THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 143, 14 March 1908, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critife's rage t Or note unmoved his mention m the Critic's page? Parade hia error m tho public oye ? And Mother Grundy's rage def y ?

Ladies, beware of the Turkish— they only want tur-kishyer.

Mars, they say -is god of war. Wall, aood so she ought to-,be.-\ » . » ■ -O m

Reminiscent of the wedding— Her bride's smile haunts me still. *

European ladies have dropped 'the Grecian Bend— it was so stoop'-d;

When a wild bull gets you about the elbow it's a gored-arm- shame.

The man on crutches should be successful m the "O-liiap-uh" games.

The reply of the man -who can't hear is, as a rule, very in-deaf-in-it.

•Eve gave Adam the apple, • but >the modern woman only gives man the pip.

.Hush money is the price paid for a sleeping draught by the cove .suffering from insomnia. • •''•-.'

A new definition of a loafer is one who - rests before he gets tired.. But the typical Weary Willies always have that tired feeling.

A son of Hiram Maxim has invented a noiseless rifle. When,, oh when, will someone invent a noiseless politician and a mouthless wowser ?

"Two refined young ladies, 21, private income, wish to meet two gen"tjemen, 25 to 30, view above. Is the "view above"! to the income, or what?

When the country hotelkeeper wishes to engage a Chinese or - Japanese cook, he sneakily gets a city registry office to advertise for him. Never by any chance does one see the name ofthe hotel affixed to the advertisement, which proves that m some things at least the country bonif ace is as cunning as his Chinese pals.

There? s something m being p. cricketer after all, otherwise Why all this fuss about testimonials to Jones and Noble? And what about .all the big hits that "Critic" has made from time to time ? Are they worth nor thing? 'Twould make a man bite the ends of his "mo" off, out of sheer vexation.

a^ancM- art/ -" : *. ! ' '• : ■'■*'■■■■

■Telegram, telephone, tel-a-_wotnan. •'■■■»■'. * •

The lug-biter never cadges a cold, j ___.»•

Clap-trap ?. Applauding a John Dunn.

• » «. * .jgricket is played out. It can't be. played m..

*.. * * . Sea captains always decade on a certain course.

Cricket umpires are always work-, ing "over "-time. * * «

The flowers of the forest fill the floors of the florist.

The voice that breathed o'er eatin— The crohk stow m the hash foundry.

The Gas Co. stokers have made a claim for an award against the Fat crowd.

There should be a special hell reserved fgr hypocrites-*-tlvey. are not fit .to associate with the. ordinary decent sinner, dven m a place of punishment.

What vested interests are represented m. the City Council, as to successfully shelve the question of municipal markets. The opposition to this live want of Wellington people absolutely stinks aloud.

A number of delegates to the Fire 'Brigades Conference were seen m the Masterton V.M.C.A.: rooms this week. The tact is noted because it is ah astonishing circumstance when a fireman refuses his beer, and marked deterioration is feared m thc stamina' of br.iga>desmen.

In referring to the, recent race meeting at Calcutta, the "Sporting Age," of Bombay, says :— "The Executive placed the operating book.riiikelrs ift;tWx) rows facing about, so ■^hat they were precluded from copying each, other's prices, ' and each had to bet on his little own." There is method m this.

By reason of his^recent /success as Madame Melba's accompanist, Mr Harold Whittle, the son of Mr J. H. Whittle, of the Bank of New Zea=land. has been appointed to the position of permanent accompanist to the great artist .m her futures concert tours of the did World. Papa is a member of the Wellington Bowling Club and , a great favorite, and is justly proud of his boy, who leaves for the Big Smokq very soon m Melba's wake. We wish him bon voyage and every success.

| A. brown person named Huru is reported to hate stolen a watch and 'peftdants, valued at £10, from the bedroom ot Mrs Ingleshy,- step-daugh" ter of Toln, Porter, bonifaco of the Masterton Club Hotel. Hum's room was opposite that of tlie lady, when the timepiece disappeared. The evidence against the aboriginal was remarkable, principally, for the repeated statement of witnesses that a sinful white woman bunked with Huru as his missus. The fact seemed to stand out more conspicuously than the actual theft, and even when the Wanganui. detective . charged Huru with the crime, he went and brought the miserable, white, woman to hear what he had" to : say. Huru was committed fpr T trial, but was admitted to sub-' ■stantial bail, so that he may continue m a Scandalous condition of sinwith the infatuated European female person. -

a: POME

% BULLETIN BARD BARRED. Henry Lawson was charged m the Sydney Water Police Court recently r with having on February 24 maliciously damaged a glass door at the "Bulletin" office valued at 2s 6d (the door, not the office). ' Mr C. W. Jeffries : The "Bulletin" Company, your Worships, do not wish to press the charge. Mr Donaldson : Do you wish to withdraw ? Mr Jeffries : I don't know. Mr Donaldson :• You ought to know your own mind. Mr M. Jeffries : Yes, we will withdraw. Mr Donaldson : Ah, very well ; the prisoner is discharged. Now, really it seems very hard •'(Yet so it comes to pass), That Henry Lawson, Austral's bard, Can't "take a little glass.", When Henry's out upon the job (That's of hjs own "a-ohord"Y, His love of office you can't roll — The "Bulletin's" "a-door'd:" His language then is very mild, Not e^en a childish curse, Fpr Henry, he is rarely riled— To this he is "a-verse." And Henry Lawson, m great style— ."Excited/' he, explains— Was yanked along to "durance vile," j And just for taking "panes." " ' 'All's well that ends well," we are told, And now by old St. Peter ! This gas'ly pome aside is rolled, '' And. turned off at the "metre."

• A Ha.ntm.6ci: is onev of " : the; greatest temptations to ind oience,,

iHorny-mehtal— Tiiahfcing what you'll do as the infuriated bull approaches.

A man should always beware of a back kick from a girl wearing a highheeled shoe. * . * . ■ . *

It has come. A child born on Webb Day m Wanganui. has been' christened Mary Webbina Perkins. ; ,-•.'■ « .■';■»'-:'.>■-••■•■

A humble bank teller m America recently married a millionairess— he must hate been a great tare teller.

"The office. of the Society for the :Pi'e.y£n.tion of Women and Children, was "what solicitor Atkinson called the organisation, m his' 'hurry to complete a sentence. A. society with fourteen words m its title deserves to lose one or two of them m the agitation of the moment.

Mr Jas. Taylor, .popular foreman for contractor, McG-uire, of Wellington, celebrated his silver Wedding yesterday week, and entertained a 'number of friends at his Willis-street house m honor of the. event,. When '•'Truth" calebrates its silver wedding it would like to do it m thc style adopted by Taylor.

Shades of the Exhibition and the mighty Munro !. ReeftOn Representation Committee has jiist received gold medals ■ for exhibits of fancy timber and mineral water, and though entered and catalogues, the West Coast products WERE NEVER SENT TO THE EXHIBITION. Munro will drink his beer by. proxy yet.

"Truth" gives Miramar "Plunder- , this advertisement free of cost. Wii 1 the police take it into their heads and keep a clear 1 look-out and pay every regard to the complaints of females about being roughly, and what is still more, serious, indecent--ly assaulted by blackguards who infest that form of wonder called, the "&atzenjam'mcr Castle?" No^, "Critic" hopes the necessity •to again remark on this matter will not arise

The "strike.'- of greasers, and firemen at the Picton Freezing Works, as per usual, was made to appear that the. men were m the wrong. Can't beat the daily press for barracking for Capital. It never mentioned that the men who chucked the game haven't a union to look after their interests, and that, the men asked to be given the jsamc rate of pay as that given - by . the Christchurch Meat Op. Cwhich is the Picton Freezing Works) to its employees at Islington and elsewhere. .

One of the results of living m a ; iProsperous country is/the number of desertipns from ocean boats, where _the life of the seaman is a hell on water, and the pay is nothing to speak bfv A fine type of manhood named. Richard Amandus Berg left the Marere at Wellington . and took on heavy tpil at tlie Ngahauranga 1 railway works, where he was getting a. living wage and r go'od tucker. Tfho relentless law nabbed him, however, and gaol held Mm till the arrival of his ship nine' days later.

"Critic", doubts not that the following item from the v Morning Microbe's Woman's PageVvill be cheerfully refreshing to the 999,000 people of this Dominion who never see the rag : "Mrs Price is over from Nelson . for a few days' shopping." No drapers m Wellington have yet an-nounced-their retirement from business. Without being offensive, " Critic'V washes tb remark that Carrotty Liz is down from Masterton sampling local beer.

Private buyers m Christchurch are kicking up a rare rumpus because they are disallowed from buying anything at auction sales m the city. The reason why nobody seems ' to know. But at anyrate an apple and tomato trus»t won't sink the Christohurchians. The only thing visible is for the Farmyards Company, who gives everybody a fair show and who would get on all right if. they increased their activity. Money would flow m like water, and the tyrannous boy cotters would be. given short shrift. More will be heard of the rhatter.

The gentle . Kanaka.- At a Fijian Court recently a case of assault was heard. It seems that a constable was sent from the Rewa Courthouse to serve a summons on a kanaka at the Government Experimental Station at Nasinu. When he arrived there he was assaulted by the defendant, who struck him several blows ith a hoe handle. When asked m Court to plead, defendant admitted the charge, and said he had done so because the constable had come to serve a summons on. his mate. This was not correct, he considered, so promptly with the hoe handle administered a severe caStigation on 'the unfortunate '"ofisa." The defendant seemed quite indignant m Court to think that anyone should even think of giving him or his mate a summons. He was given two months' gaol to consider the matter at his leisure.

/ Hymn-moral !? Sunday school precepts.

* ' ■ ■ . • *. ! Your-rope-in ideas ?,' The hangman's.

. The hoarding business is a placardly affair. * * *

The one at the cash register is the beautiful sir-cash-un.

Moving pitcher show— The jug going to and from the pub.

The blind beggar goes out into the street for come-pence.

The American., motto is— "Make money silently, and spend it with a flourish of trumpets. " .

It is not a fact that Microbe Freeth has taken on the job of editing and managing the '-'Times" at a reduced screw. * * *

A, Lyttelton kid has already been burdened with the horrible name of "Nimrod Shackleton." It's sex isn't mentioned, but if it's a girl everybody will- know her age at thdrtyfive.

"Sleepy Hollow" is making stren uous efforts to wake up. Nelsqn "Colonist" states that "a man found sleeping m a railway carriage at an early hour this mornin-rr was arrested on a charge of vagrancy." They are beginning to discourage sleep down there.

A wealthy American has, out of sympathy, married a woman who lost a leg through being run over by his motor car. Compulsory marriage to any unwodded female injured by his car should always be the dandy motorist's punishmenV and if the old maids fully understood such a law they could soon put a terrified stop, to scorching.

Another motor hog . has been let loose on the community at Christchurch—Dr. Diamond, who ran into a tramcar with great fury and killed a man named Merrit, who was manager of the Christchurch Meat Company. At the inquest deadly Diamond 'got out of it, but ,he was talked to m a strong tone of voice, which he will remember m his dreams.

The parson is a vain animal. As a proof, glance over the religious announcements m Saturday's morning papers. Even m the 'crush to keep his "ad." within the number of words allowed for a bob, he must drag m all bis titles. If he is an M.A.,' and a 8.D., and all the rest -of it, he never forgets to det the public know it.

<Pe.tth) < Says, that at a rag-shop-ciim-tiheatrical , boardinghouse m, that city, they are practising the various scenes of the Wallace Divorce case, and, when perfect, they are going to invite a man with a talking-maohine to come round and work up some bioscope films. Pie should get some fine pictures, as they are putting m some strong work.

A .spiritualist, giving evidence m a Melbourne Police Court, said that she frequently had spirit communication, with Queen Anne. She could scarcely have selected amore uninteresting spook friend, but probably, like, the average spiritualistic medium, she does not know English, or any other history, and has a habit of making dead princes and potentates drop their h's.

"You often hear it said that we priests make our pile," remarked grey-headed Father Goggan at Napier. "At the bank to-morrow Iwill have a bank balance of £1 Os 6d to be paid to me, and I have' been 23 years a priest." There are priests ,and priests, apparently. Rey. Dawvid Sidey, of Napier, retired from the sin-shifting biz. on a comfortable fortune, and Archdeacon Sam Williams died worth half a million.

THE NEW WOMAN

She talked with great intensity of each man's base propensity, and spoke with volubility of woman's higher plane ; She dwelt on domesticity with mental elasticity, and said that such felicity was quite m vain. With gestures oratorical and phrases metaphorical, she voiced the powers numerous that woman had untold. She spoke with zeal dramatical of voting systematical, and ballotboxes spherical, and votes not • bought with gold. She said m each vicinity the doctors of divinity would come from feminity; m bloomers they would be. And matrons with rapidity would lose all their timidity, and no more asinity m Congress we would see. And while with such audacit--"' she showed her great capacity, and talked with great didacity, her husband learned to sween ; And while with such ability she dwelt on her utility with such intense pugnacity, he puts the twins to sleep. -"New York Sun."

, A large majority ol college-bred women do not marry until -they have passed thedr thirtieth year, and a •considerable number of. them ' never •marry at all. It is a brave man who takes on a blue-stocking.

The Mikado is recalling the Japs, from San Francisco, but some who are doing very nicely are deaf to his call. A memorandum from the Japanese Government states that no more Japs, will be permitted to emigrate' to the United States or Canada. Pop goes the weasel !

The end of the Arbitration Court s.pems to be in' sight, and few of the general public fGel sorry. As a means of settling industrial disputes the Court is impotent, more strikes having taken place since its advent than ever before m, a similar period of. time.

The desire of WoW-ser parsons that funerals on Sundays should not be allowed, is, of course, only a dodge to endeavor to snavel the coin and concentrate attention upon church services. But why don't the parsons go further, and demand legislation to prevent people from ' dying on Fridays and Saturdays ?

A plebiscite of teachers m New York has decided that .sparing the rod means spoiling tl_c v child. If the rod wero abolished, it would he necessary to dismiss a.ll the teachers who are only,, able to rule by fear, also to reform parents so that defective home training should not increase the trials of teachers.

A Bill has been introduced into the Yankee House. of Reps, to prevent-' daughters of multi-millionaires^'ex-changing their dollars for foreign titles. It is proposed to tax marriage dowries m such cases to the extent of 25 per cent. Why should there not be matrimonial protection when the raw material consists of dollar-laden maidens ?

The great Jones family, sons of the carlv Welsh kings, fell out over a | sordid two-up debt down Greymouth way. Davy Jones lost £14 at Big [ River to T. O. Jones (no relation to David), who was able to head 'em with astounding frequency. David thought considerably about tbe matter, then refused to pay up. Later, lie left. the district, but -was followed by T.6.J., who knocked his namesake down and took the- cash from Mm. Davy accused T.O. J. of using a twoheaded penny, and had refused to liaiiidate the gambling debt for that reason. A hesitating j,ury found thc dishonest Jones guilty, with a strong "recommendation to meray, and a fins of £10 was imposed for, assault. On the robbery charge he was, ordeir_e4.. to . come up for sentence when !• called upon. Two-up is a. relieion on the Coast.

Henry Smith left Auckland recently without mentioning the*- matter to his wife, and the police- were asked to find him. He was- located m this rack-rented city and charged with wife desertion. Smith, wbio was m 'good work, was filled with astonishment ;• he. had no intention of deserting: he said, and was willing to pay 30s' a' week towards the support of his' wife and youngster. As it was absolutely ridiculous to drag a working' person back to a city where there was no work, an adjournment Vas crahted pending developments. Meanwhile "the missus wired accepting the | 30s' offered, and followed the wire up with a signed document to that ef- [ feet, so that Smith was liberated by the* foorce, which meditates committing the unhappy offspring of the union to an industrial! school.

"Critic" thanks heaven there is hope yet. He has been reading Professor Elie Metchnikbff (sub-director of. the Pasteur Institute) on "The Prolongation of Life," and he learns with great satisfaction that the temperance cranks have not got it all their . own way. The author has counted from a list of centenarians who led a conspicuously sober and frugal, life, but, on the other hand, many were anything but temperate m. their habits. :— Catherine Reymond, for instance, who died m. 1758 at the a©c of 107 years, drank much wine ; and Politiman, a surgeon who lived from 1685 to 1825, was m the habit, from his 25th year onwards, of getting drunk every night, after having attended to his practice ail. day. Gascoigne, a butcher of .Trie . (HautesPyr.enees), died m 1767 at the age of. 120, and had been accustomed to get . drunk twice a week. , A most curious example is that .of the Irish land-owner Brawn, who lived to the age of 120, and who had an inscription put upon his tombstone that he was always drunk, and wjhen m that condition was so terrible that even death had been afraid of him. Some districts, even, are distinguished at once for the longevity of their inhabitants and for the large local consumption of alcohol. In- 1897, the village of Chailly, m the Cote dOr, had no less than 20 octogenarians amongst 523 inhabitants. This village' is one of thc localities m France where most alcohol is consumed, and the old people are very far from being distinguished from their younger fellows by any special sobriety.