Durham walking mp and down the corridor outside her bedroom in a. gymnasium suit at 8 o'clock in the morning, going through extraordinary antics, I thought the poor thing had gone suddenly out of her mind. "Go back to bed, dear," I said soothingly. "You will catch cold." Flossie is, 6hort, v dnd, to say the least of it, plump, and*- she was in a 'iterfflbly hot, TsKeatltlißss condition. " Come with me." coaxingly. " You ehall have some ice for your head, and" I will send for the doctor."

I waa so frightened and bewildered that I hardly knew what I was saying. ■'lee'for my head?" she repeated. "What for*" But, even while she was speaking she rMjrer 6topped her dreadful antics, shooting ont first one leg and then the other as high as ehe could as she "walked." "You mustn't interrupt," she said breathlessly. ■"Jimmy Hope will be out. directly, and I've skill got to do my skipping." " Olv don't !" I implor«J. for if she once began to skip I "did not know what might happen. "Do go back to bed." " It's the worst thing," she panted. " I ""love it, but ' -I'm wound up> and «sh"ot out

every morning at 8 o'clock. It's a patent arrangement. I couldn't manage it otherwise." It was terrible. I did not know what to do Her mind seemed quite gone, and yet she had, apparently, been sane enough the night before. I had ne\or heard of such a sudden breakdown. " Please, go. away," she .said impatiently. " Jimmy will bo so cross if I keep him waiting, and my time's nearly up." " But what is he going to do?" I asked in amazement. " Tho came as I am doing, of course, but he'e got on further. He can do the ' bend one knee double, stretch out the other leg straight, place one hand flat on the floor, and stretch tho other out behind' exercise." It sounded somehow like a centipede. My hpad was in a whin. " I don't know how he managed it," she i said crossly. "I am «uro no one could have worked harder than I have." She snatched at the skipping rope quite viciously, as though she hated it — at which I didn't wonders — and went bounding_ up and down the corridor like a big indiarubber ball. It wa« a sad spectacle. A gymnasium suit is such a severe test. She stopped as suddenly as she had begun, threw a cloak round her, and rushed off to the bathroom. " I n met get on the scales and be weighed," she said. " I'd lost four ounces yesterday morning. Wasn't it good?" T3)en at hxst I" undfergtood. ''But four ounces I I felt like moralising. It seemed to reverse the old proverb of throwing a sprat to catch a mackerel. If I had imagined that we might at least have breakfast in peace "I was to find out my mistake.* Three of my euesH shuddered at bacon, two at fish, and the whole table looked askance at what I considered a delicious game pie. " Pastry at this hour in tho morning?'* they cried. "No," vntuously; "it is asking too much of any digestion." I thought cf some breakfasts I had' yaten ir> Borne", and wished they had been there. ."But what is the matter with the bacon and fish? I *!- 1 asked. "I shouhd really be .awfully obliged if you'd tell me. You see. I'm a poor, ignorant exile. I've been so loner away from civilisation."

i "Well," they solemnly, " bacon is pork, jbdu know." I intimated that I had grasped that fact. "And, putting aside the danger of trichinosis, there is no nourishment to be foand in pork." i " But," I asked humbly, "does one eat | only for the sake of nourishment?" j " One should." they answered, looking at j me a 6 thoufgh I were a glutton of the first i water. Somebody said something about ' the ancient Romans, and mentioned the ' feasts of Lucullus. i There was a lull between breakfast and , lunch. I noticed nothing unusual except that one man went for a solitary walk with his mouth wide open, and another asked if I had any spot where he might dig. But at lunch the trouble began again. When I had last been a hostess in England. I I had ordered the meals without consulting imy guests. That I now found was a mistake. I One lady took nothing but nuts and | ehtesp, a big man- clamoured for a' rice pudding, and Flossie — poor thing ! — snt sipping a tumbler of hot milk, though she looked at every dish as it passed as if she could devour it. j In the afternoon some of us drove or walked, and some played games. But the ' games gpemed to be all chosen with an i object, not merely for recreation, as they | used to be. Tennis was so good because it put you in a healthy glow, archery because it left, you cool. Golf encouraged you to walk' more miles than you ,oth^<■wise would, and hookey was excellent training for mind and body generally. I quite longed to hear of some game that h^d no moral effect. But of many difficulties "air" was perhaps the greatest. Some people wanted the windows open a little, others as far as they would go, the extremists clamoured ff-rf f -r opon doors as well, so that, when it wis I their turn, things had <o bo kept in their ! places with heavy weights. i "If there i<? one thing the microl>e hate J more than another it is a thorough I draught." they said. "Look for him in ! dusty corners, in over-hoated rooms, in any i ?pot that., is sheltered from the hsjht and air." But it scorned to mo it ha<l boen more comfortable when wo hadn't looked I for him at all.

Even going to bed was not the simp'-s matter it once was. Boiling water had to be slowly sipped by some, sand-.vic ios taken up for nightly refreshment to ot'ie-s, exerciser, of one kind and another to bo performed by not a few. I went in and found Flossie doing " deep breathing, standing erect with outstretched arms like a signpost. " Poor dear !" I said, a 6 I kissed her. " Why not give it up and be happy and comfortable? What are four ounces?" "' Xearlj'' two pounds a week," she answered logically. "Besides, all superfluous fat i< not only a burden, but a po-i-tive danger. It leads to " But. I did not wa.it to hear where it !ed. — Dff.£K Yaxe, in the Daily Mail.

•• All Welsh." "fjook !' exclaimed a patriotic Welshman, pointing to tho camp of a Welsh regiment, "gal lan*, little Wa'es's glorious old regiment." "Half Irishmen, aren't they?" queried tho visitor. "No, sir; all Welsh, sir, all Welsh," retorted the Welshman. "Suppose we ask some of the soldiers their names," the visitor said. "Agieod!" cried the Welshman. "Terence Maginnis," was the first reply. Taffy was crestfallen. "Paucieen O'Yaughey," "Dan O'Oonncil,'' and "Pothrick Murphy," were the next answers. A wild look came into Taffy'b 'V<- % as he asked another soldier. "Noil Matheson ! Am frac the Braes o' Balguithor," replied the latter. The Welshman rooled. "Your name." he cried hoarsely to a private. "My name vos Isaac Twinklestein," w.ia the dreadful response. Taffy dropped, but his glazing eye <"i>!i upon the regimental goat, and he shnokod triumphantly: "Tno goat— the goat at least is Welsh:" "(Tarn away," retorted a soldier in immUtakabi. cockney accents, "the goat is a. blooming Gyptian from Souf Efricker."

A«>\ew Way to Pay lour Debts. "Now sir." -said tho shoeihaker ; ?'pay mo my bill or I ahaM lose my temper; I ' havo waited long enough." "My good man," the creditor replied, , "I liavi no money, but I will give you an | order oa Air H , who has been in my i debt for ever so long. Here, take this j sealed packet, but don't let him perceive 1 that you know anything- of ita contents." I Tho shoemaker, in great glee, betook himself to Mr H * and handed him th-a missive, which ran as follows: — ■'Deai- H, the bearer, an unfortunate but hom-st man, has lost his wifo and children during the last week, and is, besides, threatened witli imprisonment for debt. Persuaded that you will gladly seize any appor- > tunity to assist a poor man in distress, I , commend him to your kindness. — Yours I sincerely O ." I H gazed with emotion at his visitor | «md pressed 30s on his acceptance. The shoe- ' maker departed m a happy frame, of mind, | little suspecting that ho had been taken for I a beggar. I "

i The l*assin«- of the Horse Every little while they tell us that the hoiga has got to go; First the tram-car was invented, 'cause 1h» horses went so slow, Aud they told us that we'd better not keep I raisin' colts no more. j When the street cars got to moting that the I horses pulled before, I thought it wais all over for old Fan, and Doll and Kit, S'posecl the horse was up and done for. But he ain't went yit! i "When the biking craze first started people told us right away, ( As you probably remember, that the horse had saw his day; | People pxit away their buggies and w«tit kitin' round on wheels; There was lots and lots of horses didn't even earn their meals. 1 used to stand and watch 'em with their bloomers as they'd flit. And I thought the hoTse was goin'. But he ain't ■went yit-i