A TRIP TO HELL.

NZ Truth, 4 January 1908, Page 8

A TRIP TO HELL.

A RED-HAIRED SOCIALIST BLAZES THE TRACK. Fanciful Fitzgerald's Fantastic Freak. % Saving Contest on the River Styx, j Harry Fitzgerald, the Wellington red-headed Socialist, took a trip, to hell on Sunday night, or, rather, ho described m His Majesty's Theatre his visionary experiences m a warm locality euphemistically known as Hades, which is merely hell m disguise. When .Fitz's disembodied spirit left its earthly tenement, it soared to the pearly gates of Paradise — when it had found a crack m the typical workman's cottage through which to glide,. The eloquent Socialist, who had heard of the rubies, emeralds, pearls, diamonds, and other precious stones around heaven, was badly disappointed with ■ the appearance of the gems, which would be refused as worthless by a third-rate pawnbroker. His interview with Peter was interesting and hostile m the, early stages, when ■ Fitzgerald adroitly brought the conversation round to ..fishing. Then the elderly door-keeper unbent and told of a 2601 b trout Which he had landed from the river Jordon, after "playing" it for a century or two. Peter, who was human, -indignantly denied the allegation that he had failed to walk the water. F-itz owed Ms bad reception to a? wireless message sent upwards by the Rev. J. J l . South, who put m a bad word for the recently-depar-ted firebrand. Despite this, however, ire had a chance of ercterjSg the regions of the Blessed, had he not the name of Karl Marx, at the sound of which awesome moniker Peter uttered a piercing yell and disappeared. The new arrival surmised that the socialistic writer had attempted to raise A REVOLUTION IN PARADISE, and he merely waited to inquire from • an assistant gatekeeper the way to Sheol before be took a headlong plunge into perdition. In Hades he received an agreeable surprise. Hades is a magnificent pit of many beautiful cities, improved means of transit, and fruitful farm lands. The inhabitants are a fine, healthy lot, who livo m socialistic amity one with the other, m peace and happiness, arid the misery and degradation of capitalism are unknown. The ;has reached its most ' superlative decree of perfection m Hades, where 'the laborer receives the full fruits of his toil, and daily appearing inventions are reducing the period of actual graft to a toinimum 1 . The river Styx is there, but tho. much-advertised stygian darkness is absent, and there is no sulphur and brimstone m the atmosphere. Fitegerald's fondest- illusions were shattered, but he was pleased to find Charon, son of Erebus and Nox, whose duty it is to ferry the departed dead across the stream. Even Charon .'doesn't exist, but was impersonated by a deceased boatman m deference to the prejudices of people from the Earth, In like manner Cerberus, the thxee-headed dog-, WfljS created by the inhabitants of Hades from a mixture of bovril and radium to perpetuate the old myth. Fitzgerald patted Certterus on his middle head, and the dog didn't growl. Fitz classed biblical lore with heathen mythology, and made mention of a competition between Noah and Charon, which happened to be m progress when the Wellington Socialist arrived- It was m the form of : A SAILING CONTEST ON THE .- STYX, to settle a dispute as to which of the two had been the most expert navigator m his youth. The prize was merely the honor of the thing, but there was a side 'bet of several hundredweight of brimstone and a few cartloads of cloven hoofs, which were not so common m Hades as people on Earth were given to believe. It was explained to Fitz that the brimstone was valued a,t that particular period "because •Ai was the springtime of the year, and it. was administered to the children of Hades m medicinal quantities. The cloven hoofs were prized because, when, boiled down, they made excellent glue. In Hades betting is discouraged by the fact that individuals gain, nothing, and any advantage goes to the community. If Noah lojst he wonukl have to move the cloven hoofs and the brimstone to the spot where- they were required, and he lost his spare time .; if Char, on won lie. would be grieved at having, made Noah lose his leisure, and the' community would have the benefit of; the wager. This method of treating the gambling mania was suggested to. the Legislature of New Zealand. It appears that Charon taunted Noah with the fact that he couldn't foe much of a navigator because he had wrecked his first • command on the top of Mount Ararat. Whereat, Noah replied, with spirit, ■that any fool could steer a boat on the open ocean, jbut it took a damned smart man to navigate the craft to the top of a - mountain;- Unfortunately, Fitzgerald awoke before the dispute was decided. One of the most respected individuals m Hell is the Devil, the first!" heavenly revolutionist, , who T SHOOK HANDS VERY CORDIALLY WITH FITZGERALD, .and explained , the advantages of ' a ■beneficent rule m Hades. "Rule" is not the word, for there is po government, but merely fifty -persons, picked periodically, who? f J' duty it is to direot the processes : bf production and distribution to-'Obviate the accident of over-production. The land abounds with milk and honey and other things, and m the unusual climate of Hades, almost any kind of fruit can be grown. There is no person who accumulates wealth and claims that such acquisition of goods and ' property is due to his superior brains. The most brainy man is helpless, bereft of the use o! bis llnifos. "What do you do with the capitalists?" asked the mystified Socialist. "Oh, we sen d< them up above ?" remarked Nick, and the crowd, laughed. After all, as the song says, " 'twas but a dre.i.m," and Fitzgerald, whose fiery mop of head thatch must have, enho'^nd Jus temperature while m Shco.l, kindly returned to this tempestuous planet to relate bis eSfP«iences»