QUACKERIES.

Oamaru Mail, Volume IV, Issue 1033, 12 August 1879, Page 2

QUACKERIES.

[contributed.] While endeavoring to improve th ;hining hours by looking over the column >f various foreign contemporaries, Ilighte >n an advertisement in a New Zealan japer of a new medicine, compared wit vhich Holloway's Pills and Ointment ai jut as the common sparrow to the Giant Cassowary, Who, on the plains of Timbuctoo, Ate the pious missionary— His boots and his hymn-book, too. Par parcntliese, I never was very good a xietry, but that is pretty near the mart L'his new Elixir, I hear, is " under th listinguished patronage of His Majest :he King of Italy at Home." We ai lot informed whether he tried a dos limself or, in the plenitude of his patroi: ige, "shouted" a bottle for his Prim Minister. Anyhow, the fact seems to b veil established that the before-mentione 'oyal personage takes an interest in thi lewly-discovered and most wonderfi ileum. After announcing the distii: juished patronage the medicament enjoy: ,ve have it set forth that it " recommend tself"—probably in the same manner tha 'good wine needs no bush " —" by variou leclarations and testimonials which fo: ow." The first shows that "thre nedical gentlemen" —for the sake c irgument we will suppose they wer loctors, with full-sized diplomas—at ended a certain man's son " for nin veeks, and declared that amputatio: if the leg, injured by an axe, was absc utely necessary." By the way, this wa ather a sweeping assertion for thes kl.D.s to make. However, the father >eing a man of wisdom and faith, pro ured some of the extract, and withii hree weeks his son was out of danger ,nd has now recovered. The mortitica ion of these doctors must have been evei ,-orse than the expected mortification o he limb, and we fancy they hid thei .iminished heads, and straightway retiree L'om business. This preliminary " epi orae," as it is termed by the advertisers i, however, t nothing to the "brief ex L-acts from the Bedigo Evening News.' mprimis, a gentleman named Gieschii: ad a very severe cold, could scarcelj reathe, could get no relief ; but was ured after three applications of the xtract." It is much to be regretted that lore particulars are not given ; how was le stuff applied, internally or externally, ot in front or cold behind, or was a hole ored in his chest with a gimlet and a liarge of the extract put in like dynalite 1 But besides this bad cold, our •iend Gieschin suffered eight years from ipture, which, as everybody knows, is i internal disarrangement very much iin to an external dislocation, and irdbile dictu, even this was cured by the Lsinuating-extract. The next case is : A man, having his arm bruised severely l a crushing machine, applied the extract id then went on with his work as if

nothing had happened. The exact nature of the injury is not stated, but very likely his arm went right through the rollers and emerged on the other side about half an inch thick all over, was drawn back, the extract applied, and the member incontinently resumed its original shape without vexatious and absurd delay. Tho climax is reserved for a Mrs. Weppner, who "informed the manufacturers that the extract applied twice restored health to her daughter, eleven years of age, who had been rushed and trampled upon by a cow." The information here given is painfully meagre. Are wc to understand that her daughter had twice as much health after tho application as she had before ? or did the insensate bovine female first rush the girl, and after waiting patiently by till the extract effected a cure, go in for more diversion—a sort of second edition, as it were—and, with a keen eye to variety, proceed to do the trampling business. I shall be glad to hear from Mrs. Weppner, that my doubts on these points may be set at rest. The last paragraph of the advertisement which we shall notice is fortunately easily to be understood by anyone. It seems "Mr. Morgan's eldest boy awoko in the night crying with earache. Tho extract was applied, and the little fellow was cured and asleep in ten minutes." I have even now a vivid recollection of having cried in the night at about that age, and can, therefore, readily understand that the extract was carefully spread over the palm of Mr. Morgan's hand, and applied with the necessary impact to another part of the boy's physiological development. The inhabitants of the town where the paper, from which I have just learned so much, is edited, should cry " Eureka," and go fov this wonderful Eucalypti Extract, which can, I think, hardly be beaten by any medicine known to man. I intend to try it as my sole diet, whilst I shall rub it on the soles of my boots to keep the moisture out, and take it internally to secure my soul's peace.