THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 136, 25 January 1908, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

m " ' Who can undaunted bravo tbe fciritio's rage ? Or note unmoved hisrnontiion m tbe Critic's pege? Parado his error m tbe public eyo ? A_hd Mother Grundy's rage defy i "Hush Money'- is what papa. calls it when, parting up for soothing powders. * * * It may he better to mark time than to stand still, but it is a great sin to do either when battle or work awaits us. _> * .'..*• The Yank cannot be beaten. A lecturer on "Are Men Honest,'' at Boston, had , his watch stolen. His j opinion now is very decided. * * * . ■• The original milliner- was a - man, and Was so called from the city of his business., Milan, where he design- ' ed, made, and sold female finery. * • * • ! _ "The statesman strives to be exact, His zeal, he 'Jl ne'er restrain it. It takes i a day to state a fact, And thirty to explain it." * * o The term "bosh," which became common m England about the time of the Crimean War, is simply the Turkish word for nothing. ' Anyhow, how does that fit m with a "boshta'" thing. * * « The people of Iceland . are so honest that there are neither prisons nor police m the country. It is, said .j that there have been only two thefts .m 1000 years. In Wellington the thefts are 2000 m one year. ** . " An orchid that takes a drink whenever it feels thirsty, by letting down a tube into the water, is a botanical curiosity which grows m South Africa. .The tube, when not m use, is coiled up on top of the plant. •* V * A few months ago they succeeded ,m weighing the" soul ; now someone is goings to photograph it. Soon we shall be as well acquainted with its intimate habits as with those of a successful novelist, Some wi,ll find they ifoavenlt d. soul worth photographing. ' - i ' ' ' ' * * * Tourists at/ Rotter-ua are growling ! loud and long because the Maori is monopolising the tennis courts and won't give the white a show- The white is a howling cuss at anytime, •and if he was a sport he?d play the brown-skinned man and probably he beaten. Anyhow, blast tennis,' who cares about it. ; They are getting on. with (those motor car horns. .Some Christchurch fiend is now publicly flaunting an a.wful affair.; It seems to shriek underneath the car as if somebody ; was being run . over, and bystanders •naturally think that someone is be- ■ ing killed, mutilated, or something. !The sound is a cross between that of a lost soul ''in Sheol and the lamentation"of a Jew who, has lost fifty, 'quid :at a race meeting. '_*»' ;..:• ._■'•* • • This .is a Christchurch societyitem. Pat. Annie has gone and got married. The lady has figured as* one of the demi-monde for a. long time past ; and m that capacity she. has come under the attention ofthe police and other persons who take a prof ound ■ interest m the female form divine. As her name indicates, the lady isn't sylph-like or picturesque, but at all events she is of ample dimensions and can put away a good meal. The marriage crowd consisted of the principal parties and a witness. Annie married a wool-classer, who is making good money just now. The honeymoon, lasted one consecutive day, as the groom had to get a<way to graft. I * • » Last week the weather so badly .affected the brain of a young man m P. Hayman and Co.'s that tlie Wellington merchants gave him the bag. He shifted to a whare across the harbor, much to the alarm of the summering occupants, and talks to the neighbors m the language of the demented. He is going to London shortly, and will accept commissions for Japan. His objective is thc establishment of an immense providore business m the Empire City, which will be run on. strictly bedlam lines. The mentally-diseased person is harmn less at present, but the seasiders carry a hammer or some such hefty implement to bunk with them while the uninvited guest is on the premises.

The oldest trick on earth— the three card trick. * ■_...#.• ■■ ■ A faint team of cricketers can never "mike a fine recovery. « » * "As soon as a ohap gets a job and is making bread and butter he wants a slice of cake as welL * * • Maoriland is importing good domestics from the Old. Dart, and is sending, its slim-waisted girls away as . .missionaries to the . heatehen . There's many a woman who would not deign to be seen carrying a parcol, in-, the street when she's young who carries home the supper • beer when she's old. , , * * .at A recently-deceased* pai'son of Melbourne was once threatened iri Fiji with being m!ade the epicurean object .of" a cannibalistic repast; In. that event 'he would certainly have been a finished scholar. . . . ' Curious how old women who send old. clothes to Charitable Institutions like to see their .donations acknowledged m. the newspapers— their old dresses, their old. petticoats and their old etcetras. .... * * . . • Down at Geraldine a^ fafcni laborer told the Conciliation Board that a chap wi-fch vfh&m he_ had slaved didn't know one end of a plough from the other. Rough r. The 'two men have not 'met yet, but when,' they do * » ■ . ■ It; was while Braund! was making, a monster hityinthe second, test match; that an. onlooker observed, "Cripes ! how he. can tap 'em !'.'. And the ball was still' rolling, as a collarless coon aearrby chirruped, "Yes ; under the table !" . . . . . * _■,-.. • Christchurch is starting to be progressive, hut m. such a small way as just to need mentioning, and nothing more. Underground conveniences are being erected m three parts of the city for males and females, and each' will be m charge of male and female attendants . v But the greedy Council is thinking of making a charge for their use. Next,~please fi *' * * A number of "sassiety" women m America have been trying the silenco cure. The treatment is siniple, and •consists merely of keeping the mouth closed. The women think they have benefited by the cure, but the members of their families are certain that i*, has been of great benefit to themselves. The experiment is not likely to be tried m Wellington, New Zealand women are not built o.n the sii-' 'ent principle. Auckland's beak is Mr Kettle, and a Melbourne poet sends the following across the Tasman :— New Zealand boys who'd make a noise Must all be lads of mettle !— \ ' Who'd dare into hot water get, When roundabout's the Kettle ! What, too, of drunks, as each one skunks, . . • They too, m;ust. be m fettle. Egad ! it's rot to go to pot,' When you must go tp Kettle. When, giving evidence m the farm laborer's dispute at Geraldine one 'individual, who . is a musterer, and a pretty good .musterer at that, said the toil was far from easy. It was dangerous work—^more dangerous thani tramping • round the streets of Christchurch when the trams were running. The gentleman forgot to mention the bikes, and the motor cars, and the eternal painted Jezebel who haunts the streets at night. Hq put the trams down as being the most dangerous. *» - » Maoriland journalists, or the great majority of them, seem to be quite devoid of originality. They fill their papers with reprint articles stolen from other papers, which rags have Stolen them from other papers who have paid for them. Yet there are plenty of able men with able pens m the Dominion who could fill up space for cash.. The latest awful production to adopt the thieving practise is the Journal of the Department of Labor. It is jipw leaving out decisions of the Arbitration and Conciliation Courts, and is inserting prigged stuff from foreign magazines; The "War Cry" is barred, or if it isn't it should be. Why doesn't Joe Ward appoint a journalist to run that precious journal ? * j . * There are a large number of people connected with the Christchurch City Council works, and outside, who want to know who m the name of all that is just and right appointed a chap named King as second-in-command — second overseer— and who bosses the large number of men who ' are engaged m looking after the streets and other services belonging { to the borough. King is a Sal- ' vationist, and according to an em--1 ployee who has been m the service ;of the Council for a great many years, and from others who are j equally practical men this King ' knows as much about roads and road repairing— well, »as it was expressed to the writer, he knows as much abo'-t <•■ • business as he does about a pig trough..

•Horse-racing j The sport. of Kings —and other disreputable people. m.. « ■ A thousand London motor 'busmen have come out on strike. They, are toot-booting for higher wages. * * • '• They experienced a white frost at Hunterville on Saturday last. The rest of New Zealand perspired freely m the excessive heat. » « » Let patriots sing of Erin's isle v And praise its sacred soil, But most of., us find "I'll More commonly. is "Oi'll."' " ** . « During a drinking bout at Parkes, N.S.W., an old man fell into two feet of water; and was drowned. Yet Shakespeare says : "Honest water! Too weak to be a sinner !" « •*< * Whatever the .male attitude forwards work may be— and nobody ever yet met a man who did not loathe, his profession— there certainly neverwas a woman yet who preferred labor to amusement. * * * A millionaire coal mine owner m New York has been robbed of a moustache comb for which he paid over £200. How muny white slaves toiled and moiled and died to enable him to purchase this gee-gaw ? * . *» • The proverb about shutting the stable door after the horse is stolen has been reversed m a Victorian township, where two colts grazing m a paddock strolled into an old hut. , Tlie door slammed, and they perished of hunger before they were discovered... * * • King Gustave V. of Sweden has declined to be crowned, considering a coronation an "unnecessary ceremony." Of course it is, but on a similar assumption, there is no necessity for tlie existence of G-ustave as a figurehead. While he's on the job be might as well go the whole hog. * » • "Bounder?' Booth has been guilty Of a great truth at last. He says, "The people are turning off religion. Church-going as a custom, is dying out." Yes, soon all the bible-bound-ers will be sent to '.the right about and a real religion Adopted. * * ' • A religious paper seriously records as a specimen of the moving effects of pulpit oratory that a parson so viv^ idly recounted the story of the Flood that an old lady seated m the centre pew of the church pu\ up lier umbrella. Next ! You can't beat a wowserly journal as a cnampion liar. * * • The cursed gambling spirit again. Whilst a' policeman was circling round a Sydney bon-fire on' New Year's eve a hoodlum bet his pal a bob he wasn't game to push him m, The ass won the bob, He also won a night's lodging m the jug and other penalties which he richly deserved. « » • JCurious, with the improvements m motor cars, that the record of 127%, miles m an hour, put up on the Florida, track, just two years ago, ' has never yet been broken. Probably it is out of fear that something else beside the record (necks for instance) might get ■ broken, that influences motormen to resist try ins to go one better. v* * • English cricketer Braund, because of the notoriety earned for him. m the. smelllul Smelbourne Wallace Divorce suit, is now considered fair "game" for being barracked as to lunches and suppers— Braund, all those boarding-house bad jokes '.'■'' He "blesses" and he '"dashes"— At each one now his fun he pokes, lAnd* cries— What price "them !(fc)ashes ?" _> * • The habit of Socialists and Salvation howlers who declaim at the cor-' ■.ter of Dixon-street, Wellington, on Saturday evenings, is apt to cause a disturbance occasionally. Shattered particles of the broken peace hovered around Francis McCann at 11 o'clock on Saturday night when Peeler McGregor came on the scene and arrested him. McCann was dealing it out to another individual,, whom the constable also nabbed, but the crowd .surged m like a southerly breaker at the Heads and the second pugilist «vas torn from the detaining hand of the copper. McCann offered a singular and ingenious explanation to Riddell, S.M., on Monday morning. The persuasive accents of a Socialist were enthralling a large crowd at the corner of Dixon-street, when McCann pushed into the assemblage. Then an inconsiderate person wrote on the back of his black coat, with a pieco of chalk, "Aren't you a Socialist?" McCann took off his coat to remove this obnoxious query, and tho booby rushed up and arrested him, under the mistaken impression that he was j fighting. The policeman swore that McCann had his coat on when arrestj ed, and Magistrate Riddell believed the force. Tho pugnacious person was asked to pay a sovereign into thc Government exchequer or retire from public view for the space of a fweek A

Dyspepsia causes baldness.. . ■ m » ■'■•-' •A' woman covers seven miles a day. m the execution of her household duties. Her tongue covers twenty-five miles. ■** ■ • The Westport Labor Union has passed a resolution characterising ] the slanderers of Keir" Hardie as persons of depraved mSnd. ■ I ** * # i The winning milk-cart horse at the Nuhaka Show was called "Chalk." Nuhaka is m Jimmy Carroll's electorate and the milk suppliers to the lqcal factory are Maoris. * * « Tuapeka is how m the throes of a; hp-license campaign, and the "Alexan l dra, Herald" is feeling it its remarks when it observes :— "Pity these campaigners did not visit Central Otago during the past two weeks when the excessive heat was intolerable. Ini stead of reforming people they should have undergone reformation themselves." *• » * When Will Drysdale married Annie Ellis at Wyndham they received some sensible presents. Some ofthe most conspicuous were pillows, blankets, a night-dress set, twelve cheques and two yearling heifers.- When the small section of "Truth" that isn't married falls into ' that happy state, 12 cheques will be acceptable and ' two yearling heifers won't be sneezed at. * V * "Millar, Minister for Labor, is going to inqruire into the shortage of boys and girls m the large centres for industrial pursuits. Let him bring m a Fair Rent Bill and cut / down the exorbitant 3u_m charged for insanitary shells Shy rapacious landlords, then the average toiler will think seriously about bringing, a family into the world to wors m the factories. *■ . * * One of the lawyers m the Druce perjury case tried to make out that the whiskers on the corpse had grown there during its ..residence-uh- • tlerground. Had the doctor not exploded suoh a theory it would have been a dreadful thing to contemplate. Just fancy a clean-shaven dandy "snujfijn' out" to wake up at the last great trump with a beard like .father Christmas » * . + * A liat named John Gibbon went to Auckland from the back-blocks a .week or two ago, got on an almighty bend, did m his cheque, then stole a penny roll from a restaurant to avoid starvation. -'Who got, the bene-: fit of your £90 ?" asked Magistrate Kettle. "Oh, I don't know," replied Gibbon, with a fatuous., grin. "I gave a few fivers to chaps who were hard up, you know." FineoV, ss .and a prohibition order to issue. *_tt?s a crime to trust a fellow like that with money. . ■ .'• . * * « , The Port Chalmers Navals were m camp recently, and Dunedin "Daily Times" expresses astonishment that -■ the offipers should have to put up with leaky tents just like the common men. The paper mentions with horror that : one hossifer had to sacrifice his pyjamas to stop leaks mi the canvas 'roof. "This," remarks the- pious publication, with firmness, i, "is not the. way to encourage men tolearn to serve their country." Our. miserable contemporary wants soldiers of the ' feather-bed variety. " ' * » •* The name of Charles Enticott is always on the list of Wellington ma'lital misery cases, oris about to be: oh it, or has just been there, but the long-winded Charlie invariably dodges a hearing by paying at the last moment the amount of arrears due fco his grass widow, Eliza Christina. Enticott puts his unappreciated, spouse to the utmost trouble to getthe cash due to her. On Monday he -•paid £4 10s into Court, but "fell m" on this. occasion, for solicitor Jackson complained about the extreme unreadiness of the man to part nip the coin ; and as tho payment into Court amounted to an admission of disobedience, Riddell, S.M., fined the .smart Enticott 20s, m default seven days m the "nick." He will probably fall over himself m future m. an endeavor to ''meet the provisions of Che order. « • * A recent fight at Karangahake, the gold-bearing gorge of the north, had an interesting- first chapter. George Edward McGee used to batter reefs at Broken Hill, N.S.W., for a living When he fell m love with the missus of Henry Bambrick, and the guilty pair decided to fly to Ward's Own Country and be happy ever after. Bambrick also came this way, and got a job amongst the gold at K'nr-: angahake. One day he was astounded to see McGee sitting on a doorstep,, and, stopping with a sudden recollection, remarked, "I'll give you a receipt now for what you've done." The evidence didn't disclose the top-dog m the subsequent combat, and the absence of information about the strife led to the dismissal of the assault charge preferred by McGee. It is presumed Mrs Bambrick was an interested spectator. !