THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 138, 8 February 1908, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage? Or note unmoved liisxneutiou m fclie'Critic'-s page? f arade his error m the public eye ? And Mother Grundy's rage defy? Nerve specialists have plenty of nerve. * .■•..-..■■• When a parson prays he does so professionally , the congregation are only amateurs. ■■■■•■ *» • • Notice writ large qn the window of a "city dressmaker : "Mrs - — ■ closed for alterations and repairs." It is a bad sign when a damsel squeezes her pillow m her u___s, and calls out her best boy's name. i Sydney "Bulletin" refers to the Xv ,v Zealand bookmakers as Moses I and Isaacs, Now, how many Yids i are there m the game m this country ? But tl\e ''Bulletin always was a top-notcher for unreliability. I • .»•..'-. Mr Love, a stipendiary magistrate of Sydney, says he is prepared to order a flogging for all convicted of" ruffianly larrikin-ism. He •prefers to rule by fear rather than by Love. * • • "Woman is an unmanageable creature," a Japanese saying has it ; "flatter her, she is elated ; . thrash her, she weepeth ; kill her, her spirit haunts you. The best remedy is to love her." a . sa ■ a When two spielers /were before a Northern court the other day, the question was asked* by the Bench : — ! "Were there many 'books' m Whangi arei, m connection with the races ?" j "Yes, about 20 books and 150 -hangers-on," was the reply. No Iwondor, when books are responsible for such parasite^ tftftt . : they _ get a rough passage, and 'lts useless for them to squeal either j * » • The eel liar is abroad m the land. His phenomenal catches are para graphed by every paper, and the most simple sample comes frm Opunake, where a small boy caught one of the slippery specimens which, when opened, contained two young ducks. "Critic," while eeliug at Wainui recently, caught a monster eel which, when ripped, showed' that it had attempted to digest a linotype. t. as v John Croakley, an old dead-beat and gone-bung, died m a lock-up cell at Lambton Quay the other day and at the inquest held subsequently the .old 'un was .declared to be a robust individual." Nov/, this is' contrary to' fact, Croakley was a.deerepid drunkard, who could hardly put a foot forward. What the devil do , the police mean .. by such statements. Is there something desirous of being . hidden ? '* • * Fashionable intelligence from the "Westpor.t News" :— "The Coropration's heavy road roller was put on Palmerston-stree.t yesterday, " . and, aided by the rain, effected a very considerable improvement. Mr H. McLaughlan was the driver and had fine strongly-built Jiorses under his control." Anyhow, ..why not mention that the "pilgrims ht the night" arc abroad, and that Tom Smith and Jack Brown, etc., handled the rib? B ; pns with their customary dash. ■ '....*•• ♦ • . "The Palmerston North Council seems to have got a riasty knock op its nob. Mayor Essex seems to have given them a pill, and now perhaps grovelsonie Carneecieite cadgers can sec how it. was done. 'Mayor Essex was, vnd is, an anti-cadger, but the Council was too strong for him, arid it decided to crawl and furtheiv mbre it made a bite for £10,000, and m so many words the blood-suck-er of Pittsburg told the Council td go to hell and it gets nothing at alh » * ■ * Because a couple of blue-i.ici-:ets eff ono of the visiting warships pulled a log off the railway line rhe newspapers think the fact of sufficient importance to be reported m their columns. If. a couple of navvies had done the same thing no one -would have beard of it. Why is it that these, sailormen, who have never done -anything braver than to plug some " unoffensive. citizen when he wasn't looking, should, be made such heroes of ? Time enough to ' put them on a pedestal when they have smelt powder and shown, what they are made of. * « * Doesn't matter about his name. But he was a Christchurch one-leg-ged man with two crutches, and he . was accosted with the offence .of be- ] ing tdo blimy ordinary and asked the j policeman if to-morrow wasn't Wed-! nesday. Well, the copper on the beat, who, when he's not asleep— is never m a heap— is a right good fel- ; low. And why not. The only thing j that the police^said against him was - that things . weren't too good so far, as togs were concerned, *and that there was a wild area of. refuse water | m the Island, and that the Dominion j was still full of sulphur, full of re- ■ fulgent, payable, non-stinkablc quantities. Up he want. I

"Air men are liars and but few jockeys are triers. * • • "Never say die." But the wouldbe suicide does so. « » o The most difficult task set a clair- , voyant is to pick a winner. » ' » . • The punter is a confirmed optimist ~ "'better luck next time-!" is always his motto. * • • When you see a pug with a cauliflower ra<r it is no sign that he is a vegetarian. - * « * Unhappy is the lot of a man on a small screw with a wife who has a passion for punting. »' * * . It is all ri_ht to look a gift horse m the mouth, but bad manners to do so before the eyes of the giver. * » • If a girl stands on her head whilst riding a bike round a corner you should never look the .other way. ■•* I - The rockhopper is a man who takes a fishing basket m one hand and his life m the ' other and loses unlimited sinkers. * * » One thing is certain, if Shackleton is chased by a hungry bear down m the Polar regions he will always be able to keep cool. Can a racehorse owner be a Christian is a subject that has. missed discussion. It would be interesting to hear the gamp waving, bible-thump^ ing section thresh it out. a.m A' family of six m eighteen months is too. much for words. Yet that is what Mrs Alfred Holloway, of Market Drayton, England, presented her husband with. What . the husband thinks is really too much for words to express. Perhaps Mrs Holloway is like the old woman who lived m a shoe. * • ' • The heading, "Woman's Suffrage,?' m a morning paper, reminds "Critic" of a servant girl he once had who, when asked her opinion on the subject, said that men always did have the best of it. and what women went througjh at times was a caution. She never was a bright girl, though. * ■ * During a murder inquest m London recently a female witness was asked : "You are like the previous witness, a professional p.rostitute. are you not?" "Professional indeed ! .The hidea !" retorted the woman, hotly. "Well." said the lawyer, "I'll withdraw the word 'pr6fessiional.' May I ask an enthusiastic amateur ?" Witness, much mollified, "M-yes, sir." "... >".....•..- At Christchurch on Monday a tall man with 'a leg and a-half and two crutches was indicted that he did deliberately and. wilfully and with malice aforethought, get blind drunk. He said, "Yes," and was dealt with m the usual manner. . If . a man . can't walk straight with three legs and a« swinger, he should certainly give the game . best and take water, with his meals and seek to find religion. —'■ v - : •-» ■ Edward Winter, charged with indecent assault; on a .little girl at Oriental Bay, appeared before Jud?e Chapman m the Supreme Court on Wednesday, and was defended by Tom Wilford, whose eloquence prevailed on the jury. -The police case was ad? mittedly a weak one, and .a- practical jury, returned a verdict „-. of !'Not Guilty" after a ten minutes' retirement. The learned Judge forbade publication of the evidence. Adeline Lilian May Francis, Tjvho lived sinfully with a mart named Tiernan, happened to be m Wellington P.O. m November, when a girl named Maud Tierney asked for a registered letter from her brother m Hawke's Bay. This gave Adeline Lilian May an idea, and returning next day she also asked for a letter addressed to Maud Tiernev and received one containing £2, whi°h she duly cashed m the name of Maud. She remarked m the Lower Court that she expected some cash from an old Australian admirer up the line, but this didn't prevent her going up for trial. On Wednesday she pleaded guilty, and was ordered into eommilsory. State service for a three months' stretch. « * • Bill Plunket's wife, the Governoress, is a sensible woman, and being a mother and having had everything^ that money could procure for her itf the way of comfort and kindness when on her accouchement couch, is telling Auckland mothers, what they ' should (\.o. She said at a recent mothers' meeting at Auckland that if all mothers . were able and ready to ifeed tha^r children by Nature's methr od, much could be said for such an opinion, which was, that a "mother's instinct" would teach her how to feed her babe, but this unfortunately was not the case. Under existing circumstances a mother cannot possibly consult a doctor concerning the daily ups and downs of her baby. She is therefore dependent upon unskilled advice, and has to experiment upon her infant, often with disastrous resultsc

Discretion is the worst patt of valor, ! m « a ■ The iron-y of fate— When the wash-, ing comes home too late for the gar-? den party. In Madagascar, Christmas and New, Year are observed twice a year. Once per annum is enough for this country. *• • • Some fifteen prohibition orders are ] m effect m Otaki, and during the next few days the local constable will apply for another half dozen or ! so. What a thirsty spot ! ' » * - * . , An inventor has applied for a pat- i ;bnt for an endless band. What one i vWants on the hot days is an endless glass for drinking purposes. * ■ » • Appearances may be deceptive, but judging by recent Wellington expe.iences, disappearances could, if revealed, explain a good deal. » * . * .Why are the Petone Navals not going to participate m camping operations at Mahanga Bay ? Is this anything to do with Ship Cove ? ■,*.••'. • * • "The" profession is looking up ! The list of last year's insolvencies does not contain the name of a sin-; gle journalist ! Blest paper credit !• Perhaps they cannot get it •! * * * Times change. Until recently • it was considered bad manners to mention ailments m; polite society. Now everyone talks t at table of the vaga-? ries of his or her "little Mary." * * ■ Carnegie declares that his receipt for happiness is, "Obey your conscience and make others happy." Conscience and Carnegie !. What a juxtaposition ! His motto should be, "Snavel all you can from Pittsburg ■— and endow libraries !" '' *' n a A -man named Charles Chase, m Canada, who had reached the -age of 99 years, committed suicide by taking poison, and left a note stating that he was tired of life.- • Doubtless Death said to him, "Chase me Charlie!" And he caught him! ■ • j* ■« » An ew club for women m New York, named the Philoealian, has forsworn low-necked gowns, peek-a-boo blouses, cocktails, hansom cabs, and after- theatre suppers. What will there then be to live for ? Such an idea would not catch on m Wellington society." ,'"'■* ■* * , • ' A. man m London provides alibis for. husbands who wish to escapefor! ,a .time from' their wives. He arranges . for letters to be sent . from anytown, .although the writer, may be, say, m. Paris, How convenient ! There .is a great opening for the same, kind of business m New Zealand ! *•. • • •"Farming is a pure < gamble. One year you ma p get a crop, while the next years , all your belongings may be- lost- by drought, rabbits, or fire,'! says an up-country farmer. Though it- is a- gamble, all the parsons- toll us to "go on the land.ii: They don't, however, practice what they preach. - • * *.- A Chicago lawyer tells a good .story of a newly-appointed judge m a court m tine back-woods. When all the" evidence was m, 'he was , asked if he wanted to, charge the jury, but he said; he wouldn't, charge 'em anything, because he'd come all the way there to assist 'cm, and the bit he knew they were welcome to. *+• ■ m "Solemn Bob" was the " sobriquet' of Dr." Strong the hero ofthe Wallace v.. Wallace divorce case, as a boy. owing to his goody-good tendencies. This reminds us of the advice of the great -divine, the Rev. De Witte Talmage : "Look out for the boy who never has the fingers of a gopci laugh to tickle him under the diaphragm. Tho most solemn-looking mule on outplace has kicked to pieces , five djtsh boards." ••,.* • . . m Passengers by the Moeraki, which arrived here from Sydney last Thursday, had a terrific passage and one not" likely to be forgotten by those who came across. One second-class passenger had the misfortune to break his arm, being struck by a \^ave that swept the deck. So terrific was the gale that several portholes were jhursti open and smashed to bits. Indeed, it was one of the roughest trifrs the old boat has yet had. ':■■.-*. * * ' An individual rejoicing m the name of Warren, called at our Christchurch j office last week m a state of hysteri- j cai indignation, vowing. 'dire ven-| seance on "Truth" and ail connected with it. . He wanted to know how we dared to call him a silly sausage >;. he was a well-informed' English, gentleman, who was trying to . uphold j the rights" of Capital against the rotten, Labor laws, and "Truth" dared to ridicule him, and much more of .the same kind of silly rot, Our representative mildly advised him to consult a .medical man as to his mental state, as, m his opinion,, he was a most unmitigated ass, and then showed him the doorr We should be sorry if all English gentlemen are of ! vhe same stamp as +M-S silly fellow.