MUNICIPAL ELECTIONS.

Oamaru Mail, Volume I, Issue 86, 31 July 1876, Page 2

MUNICIPAL ELECTIONS.

GRAND ORATION.

We sent one of our reporters round to a meeting on Saturday night, to take down notes of what was said. We waited a long time for his return, and we concluded some accident had befallen him. Matters were cleared up yesterday, s when we received the following memo, from the Inspector of Police : _ . " Sunday Mornings "Please come round and bail out your representative. He was found drunk, on Saturday evening, after the meeting. Both eyes closed." We sent round the required amount ; and this morning our beery friend had the impudence to hand us in the following, as a verbatim report of what was said : Mr. Blowhard, on addressing the electors, observed, ' ' Fellow Citizens and Electors, —I appear before you to-day as a candidate for a seat in yoiu - Municipal Council. As this is my first appearance on any stage, I must crave your indulgence for a short time,"" while I try to lay before you my ideas of the various.matters with which I should have to deal, should I be so fortunate as to attain to so higli an honor as to be your representative. Gentlemen, lam not gifted with that easy flow of language for which one of your present members is so justly celebrated. (Hear, hear.) I hope, therefore, you will take the will for the deed, and at least give me credit for sincerity in that which I ami' about to say. Gentlemen, the first matter which I consider of vital importance to the well-being of this town, is the so-called water supply. Gentlemen, I am sorry to say' that my opinions on this matter are totally' at variance with all schemes hitherto propounded, and I shall do my utmost, if I am elected, to prevent the adoption of any one of them. (Applause.) Gentlemen, it is evident to me and to every man of .any discrimination that the proper and most natural channel is from the Devil's Bridge. Here you have a natural reservoir, evidently intended by nature itself for that purpose, which, at a very trifling cost indeed would contain sufficient of that necessary and indispensable fluid to supply this city even if it were (which, no doubt, it will be) as large as London itself. (Roars of applause.) It has been urged, gentlemen, that this water has been tested, and found to contain matter which would be injurious to animal life. You may take my word for it, gentlemen, this is all rubbish, and the report has only emanated from those selfish persons —numbers of whom are always to be found in every community—who, if they can do no good for themselves, would try and make others on a level with themselves. (Cheers.) By bringing in the water in this direction, the property of one of our most respected citizen would be enhanced in value. New Zeal, Labor and Machinery and Capital let loose. Water-wheels of immense diameter would be erected, capable of driving an unlimited number of stones. Flour would become plentiful. The cry of dear bread in our midst would cease, and plenty and comfort reign supreme ; population would flock to your city. Trade would flourish —all would become rich —happy homes and smiling faces greet you everywhere.* (Frantic cheers.) Gentlemen, the picture that I have but poorly attempted to present to you is not the creation of a diseased brain, but the inevitable consequence of the carrying out of the scheme I am in favor of. Gentleman, the next matter for consideration, is drainage, I have carefully considered this matter, and have come to the conclusion that all that has hitherto been done is utterly useless—totally inadequate and utterly at variance with all the established rules which should guide us in the construction of this most useful work. Gentlemen, I should be in favor of a universal and comprehensive system of drainage by the construction of an innumerable number of ducts, all converging as it were to one point, emptying themselves into one huge entry which should continue its sinuous course through a tunnel at the Cape to tl:e beach beyond. (Derisive laughter.) Gentlemen, you smile, but now for the result, you would find that in the course of a very short time owing to the immense amount of excrementitious matter deposited the sandy beach would be converted into a fruitful field of immense dimensions, capable of producing almost anything. The income, I am convinced, which would accrue from this source alone to the Council, would be so enormous as it would cause an overdraft to be a thing of the past, and taxation as a consequence wholly abolished. (Cheers.) Gentlemen, much has been said about earth-closets to supersede those unsightly, but yet necessary, appendages to every dwelling which meet the eye on every side. Gentlemen, I see my way to the non-adoption and total demolition and abolition of the appendages above referred to. As a substitute, I should construct light tramways to every street, with sidings to every dwelling, meeting at one common centx-e on the outskirts of the town. Eacli member of every household should be provided with a carriage driven on the principle of compressed air excluded. Danger to life and limb would be avoided] our olfactory nerves would not be offended by the existence of a manure depot in our midst; fevers and all other ills which flesh is heir to would no longer exist; the office of Inspector of Nuisances would become a sinecure ; the doctors would have to emigrate ; the Hospital would become a useless institution, and the subscriptions now raised for its support would flow into a more ligitimate channel.

The candidate was not asked a question, and the meeting carried a. resolution to the effect that Mr. Blowhard was the best man they could get to represent them. The proceedings then terminated. _ y