THE COMMON ROUND

Otago Daily Times, Issue 24406, 18 September 1940, Page 5

THE COMMON ROUND

By Wayfarer

To receive his baton as " Reichsmarshal" Hermann Goering attended the Chancellery in another new uniform, of light grey and silver, with a golden eagle emblazoned on the breast. In the following lines we attempt, (with passing deference to the pronunciations used by various radio announcers) to view this spectacle from an admiring angle: When you're on the Continent(Not a blessing heaven-sent) And you see a blaze of light, Do not straight-away take trisiit. Eye it boldly with aplomb, It may be a British bomb. Or again just Hermann Goering Ablaze with medals that he's wearing If. you're in the Wilhelmstrasse When the Nazi legions pass, —er, ,\nd you find your eyes are beni ~ On a glittering sky-blue tent, Do hot blithely cry to irk us: "Look! The totalitarian circus!" That canopy at which you're glowcnm--Is the uniform of Goering Should you go to Templehot ~ On the R.A.F.'s day off, And there rolls across the ground Something massive, soft and round. Do not shout like a buffoon, "See the big captive balloon! ' For it's nothing half so boring, But a glimpse of Hermann Goerine

Bombs are not the only nasty things which fly.through the air ,We are .thinking of nasty stones: The German news service yester-

day broadcast in all languages an absurd allegation that the R.A.F. has been dropping over Germany and occupied territories containers carrying the Colorado beetle or potato beetle. The opinion is expressed here that Germany is spreading the rumour to explain the prevalence jf the disease, which has caused havoc in the Reich this summer .All through the season the German home broadcasts have been issuing detailed instructions as to how to fight this pest, and how to obtain the collaboration of a special official detection service established to cope with it But perhaps on second thoughts this is rather a nice story, after all.

At least, it puts nice ideas into our mind. As it happens, the story is not true/but it is none the worse for that. That tale about the British having buried a bomb outside Buckingham Palace was, not true either, but it was refreshing. Our only regret was that this column is not published earlier in the week, as,we should then have had the pleasure of beating the big mouthpiece,, little Dr Paul ("Gobbler") Goebbels with the announcement. As it is, We still hope to be just ahead of the Berlin ,radio when it declares that Mr Winston Churchill has sunk the Royal Oak.

What we would suggest now is that when the R.A.F. has grown tired of diving down on the defenceless German potato crops and ruthlessly peppering them with imaginary Colorado beetles, it turns its mind to some other secret weapons that we now propose to make public. For instance: Wafe's Fuhrer Weed-killer: When sprayed over unsigh'ly growths in brown shirts this old-fashioned remedy immediately destroys the pest in its entirety, save for the brass buttons and a slightly offensive odour of rhe oric This can be removed subsequently by washing the spot marked Swastika with a strong dis* infectant. Guaranteed to make anv , f Uhrer fuhrious. ;"••'•; ;'•.. Dr Wafe's Wop Vanishing CreamApplied to excrescences, on the Ljibyan,frontier or other portions of he Middle East where thCse objec- ' tionable 5 ' and irritating eruptions occur, the effect is instantaneous, A single fighter-plane load will often suffice to cause the nuisance to disappear. Old Wafe's Artificial Aryan Ex-

tinguisher: Rub lightly upon the business end of an incendiary bomo and release.quickly over a munitions dump or petrol store.- This has the effect of smoking all Artificial Aryans out. to be put aside for curative treatment when the present smoke

has cleared away, We need scarcely add a warning that the formulae of these remedies are available for use by the Hon. the Minister of National Service, when his supply of lethal invective has run out.

Of course, in the meantime simpler devices could be employed when and if the boys in the bombers grow tired of dropping high explosives over the Reich. For example, 10body seems to have thought of a shower of trained fleas, released over the residence of good Dr Goebbels. These would provide him with a change of occupation from scratching up such silly stories ae that one about the beetles. And there is something like noetic justice in providing a flea for the dog that is so persistently attempting to bite us. Or it might be possible to let loose a squadron of wood-borer over the Reichschancellery, each armed with a grain of high explosive. The rest is simple arithmetic. If one borer carries one grain of T.N.T., then a million of them could between them assemble quite a considerable load of the old remedy, and dig with it until thev reached the Fuhrer's underground and very bomb-proof shelter. And that seems a very desirable place ti store it, pending accidents. There would be no fear of the little allies being lonely down there, by the way—in the company of the world's greatest borer.

A contributor provides a few tropical thoughts anent the blitzkreig: Dear " Wayfarer,"—The Germans claim to have dropped bombs at Random, which reminds one of an alleged British defeat in the days of Fuzzy-Wuzzy, when it was announced that the natives had taken Umbrage The following lines are suggesied by this latest pronouncement from tne Nazi propaganda machine: " I've bombs. Incendiaries and things,' The pilot said, "Where shall I land 'em? " His boss replied. "Just spread vour wings, And drop your blooming eggs *t Random." The men observe the rules of thought, At least, when they can understand 'em; The women do the things they ough. Or very nearly so, at Random. The Vicar takes /his evening spin With Mrs Vicar on his tandem; They always let the best side win Upon the cricket field at Random " These Random folk are stiff of neck And high of stomach I can'l stand 'em," The leader said. "They want a check— I'll spill a crate of eggs at Random "I'll end that blockade! Mark my words, I'll give 'em fits! I'll contraband 'em' I'll castigate the dicky birds That dare to raise a voice at Random." His victims put their fingers to Their ribald noses and expand 'em For after all one cannot do A great amount of harm at Random —Yours faithfully i Dlsciplicus.

Prophetic note in a book catalogue: " The Balkans—Great Clearance List." We believe that M. Stalin will be among the bidders.

"Wanted, 'capable. Teamster; wages £2 10s; will polish your boots on Saturdays.—-Apply X-~Y~-, Cen-

tral Otago." It sounds attractive, but who is going to give him his bath on Saturday night?