FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2808, 8 January 1908, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

—It is better to be a, has-been, than, a never-was.*,* 4

— What is the easiest thing foir a negro to do? — Eeep dark.

Xt was- ft s fcin^y n-an -wlxo- fcri-esi to <3ry snow and sell it for salt.

— The man without friends doesn't have to worry about losing them. — Love find'a a vr&y, but it's wise to have something to pave that way. — The tiouble with the average breadwinner ;s; s that he wants cake.

—If grey hairs were a- sign of wisdom fewer pecple would have them. — The only sure way to* avoid making mistakes is not to do anything. '

— A girl likes an extravagant man— unless she is thinking of marrying him. — The- chief trouble about unselfish people is that they brag so much about it. — Everyone knows a- number of good rules for training other oeople's children. — It's better to go straight ahead slowly than to travel in a circle at a rapid* pace.

— A mistake is something which is recognised last of all by the fellow who made — There are a good many heroes of novels who couldrtt keep a. io& in real life. _. \ — Why is a ship's rudder like a policeman? — Because it has a stern duty to perform. ' — Hew little quarrelling there would be if your enemy were only broad-minded; like yourself! A woman can waste* aa much time doing fancywork aa a man can arguing about politics-. — A wife is a person who knows the difference between a man's character and his reputation. — The most difficult thing to teach anybody is that he or she is not absolutely essential for the world's welfare.

— What animal has death no effect on? — A pig, because after you have killed him you can cure him and save his bacon. — Mrs Slimson: "ShalL I read you this animal story, Willie?'" Willie: "With or without?"— " With or without what?"— "Affidavits."

— "Little girl, do you always say your tirayers before' you go to bed?" — "Yessir." —"Can you tell me why you cay them?"'— "'Tuessir ; so ma, won't spank me." — The Bells. — ""Wnot makes thot goat shiver' so, Mikel" — "He ate a Lot o-? sleighbells th' other day, and Ivry toime he moves chey jingle, an' he thinka it's winter." — He: "That handsome young girl over there made a fool of me two years ago. 3her "I felt sure that something happened in. your past life that you never got over." —Approaching- it.— "Ma !"— "Yes,~ my son."— r "Do you think I'll ever bo a mollycoddle?"—"I hope not, my boy; but they do aay you grow more like your father every day." — Mother: "What do you- mean: by pushing your baby brother down that ffight of 3tairs?" Dorothy: "Why, mamma, Ise jest joined the society for the first aid to the injured at school, and I wants a subject to practise- on/ r — Among" those who- do not believe m the efficacy o£ advertisements is- a young man of Western Illinois. Under tHe title of "Shy Worshipper" he advertised in the local organ, for a wile, and the only answer he got was- from his sister. — Inquirer (just returned from abroad) : "What's all this scandal about young Bullion and Misg Sweetlips?" Goaker: "Oh, the old thing, you know; first he wood and 1 then he wouldn't; then she sued, and he had to pay up, that's all. — Little Willie: "Oh, Mr Henpeckke, won't you play something on the violin ?'J_ Mr Henpeckke: "Why, really^ I would if I knew how." Little Willie : "Oh, I guess you know how. My- pop says you. play second fiddle to Mrs Henpeckke." — Johnny, said to his father the other day, "Father, haye 1 you. ever noticed haw .often mother says, 'And. so~on, and so on' 1" "Oh, yes, Johnny," was father's reply, looking sadly at the breast of his 'Shirt ; "built never applies to buttons, my boy." — "Never pointy my dear," said the mother, gently. "But, memma,' r objected the little girl, "suppose I don't know the name of the thing?"— " Then let the salesman ' show you all he has in stock until 1 he comes to the article that is desired. ' — Two Carmarthen youths recently visited the Catholic burial ground in. that town, and were very much struck with a number of gravestones that bore the headline, "R.1.P." "What on earth do those letters mean?" asked one. "Why," replied the other with an air of authority, "they stand for, 'Return i£ possible.' " — "Yes," declared a suffragette, "women have been wronged for ages. They have suffered in a thousand ways." "There is one way in which they have never suffered," said a meek-looking man standing up in the rear of the hall. "What way is that?" demanded the eußragette. "They have never suffered in silence ! J ' — Stern Parent: "Your mother tells me you have been naughty again, and therefore I shall be obliged to punish you^ Troublesome Son: "Wh-why can't ma punish me herself, dad? I don't see whwhy you should have to d-do all the odd job 3." — David Slowpay: "I shall bring- you back those dark trousers to Be reseated, Mr Snip. "Sou know I sit a good deal." Mr Snip (tailor): "All right; and if you'll brinar the bill I sent you six months ago, I wilL be pleased, to receipt that also. You know I've stood a good deal." — Friend : "One of your clerks tells me that you 1 raised hrs; salary and told him' to 'get married, under penalty of discharge." ' Business man: "Yes, I do that to all my clerks when they get old enough to marry. I don't want any of your independent, conceited men about my place. — "Great Scott!" said the debtor to his servant girl. "Has nobody called during my two days' absence? I left this elate here for- callers to write, theie names on, and ib is- perfectly clean," "Oh, yea. sir, responded the servant cheerfully. A lot of folk hits ca'ed; an' the slate got eae full o' names that only this mornm I had to rub them a- oot to mak' room for more !" . _ . ,-, , — Jones was at the- theatre, an<s behind nlm 6at a young lady; with a child on. her knee, which was crying unceasingly. Unable to stand* it any longer, Jones turned round and smilingly asked the lady : ' Has that infant of yours been christened- yet? "No, sir;" reptied thff lady. "If I were you I would call it 'Good Idea-,' said Jones. "And why 'Good Idea T >r said tfie lady indignantly.. , "Because," said Jones, "it should" Be carried out." .