FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2813, 12 February 1908, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

— The wise man apologises before he gets hurt. — It i 3 harder to beat a poor carpet than a good one. — Men who always look before they leap seldom leap. — Prosperity smiles at the few and laughs at the many. — Some people are sympathetic because it costs nothing. ! — Being in love gives a girl one more exeusa for crying. — Love is a blissful dream; marriage is the alarm clock. — Talking of dogs, a pointer should have more thar> one good point. — A wise man does not let his business interfere with his pleasure at all times. — Nearly every woman will honour her husband as long as he loves and obeys her. — A weman has lost her chief attraction for a man when he ceases to wonder what she will do next. — She: "Tell me, when you were in the army, were you cool in the hour of danger?" He: "Cool? Why, I shivered!" — George: "So you asked old Brown for his daughter's hand. What did he say?" — "He said,, ' Take her, and let me be happy.' " — " I'm just crazy to be a reporter, said the rich man's daughter. "Insanity is no qualification," returned the editor, closing the interview. — Freddy: "Love is a disease." Dolly: "Yes, and with some it appears to be a lingering disease." And then he called for his hat and oane. — He : " Who 16 that plain old lady in the corner?" She: "That is my mother." He: ''Oh, I'm sorry. Now you mention it I see the likeness." — "Who can tell me the meaning of leisure?' 1 asked the teacher. "Please, miss, it's a place where married people repent !" replied an infant novel reader. — Mamma : "After the naughty little boy hit you on the nose, Tommy, did you hit him baok?" Tommy (sobbing) : "N-no, m-mamma, I h-hit him b-back f-first." — Church : "I never saw a man who ran an Eutcmobile have any patience." Gotham . "Well, I know a doctor who owns a car, and he'b got several right in my house that I know of." — "Ob, yes, my r.ieep had a grand wed ding ; everyone gave her the most magnificent presents." " And what was yours." — " Oh, I gave one of the toasts at the wedding breakfast." — "Sne's really too young to go shopping alone." — "Yes, she is rather impressionable." — "'lmpressionable? How do you mean?" — " I mean she's liable to get ex cited and buy something." — He : " Are you quite sure that you bave never been kissed before?" She: " Yes, indeed ! But if you keep on asking such foolish questions much longer, someone will come along and kiss me." — Counsel : "Come, sir, do you mean to tell me you didn't see the complainant's cow on the land? How near should you be to a. beast to recognise it?" Witness : "About the distance I am from 1 you." — Mistress : " What does it mean, cook? More gas has been burned in the kitchen than ever before." Cook: "I don't know, ma'am ; I try to be economical. I never turn it out, so t-B to save the matches." — Mamma : "And that is the etory of Santa Claus." Modern Small Boy : "It seems to me, mamma, intrinsically improbable. How can he raise the vast sums necessary to defray his annual expenses?" — Countryman (applying for a ticket_ at a railway station) : "Hoy, mister, thirdclass to London." Booking Clerk : "Have an insurance ticket too?" Countryman : " No, I took one of them last time, an' ha i no luck." —As Tommy was about to climb into his chair at the dinner table his mother said: "Are your hands clean, dear?" " Course they are." rep^ed Tommy virtuously. "If you don't believe it, look at the towel." — Lady (after about 20 minutes' crossexamination) : "Now tell me, constable, what is that strap under your chin for?" P.O. 33L: "Well, mum, that's to rest my jaw on -when I gets tired of answering silly questions." — "What is the title of your essay ?" asked the kind father.— " The Value of Time." — "I'm afraid it won't do. Anybody with a proper comprehension of that topic would know better than to sit down and write essays about it." — Singleton: "What's the -matter, old man? You seem to have trouble on your mind." Wedderly : "My wife told me to order something in town, and I'll be hanged if I can remember whether it was a settee- or a tea-set." — Coal Dealer: "We'll have to stop mixing slate and stones and old iron a-nd things with our coal."' Yard 1 Man : "Phwat's th' matfcher, sor?" Coal Dealer: " The stuff won't burn, and one ton lasts a customer all the winter." — "Answer me, Clara!" he said, in a moment of passion. " I can bear this suspense no longer!" "Answer him, Clara," echoed the old man in the hall, thinking of the coal and gas bills. " I can't bear this expense much longer." — Srr-i<h "Good morning, Jones. I hear you have a son and heir." Jones : " Yes, our household now represents the United Kingdom." Smith: "How's that?' v Jone3 : " Why, you see, lam English, the nurse is Scotch, and the baby wails." — When Mr Smith got on to the top of th© tramcar he laid a bag on the two seats in front of him. A stranger lifted the bag and sat down. " Sir," said Mr Smith, "I am reserving these seats for two gentlemen." "That's all right." said the stranger. " I'll be one of them." — " I hope," said the serious man, " that you haven't been betting on the races?" " I hope so, too," said the young man with the red necktie and the restless eye. " I hope I will wake up to-morrow and find out that the whole thing was a^ wild dream. But there's no use hoping." — The letters R.S.V.P. on the card announcing an "At homo" in celebration of a Jewish minister's silver wedding were a big puzzle to one of his flock. He consulted a friend. "Don't you see?" said the latter " Ifc means ' Receiving Silver Vedding Presents.' It is a gentle hint." — Weary Willie : " There was a time, friend', when I had more'n a thousand' men working for me." Tired Tim: "You don't look like a man that ever had control of a thousand labourers." Weary Willie: "I didn't say they were "labourers. They were taxpayers. I was in the workhouse." — The lad; was addicted to bridge, and 1 the clpigyrran tried gentle remonstrance. "3T9Ur iadyjbjp," be said, "nildj^ "cannot

fail to have noticed the time wasted in playing cards." " That's just what I have noticed," she replied. " I always fret a* the time lost in shuffling and dealing."

— " What does your father do to earn his living?" asked a New York principal of a pupil who was being admitted. "Please, ma'am, he doesn't live with us; mamma supports rre."— " Well, then, how does you>- mother earn her living?" — "She gets paid for staying away from papa," replied the child arfessly. — Once when Rudyard Kipling was a. boy he ran out on the yardarm of a ship. "Mr Kipling." yelled a scared sailor, "your boy js on a yardarm, and if he let's go, he'll drown." "Ah, responded Mr Kipling, with a yawn, "but he won't let go." This incident ako happened to Jim Fiske, Horace "Walpole, Napo'eon Bonaparte, Dick Turpin, Julius Csesar, aned the poet Byron

— When Jones got home he found the following note in his wife's handwriting: " Have gone to have my kimono cut out." Jones rushed to the hospital, fearing thai his wife was even then undergoing some fearful operation. He insisted that she must be there. It was a small town, and there was only one hospital. The matron said there was some mistake. Jones produced the note. He knows one faot more about women's dress now.

— A gentleman once sent his servant with nine ducks in & bag, upon which was the following direction: "To Mr MatthewMuddle, with IX ducks." The servant had less of honesty than ingenuity about him. and stole three of the ducks. He neither erased a letter nor a word', nor substituted a new direction. How did lie manage -it ? Solution : He merely placeed the letter S before the numerals, thus: "To Mr Matthew Muddle, with SIX ducks. "

— "'Well?" said the anxious mother, stealing into the room softly as the front door banged. "Itis no use, mother," said the sweet girl, shuddering; "I cannot marry that man. Mother," she continued, " did — did you know he had a glass eye?" — " Yes, Norah, I was aware of the slight infirmity." " Slight infirmity !" said Norah, with another shudder ; " slight I Oh, mother, mother ! He was here, sitting on the sofa, not ten minutes ago, pouring 1 out. his whole heart and wealth of love for me, and looking at me with eyes — or, at loast, one eye — full of affection, and just at the most impassioned part a fly perched right in the corner of the glass eye, and walked slowly across, and he never even blinked. Oh, mother, it was awful !"

— All had been telling long stories of what they had done or would do in the event of a smash-up on the railway, with the exceptjon of one little man, who had listened attentively to the narratives, and taken them all in without a word. "Ever been in an accident" asked the patriarch of the party, noticing the little man's silence. "No," replied the little man quietly. "Then you have no idea what you would do in such circumstances?" continued the patriarch. "No, I haven't,"replied the little man sadly. "With all you big heroes blocking up the doors and windows in your hurry to get out, I don't exactly know what opportunity a. man of my size would have!"- And then a deep^ silence followed, and the little man was troubled no more about railway accidents.