THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 145, 28 March 1908, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

.. ■ » . — -1 . Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage? . Or note unmoved his mention m tli c Critic's ps ge? Parade his error m the public eye ? And Mother Grundy's rage defy? - A friend m need is the cove most ; people try to dodge * • • - .' , Man, noble "brute, is only, after all, what his wife makes him- ■ ■ « .«.■.. Never judge your neighbor by yourself. He might be worse! * • « •Men of fashion run to seed, and the fashionable female goes to waist. * . •-■ ' ■ ■ . Men lead women to the altar. After that, man, poor man, does the following. A wife's separate estate is often derived from the sale of hei husband's cast-off clothing. ■ <= • • ' • • The old Lady : "Lor' sir, I do love to 'ear you preach about 'eaven you get so helloquent." • •' • • . The howling hypocrite is.. the individual who goes to church and imagines the sermon is meant fpr the other fellow and the. benediction for ; himself. ■ . . > Money is a handmaiden if you know how to Use it, a mistress if you do not, and a damned nuisance if you haven't got it. • • ■ A violent -newspaper controversy is raging at Cambridge, where somebody is objecting to the matutinal sausage and staff of life being wrapped, m saliva-saturated and otherwise filthy newspapers. "Trui.ii" was not aware that the "Moaning Microbe" penetrated the fastnesses of the Waifcato. ,• \ ■ * * A stranger walking into Christohurch S.M. Court for the first time would imagine that everybody m the pious city was either prohibited or about to be prohibited, or accused of a. breach of a prohibition order, or a procurer .of liquor fpr ; a prohibited person. Prohibition doesn't seem to prohibit.' m Christchurch, ! 'Erom Police Court reports of recentHawera' , ' ;• AN, .AFFILIATION CASE. ' .-,' Chin Ah.. Lepng was adjudged to be the father of aii illegitimate child and was ordered to pay 8s a week for its support. Good ■ old White New Zealand once again." Poor much-maligned Mongol oftce again. He doesn't corrupt our white maidens. He doesn't beget a brood of slant-eyed bastards.. Oh, no. Nothing, like that. Hawera has its Chow noWy and knows. ■ *• * •■ '. • A prohibited person is at a horrible disadvantage if his girl lives m a pub, which is forbidden ground. This paper doesn't know where Richard Henry William Guy's best girl resides, but he suffers under the baneful influence of a prohibition order, and went to the Royal Hotel, Christchurch, to say good-bye to a. lady friend ■. I-ie wouldn't go inside, but remained under the verandah and looked so uncomfortable there that a policeman accosted him under the impression that he was about to commit a revolting crime. Charged with being on licensed premises, Beak Bishop, "having due regard for the circs, dismissed the information. That a woman should start importuning male persons as soon as sho gets a drop of drink m is evidence of a depraved nature, and that seems to be what Emma Warren did under cover of darkness m Moorehouse Avenue, Christchurch. "I had a. few drinks and didn't understand what I was doing," she remarked to Bishop, S.M.,\- when charged Avith t pursuing the oldest known profession. "Twenty shillings or a month" snapped his decisive Worship, "Would you giv6 me a week to pay it m?" pleaded the jugged female. "No !" replied his Worship, whereat an agitated male 'person m the auditorium protested, loudly, and was' put out. One of Booth's bonneted beauties here put m a claim for the derelict sinner, and the Magistrate said he had no objection, but lie had only fined the piteous female ' m the box, and the fine might be paid 4

Counsel m a recent boarding-house • bother said, "Boarding-houses are full of romances." * And some of 'em fizzle out m the Divorce Court. Auckland Technical College" "'Has a special course ': riow. It's '-'Motor Cars, and How, to. drive them." If the ■:'- Cbllege could, , teach- "Critic"; how to make one he'd " take a 'dose of the ',speciaL" Only lawyers and doctors seem to be able to make the fliers m Wellington, and it shows how profitable the hacking and the racking trades must be. • • <..••/■ * At Palmerston North, William { Wa.ugh was convicted of wounding a; constable,, and fined £100, and ordered to find .sureties of £300 for Ms good behaviour. William. Waugh, it would seem, . has a hobby— And he would at . a constable flyWhen .bull-headed he, goes for a bobby, It is then that Waugh ! Waugh' si ■ still the cry. ' ' ' •■ ' ";■•"" • ... it The Woodside and Grey town "ex-: jpress, ?? nicknamed • "The Flying Dutchman," has broken quite a lot of records m its time,- but the speed limit ought to :be applied to it as some passenger is liable to miss it one of these fine and otherwise days. The other day the stoker had his cap blown\ off' by the wind. He jumped off, picked it up, sprinted for fifty yards, catching up the ''express," and resumed his duties quite unconcernedly. - . ' \/ • . • ■ • * „,.».. m Is it' not funnier than a funeral to read that TresMdery who was defeated # by Webb: for the sculling championship, has retired from rowing ? He will hand over the Australian championship to Thorougbgood. Rats. One would have fancied that this kind of rubbish . would have disappeared with the Towns family comb'nat'on. What right lias Tresidder to hand over the Australian championship, anyhow ? This most recent development is a thorough-good joke, anyhow. • The day is\ looming when thf. Saturday^, half-holiday,, ■, -wilt-be almost universal with workers of the world. -But how'sweetness is rendered 'bitter by a. miserable thought. When the worker takes his week-end rest from Saturday noon till Monday morning, let Him beware of the Puritan wowser,, who'll want '< to stretch the Sabbath back t6 Saturday noon. It will be a black Saturday for tfhe world with the wowser at the helm. Pubs., theatres, aiKl sports, everything that means pleasure will be proscribed. Let the Saturday afternoon holidaf advocate Leware ! , . " •* * • Balclutha newspapers have been puttine on "dorg" lately and the scribes live m anxious dread of a rise m salary. The bally place has a Mayor, who, m view of the forthcoming election, isn't so simple as tho Simon who used to hawk pies for a crust. "Si" is unfortunate, though, because when he set out to "kid" to the daily press, he could not choose any other opportunity than a- local dog-fight to observe that m Balclutha they, had m the "Free Press" and "Leader" two of the cleanest papers m the Dominion,' and that he lived for -23 years m Balclutha. at» f ' he had found the gentlemen connected with the local papers the most obliging pressmen m the. colony. "Si." ought to know, because he got as far as Christchurch on, several occasions. •* * * No one ever vet was foolish enough to deny that the comp., be he type-snatcher, monolinist, linotypist, or any old sort of tradesman v is gifted with a keen sense of humor. He is immortal as a humorist. His errors, intentional or otherwise, will hand him down to posterity, but one of him made a big hit at a recent meet- 1 ing of the Typo. Association. One individual with a wall-eye kept bobbing up and down like an emoty beer marine on a turbulent sea. He was a pest, a nuisance, ,a provocator of righteous drunkenness. Everybody cursed him deeply, but without effect, till one thin, weird voice, almost apologising for ■ tRe sound it made, timidly arose m an obscure corner and piped out, "Mr President, why don't you call the man with the ' wiong font eye ' to onler ?" That wall eye ceased to trouble and to glare. In fact, he was "pied." • * ♦ I This lowly scribe is convinced that one chap who runs a hash-house at Utiku is no gentleman, otherwise he would not insult lady customers who wanted a change of diet, and , got more than they asked for m the shape of uncooked shark. Then the cook arrived on the scene and heaped on the insults and used language unj becoming m a cook. In fact, that cook ought to thank his lucky stars that the modesty of the insulteg ladies prevented them from police-cour-I ting him, and it isn't necessary to j say what the penalty is for insulting remarks. The cook ought to be more careful, and his boss ought to biff him if he ever again insults women on his premises, and further, the boss of this joint at XJtiku ought to clean his spoons and his cutlery generally, else, the mildew wUI s'"*l them..

The recent howling southerly disturbance is /attributable to Shackle-, ton's unwarrantable intrusion .on the privacy of the South Pole. A-n Irishman named Michael Mcr, Mahon .recently resented being calle'tr Mick, and one word "led, to a bash on the eye, and Police Court proceedings." 'Tom Wilford defended the basher antf quoted Shakespeare about a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. A Mick by any. other name, "Critic" believes, would be Pat. • * * Something of a sensation was caused m Christchurch. when 'a well-known, and popular commission agent and hotel broker named David . Why tock was arrested on a' charge of indecently assaulting a male parson named J)avid Jones. Wvhytock was remanded till, yesterday (Friday) when it was anticipated unusual disclosures will be made. • ■ m The yellow curse isn't allowed to rest , peaceably m "X"church (which is as good as ."X"rrias, anyway), birtris pulled before the beak m sections from time to time. Lim Yen, Lim Lung, and Yee Fu, purveyors of the callot and lettucee> were mulcted m the sum of 5s and costs recently for leaving their horses/ untended m the city, and grinned like the rising sun swallowing a comet as they forked out the coin. • m 9 A Christchurch visitor put vp 1 at Nicholson's Grosyenor Hotel, New Plymouth, and straying into the back regions, discovered a Chow cook m the kitchen. The southern person's gorge- wouldn't have risen so badly at this circumstance had he not been served with elderly eggs of Sandow strength for breakfast. Eight bob a day for diseased poultry fruit boiled by a social leper was too much for the stranger and he hastened away. • a « A few Sundays ago a party enjoying a game of euchre m the vicinity of Beaumont-Street, Auckland, received a shock wthen a slop silently appeared m their midst. The players immediately scattered, -'but one unfortunate, James Martin, was grabbed by the Robert, and haled before the S.M. Court. The Beak pointed out that the maximum penalty for the offence was £50, but he let Martin off with three quid and costs. He intimated that m future the fines would be large. -% • * * Last week this paper had something to say re one G. H. Morgan, and the remarks\ passed by M-agis-trate Rid dell when tfcat. person, after two clays' s-ick, Jte&ided to be treated by a magistrate instead of going before a jury. Just to show what sort of an ass this Morgan person is. he came to "Truth" office on Saturday morning wi^th a wild lament that he didn't do nick because he couldn't find bail, but as a protest against summary jurisdiction. He avers that .seven different people were ready to stand bail, but he refused with noble scorn. All this paper can say is that a man who refuses bail as a matter of "principle, and then pleads guilty, is a blithering idiot. • * * "The Village Blacksmith" is always regarded as a • hard-working, God-fearing sort of cuss, who'd rather hear, his daughter's voice m the church, choir on Sundays than knock sparks, off his anvil. .Anyhow, the village smithy isn't particularly pious m these parts, and the Law o 1 the -Land is agin him working on the Sabbath, and. "Critic" isn't aware that the fact of the parson preaching and praying on the Loard's Day has anything particularly fascinating to the bloke who shoes mokes and wields a heavy hammer. Oroua Bridge has a grievance against a Long'burn smjith, who isn't Longfellow's beau ideal either. This chap always travels on Sundays to the Bridge and does smithying and takes the bread out of local anvil-smashers' mouths. It's agin the Gospel and the Law and against human nature for nnv smithy to do this mean sort of thine:, and be should discontinue before thines are made dashed unpleasant for him. Bishop, Christchurch S.M., is the terror of cv'il-d ; oers, but withal a tender-hearted man. A juvenile of 10 was recently charged with making use of the most horrifying language of an indecent sort, and his benevolent Worship was much concerned, i "I. don't believe he knows the meaning of language like that," he remarked. "Where did you learn to use such words ?" he questioned. The terrified kid said he had heard a person named "Bob" scorch the atmosphci'c with the epithets. "Do any of the boys at school use words like that?" pursued his Worship. "Some of them do," was the reply, and judging by the expressions m the charge sheet, the conversation m our school yards would disgrace a brothel. The [ horrified Magistrate spoke to the [youngster m a fatherly fashion, and told him not to do it again, otherwise he woujd be taken away from his home and sent to Burnham, where be would probably get a hiding every day. The boy's mother, who was present, testified that her boy had already had his pants dusted, and his. father had promised him. more

Ragging, despite "regulations, " j is going on m railway workshops all over the Dominion. The ragging of mugs is regulated more or less by thek regulations ■which no' one has ■the manliness or courage to enforce, because., theft • dread being ragged themselves., . ; ; •■• • ■ n From recent issue of Otago "Daily Times" :— * VIOLET-Play your cards well, and you may catch him ; love's' deep, dear ; I know.— Horace. Horace evidently is m the game for all it is worth, but Violet ought to stack the 'broads and catch the "unfortunate him. "Love's deep !" Violet ought to be careful, less she falls m, and is drowned— in sorrow or something. ( The reading and study of the sacred Scriptures are unfortunately fast declining among the reformed churches, says the New Zealand "Tablet." "There is a tendency among many of the 'clergy to whittle down the sacred volume to a collection -of so- . oial texts, with little or no dogmatic reference. "Critic" quite understands the fervent "Amens" of Anglican congregations. A little more "dogmatic reference", and the' churches will be empty. Brevity is the soul of wit, even m church. ■•• * * The ancient affairs called tram-cars m Invercargill are (now but a memory of the dim and murky past. Joe Ward, as befits- a boss, owns the blaaky tram-rights m that extremity of. this great "Doughmynyon," and steam cars are to make the town up to date. Now that Joe owns the trams a' special. Act of Parliament ought to be passed handing the whole darned district over to him, including the 'human specs that figure on the landscape. So far, no one has spoken of opposing Joe on his own dunghill. •.• • ■ Dargaville has a nark, a dead-nark, '■x gooseberry ; m fact, a real round plum, who ougbt, m- the , of name, to get his bumps felt. ■ The said nark objects to shop tarts m the village having blokes, and objects' to the rudeness and want of i thought that permits the said blokes to be everlastingly m the' precincts !of shops m which are the fair objects of their calf love. He maintains that siioh' a practice greatly interferes with business, ' as well as [ being most improper. Well, the jaundiced eye can't help it, as everything it looks on is "yaller." Mr Justice Edwards, m declaring some poor devil an habitual crook at New Plymouth the other day, grew quite poetical about the gaol where the habituals were, lodged to work out their redemption :— "lt , was m, the midst of a very nice climate and scenery, and he hoped they would pro-i fit by it." The said "they" are the public of New Plymouth, but tlteir feelings m the matter weren't considered m. the least. "Critic," howt ever, trusts that the crooks will appreciate the scenery they'll want a , change soon, and further that they all enjoyed the climate. Why it doesn't sound like a gaol. Why, even, whe^re Guv. Plunk-, is located the climate is nice and the scenery ditto. ♦ • '■_•■• The occasional discovery m English old clo' and second-hand shops of Victoria Crosses, a bit of copper worth a bob at the most and which 1 brave British bull-dogs receive for ! spilling their blood m the cause of I Cohen, always sets the collective heart of the British public palpitating and indignation and a lot of froth m the patriotic press invariably follows. The Vie. Cross, anyhow,, can't be compared to a New Zealand; Cross, one of which, conferred on Constable Solomon Black '■ for bray-, cry at the siege of Ngatapa, 1869,; fetched £170 at a London auction: sale. How did Sol. come to. part; with it, anyhow ■? Perhaps, who knows, he might be a veteran eker ing out a miserable existence m a work-house. * « • •. Someone m Hunterville has a. grievance and ventilates it as follows m the local journal :— .'.'TaWiape,' badly needs a drunk expert. Last Monday evening two Hunterville residents got off the late train at Taihape, and walked into tire first hotel they came to, and called 'for whiskies. Imagine their surprise when the barman told them they were drunk and refused to serve them. At first they treated it as a joke, but the man behind the bar was serious, and nary a drink did they get. The amusing part of the affair that the young fellows are strictly sober young men, and ; hs^l, not tasted liquor all that day. , and then to be told they were drunk was rather ludicrous. Pity that some of the drunks who were rolling round the Taihape town had not been told the same talc before they reached the intoxicated stage. The writer can vouch for the truth of the above statement)" Can he ?It looks like a personal affront to the staff. Of all J offences none- is so heinous as to tell a pressman he's potty. Pressmen never get. properly/ potty, and, anyIhow, curse Taihape.'