THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 141, 29 February 1908, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage? Or note unmoved his mention m the Critic's page? Parade bis error m the public eya? A.ud Mother Grundy's rage defy? I Jockeys should have whips ot stuff. | •- . ' • , •■■■■... ! America is the land of eye-dollar-[try. \ Women can keep the secret of sucicess. ! ' *. . . '♦■■ •■ •*" ! The p-hysic-al policy ? Tho quack ■doctors. Some people love- the truth when- a lie isn't handy 1 . ■ • m ' ' ■■ ,\ The crookedly-inclined man goesj straight to the toad. i a 9 • Dead men tell no tales. Their wid.ows draw their pensions though. «* * ' Policeman ? A 'hunter of the poor delinquent, and an obsequious toady to the rich. • . ' • ■• ". The story of tfie broad and narrow path was written before motor cars were invented. . / ..' * * m A napped pew-bill ■? Excusing yourself to the parson for having slept the" sermon through. *•. * . The small boy hates to be 1 polite to other boys. He. reckons they'll think they can lick him. . Man does not understand woman before he fenows her ; or when he knows her, and forever afterwards. * ■■ *■ ' ■ * A man riever feels more occasion for diplomacy than when the dentist engaged m stopping his teeth expresses a political opinion with which he cannot agree. ' . ■ . . ■ '• ■■-.•.-.• «■- •=* - ■ Joe Ward, Premier,' has been m some tight ,; places m his career^ but' the "Northern, Luminary" got him located the other day when it set forth m large type : "SIR JOSEPH IN A NUT-SHELL, " How the dcv- j il did he get there, anyhow ! Is this j a. new scheme of the walnut and pea man, or what ? "\ * • ■ THE FATE OF THE FALLEN. We hear of Hill and Trutnper,* And all the flannelled men, Of Webb and Burns and Burrows, ; And all the rest of them— I Each, m thd field's athletic, i To shining fame aspires— But one seems quite forgotten— Oh where, oh where is Siquires ? •■ • . • ♦ ■ Temiika was, well provided with j music on Saturday last, says a local; paper. "Truth" suspects it of -being sarcastic. During the day an itinerant organ-grinder worked the main j street pretty: thoroughly, and m the \ evening the organ-grinder, the Salvation Army band, and a piper were all playing at the same time. AM \ yet people down there talk of probi- ! bition. * ' ' • ■ ' • ' - ■ ■ . , We all kmow him. The perky littlechap who writes long-winded letters to the press, signs them m dog-lat-in, and winds up with. "I trust that, some abler pens than mine will ventilate the matter thoroughly." If anyone, should hint to the little bantam that" there was a possibility of others knowing more about the thing than he, his poor wife is m for a bickering time, sonny is cuffed on the slightest provocation, the slavey. g>ets what for, and there is pandemonium generally till the sting wears off. •. ' •-•-.•. "We give m. We've got no possible chance. It's far better for my client to own up." Thus the candid Wilford when defending sly-grogger Bob Wilson, convicted of purveying purge m the Courtenay Place w.c. Counsel said it was only another case of fighting a huge monopoly. "Liquor is a gigantic trust sanctioned by Parliament, and the hotel interest must be protected, " he remarked.*- Mentioning Wilson's choice of a public convenience as a dispensary; and the selection of that smellsome resort by the thirsty as a shelter to swill m, learned counsel quoted the reflection of some ancient Johnny, wlio observed, truly, that there is no accounting for taste. *.- • • Kids at Oamarii played a great game at the swimming baths the other day, aiid frightened lots of missies who were dabbling their little tootsiea m the briny. The said kids 'collect a score or so of frogs, and wrajijjav'th'em up m a paper bag and threw^^^vbag amongst the various PhtecheisJj*Result, when the paper bag fe^ojea the water it let loose Its ljvc contents, and the croakers, who respect no persons, even jumped on the tarts' backs, and the ladies, bless 'em, wondered what the devil was on them v and made a beeline for safety, and what happened or was 'said m the dressing-room "Critic" cannot say, not being there. Anyhow, more kids came to the rescue and cleared the baths of the frogs, and everything m the swimming line went on happily and smoothly*

.'- The In-fer'-noo^h% -she - refuses him. •" "■".■■■• Slop-maid ? • The bobby 's bit of muslin. •♦' ■ * The golden ore ? Aquatic championships. .•■•■ ■ • • ' ' Misery loves company, but it's rough on the company.. ■ ■■'•*-, • . ■ The darkest hour m man's life is when he 'hasn't got a match. • ... ' ' '•.-.'•'•. ■ ■ I When the best girl bows her head'and sweetly whispers yes, she "stoops to concur. - : English, as she is written - m /the Transvaal :— '„ , .. , , "Mr Jonson "1 per booth Solen and Hell ' 6 6 "a per -booth Solen onle ...46 . 11 0 "U Ken. pa dis boy." The footnote means "You can pay this boy. ' V - Chowth Africa is a white man's country all right. . Two young ladies interviewed Inspector Macdonnell, of Napier, recently, wishing to. lay a complaint against a G-isbo me publican. The courteous old gentleman told, them that they were bad women ; lie could tell by the look of their eye. Now, an officer that can do that sbould be a real first-class -'.criminal catcher, and yet "Truth" has never heard of Macdonnell (Muck-Dbn-ell, it is pronounced) doing anything clever. * , * .-' ■ * A Worser Bay dabbler m photography recently in|ported a telescopic lens and has taken som<e remarkable pictures of mooning couples oil the surrounding hills. The lovers,, trusting to the fancied security from vulgar eyes lent by the extreme distancer, have m most cases given themselves over to . the rapture of ths moment, : iting" photo is blushful m the extreme. UntoW wealth wouldn't buy those plates now. * » * Taihaiie •is m for something . it^ wants badly. A brewery is on the tapis, and - Taihape thirsts are being saved m consequence and anticipation. A P aimer ston N. brewer recently visited the Main Drunk town, with a view of testing the water for beer purposes. The local journal is happy to record the fact that results are m every way favorable. Will it b ; e beer that will make Taihape famous ? Oh, no whisky has ' done the trick already. * , » ■. ' - • A BALLET SHAME. Oh>. the 'girls are; we, That you scarcely see, For we're hidden m the chorus ; While the star so grand Takes her airy, stand In the spotlight- just before us.; All the work we do, Which you know is true. Though it is ourselves who've said ' ' - s it-/ •■ ' ■ ■•■■ ■ But when people shout, And applause rings out, It's the star who gets the credit. . The casual New' Zealand boy can-. not find an equal, m this wide, wide world. . Up at ISlew Plymouth the other; day. an office boy got the sack. Did he care ?. No. He. had been warned before and took ..the'.r'-. —.; ; d he, cry and ask for one more chance ? Nary an ask. What 'did he do ? He simply pulled a cigarette from his , kick, cadged a .match, asked his exboss to have a smoke, which was refused, and the budding citizen departed, crowned with a halo of cigarette smoke. That boy 'will do the library act yet, if he isn't gaoled. ■ • • ■• • -■ The new Public Service.Superannuation Fund, comes into operation m about six months' time, and great is the joy thereat m bald-headed "ju.- ( nior" circles. It means the dropping out of the running of leeches on the Public purse that have been hanging on for years , arid years past. It means the advancement of some socalled juniors, -'.who themselves are beginning to notice the thinness of their hair, and regard their age with jealousy and veneration. What a glorious look-out for the real juniors. Two hundred years ahead things will be different. • * * The offence of*'commifting a grossly; indecent act is becoming so' common iii Wellington that Magistrate Riddeli refuses to accept the most aject excuses for-, the bestial display. A person afflicted with the aristocratic moniker of Oholmondely, who is plain "Ghumley" to his'friends, wasarrested on Saturday m York . Avenue While obeying a call of nature. Chum is a respectable-looking old cuss, and acknowledged 63 years of age. He explained to the Bench that he was suffering from weakness of the bladder, al§o stricture, and the act was an involuntary one. He pleaded for a chance, mainl^ on account of his delicate wife, whose unfortunate ■' husband was her sole means of supjport. Bedell. S.M., remarked that i lie had heard similar pleas before. If ' Ohutnley were liable to the unpleasantness mentioned by him he should make himself acquainted with the conveniences m the city. Fined £5 or ■ seven days ; a week given to collect the wealth.;

■Daze, tfiat' are gone ?■ Dreams of the past* ■ ■ • •-. Music— A flowing, stream of poetry, shallow to those who look near the brim, but deep to those who look beyond. ■ • • In England and America the Great Problem has been solved, theatrical managers offering a prize for the lady | wearinig' the' smallest hat—this proves a great "bat-rackshun." "• ' • • , : * ' "Woman is an unmanageable creature," a Japanese saying has it;; "flatter her, she is elated • thrash her, she weepeth ; kill her, her: spirit haunts you. The best remedy is to love her."- --.'.'•;.•.■ • . ' • ■■ - Another injustice to femininity 1 ! A correspondent writes to the dailies complaining of the crowing of cocks m the city and suburbs. ' 'He adds : "Only hens should be allowed to be kept. Of course, the hens could be put upon country oggs, which would obviate the necessity of keeping male birds." The only use for tlte rooster m these days is, • apparently,' to , pot him. The females are always putting the poor males out of their jobs ! The foundation-stone of the* new Presbyterian Church* m Bank-street (says the Whangarei "Press") is to be laid by the Prime Minister, ' the Right Hon. Sir Joseph Ward, on the occasion of his approaching visit to Whangarei, Another form of placating the wowser. Doesn't Joe stand the risk of being excommunicated ? Anpropbs of laying foundation-stones, Lady Ward recently did the trick for a newspaper office at Hamilton. "Truth's" new office will fee started soon, and Lady Plunket will be asked to do the laying business. If she refuses, J. J, North will be invited to consecrate tne show. Are fire brigade men gifted with a chronic thirst as the result of their warm and smoky jobs? asks an exchange. A Wairarapa paper says the Burton Brewery Company, of Palmerston North, has donated a quantity of beer for the Fire Brigade Conference to be held at Masterton, and the North. Island Brewery Company oi Mangatainoka, has voted a sum of two guineas towards the expenses of the Conference. Captain H. G. Stewart, of the local brigade, is the Taihape delegate. If it wasn't that water was scarce m Wellington. "Critic" would feel inclined to wish the Wellington Fire Brigade good luck. , The defence put up by the Chinese charged with playing fan tan at the Greymouth Court the other- day was somewhat novel, but it did not convince the Magistrate. Without a quiver on their countenances one after another swore that the money found on the table was collected to send home to the poor of China, and . the men were assembled for the purpose of contributing their mite. A little later on when a Chinaman was under cross-examination he was asked which table the money was on, there being .two m the room. In his.endeavor to • clearly explain he remarked, "not the fan tan table,, but the .other one." ' Then there was a Taugh. Poor John ! Poor, John !. Why it's a tribute to the hypocritical influence of the • wowser; * ' * ... * Webb's won, and "Critic" has jubilated accordingly, and is nieased more than anything else that the daily bulletins from Wanganui are unhappy memories of the past. Too late to notice last week, "Truth" wants to show how strong they made it. "Eltham Argus" kicked, vigorously last week to this effect: "There is nothing new to report concerning the sculling championship." So runs the first words of a four-leaf telegram we have received from Wanganui • to-day. We would suggest to the Press Association agent at Wanganui that until there is something new he cease sending telegrams, and save the newspapers of the Dominion the expense of paying for four pages of trivialities. Certainly Webb is champion ; but who made the most. Echo answers, Who ? Are you listening Friar Tuck ? • • • Victoria, like New Zealand, has its pious pimps, as at a place call.d Egerton recently a Methodist minister lodged a complaint with the local constable that a farmer was working ■on Sunday cutting his crop. The i clergyman said he had remonstrated with the offender, but was told that he would do a*s he liked, and he could Ido the same. The constable reported that Ryan Bros-, had admitted the offence, but pointed that the crop was over-ripe and shedding grain, makino: the work one of necessity. He asked the Council for authority to prose- 1 cute. Councillors were t unanimous \ that the work was one of necessity. I and would not authorise any prosecution. Ryan Bros., eh ! What's m a name? This one is to a wowser what a red flag is to a bull. Recent parson-prompted prosecution of i a Wellington book-seller mifht not have hppn so rotten if the offender i had not been a Holy Roman. Subtle j 1 is the serpent ol Sectarianism.

; ' 'Oh, dupe-hitter ! ' ' as ■ the smart young man said when he first struck the wrong part of the punching machine. • •' ■ Mount Vesuvius grows downwards with earth eruption. Soon, perhaps, a globe-trotting Irishman may gaze downwards into its depths, and pitingly . describe it as a "poor, dead crater." • « ■ Girls, beware of beards ! A French professor says :—"li , any woman could . get a look through a microscope at the moustache and beard of a man, she would never let him kiss her unless he shaved, or enveloped Ms whiskers m asceptic gauze." "Critic" fancies, however, that kissing will go on, beards or no beards ! It isn't very nattering that when women are weighed against good clothes, good cigars, good clubs, and all the , other appurtenances of comfortable masculine existence, they so often lose out, but the disinclination of men to marry "seems to point to the fact that when a man has to economise! he commences on a wife. • «. « Hash-foundry boarders ought to beware of corned beef, owing to its preservative, qualities. It is quite common, says a cook who knows, to serve, up the same piece of corned dog on two consecutive Saturdays ; but the paying guests snifi the aroma with watery i mouths each time, and the landlady's heart gladdens as she reflects on the siller she has saved. •* - • . In Sydney, a girl of 1G attempted to commit suicide by drowning, because a young man "was m the habit of visiting" her at her place of residence, and heating her if she refused to associate with him. This is a mode of escape which might have been excusable m a primitive prehistoric maiden,, but its adoption by a i 20th . century lass shows an unprecedented state of 20th ' century innocence. . ■ .. ' • • • Shannon is a one-horse sort of village where even moo cows don't mind what horses win the boat race. Shannon has a post and telegraph office, and a friend of "Critic" on.j Shannon's race-day endeavored to send a telegram at 11 a.m., but had i to practically burgle the place to get m, and when he got m some junior i letter-carrier or something equally I important put on dog and wanted to I know what the intruder wanted, and was shocked when he heard that I- "Critic's" friend had a telegram to transmit. Certainly the boy had heard of a telegram, but he could not. send it then because he was busy sorting the mail, just as if Shannon ever had a mail. Then he got nasty, and swore, m an official sense, of course, and "Critic's" friend went away greatly impressed- with tho splendid telegraph and postal service, and- vowing to never go to Shannon again. • •...■* • ■ • • Wellington "Ghost", was going to get. ahead of its reptile morning cpntemporanies Tuesday. night, by bringing out a special. Webb edition at. .7 p.m., but a very.small.happening, spoilt the whole business.. The reporters on the launch finished their 12rcolumn screed all right, and entrusted. it rto Harrington, of the "front office" to get ashore."., a motorrcar belched petrol and odor on the, river bank, ready to make a dash for. Wellington with the graphic story, ■ and Harrington tied the "copy with a piece of- string. . to I which was .attached a stone. Then he- hurled the precious parcel shorewards ; but;' alas ! misjudged the distance, and the water engulphed the brilliant emanations from the repor- J toria'l intellect. Malicious contemporaries aver that the weight of the journalistic lucubrations assisted the stone to sink the "only true and reliable account" of the boat race, but they are naturally prejudiced. J ■ * • ■ . •■ | The dishonorable costs' profession has been having a crook run lately. Bruges, Izard, Scott— now solicitor ! Cook, of Wellington, it is alleged— j [have disgraced, the shark trade by sw. allowing their man whole without chewing him . . Robert . Cook stands charged, on summons, with converting, to his own use the sum of £83 7s. 7d, the property of /May Victoria Egan.. . The circumstances, it is alleged, .reveal the same old betrayal of.. trust. When the mother of Miss Egan died., Cook was- entrusted with £300 to meet expenses, incidental to the- demise and sundry small accounts. He delayed . accounting for this money, but finally sent a huge bill of costs, at sight of which even Jellicoe would grow pallid with apprehension. It absorbed the whole £300, and was so openly an attempt, at highway robbery that an indignant I victim- sought to have the bill taxed, or- otherwise reduced m the Supremo Court. The conviction that the happening was downright thieving grew on" the victim's solicitor, who took the above action, but carefully issued a 'summons. If Cook were a navvy or 'a pork butcher he would probably be arrested instivnter, and it is no doubt "due to the reverence of costly members for the dishonorable costs profession that the indiscreet shark : retains his liberty.