How Lovely!

NZ Truth, Issue 1194, 18 October 1928, Page 1

How Lovely!

WOMAN (asking 'for a remand "■ for a boy) : He has nerves m his feet. S.M. Hunt: Most of us have. . . . How would it do if I remanded him for a fortnight? '/Oh, that would db lovely."

'THE conquest of the turbulent Tasl' man Sea by four intrepid young airmen; the radio; and the fact that two of the daring flyers were boyhood,friends of a., young man at present living m Cambridge, were the contributing factors which led to the undoing:, of an inveterate . practical joker m that town. For many years— too many, possibly —he had held the title of. supreme spoofer beyond dispute.. ' On their arrival m Christchurch, T. H. McWilliams and H: A. Litchfleld caused a message to be flashed through the ether that they would make it their business to look up their old pal m Cambridge when they. came north. Naturally, there were those scalphunters who envied the young clerk his luck, and who would have given ten : years of their lives to have had even a. fraction of • the honor. ■ ■ •: . 'For, as men of their word, "Lich" arid "Mac" paid an uriofflclal visit to the:: town, and,' haying celebrated the eyent of their reunion with one or more flowing bowls, sped away on their retufri south; :'■■ - .•; - : -. ■ • ■-- Now it so happened,, as the. story books day, : that the following . day there was a clearing sale near Cambridge. ■■"'"'■ .'■."■'" '■ '. Two of the king-pins of the stock department of Wright, Stephenspn and

Conquering Heroes

Co. arrived to conduct. the .sale on be-, half vbf^thei^ flfrii.;:; ;^g^tf?" ■ . ' ':*;'■'. v At the conclusion (Of the business of the day, it naturally fell about that a change from pigs to pints was indicated to lubricate the vocal chords of the two men of the stock • and station firm. s . In the convivial company of thesame young clerk, who could name McWilliams and "Litchfleld as his personal friends,' they foregathered, m committee, at .the ; Central' HoteC around, the horseshoe bar, 'Where an effflcient : and gallant young man, known as "Jack," tended to their liquid requirements. .With all due. regard- for Jack's natural modesty,,, it must, be said that he isa young 1 , man of more than usual attainment and gallantry, with more than a little knowledge of war on land and m the air. ' • Further, he H lias -that much-to-be-desired gift of humorv which has proved so invaluable to our warriors m the :past. It was while the two stock agents and the clerk stood before the polished bar, /m care-free fraternity, that the imps of ' Fate, unknown' to himself, laid hands upon one Harold Murray Speight, a gentleman of comfortable proportions ' and some half-century of summers, impelled hirii Into the private bar of the Central Hotel and placed hjtm a yard or so from the three companions of the bowl.

.Gentle reader, if you have no.thad the good fortune to visit Cambridge and meet Harold Murray Speight, let "N.Z. Truth" do the polite thing and make aill haste to remedy the oversight... ■:'.' For if his fame has not spread beyond the limits of a fifty-mile radius, it is only because people are so happy m Cambridge that they do not travel ■***,■■.'■: . wv , ; .^v:'.i,t:;:; \.^h. Reiiders^rfleet^^ Harold, iNatureXgreaJ gift' ••■■; to "Cambridge; wftST^fiiiti^' Father Time, tbpkf'4i. hand,, jwas its most in■v«terate:/practica!i' joker— -shall we say born humorist? . : He Is also . the local organizer for the South Auckland Liberty .League, and, though he has now for some years been retired, from serious business, he still carries on ascertain amount of I insurance work, to; pass the time while

he thinks out his next little joke on his f ellow-townsrrien. ' . i For donkey's years Harold has devoted very considerable time to the , execution of practical jokes, and would seem to have had a fairly open field, with the exception of one or two rebuffs. "Truth" does not vouch for the fact that on one occasion he collected a case from Auckland marked: "Freight, payment on. delivery," which had all the i outward and visible signs of being a case of Scotch "mist," even to the tempting ends of straw peeping out from under the lid, but which, proved to contain bricks when he opened it at his home. Nor can "Truth" state with certainty that after the irrepressible Harold had called up a number of people, telling them; that various articles were waiting to be picked up at various places — presents to prove the donor's seasonable well-wishing— his telephone was cut off for six months. ; However that may be, Harold loved nothing so much as "putting one over" his fellow-citizens. i Where other men had a . penchant for bowls or business, tennis or church socials, cross-word puzzles or school committees, Harold's forte was practical joking. It constituted the alpha arid omega of his leisure hours. .; Behold, then, Harold impelled into the bar to have his "spot" — and held to the bar by his invisible, yet attendant imps. ;Now, Harold is a .believer m Cambridge, rightly enough, and he had heard — with others— of the promised visit of the/two daring members of the crew of the Southern Cross, of fame immortal. , : 'And he had been one of those who felt that no resident of Cambridge should have all the honor of such an exciusiye event. i Moreover, he recognized the young man ;who breasted the bar, chatting with .; the ' two parched-throated stock agents, as being the very . man whom McWilliams a,nd Litchfield had pi-omised to yisit, •."'■..:■- ■ •■ . I

The grey matter m Harold* headpiece began to function. Put-, ting two and two. together, he formed his own conclusions. ' , Having sipped Kis glass, he questioned the competent barman concerning the identity o£> the clerk's com- : panfons. Jack was non-committal. Possibly Harold scented mystery ; at any rate, ■; hh r , wa;S ointrigued.- 'H^; re-pfeated.-.Alilß. qiieitiori;^)Ut was s^fll-'lef t sY[\pgias,.l..- - ■■",.■■ .;■' -v '.A--';' '-'■. ■ ■'■■■■. -;&>■&- ■■<■ 'A third ( £ime he,. made, his inquiry, and : at last, on : trie spur pf the mo • ment, Jack, very confidentially, Jiinted that the two, strangers were none other than McWilliams and Litchfleld. ' Cambridge is not visited by heroes every day. No sooner had; Harold, who was having his bowl alone, learnt the identity of. the strangers, than he begged Jack to see what he could do

m the way of effecting an introduction. Jack, who knew Harold's bump of practical joking, just as well as ariy other Cambridge resident, would seem to have been placed m this position as an instrument of Fate. Being an obliging young wag, he promised to see what he could do. A brief, whispered conversation, with the trio— -and he returned to the expectant Harold to tell him that the young friend of the two heroes would effect the introduction if the tufthunter would join them. Harold lost no time. In a brace of shakes, it was: "Mr. Speight, meet my friend, Mr. McWilliams; Mr. Speight, Mr. Litchfield." . • - •■ Was Harold delighted? Well, we ask you! In any case, he lost no time m contributing his meed of praise to that of the world at large m a flow of wellchosen words: "You chaps are the soul of modesty;

you are typical of New Zealanders— your modesty, you know, and all that. What with -Tom Heeney's visit here, and now yourselves, it is really putting Cambridge ; on the map. You must have had a rotten trip across, but what a Wonderful achievement!" The pseudo-heroes, fresh from the sale of pigs and farming implements, bore Harold's effusion with a modesty which;; ■was : ' ; 'jp.nlyAih,:,k^eping ; with their 'gallant 'exploit..' - : ; \' ■■•v^ ..;. ,-.• : : : ,':^; S :V;. ; ;v h -- '^Bar-^'Was Wot"lbrig'^ef&r#flnSp-irea by. the sftuation-^they, were giving their admirer vivid details of how it felt : to drop hundreds of feet into an air pocket and to fly thi-pugh a violent electrical storm which threw the various pjirts of the giant monoplane's fittings on to the cockpit floor. And. sis Haroid gazed 'at them spellboundf. with glistening eyes,

one of the' impersonators even went so far as to illustrate with his handkerchief how they had picked up stray bits of the instruments and wiped, them delicately, as they tore through the raging elements. ■' . « Being truly modest men, they impressed on the attentive Harold that they were travelling incognito and were anxious to avoid anything m the nature of lionising; it must not be allowed to leak out that they were m town. ..'.:; Such a memorable meeting- could not be allowed to go untoasted, however. What greater honor could a man receive than to be able to say that he had "shouted" for two of the Southern Cross 1 crew? . With a: remark to the young friend of the aviators: "As you know, I don't often put my hand m my kick," he nominated drinks all round. And none

enjoyed the rare event more than the local resident. Needless to say, so far as Cambridge's arch -practical Joker was concerned, there was not a- dull moment for the next half -hour or so. 'When it seemed likely that the party might break up, Harold produced his note-book and fountain-pen, to make the customary requests for the autographs of those,, upon whom; m very truth, greatness had been thrust. . ...,--:..^,. * '■; Jack, iri ■■ ! t'h«- ; b^ckgrourid,; waSjby^tHrs; tiriie on the verge of collapse, but his martial training stood him m good stead and he kept a stern hold Upon himself at the far end of the bar. Modesty, protestations, blushes — can a stock agent blush? — and excuses, had mo effect upon the hero- worshipper. He must have their autographs; it was but little. to ask, after all. , Had ■ ' ■ . ' • ' ■ . . : . . . V

he not put his hand m his kick? . And; finally, being urged by their boyhood friend, they both consented. . The pen would not function, however, and a pencil was produced. But, no; Harold would not have them m pencil— ink it must be— until finally a. pen that would work was brought' to light. . ■•...■■ Even then, such was the nervousness of the two "airmen," that had it not ■ been for the co-operation of a friend ol Harold's, who covered the situation (which, he realized, was not qujte what it seemed), they might, have broken down. Then, with more or less solemnity, there were inscribed, m Harold's notebook the names H. A. Litchfleld and T, H. Me Williams — not that those two gentleman would have recognized them, perhaps. ' Had it not been fop the breakingup of the group very shortly afterwards, the beans might have been spilt then and there. But having once more inscribed their names on the scroll of fame and made one more person the. proud possessor of their nibnickers, the 'two stock agents 'and their friend literally made a .break for the open— with genial goodrbyes arid good wishes to Cambridge town and all its folk. Still preserving their incognito, the heroes (?) departed from the town unfeted, but there was a proud. man left behind. . Out of all those who would willingly have paid a tribute of praise to two of the Southern .Cross men, there was one who was able to go home that night and show to his rapturous family two autographs— -possibly the only two m Cambridge. "Daddy, how did. you do it?" may have been but one of the queries when Harold Murray Speight produced his notebook at tea that evening. On the followirig^Saturday there was an afternoon tea at the Speight.household. Of course, the topic of the party was how Harold had met .the two flyers. : . He himself was there: m his best to hand around (with no little pride) that

• slip of paper which bore two hastilypenned signatures, and to tell the vastly interesting tale of how he had been the lucky man to walk right into them. "They were such a modest couple of young fellows"— fancy stock agents being modest! — "and it makes one feel proud to have met them," he probably remarked. Can you believe it? ■ There was only one lady at that afternoon tea who was m the joke. And, listen— she didn't split.. . ■ . -..-' But, alas and alack, that one ! hour of glorious life was not 'long to hold its thrill for the man who for years had delighted to pull the legs of his .townsmen, the man who had spent sleepless hours contriving new stunts to uphold his reputation as the Cambridge king of spoofers. : . . , Somehow or other, with that peculiar intuition the youngsters have, it was through the school kiddies that the beans were spilled. Some say that the young members of the Speight household showed . the autographs around amongst their friends: "See what we've got. You haven't got these!" Then, with that faculty of the young