THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 128, 30 November 1907, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage? Or note nnmovedhifl mention m the Critic's page? Parade his error m the public eye ? A.nd Mother Grundy's rage defy?

Tact is merely sublimated hypocrisy.

Wireless telegraphy is the forerunner of wireless politics. Perhaps!

Some people attribute the recent b,urglaries at Karori and Courtenay Place to the new Anti-Gambling Act. The (talent must do something ■ for . a living.

A letter by a foreign mail addressed "Timaru, Kanaborg, Thora Harrits,' fra Danmark," was safely delivered last week to "Mrs Harris, Buchanan's Paddock, Timaru."

According to a Washington expert, 25 pe"f cent, of diseases m America are caused by .tradesmen wrapping up provisions , m unclean newspapers. Another nasty, jab at the yellow press.

What is called an innovation, m the direction of Chinese laundrymen, has recently been introduced on the mail steamers of the North German Lloyd line. The Bulow, which arrived m Sydney/ the other day, now numbers among. ' her company five Chinamen, who do all the laundry work on board.

Some degree of astonishment was expressed m Wellington Supreme Court when the jury found the jockey Ted ■ Murt.agh, guilty on the. charge of maiming his alleged illegitimate child. The' common impression was that either Murtagh would be acquitted, or the jury would disagree, and there are many people who think that an innocent' man has been sent up for eighteen months.

Nelson discovered , with horror t'other day that it was mopping up 814,285 gallons of water per diem, or 101.78 gallons per inhabitant, which is probably, a record for any municipality m the world. The discovery has aroused considerable uneasiness amongst the inhabitants, who cannot account for the abnormal consumption. The prohibition people were jubilant until they realised that it requires water to make beer, and t the product of the local breweries is extremely popular.

Has a parson eve*r succeeded m getting on ; to a jury ? The name of a devil-dodger was called at Wellington on the case against a Maori boy of attempting to carnally know a maiden at Otaki, and the crowd held its collected breath as the black-coated kill-joy passed m to take 'his seat. He was just about to sit when counsel for the defence said "Ohallenege!" m a stentorian voice. The crowd, much relieved, exchanged significant glances and smiled openly, broadly and audibly. What is 1 there about a parson that should lead people to believe an accused person would not get justice at his hands ? ,

The stand-up fight between father and sons at Taylorville, \ Wanganui, referred to m these columns a few weeks ago, was the subject .jf Police Court proceedings at Wanganui the other day, when one of the "boys" was charged with a breach of the peace. The circumstances, as stated by the police, were that ' the son, while proceeding home, met his father, who was under the influence of liquor. An effort was made to get him home, but he became exceedingly tvbusiv'p, and a hard fignt ensued. Mr Mackav, for the son, pleaded great provocation, and hi Worship merely convicted the offender.,

Where Charity is present Justice must be absent*

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*•.'•■•

' It li^'Mrd. lex aMethodist juryman to find a jockey not guilty.

Start married life with a clean financial slate ; don't get married on the time-payment system..

According to English papers there is a probability, owing to the increased price of coal and barley, that the price of Scottish whisky will be raised.; Who cares ?. Fill 'em up again !

A Chrrstchurchian publicly apologised m the papers to ■■ano.tner man fox having him" arrested at RicCarton on suspicion of having robbed him. Well, there is a good deal- of robbery at Riccarton. Some people might give the tote m charge, but the police couldn't very well arrest it.

There is a Wellington Socialist who still believes m God, but despises the parsons. "When the Bap-, tist denomination gave me £40 » a year to go out and convert the niggers of Central Africa," he said recently, "I thought I was doing fight, but the niggers taught me the truth."

The "Tuapeka .Times" is stealing "Truth's" thunder. Referring to the Te Oranga reformatory scandal, it hearts the leading article : "Barbarous Barbering." Why not "Heartless Hairdressing," "Cruel Clipping," or "Shameful Scissoring,?" Any would do, and the -headings are supplied gratis. -

It is alleged that a well-known ,Wairarapa resident, who had been paving "a jolly good time" m his wn estimation, at a, country pub., left when a little mixed, -and, mounting his horse, rode away. He remembered nothing further until next morning, when he awolip and found that he had..spent the night, reclining against/.a tombstone, on a grave, m a cemetery ; but the horse, as an intelligent animal, probably wished to point a moral.

The Chow, the cheap, the docile, simple, law-abiding alien can buy and sell the European, and his cunning is what helps to make him the menace he is. A raid was made recently on somte Chinamen m Palmerston North, the said Chows being suspected of trafficking m opium. One arrested was noticed to be wearing two watches. Upon being searched one of these was found to be minus its works, and the space filled up with opium. The face of the watch, hands, etc., were m good order, and the "plant" was certainly a cute one.

Mr R. Acheson, S.M., when giving his decisiSn m connection with a West ■ Coast case m which a lad was charged with using provoking language to a Chinaman, said that he would put a stop to those countrymen being subjected, to all kinds of annoyance. The Chinamen, he knew, m Hokitika were inoffensive., and m the eyes of the law they should be treated like any other person. There were some persons, the Magistrate continued, who had an aversion to Chinese, but that was no reason why they should be ill-treated or molested m any way. Poor Acheson ! Why this sympathy with the Chow ? Has he the same regard for the worried white ?

Two Chinamen have again visited Ohakiine, and are on the look out for places of business. Several rumors are about town now, and one is that the aliens are about to . purchase a general store business here, and another rumor about the same "Ghinkies" is that< they are talcing the lease of a section m the main street. We will hear more definite news m a day or two. The Chinamen seem determined toi start m Ohakune. All we can state at present is that if they do start here we (the "Taihape News") 1 hope that the residents of the district will not deal with them. And "Truth" hopes they will ; m a way that the Chows won't forget m a hurry.

Fond and loving mother-inrlaw was m evidence at Christchurch t'other day, and she proved to be ono of those who spread froth and malice about m a ' promiscuous fashion. The old frump attended her daughter's wedding two years ago, and was photographed with tiio wedding group, assisted m buying the furniture for the young couple and all the rest of it. Yet the other day when her son-in-law sassed her something dreadful she resolved to be revenged. The old haybag went to the police, and stated that when her daughter married she was only 17, and that her husband had made a false declaration saying that she was 21. So he was arrested and had to stand l^s trial— and all this after a salence of two years. It was a case of pure spite, and a chip of real life. The sympathy of the court was with the husband, who was found not guilty right away, am 1 ! ma-in-law s promised years m quod fell to earth like a burst wr v Some moth-ers-in-law ought to ' Have their temper trained.

There, is a limit to those monsterliners—^the- Atlantic.

A good Christian should go out and commit a good luscious sin — —it would broaden his mind, — Socialist Fitzgerald.

Palmerston N. is m the grip of the Chow ; . at least the fruit trade is, and Paknerstonians are battling for p. White Fruitgrowers' Association. New Zealand is slowly awakening to the fact that the Mongol is an economic conundrujn that the white alone can solve.

The oft-attempted -#eat of swimming the English Channel was no doubt the cause, which inspired a cove named Jar dine to swim the Wairoa ;('H.B.) River the other day. Jardine succeeded m accomplishing his task and near! v succeeded m settling himself. Medical aid had to be summoned to pull him round.

What unutterably brutal fiends are those who seem to relish maiming cattle ? Opunake, or rather Te Kiri, has been the scene lately of a monster who has been gashing a liarmiess m-ooley cow about the neck. Once these varmints are caught they should be flayed alive. What manhood they possess wouldn't suffer from such a punishment.

From the Dunedin "Twinkler"

WANTED, under gardener ; must be able to groom and milk a horse. Apply before 9 or after 8V o'clock, P. C. Neill, Chingford, North-cast Valley.

What's up with the cow ; is her day of usefulness over ? Here is a chance for " Jim , ' the Milker . ' ' "The man who can milk and groom' a horse will certainly be a pioneer m a new . industry.

An old lady who recently died at Castlemaine (Vie.) bad the following clause m her will '—'.'ln the event of' my favorite dog living at the time of my decease I direct that he bp destroyed 'by poison and his body buried m the same coflwi as me." The dog died some months, before the lady." Was she buried m the dog's coffin ? 'Asiyhov.% could animal worship be carried to a more ludicrous length ? Probably she was an old maid who men fought shy of m life, and her only hope of comfort lay m a. dog.

What is up with the "Grey River Argus?" In a recent issue it remarked : "The G-reymouth Council is not so fortunately situated as Ben Tillett, who has a large army of dockers behind him •to provide him with an ample supply of funds and luxuries ad lib. Our corporation have to think of the potentous "national debt" that they are industriously and steadily adding to year by year." Fancy the dockers of Britain keep-ing a man m funds and luxuries. The "Ah Gus" is surely dotty or something.

One would infer from the frequentIv published reports df the doings of the Independent Order of Good Templars that the various lodges m Christchurch district possessed a large membership, and that the - community was literally honeycombed with members of these lemonade institutions. It now appears that, the total membership of the six lodges m the Chris-tchurch-Lytteleon district is only 341. By the way they gas and advertise themselves the public has been led to believe that they number thousands. There used to be seven lodges m the district, but one has retired from business.

The new divorce law enabled many heavy conventional dailies 'to dig up the remarks of various writers on marriage and divorce. "Dunedin Star" published a column of quotations, and finished without expressing an original idea of its own. Thackeray's condemnation of marriage for money was endorsed by publication of the extract : "Is there a bishop on the bench who has not amened the humbug and called a blessing on the kneeling pair of perjurers ?" Then we have from another writer : "In the right or wrong use of the sex relation we have the stone on which the nations may build, or which falling on them grinds them to powder." Another writer's sentiment raises the internal note of interrogation which Whistler immortalised m his picture of a woman :— "When we have countted up the number of the variant physical, mental, moral, aesthetic, and spiritual qualities to be found m a typical man or woman of the twentieth century it becomes evident that to make the two natures keep perfect time through ail the hours of 50 or 60 years is a business that folly or carelessness will assuredly make a mess of." The Scotchbytcrian paper, which is run by a Jew, is something of a humorist, for it publishes tlie reply of a Catholic Sunday School Nnupil to the question. "What is the Sacrament of Matrimony ?" "Plaze, your riverance," said the kid, "it's a state into which sowls enter to prepare them for another and a better world." Purgatory was never better explained,

_.., JL .; . Ctr-istOlittrcWiiidiviTiual whd r fi^s just got a stretch of two years for being an habitual drunkard has a brother m the finger-print department at Wellington.

When a lecherous Mongol debauches a woman of a white race, he sometimes pays the penalty for racial outrage. An unfortunate woman named Ellen Weston has been living with an undesirable heathen named Wang Sing at Wellington for the past two years, and the other day ,the horror of the whole thing drove her to drink, and she let herself loose. Returning to her unchaste abode, the temporarilyemancipated female expressed her long-hoarded contempt for the yellow, agony and broke three panes of glass m the habitation. Wang Sing responded by getting her run m, and he used the British law m the taming of his unmarried spouse. Magistrate Riddeil remarked next day that if the wpman had been living vsnth tbc Chow tor two years she had some claim on 'him, and he convicted and dicharged her. '

A peculiar feature of the evidence against William J. Lowe and J. C. Robinson, charged with assault' and robbery, at Peilding, from the person of a young man named Nofike was the testimony of an elderly and unbeautif ul female, who lives near the paddock wherein the outrage was committed. The woman admitted having had a liquor m Hook's hotel, where Robinson and Noffke also boosed with moderation, and when' she proceeded homeward she was followed by Robinson, who hugged a bottle of beer to his manly bosom. Lowe, who is a prohibited person, had already struck up an acquaintance with Nofflce and inveighed . him into the paddock aforesaid, where he proceeded ;to go through him for a small matter of £6 and a purse. Robinson proceeded to • get outside of the beer at the woman's place, but the righteous female indignantly denied that . she had guzzled any- _ portion" of the beverage, nor that' the criminals had remained m her domicile till 2 o'clock m the morning. According to her evidence, Robinson absorbed the swankey with difficulty as there were no candles m the house and he imbibed with the aid of tnany stricken matches. . Meantime the noise of the struggle outside between Lowe and Noffke was plainly distinguishable m the house, and occasioned no surprise. A verdict of guilty was returned by the jury, and leniency might have been extended by Judge Cooper were it not for the extraordinary coincidence that Lowe and Robinson had, two years previously, been sentenced to twelve : months' imprisonment for a joint offence of assault and robbery. Lowe and Robinson are getting into the habit of offending together, and his Honor put it beyond their power to do so for a period of three years, at least.

ARE WE GETTING TOO GOOD ? The Anti-Gambling Bill only awaits his Ex's, signature to become law. The light-hearted sinner m this country of God is broken, repentant and dead, For the Law m its might has awakened to fill the wayward transgressor with dread. The joss of the GOOD that has secretly toiled to quench the joylust of the young Has routed the hosts of the tote and the moll and felled the fat legions of bung. The freedom of pleasure and laughter is mortgaged to pay the first dues of the soul, And to gamble is worse than to • lap up the swanSey that mellows the pubbery bowl. The black-coated clerics have marshalled the women and charged us m battle array, And hurled to the devil the 'happy amusements that turned sombre feeling to gay. The jock, and the bookie are out of a job and the sealer is up against fate, And the struggle to dodge heavy toil has become more bitter than ever of late.

The bulk of the never-sweat billets are held by the sin-shifting, holy brigade, Who take up a weekly collection for heav'n and find themselves amply repaid. Thus the fielder and crook metallician are forced by a weak-minded wobbling law

To take on the sky-pilot business and- live by wagging a sanctified jaw ; So the multitude moans m the midst of its prayers and pays with a grace that is ill, Till the burden gets too damned oppressive, and then — to hell with the church and its Bill. This world is imule up of the good and the bad," and if sinners are taken away

The whole blasted fabric will topple adown like the spoil m a tip-tilted dray.

This world was created for joyance and laughter :\nd our land is getting too pood : And far m the distance are legions of pleasure to out the snufflesome brood..

Amen.