FUN AND FANCY.

Oamaru Mail, Volume XXXVI, Issue 10066, 6 February 1909, Page 4 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY.

Clarence: Miss Sharpun lias brains enough for two, by Jove! Florence: Then •why don't you marry her, Clarence? Elsie : Papa says lie thinks be gave you quite a start when yon asked for my hand. Jack : Huh, 1 don't call that a start: he reached me before I got to the door ! Tom: I'm engaged to Hattio Flippe. Congratulate me. Dick : I couldn't conscientiously. Tom: Why not? Dick: I was engaged to Hattie onco myself. Tom: Why do you always call your mother 'the mater? Dick: Any woman who could succeed in marrying; off four unprepossessing sisters deserves the title. Willie: Do mushrooms always grow in damp places, pa? Pa: Yes,, my Eon. Willie: Well is that why they all look like umbrellas "What's in here?" asked the tourist. "Remains to be seen," responded the guide as he led) the way into the mummy room. "He's a despicable hypocrite!" "Indeed?" "Yes, sir. Why, I wouldn't nump the air he breathes into my bicycle tyres!" "Could you do something for a poor old sailor?" "Poor old sailor?" "Yes'm. 1 followed the water for twenty years." •'Weil, all I'vo got to say is yon don't look as though, you had ever caught it." Mrs Ager: My husband always takes a day off when he has a birthday. Mrs Kutting: When you have one I suppoeo you take a couple of years off: A maiden at college named Breeze, Weighed down by B.A's and M.D.'s, Collapsed from the strain. Said her doctor, " 'Tis plain You are killing yourself by degrees!"

Ikcy : Monro, if 1 had tn din'./cUipi. tallies between six people, ami I «».l lliem each to think tliev li.nl , A] Would 1 .1.1 V Mown: "M.ikli lllelll, t hoy maidi them. 'Husband (arriving with lie-- u-i/'c ;il li til ill inn just an I lie lin in ulcamcd mil There! If .ytjii hadn't, taken Mich ;i (w 111! time dl'fNsitl}r we tihoithhl'l li;i\i' ll lli:il, Iniin." Wife- "Ami il yon liai ImiTiVd in.' Kit nil (lie uav In'l'C I hlioiiMii'l have Mich a loni; lime In u for Mm next, onol An old hiily wiik lellini; her nrj» children about some trouble in Nrntlm ill l,lie course of which the chief nf ll chin was beheaded. "II \v;m line [ill think i.' n head,' bairns. 1.. lie siire/'ii the old hidv ■ "lint, il win; ;i nail liwl him." "I trust we shall malic y.ai feel qui ill, home,' Yemarkcd an hnl'el inaiuprl a visitor. "Don't trouble, yourself in Ik direction. 1 don't want to leel at Ira Thai's why I'm here." Weary Wilkin*: Vcs, iniiin, I hail lift comfortable homo, but, I hint. il. !l liooilsole: P • man! How did il In mill? Weary Wilkins: An cnni'iio liar! up and pulled it away. "(111. for (he willow of a dove," figk I lie poet with flic linbarliercd hair. "( der what, yum like," rejoined I lie |>r* nerson, "but as for me, ' K ivc me I lie lirtl of a chicken." Visitor (iuspciline; the new hiihy): 0 vour husband surest a, name for l'lic lill pet? Mother: Yen. he call* hint em names every ni.uht, but I'm afraid none I hem would do I "You know, my dour |,ov," snri sympathising friend to a mini in In ble, "thai \v« ivilllv tfnin hv our la in life." "That depends' nllum* on the kind of hiwvcr vim !'"l In" duel them!" replied the sulfercr. A lady who was inloresl od in 111 eiol.v which vniN to he slurled ill! position |,d the then I'iiinniis "Soli asked Lord .lusiee Doweu lo lint iiioie for it. liowen paused for ul ment. "1 think you illicit call )i selves parasols !" he said. "Look here, you said thai il I'ilf you your dinner you'd mow I In'l* for me!" said a lady of Siiliiirliin !•] (rump. "And now' von refuse (o " W. "I'd like to do' it, 'tmt'iim, '«'' Hotter teach you a lesson," tlic l" 1 made answer. "Never frnsl lII' v® o' a total stranger!" "This is a I'oine country, Ihirtrf exclaimed an Irish lassie wlioliwl" recently arrived in the- United St«W "Sure it'.s everybody i'[ asked at the Post, Ollice iiboiii sill* money to wo mother, and I lie yo«» man tells me 1 ea,n got a. money otil for ten dollars for ten cents! 'l'hilik«* that now!" Small boy dashes breathless into merchant's ofliee. "Is the puv'niirin! "Yes. What, do you want :-" '*! see him mvsidf; most pa rl irkM "Itut vou can't; he's ciiniijjft "Must see him immejif; must P>' tickler." The hov's itiij>ort unitv P' 1 him in. "Well,' hoy, what tin)* want!-"' "D'yer want n orlin'-1 10 sir!'" "You impudent vomit',' ram* No! WVyc got, one." "'Nik.yhH Ml l ' sir; lie's just, bin run over." lie)'" 1 peered. The Keverend Thnmas AlovanuVr,, Presbyterian minister, hup' resilient 1 Chelsea., and well known as a lnw" Scot, was most anxious to kimiv W lyle, but bad no opportunity of nt'tt"! an introduction to him. One iln.Vi. 1 King's llond, he saw Carlvlc cum" in his direction, and took ailviuil«l|" the opportunity. 'Thomas Carl*, believe ?" he said to the sane 0! Ivle's reply was, "Tom AlcxanuViV know!" liater Mr Alexander writ'* Oarlvlo for a subscription lowiiiiU school buildiue/ fund, ami (,'arl.vlc iffj* back a refusal in doggerel, wlicri'«!"s ii\lr Alexander replied iliat if ll" *j not send him five pounds he wniiK "» bis poetry to a collector or puhhnl>" The sum was at once forthcoming-