THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 127, 23 November 1907, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage ? Or note unmoved his mention in the Critic's page? Parade his error in the public eye ? And Mother Grundy's rage defy ?

A preferred creditor is one who doesn't trouble you.

Most people who claim to be contended are merely resigned. * * *

There is more than a peck of trouble in some pint bottles.

It matters not what you are thought to be, but what you are. — Publius Syrus. * * *

A man seldom realises what a cold world this is until his creditors begin to make it hot for him.

Falsehood is the art of cowards. Blind distrust, like blind confidence, is death to all great enterprises.

State paid doctors is the latest idea advanced by the Asburton branch of the Political Labor league. * * *

Those dreams in which we are never able to get anywhere or do anything are frequently realised in our waiting moments.

A large number of damsels may he seen boating on the Avon (Christchurch) these fine early mornings. Mother cooks the breakfast.

According to Prank- T, Moore, who used to be manager of the Meat Export Co., and ought to know, the monopolistic meat syndicate of New Zealand pouch a small matter of a million a year profit.

The champion absent-minded man has been unearthed in Wellington. T'other day, in a local restaurant, he and his wife were served with flounders, and as it was not cooked to his liking he threw it at her.

An exchange, commenting on the completion of the Main Trunk line, converts the title into the more high line." Anyhow, the Main Drunk line." Anyhow, the Main Drflnk Line is the name that will go down to history.

A one-legged cycle championship has been fixed by the Christchurch Cycling v Club for New Year's Day. Why not a one-armed event also ? It is to be hoped that in these limbless contests the competitors won't lose their heads.

It's a rascally shame that bakers should supply light, weight bread at, such a time; of stress, when everything is so high, and heads of families find it so hard to keep things going. Treble the usual fine, should be imposed in such cases.

Ching Fook was fined a dollar and costs at Taihape the other day for selling fruit on the Sabbath. Ching said he was "welly solly," and didn't know the Law. Here's a chance for Rev. Peter. Fairclough to Christianise the heathen— the heathen he and all the clerical crew love.

The British Statute Book is by no means free from bulls. To give two examples a clause in the Irish Bank Act of 1808 provided "that the profits shall be equally divided, and the residue go to the Governor" ; and an Act of 52 George II. (chapter 146) provides that the penalty imposed under it shall be given half to the King, and half to the poor of the parish. The penalty thus to be divided was 14 years' transportation !

The practice of certain individuals who appear on racecourses and other places on holiday occasions with banners bearing texts and quotations from Scripture cannot be said to be a good one, says the "Winton Record," nor one that would tend to further the cause which prompts them to appear at these places. Instead of having the beneficial effect desired, the Scripture is very often brought into' ridicule. Like the fanatics who post up texts m all manner of places, appropriate and inappropriate alike, their actions make religious matter the subject of coarse jest and desecration.

A vagabond sort of person named George White, a dilapidated wreck, with a hang-dog look, took up a position in Cathedral Square, Christchurb, the other day and proceeded to inaugurate an unusual sort of industry there — begging for alms. The passing public are used to contributing to blind people who grind out music all day as a means of livelihood, but the sight of a hulking brute of a cove holding out his hand for oof when he should be away at toil rather puzzled them. A policeman just grabbed the hand and made Weary White polka to the police station. His nibs admitted the charge, and the list of previous offences which were tendered by the police, wasn't the pleasantest of literature. It is only a few months since he emerged from chokey. He has got three more now.

Never eat butter with a fork. * * *

Lovers are not necessarily alike because they correspond. * * *

Not a case for the surgeon.— A man struck with an idea.

Spiritualists may tip the table, but the fellow who tips the waiter fares the best. ■ • '. '

Fire is a- good servant, but it Is apt to go out at- nights, just like the other servants.

No man is so ignorant, that he does not know what he v»<buld do '• if lie were' m your place.

It's a: gocid things for humanity that .babies can't say what they think when cutting teeth..

Even those who- think this world is a fleeting show want •to see as much of the performance as possible.

,"IJo you consider a chauffeur worth £20 a month ?" Well, the last one I had ran away with my wife, and you knew my wife, old man."

'A' disappointed punter got away with a bookie's bicycle at Christchurch t'other «day, aiul he will have to answer for his indiscretion at Court this week end.

• Another death under chloroform ; this time at Christcburcb, arid, as usual, all the doctors told the Coroners jury the same tale— it couldn't be helned. Would they be likely to say otherwise ?

If a lover gives his bride-to-be some furniture before they get spliced that's her furniture for all time, and he can't deprive her of it. Simon Richards did that, at Christchurch, and when he and his wife, Maria, separated owing to some cause or other he stuck to the few bits of sticks. A Magistrate, however, told him to hand them over, and buy chairs and table of his own.

A Sydenham joker named Hugh Clarke Barry, who is connected with the horse and trap industry, refused to have a prohibition order issued against him when charged with tipple at the Christchurch Police Court. He said he'd rather not. It was his third time, and if he had consented to an order he would have got off lightly. "Three pounds, or a week, then," snapped out the Bench like a quick-firing gun, and Barry's jaw fell to such, an extent that it almost disappeared behind his waistcoat.

* * * A singular incident occurred at the Socialists' meeting in Wellington on Sunday night. A speaker remarked with emphasis that the pulpit had done nothing for Socialism. Whereupon a pale-looking, curate-like person got up in the dress circle and remarked, that he was a new arrival from the old country where he had been, engaged in Socialist propaganda work. "I am not the only minister," he observed modestly, "who has resigned the pulpit for Socialism." (Terrific applause, and modest complacency of the pale person).

A person has written to the Petone rag in a state of convulsive indignation at,; the action of some hoodlums who twice upset a Chow's vegetable barrow in the main street of the- place which holds .five football championships. --If the barrow were / owned by a European we would hear tibthihg about .it,' and it is an awful comentary upon our boast as, a White race that there should be an individual who flies into a white heat if anything happens to a Chinaman. It passeth all understanding this depraved love for the social and moral leper who disseminates disease by selling vegetables manured with human excreta.

"Truth, 'V , three or four months ago, directed attention; to the ancient incurables who are drawing uneapned salaries m the Customs Department, and since then Parliament has discovered that boss expert Shannon has for nineteen years been mopping up 30s a day gravelling allowances from £ bleeding country without travelling /&. yard anywhere m particular. Members bring the? matter up on all possible occasions, and t'other ' day Hogg, of Master ton, mentioned that Shannon's cheque was £1,314 a year. : Northern Member- Poole directed attention to 'the fact that m addition to penalising the Dominion for travelling- long distances m his mind, Shannon: supplementing his income privately iwhile his underlings do 'his Custoros work. Shannon's explanation is that the Atkinson Government appointed him and gave him an allowance for stationary travelling on account of .the immense sums of money he had saved to the country by circumventing dishonest importers, but as remarked by "Truth" —which was first responsible for putting the searchlight on to the Customs^ staff— experts appointed nineteen years ago have- long outlived their usefulness and are, m fact, incapable because of their ignorance of modern cbnditions. A clean sweep of the patriarchs 'ln "the Customs Department would save this country a lot of money..

It is easier to forge a che(que than to forge a tote ticket.

"Women who diiie m white seem- to be. related to the tablecloth.

Cremation , here on earth may be merely a preliminary, to the hereafter.

The star of the evening turns into a moon, occasionally, . particularly when he is full. ■ . * * *

Kings and Queens may be despots occasionally, but the average servant of to-day requires a lot of beating. * * *

A man who had been drinking methylated spirits at Paeroa the. other; day threatened . to kill all arid 1 sundry but the police promptly took a- hand m the game, much to the relief of local residents. A man who takes on methylated spirits at anytime is likely to do more than threaten.

The parson of to-day apes- the showman. Churches are as near circuses as they possibly can be. Is : it any wonder when v/e note howthe sky-pilot caters for the nimble tray-bit. The titles for his sermons are like headings m the so-called yellow press. Here is one from Reefr ton, or thereabouts :— " Cleverly Caught by Ecclesiastical Detectives, or, Are you God's Policeman ?" The parson, anyhow, is always a near approach to a pimp.

Fiji, where trial by jury is yet to be established, is a, gloriously governed British colony. A statement made m the Legislature by the Hon. Mr Coubrough shows how Britain is ruling; the Fijian. This legislator said : "I would like to bring before your .Excellency tho peculiar position of Native Stipendiary Magistrates. A third-class constable gets more money than some Stipendiary Magistrates." What a S.M. 'gets m those parts wasn't stated. "Critic" wonders what' the- honorary Justices would rank as m. that delightful cltoe.

The queer goings-on of."' a young fellow named Thomas Hutchinson caused some amusement m High-street, Christchurch, t'other night/ He had had a drink or two in— probably at his own expense— but wasn't sosselled enough to be run m. However, he persistently took off his coat and challenged all and sundry to come the Bill Squires trick on him. As there were no takers he ■went further on and repeated the operation. With similar result. As he did this at intervals Constable Wright, who thought the peace might be broke, or a window or something, ran the joker m, and a fine of ; a quid next day didn't add to his peace of tnindj on recovering his senses.

Oorroboration being highly essential m affiliation .cases, that of Mar^ garet Alice Halliburton against Robr crt Melntosh, at Christchurch, had to. be adjourned ,foi a week to enable, a Mrs Curidon, sister of the defendant, to appear. Btit she didn't^ turn up. The lady, ha& nursed Babs, and her evidence would have been invaluable. As,, she had been subpoenaed the S.M. thought of issuing a warrant for her 'arrest, but Lawyer Vincent said he 'had received a letter from • fytclntosh- forwarding some 'money for baby's keep. It' is very unusual for a lawyer to enter the box to. prove his clients case, but that .was done .m this instance, and Mclntosh, who hangs out at Wyndham, was ordered to pay the usual seven, and a sprat and find a surety ,m £75. . In his letter to Mr Vincent the fond, father of Babs said he would be unable to find a surety. As most of these folk generally find security, that didn't weigh with the Court. . There is a blissful, alternative, anyhow. Mclntosh-ris a groom, and he can groom Cleary's poultry down every; morning if he goes to quod.

A very repentant Billy Butler leaned on the dock at the Christchurch Police Court t'other morning. Bill was one of the batch of bookies who went down to Lyttelton to bet with the warders for a spell. Before his case was heard, though, he got tipsy, and in the Court corridor he called racecourse 'Tec. Kraetzer unmusical words. They were the toughest expressions one man could possibly use towards another, so an information was laid, but the hearing didn't take place until after Butler had started gaol blanc mange and drinking gaol whisky. Mr Cassidy thought that as it all arose out of the one matter, and as the prisoner was doing two months, and as there was a lot of excitement that morning., the prosecutor might well withdraw the charge. Regret was expressed at the happening. After some hesitation this was done, but Mr Wright, who appeared for Kraetzer, said that the latter must have some protection against this sort of thing. He would like a guarantee against its recurrence. Mr Cassidy said he had a guarantee for a couple of months at all events. Eventually the charge was withdrawn, conditional on the costs being paid, and tlie oof was handed over. So 'Tom-mv- was luckily, saved from doing an extra "stretch."

A London' newspaper announces .a spilt m the suffragettes. ' ' ""

Thus the Taranaki "Daily News" J "A J.P. Touches for his character." —"Yes, but who's to vouch for the J.P. ?— Extract from the deliberations of a local body m the Taranaki district.

' Our . churches are full of women and oiir gaols are full of men," said the ' Rev. Mr Axelsen, 'm his lecture on 'social reform work at the Feilding Presbyterian Church recently. And the people are full of parsons, "Critic" begs to add.

•'•■- One of the. most remarkable freak newspapers ever printed was the ','Luininara," published m Madrid. It was", printed with ink containing phosphorous, so that the paper could be read m the dark. Why, a paper like that would be nearly as bright as "Truth."

. General Booth announces that there will shortly be realised the greatest colonisation scheme since the days of Moses. There is room m South Africa for all of Britain's unemployed, and he intends planting them there. • Moses didn't reach the Promised Land. Booth has. His "Promised Land" is locked up m the bank.

The Chow still continues to spy out the land at Ohakune, and it is not improbable that Wun Lung will want the washing of Ohakune' s dirty shirts, etc., or sell the rosy apple and cabbage. The Chow won't find Ohakune an earthly paradise though, as his mission of late has been much commented on, and threats of all sorts are flying round. This is the time to let Wun Lune know he is not wanted in the district, and Ohakune should strike the iron while it is hot, and likewise the Chow.

An old. woman m Napier is con-, tent to spend all the days of her life m gaol. She is a very old offender, and she is no sooner out of gaol on one charge than she is committed on another. The most recent offence is not a heinous one. She was illegally on the premises of the Trinity, Methodist Church, m Clive Square. She pleaded guilty to the charge, but said that she meant no •harm: The Magistrate sentenced, her to two months' imprisonment with hard labor. He said that if she wanted to live m gaol, it was evidently , the best place for her. It's a crime nowadays i& go into Church. That's why people keep away.

. The . "crawl" to Carnegie for an additional £500 for the library has been- unsuccessful, say the "foannevirke Press." Andrew considers that the £2000 already given should be enough for a building to suit such a town •«. as' Dannevirke. Further, he tells the Council that if they had found the money insufficient the plans should have been re-cast. This is unpleasant, • but • true. £2000 charity- was surely enough. The Council, however, is to make a further- prayer for crumbs- from the rich man's table. New Zealand Municipal •Councillors, since the crawl to Carnegie has become the craze, are beooming adepts m bellying themselves. They can't crawl low enough.

; Pt " is' "now some "considerable time syice Constable Rorty' Rowe, of New Brighton, near Christchurch, was mentioned m these columns, and the Observations then . passed were far from commendable. ''Critic" now wishes to award him a certificate of honorable mention. It is intended to erect a .billiard table at the Christchurch Police Barracks, and while the . arithmeticians of the crowd were studying ways and means, along conies .Rowe, the financier, with an .offer, to supply the table, he paying the... whole cost, /but he would require interest on his outlay.. It wouldh't be. Rowe if he didn't. He isn't quite a .millionaire yet is the youihful New. Brighton bobby, but he saves every cent, he . can, and is as mean as .they make 'em. He is trying to buy.. New Brighton, seemingly ; he may. be able to do it. m time, and then he'll endeavor to purchase the roar of the waves. . .

What's up with Pure Boy Bligh ? Isn't tbe game panning out too well? What has he done to the V.M.C.A. ? Says Bligh m a cadge m the col-' umns of a Dunedin paper : — "The Hon. George Powlds. Mr J. W. Aitken, M.H.R.. and Mr W. T. Williams, of Hawke's Bay, have combined to guarantee expenses m my tour. to. the extent of £150. The firs.t-na.med gentleman wrote to the board ...of the local . V.M.C.A. and asked ..them to arrange meetings .of young .men for me m Dunedin. When he. sent me the copy of his letter I was. pleased, because I knew that such an. endorsement would make the visit- a success ; but the board decided that, although fully m -sympathy with my work, it. cannot undertake, any responsibility of arranging meetings." Evidently 'the V.M.C.A., not .needing any advice from '.Bligh, intend to wash their hands of the piirist. It looks as if Bligh and the V.M.C.A. are not pulling together.