FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1819, 1 October 1886, Page 36

FUN AND FANCY.

— A lasting document — An iron will. — Moito for an umbrella — Suum Cuique (let each man have his own). — A bonnet covered with birds does not sing, but it makes a wise man whistle when the bill comes iv. — A drunken lawyer was checked in his argument by the judge, who told him he couldn't stirve two b.irs at thts same time. t— A little girl who saw a snake for the first I time graphically described it to her mother as I "nothing with a tail to it ! " ; — "Now, this is what I call business," remarked an undertaker, when an unfortunate man dropped duad in front of his (the undertaker's) establishment. — " Pa," said Bobby, sleepily, " can I ask you one more question if it aint foolish ?" " Ya-as, one more." " How much older is a ripe old age than ti grseti old age ? " — Mutton leg sleeves are coming into fashion. They have br-on worn beef-ore and we'd just sleoves haw Vm again. l> Is hhoepretty ? " is the main ((nation. Uoat to, Ihou punster.-— Danville Hiw.Ki " They hay th:it he turned the people's heads <;otnpU t'ely," remarked the first young lady. "1 expect ho' came late to church with creaking boots," replied No. 2, sarcastically. — It Was n Match.— -He was particular and had been making lovo on that basis. She was a little that way herself. "Can you cook?" ho inquired. " Can you supply everything to be cooked? " shu replied. It was a match. — In Poland the male guests have to pay a dollar each to kiss the bride. She thinks she is making money, but what she makes in kissing I she loses iv pickle dishes aud plated w are. — Danville Breeze. — One of the choruses of the oratorio, "Naaman" is known as "Tho Policeman's Chorus," owing to the fact that tlie words " Haste, to Samaria let us go," sounds when sung very much like " Haste, to some area let us go." — A Russian maid of honour has just died, age 114. She mu^t have been made of something tougher than honour, for that, don't stand much show for longevity iv tliis world. Who ever heard of a Kussiau made of honour, anj way ? — Ddnvillo Breeze. — "Now, isn't he au angel?" said the fond mother, as she seated tho little fellow in his high chair at the table for the first, time. "A sort of destroying angel," remarked the cynical father, as ho saw a costly decanter go spinning to the floor with a cra-»h. — A girl entered a grocery store and said : " Give me a-hitlf pound of tea." " 1 have some very nice black ami green tun ." " Oh, you have all colours, I .suppose," remarked the girl ; " well, as my mistress is in mourniug, I guess black and white will do," At the punch-bowl's brink Let the thirsty think What they Baw in Japan : " First the man takes a el-ink, Then the drink takes a drink, Then the drink takes the man !" — " Father," .said Rollo, " what is meant by the intoxication of wealth?" "Means that money is tight," replied Hollo's father, who had been shinning around all tho afternoon with a piece of paper looking for an autograph. — "Can you tell mv the difltreuce between a hen with three legs and a very young baby?" asked Hkironymous Tuck of Nebuchadnezzar Snippit. I don't thiuk I can," replied Snippit ; " what is it ? " " One is a little strange and the other is a little stranger." " YV says doy pumps dat ar coal ile outen de yarth ? Den, honey, you looks out fer fun one o' dese days ! Fer when de ile all clean gone offeu de yarth's axtle she boun' to get afire, and den prophesy be 'stablished shuah 'uuff ! " "How is Miss Strongmiud coming on? I don't hear of her advocating woman's rights any more." " She has quit woman's rights business and taken up with woman's left's." " What the mischief is a woman's left ? " " Woman's lefts are widowers. She has married a widower." — Husband to young wife : " I couldn't help being so lato last night, dear. You musn't chide me, love. We should not quarrel, for you know you and I are one now." Young wife :" We are one, are we? Well, if we are, I must have been f ullw'n a goose last night without knowing it." — By Telegraph. — A California^ editor recently telegraphed to friends in a neighbouring town : " Cannot be down till Thursday. Foreman drunk." Ho went down on Thursday, and was astonished by the hilarious manner in which his friends received him. It came out that the telegram, when received, read : " Cannot come down till Thursday forenoon — drunk ! " Not " Idle Tears."— The crocodile is said by a traveller to weep over a man's head when it has di voured the body, after which it will oat up the head too. The phrase " crocodile tears," then, does not mean insincerity so much as it docs greediness. The crocodile does not cry for effect, but because there is so little left of the man to eat. — " If I was to live my life ov^r again," said an American defaultfr as ho cocked his feet in the oftici 1 . of a Montreal hotel, " I'd be a lawyer instead oT a cashier." " For why ? " was ask'e J. " Well, I embezzled 7000dol and am an outlaw and an outcast. My brother-in-law, who is a lawyer, • managed' an estate so that it put him 48,000d0l ahead, and they have elected him mayor of the towu and got him to join the church. I advise young men to think of these things.

Advice to MOTHERS I — Are you broken iv your rest by a sick child suffering with the pain of cutting teeth ? Go at once to a chemist aud get a bottle of Mbs Wikslow's Soothing Syklp. It will relieve the poor sufferer immediat ely . It is perfectly harmless and pleasant to tho taate; it produces natural sleep, by relieving the child from pain ; and the little cherub awakes ' ' as bright aB a button." It sppthes the child, it softens the gums, allays all pain, relievos wind rugulateß the bowels, and is the best known remedy for dysentery and diarrhoea whether arising ti-om teething or other causes. Mks Winslow's Soothing Svnup is sold by medi-cine-dealers everywhere at 1b ljd per bottle.— Advt.l