RANDOM NOTES.

Oamaru Mail, Volume I, Issue 91, 5 August 1876, Page 2

RANDOM NOTES.

By MAGGUFFIN. — *_ " A chiel's amang ye takin' notes, An' faith he'll prent 'em." —Burns.

" The course of true love never did run smooth," and the following exemplification of the truth of the adage, while being, strictly true—never having seen print—is worthy of being rescued from oblivion. In a small town not a hundred miles from the Victorian metropolis, there lived a maiden who was " fat, fair, and considerably over forty." Though the occupation of the lady was one which is generally supposed to possess a magnetic influence upon the " gentleman in blue," the mistress of the frying pan could never bring her admirers up to the " popping point." Determined not to live a life of single-blessedness, she caused it to be circulated that who ever became master of her hand would also become the possessor of some £250 lying in her name in the local bank. The bait took, and it was not long before a suitor himself, who professed to see charms in the fair Maria to wliich he had hitherto been blind. The courtship was short but strong, and notwithstanding that the pseudo-Benedict wanted some years of being half the age of the lady, the momentous question was popped, and accepted without the slightest hesitation. Two weeks of wedded bliss passed quickly away, and Benedict was sitting with his arm as far encircling his beloved one's waist as her burly proportions would allow ; he thought enough time had been expended in the sweet nothings to which, the first month of wedded life is usually devoted, so descending to matters mundane, he broke the happy dream by observing : "Maria, love, don't j r ou think that we had better draw out that money and start some little business 1 ?" " What money, Henry dear?" said the lady. "Why, the £250, of course," said Henry, in a tone very much unlike that of half an hour previously. " Sure, I've got no £250 : but, Henry dear, wasn't it for love you married me 1 " " Love be—shot," said the irate husband. " Do you mean to tell me that you haven't got the £250 ?" " No, clear, not a pound ; but wasn't it me, and not the money, you married, love?" "You be d d," said Henry. "If you think I'm going to live with you after your disgraceful deception, you're sadly mistaken," and he was as good as his word, for next day he left his love lamenting. Maria having striven so hard to gain a husband, was determined not to lose him - without a struggle. An appeal was made to the "powers that be," at which Maria told her plaintive tale, and Henry the vile deception which had been practised upon him. His Worship said that it was evidently a case of " diamond cut diamond," blaming the wife for her duplicity, and the husband for his meanness, but deciding that as he had taken her for "better or worse" he must abide by his bargain, bad as it was, and make provision for the deserted one. Henry stoutly swore he would rot in gaol first, so to give him an opportunity of altering Ins opinion, his Worship gave him a month as a trial. At its close he was again brought up, but his enforced seclusion had only confirmed his resolution, and he was again relegated back to his old quarters. Another month had come and gone, and again an appeal was made to his marital feelings, but with a like effect. Once more he was about to be consigned to his " dungeon deep," when the tender heart of the bereaved Maria relented, and she asked to have the erring one set free, declaring that she was prepai'ed to go back to her fat and frying pan, and leave him unmolested in future. So the silken bond was snapped for ever, and the last seen of the happy pair was on the steps of the Court-house, when Henry shaped Ms course for due North, and the fair Maria was heading for the extreme South. There is a moral in the above : Gentlemen who marry for " love," be sure that you not only secure that commodity, but the wherewith to keep it from cooling before you take the fatal leap ; and ladies of questionable ages but unquestionable pi*oportions, before securing a partner for life, make sure of the temper of your choice, or, like the fair Maria, you may chance to "Catch a Tartar."

It is somewhat singular the propensitymost people have to "talk shop." Let two of a trade get together for a few moments, and no matter what may be the topic of conversation at the starting-point, unconsciously they Anil find themselves drifting into "shop." I remember, not long since, standing at a street corner on a very muddy day, watching with interest the operations of two scavengers, between whom there was . apparently a rivalry existing. As they plied their interesting avocation shoulder to shoulder, their arms stretched out to their fullest extent in the sweep of mud before them, I could notice that an animated discussion was being held upon some disputed point. As the pair reached the spot where I was standing, they decided to rest awhile from their labors, and fight the question out. So lighting their dhudeens, the conversation which had been interrupted by the filling of their respective calumets was resumed. The subject in dispute was the claim to precedence of two Knights of the Broom, each one of whom my friends considered the champions of the profession. Various were the feats enumerated by each, as performed by his favorite, only to be still

further, capped by the rival backer. ■■£s;. length, when all facts and argument had been alike exhausted, to shake the faith in his friend's prowess, one claimed the most inalienable superiority by observing : "Did you ever see Jack Muldoon walk round a lamp-post 1 not he ; he'd scorn to do it. No, sir, Jack would just curl his broom round the post, and with one clear sweep, .make it as clean as a new pin, without ever taking the brush fromtheground." Whether that is a feat which it is allotted to few of the profession to execute, I am unable to say, but it ended the dispute, the other threw up the sponge, and I quitted my point of observation, deeply impressed with the fact that thez'e are mysteries in all trades.