THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 132, 28 December 1907, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Wlioiiih^nndatmtedibrava J^He" O'nfcic's rage? Orn'6te\iiiMbVeaji)^Wientionintli^t!ri!iic'spage? Parade his;er^brlii^tlib,piiblip:ay£rr ' And Mother Grandy'B rage defy? 'A : ' Prosperous New Year !'. . , * •-■ * * A drawing-room—the dentist's.- '•'■ *•..•', • A wicked deceivet-^the milkman. A Christmas box—the theatre. * „■•'. ■ '■ * Always on strike—iihe cricket feat. . "What to kill germs: with-»-a microbe bar. Any-mated - picture show— Divorce Court. /: ■'■..-• * -> *. * . ■ The most taking cricketer— the wicket-keeper. •■.'•■■■ . • * Where Charity, is present Justice must be absent. > • » • * Xmas cheer, - after all, is only beer, and plenty of it,. * . '.--,*. ■ ■ * Blessed arc the poor m heart— but cursed are the poor m pocket. The 0~0 who doesn't sit behind "the gilt" is really the wrath's-cihil'd. *-' * • ' "V/hat Arc the. Wild. Waves Saying ?" Beer, Beer, Glorious Beer ! It is better to have "luffed" and lest than never to have' sailed at all. • ■ ■-/? " Rabies has made itsappearance m India. Well, put it down, to Kcir Hardie ! r ■** • . They roy^t woman can't keep a secret. Wasn't it Adam told the tale of the apple ? . . • ■■ ■'.■••■ ■ • . • It is nobler to give than to re-ceive-^in theory. 1 But h6w many practise it ? • » • The man who mounts a buck-jump-er at his leisure is apt to dismount m. haste ! .« - * ... * A man who is frequently three sheets m the wind is not necessarily a sailing man ! •' * * Morality is a virtue the rich desire tthc poor to have without possessing it themselves. ' ■••'. j • ■• .** ■ The world is full of as the cabby senteritiously observed .when the traffic constable pulled him up. , '5 Critic" washes eyeryirady the compliments of the season. They're cfieap, s>j that's why they're given away.^ •''.'.'• . ;" .■•"'•■''*'■ ■ ■ • Harry de Windt, <bhe .well-known explorer, has -returned?, to London from the Ai-cjfcdc Ocean. j)e Windt was too stroiig, perhaps. ■■■: V- . * '"'■•-•.•..' .•■',■ ■ . / ,- •• Wllen the spendthrift finfds himself sinking he never yells out for a lifeline. . He simply . whimpers Uncle Ikey Mo for a ? floater ! ' ■ ■■ '■ They are beginning to call flyiris ships • 'aerial j, It would be nearer th* mark to christen them sky-torriers ! • '• •' ' If we only had as i companions m society those of W'hoiri we Wye iiever spoken ill, we should he hermits m a crowd. ' ■-■■-, *!■'■■ ' •'■•.'■ ' •' ■ ' "'• • The,. Northern . Territory accounts for the year aite over £200,000 short. .No. winder South Australia wants to present "ou* open gate" to the Com--nionwealth. ■■ '•" •' ."■ •*' .. ■ ♦ • , • ' Sunday arauseiiaeifts have ibeett made illegal m the $tate of New York: TJh'is : m-ere.ly, nieans that young New 'Yorkers will now sperid, more of the fleeting S.aftjbath hours ill qjiiet corn:ers with their best girls, • '. .'■».. . ; • Theodore Roosevelt refuses to . be ndtainated agiain for the Presidency . Wise nxan. N<? assassin'^ bullet has breea ■aim6d,' at him so far, but it does not do to tempt fate too long. ♦ .■■■."•- ■ ■ ■ • • Who is the. Salvarmy hypocrite at Raagiora #ho gav,e in£oi?mation. agafnst an alleged Swanky §teater and who is alleged to sneaK into the Oust Hotel, and take Uis own drop /whenever lie fedte that way ? A valuable Masterton cow died^ a victim to its own thirsty dissipation one day last week. The animal broke into a neighbor's dairy, and went ion What might be termed "a lacteal tangle." After getting outside of 18 gallons of milk, the cow calmly walked outside, and after one lons Jook at the hearens, fell down and died. There was nothing -wrong with the milk, and it is a general opinion that the cow died of "too much of a good thing." There are. a lot of thirsty cows m Wellington^ who oucht to beware of this 4

What accent 'has a drunken man ? * •* • •Man's, inhumanity to woman, makes" countless females mourn. ■" * * .'""..'* _ A "another's- help" doesn't neoes.sarily mean her 'husband. \ * * • The new cattle driving industry is producing an expert crowd of stockmen m Ireland. * ♦ * The one person w_e cannot stand "putting on dog" m front of us is the waiter m the restaurant. •* * " Brewers and publicans curse the I first week of the Neyr Year. Everybody swears ofi and think they mean it. : ft ■■ • .. . • Maoriland defence force is nothing less than a huge joke, yet. the Cabinet cracks.it up whenever the farce is mentioned. . --*\ * * The lawyers haye started on their long vacation.- The clients of prosecutors '.and defenders are having their. long vacation also. * • . . • Why have farmers always such, poor mouths financially? One would think that they had had their teeth drawn by city people. -„'*..',* • Though a fasting craze is on at Wanganui, thirsts are satisfied with greater enthusiasm, than ever. " The proposal to keep on thirsting had cold water thrown on it. *■♦ . ' * The New Year will of course, have a crop of repentances,, but like "Critic's" spuds those repentances will be very small because they are not watered. Most repenters should take more rain m their whisky, anyhow. According to Maori authority, A. L. D. Fraaw, t-he words' "Ra" and "•tapu" are spoken m Samoa, Tahiti, among the Ihcas of the East Indies, and m -the laftd of the Phar?.oks. Our brown aboriginal brother seenis to have a very aristocratic oriein. \ It isn't often that father gets any credit m a birth notice, out here's one from "Hunterville Express" :— BIRTH. MAIR.— At "Wharekura," Huntervillo, on the l?th inst., to Mr and Mrs S, A. R. Mair, a son. "Truth" has seen the name somewhere before, and believes that Sidney Arthur Robert Mair is-a surveyor, who does unexpected things like that. * * » In order to save the life o* li* s sls Iter (Mrs P. H. Welch'), Mr John S. Obok, a well-known Chicago millionaire, and pre^i'dent of the Cook Brewing Company, submitted td ah operation whereby five pints of blood were transferred from an artery m his wrist into Mrs Welch's arm. Mrs Welch, who was at the point ofdeath, rallied immediately^ and recovered, while Mr Cook suffered no ■further ill effects than a slight faintmess for several days after the dpera-. tion. .'"..• • •- -f . SOME SIMILIES. As stiff as a cratch^-as full as a tick r As soft as new ib,utter—as hard 'as- a brick. ... . As drutik as an owl— a^ gay as ■■-' lark. :■ ■ ■ •'■ . As dry as a bone— as swift as a • siiark, - . As lotig as a fiddle— as hard as a ■""nail, ■ - ■ •"■ .-•■•.■• As sweet? as a nut— a^ «'bite as a sail, As dark as. tbe night-«as fair as the day, ' As sad as: a coot—as cool as the ; spray, c As ;comnion. as dirt— as scarce as, biright pelf, If you want any more you can write . 'em yourself . -; ■ : :.■ * : " • ■■•• • ■■■* .■ ■ - A Whangarei Rirl named Olitiai Kieholson;.was( walking with heir pal, Lizzie Billings,, the other evening when they met Frank Peters and Us mate. Lizzie yelled, "oood night!'* m a fit of recklessness, and the horrified Olivia exclaimed,- "Don't speak to those low wretches." Peters returned, and, using unpleasant language, caught Olivia by the arm, arid shook fcer, while Olivia dashed a bag of lollies into (kis face. On a previous night Peters had told her she would bts a nice girl for him to "run," and •he'tiad followed her about, but she rejected his evil advances with scorn, because she knew he wasn't respectable. Olivia men^ tioned these matters to Dyer, S.M., •when Peters was okaTged triiih assaulting her, and Dyer remarked that m his opinion Peters was a; thorough £oing blackguard. The yoiing man threatened to ''give the girl aWa?" if the matfter came into Court, but he didn't say anything more awful than that Olivia had used bad language, arid Ivatt provoked ■& severe ! shaking; by throwing the lollies ia. | His face. TWfe indignant Df£r said | that Peters was a regular cur, and j ,he didn't believe th»e girl had accompanied the man after the assault, ! .as stat&d by accused, who was fined £4 and '27s costs, or a month at the 1 ouarrieSt '

The roll number of the Qhakune AntirAsiaiic League has 'reached 100, and as canvassers have been appointed it is . an^xcipjiteii, .that -.the ; mem-' bership wall reach 50Q after the holidays. Where they labor hard with their hands there the yellow horror is detested. « * • The Waihi paper ingenuousfy remarks that the local band won't play the "waits" this 'Xmas as the bandsmen are apt to get knocked out with too- much cake and singer beer. Ginger beer ! At Waihi, of all places m the world ! Take the singer out ' and we arrive at the real beverage. ■ * • . m ■ , . -•At the inquest 911 a Hotitika mail named Scopinish, found dead with his 'head m a basin or water, the medical testimony was to the effect that death was due to heart failure and not to drowning, ( which upset a number of theories. The betting should have been 100 to 1 on yratery suffocation. -j| / ' A novel -feature of! a series of Irish industrial exhibitions to be held . throughout th© United States next year will be a miniature map of Ireland composed of grass sods taken from the different counties. Each/ County Council has been asked to forward a cask of sods taken from the most historic centre m the coun-, ty. * • • A. New Plymouth individual the other evening left his bicycle near the Post Office. • Next afternoon he remembered the fact, and went post haste to where he had left it, and found it still there. A local paper wants to know now if New Plymouth is an honest community,' "Critic" says Yes. Too blanky honest to get on" m this world. • % » • • Whilst searching among old papers m an attic, Mrs M. K. Covington of Hunterville (U.S.A.), discovered what purports to the last will and ' testament of John Bunyan, author' of ."Pilgrim's Progress." The document is of parchment, yellow with age, and. is dated' December 23rd, 1685. Mrs Covington 's ancestors came from England. Some children are utterly broken down physically and mentally by over education ; others havfe no education at .all.. Of the twain, the former are more to. be pitied. The uneducated can .afterwards educate themselves ; but children who have the spirits and vitality of their youth dragooned out of. them by martinet teachers can .never repair the damage that has been done to >their bodies and minds by . overrtasking. • * * A . New South Wales judge has ruled that a dentist or surgeon as not Jbound to exercise the highest skill and care m the- ■ practice of his profession. Wha-t a merry time the butchers of the- human carcase will have m Syd-ney-now ! The dentists may gleefully smash -jaws, singing Christmas car-ols-meanwhile, and the surgeons may rip up even the soundest • with impun-. ity.- They iriight begin by opening .the "judge's head to see if his brains are softening. ■ _•■• • • • ......,• - ■;..■■ Some individuals have strange no-' titfns of what constitutes • fidelity to a firm. Oneohap during- the presen|"wee^ asked a friend into a Wellington pub to have a drink and found himself,; as he says, short. Then he produced the firm's business card and reckoned the firm would stand Sam. Artd as the chap is the said firm's accountant, and does ridiculqus, if not "ditty, things like this, they ought- to kick, him ■ out or tell him- to pay for his own beer. Some people do dirty things. to get the accursed stuff ! :> ■ ■ ■ * f ■'■>■• - A. Feilding paper tells of a man named- Bill Lyne, who lives on Ms sweet own m a whate near Ap-iti-and who of late has been causing anxiety to the neighbors because h$ refuses to leave his whare.- He is 82 years of age and is related to Bill Lyne, 'Australian Minister for Cusr toms* • What's wrong with the old 'un, anyhow ? The place is unfit for huV naian' haitfitation, and the neighhtors^ for' his own sake, ought to get him out ' and not he so anxious about hint. ■■•■» »-.* .. A' religious crank named J. Neil, wno holds forth at the Fountain iv the Scawtch city of Dunedin, has lately run up against the prejudices of young New Zealand, a portion of whom fired crackers gnd baby rockets under the feet of the godly but voluble person, and Neil offered 5s for the name of the perpetrator, and a young limb of Satan tried to collect the 'sum with a fictitious moniker. On the following night the same young person caught the religious maniac by the trousers, and the insulted orator asked I>hs youth his name. "Give me five bob, and I'll tell you," replied the "hopeful, and Neil offered to part] vp 1 the cash at the police station, and the,. young man proceeded thither to draw his reward, apcomipaniedby a largo; crowd who blocked i'the thoroug-hfare. The Sub-Inspector I very sensibly pointed out that the j street-preaching was the cause of the ! disturbance, and an infuriated Bib c- ! puncher is now writing to the Press domanfling an Englishman's freedom of speech and the right to make himI self a Ye'lins: nuisance*