THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 122, 19 October 1907, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage ? Or notennmoved his mention m the Critic's page? Parade his error m the public eye ? And Mother Gr undy 's rage defy ?

An "elevating" hobby— ballooning !

A Taranaki paper describes Keir Hardie as "a dangerous tohunga." That settles Hardie. * * •

■A, hash-slinger at Sumner has chucked up the game. She has been left a sum of £5,000^ She can afford it.

There is nothing more annoying than the woman who comes m late to the theatre and stands significantly beside the man who has secured a good seat.

THE STRAIGHT TIP. The fastest and the surest way, That man can get to Hades Is through a course of "slowful" horse And jaunting with "fast" ladies !

A Chinese laundryman, who commenced business m Carterfcon a few months ago, has just shut up shop. He states that since opening he has lost £30. -What his customers lost is not stated. Still this shows the power of boycott.

Beautiful and free England • ; A lady factory inspector informed a House of Commons committee that she had herself seen six-year-old children at Nottingham engaged m making lace for which they were paid less than a halfpenny per yard/!

These scientists and bacteriologists try our faith somewhat. Dr. Bull, lecturing on the plague, states that over 100,000,000 plague germs had been found m a few drops of the blood of a rat which had died of tfi&ease., (that's a pretty tall count.

Woman, thy name is scandal \

The magnetic healer's touch is generally on the pocket.; I * • *

"Reading makes a full man,": says Bacon. "Critic" goes one better. "Whisky makes a man fuller." •

Women secretly admits the man with, the rorty reputation- Her friends say they hate him ; but it is only an envious hatred.

The individual credited as being a bad man finds it an extremely difficult task m this ultra virtuous age to live up to his reputation.

At Opunake, where, they tar and feather disturbers of domestic peace, photos are now on sale of recent "heroes " or prominent citizens, as the local paper calls them. Married men ought to purchase 'em, they might remind their wives to be careful.

Police Commissioner Dinnie says boys from the farm make the best policemen, as they don't know much. "Critic" believes' him, judging from some specimens of the boyish bobbies m Wellington streets just now. Most people are asking "if their mothers know they're out.

The spectacle of a parson tangled up m a bicycle and a small dog on an Otaki roadway has provided the latest sensation m that village. When you come to think of it, the spectacle of a parson m such an unedifying position is bound to cause talk and newspaper paragraphs.

He was the shining star m the vaudeville firmament. He was "it," his follow artists, m his opinion, were only "bummers." Chance had it that the star entered a local hotel, behind the bar counter of which was an imported Sydney bar belle. Her glimmers did not deceive her, she could not mistake those raven locks. "Ha ! ha !" q,uoth she, m hollow melodramatic tones, "so you've come to repay that eight pounds you owe me." It was a fallen star that shot out of that pubbery m record-break-ing time. The crudest part is that one of the alleged "bummers" was m. the "star's" company at the time.

It was a Wellington case m which the owner of a greyhound was sued for sheep worrying- damage. Athlet-ic-looking counsel remarked that the other side wouldn't give up possession of the dog. Dr. McArthur : "It must be a very valuable animal." Athletic counsel : "It is, sir ; it has won £40 m stakes and earned £20 m stud fees." Lean counsel : "My friend probably means, beef steaks." Dr. McArthur : "But this is a mutton worrying case." Athletic counsel remarked" that the dog had been starved while detained by the other side. "He came back as thin as a rail, sir. You could shave yourself with him." After all the case was adjourned.

A fourteen-year-old boy is said to have caused a whole heap of trouble m a little South Island freezing-works town. It appears that a lass ani her lover had loved a bit too ardently, but as the wedding day was fixed it didn't matter much, until this 14-year-old Don Juan came 1 along. The husband-to-be went to pay his respects to his lady love one day and found the aforesaid kid usurping his place, not only as lover, but as husband. The lover reckoned he'd leave her and the kid to it ; and he chucked up his job and made. tracks for the horizon and hasn't been seen since. The lady is now a mother without a husband and the man a father without a wife, so things are only very middling. That kid will be a prominent ,man m time if he doesn't get hung meanwhile.

The shocking death of Neil 'Johnson on the steamer Talune, at Port Chalmers recently revealed real heroism on the part of his rescuers. Johnson was engaged cleaning the condenser m the engine room when a fire broke out. James rfmith was working on the. next compartment and the fire reached him. He rushed out and extinguished his burning clothing, and then found that Johnson was m an inferno. To get out he had to climb on to the frames and squeeze up over the plates to get at a means of exit. He Was overcome by the heat ( and fumes and fell down. Help soon 'arrived, and after two men had gone m and had to come out again, nearly overpowed. the position became serious. William Sayers, a fireman of the W&rrimoo, went down as soon as the others came out, also Mr Pritchard, fourth engineer of the Warrirnoo, who, as soon as he arrived, stripped ofi most of his clothes m order not to be handicapped m getting through the small entrances, and fearlessly went m to the rescue. These two men went down amidst the overpowering fumes, and picked up Johnson, who was lyine on the bottom, and through sheer pluck they managed to get him to the outlet. Willing hands drew the victim out. He was burned all over, and the skin peeled oft

A number of neighbors recently showed their .practical,; Sympathy for a sick farmer m" Southlands by putting m a day's work at ploughing one of his paddocks. This is not at all an uncommon happening m Southland. Quite a Socialistic community apparently.

Somebody or other m Gisborne have not got much respect for the Cohentingenter, as the other day three heroes' names on the Cook Memorial Monument were daubed over with tar. This, "Critic presumes, is the vandal's ideal of blackening memories.

Two rival Wellington barbers have made a wager. Each reckons- that he can a man quicker than the other lather-slapper, and the money is up. But, so far, they have been unable to find two customers who are game to bare their chins to the razor's edge to decide the bet.

Hogg, the Sqciali.st, who has shaved his mo. oli, ala Ben Tillett, with disastrous results, is hoggish iri his insults. At the Opera House, Sunday, he said, "I recognise a number of Members of Parliament pre*scnti but not for any good they have done." This is the way strangers are welcomed to the Socialist cause.

Christianity and civilisation are the strongest demoralising agents m the world. Two Chows, charged with having opium m their possession at Dunedin, were given away by two other yellow Mongolians, who described themselves as "Christian Baptists." The pimp and informer are despised even by their employers, and the Chow who becomes a Klistian should be distrusted as heartily as the mechanical Methodist smile.

The police are seeking the owner of a handbag found hanging on a fence by the constable on duty m. Princess-street, 'Auckland. The bag is an apron case^.containing-a- -Masonic apron, and was probably inadvertently hung on the wrong peg by a member of the craft, homeward bound from a lodge function. Anyhow, the "brothers" must have had something stronger than ginger-pop that night. What did the brother tell his wife when he got home, anyhow ?

"Mary and me don't want any more of your tips," remarked the florid lady at the Dunedin races. "We are going to put a pound on No. 6, because its the sixth race, and you can keep your tips." They did, and Ardleigh cantered m to present them with a dividend of £5 18s. The victorious ladies then rushed No. 7 m the. seventh, race, and scooped m £4 18s from Paragon's win. , Meantime the knowing ones were backing sure things m the also started division.

An individual named .o' Sullivan, at a jplace called Havelock, had a marvellous escape from death a few days ago. He was warming four plugs of gelignite by the fire, prior to inserting them m the stump on a farm, when the whole lot exploded with a terrific roar. The fireplace was blown to atoms, but O' Sullivan escaped with hardly a scratch. ' Lucky man. But a man who would warm uynamite or any other explosive "by a fire would do anything silly. He'd look for escaping gas with a match.

The police are going to put down sly-grog selling m the King Country with a firm hand, a Taihape paper gravely informs the world, and furr ther states that Detective Siddell, of Wanganui, was- in Ohakune from Sat : urday until Tuesday, on official duties. There are a number of constables m private clothes also detectives, at present m the Waimarino district looking for the sly-grog sellers. Quite so. "Here we are," announces the police tp the sly-grog seller, come and be .caught. Splendid foorce the police I

The temperance column m Dunedin 'Star" gloats over the Criterion Hotel case m Christchurch. Also it hints darkly that gambling, immorality and drunkenness are rife m other hotels. The column knows it because it has been told .so by commercial travellers, who asked the column, with frantic anxiety, not to mention their namgs m connection with the charges ; hence the column's hands are tied. After all, the travellers may have heen refused an order at the pubs, m question. There is so much competition-rand so many travellers

They apparently consider the health of the community to a much greater degree m Canada than m this country. In a recent Canadian paper a case is reported where a milkman, found guilty of watering the milk he delivered to his customers, was fined £6, or two months m gaol. If gaoling these robbers without the option of a fine was adopted m New Zealand nothing but good and pure milk would be the result. The imnosition of a .paltry fine is m most istanccs an incentive to the adulterator to keep on "doctoring" milk until he hap made good the fine, '.ith interest too.

The Baptist Conference m Sydney has strongly condemned matrimonial agencies as immoral, and as the "sly-grog shops of the marriage tie divorce laws of the State." But the Wowser's objection to the marriage shops is not so much on the ground that they are immoral as that they help to reduce the wedding fees which the parsons would otherwise pouch;

Mr John D. Rockfeller is teaching New York mothers how to take care of their babies. He has employed fifty nurses at his own expense, ten to be stationed at openair camps, and fqrty to visit mothers m their homes and dispense instructions with regard to the care of children. Quite so. To rear the offspring to manhood so that Capital can make its profit out of him.

An old hand m the Wairarapa the other day asked for and got the Old Age Pension. Said old chap was nearly 90, and told the Magistrate that he wouldn't have applied only that he had met with an accident which prevented him from following his occupation. He deserves the pension, but he ought to thank his lucky stars that he never worked m Andrew Carnegie's iron-works. Old men they 'don't know there, they are allowed to. grow old. The cemetery is the place for them.

An applicant for the Old Age Pension, at Port Chalmers, the other day, told Magistrate Widdowson that he had property worth over £200 himself, and that his wife had money and property to the tune of £1,500. And then the Magistrate gently rebuked the impostor, for what more can such a man be who wants the paltry pittance when he and his "old gal" can show £1,700, or more. The B&ak said the application was "absurd," "Critic's" opinion is that it was tough, that's all.

According to Ben Tillett there is no more miserable being m the world than a British duke, ' whereat the fcwb thousand odd folk who comprised the audience laughed and cheered. As 99 per cent, had never seen a "dook" m the flesh, excepting, of course, the Yawnwell man out this way, a few years back, their cheers at Tillett 's tilt is pardonable. If one of him happened along the rush to kiss his toe, or shake his .hand, would be a paralyser. Anyhow, like the Yanks, we dearly love a lord or a dook, or anything that is supposed to have blue blood rushing through it's veins.

Taihape hasn't had many • drunks of late before the Beak, but the occasional exception to Taihape's sober rule makes amends for the doings of the drunks, that escape the eye of the Law. One drunk the other day was) described as the most drunken man a local policeman had seen who could keep his feet. At one time he thought he was going to dance a waltz cotilion, and, further on, the same constable .observed that taking the man's condition m the cells into consideration, he would say that he had been drugged. He needed attention throughout the night. He was sure there was more drug than drink about it. Anyhow, there are worse than this drunk wandering about m the wilds of .the King Country.

Two former residents of. Glsborne who are settled m the United States are very anxious to return to New Zealand. One of them, writing to a friend m Gisborne, says :— "The States are becoming rankly foreign. New York's population of four millions is made up of nearly a million Jews, another million Italians, Hungarians, etc., nearly a million Germans, half a million Irish ; so the Englisher has a poor show. Broadway is now Jewish, nearly all the stores and offices having Jewish names on the signs ; and my chiefdelight is m telling the few real Americans I meet that it is high time for Congress to change the name of New York, to New Jerusalem. New Zealand is very fortunate m being so far away as to escape this foreign invasion. I regret that Canada is on the road to falling a victim along with the States."

A proposal to draw closer the bond of union with outside churches was discussed at the recent Anglican Synod at Napier. The matter was brought up through a motion tabled, not inappropriately, by the Rev. Chatterton, m which the clergy were asked to use. their best endeavors to combat the evils resulting from religious divisions and other serious weakening of the the Christian churches efforts. Tl;e cheek of. the Anglicans m extending their patronage m this beastly manner has set the outside churches by the ears, more particularly as the opinion was expressed m the discussion that the motion desired something which was absolutely impossible. The Scotchbyterian parson at the Port told his congregation that to give prominence .to questions of church government m a discussion on union, m view of the indiffereuce and irreligion of the times, was a most reprehensible thing. Other dissenting parsons are sharpening their teeth for the fray, and presently Chatterton wiH be sorry he chattered.

The good . alii bonus has been called lots of things, particularly m balance-sheets, but when a Maori dairy farmer walked into an Opunnake factory's office and demanded his "bonedust" for last year's milk the secretary nearly dropped down dead.

A young man at Westport was charged with being on licensed premises after hours. He escaped punishment by the excuse that he had gone "a-courting." *Down at Westport now the landlord's daughter, the cook and the slaveys are m great demand after hours.

Policeman Brooks recently arrived m Nelson from Westport with a mentally unsound person, and put up at a local hotel. At 11.30 p.m. he was found clothed m his pyjamas on the footpath below the window of his room. He had walked through the glazed aperture and fallen a distance of thirty feet, his injuries being a sprained wrist and shock. Brooks hadn't explained matters when the mail left.

Legislation for the cringing Chinkie has again been foreshadowed. Balm Fisher asked Premier Ward if it was his purpose to do something to stop the yellow heathen selling tobacco while clean-living tobacconists' shops were closed. Sirjoe said it was intended to introduce a measure before the end of the Session dealing with the alien question, and the matter raised by Wellington's elected would receive consideration.

A marriage is such an unusual thing at the .Bluff that people go temporarily off their onion when one accurs. There was a wedding m the family of Joseph Metzgar recently, and Joe was a prood mon th' day, although he's not a Scotchman. That night the happy'couple's friends celebrated the event by pulling down the fences, upsetting a flagpole and marquee, and cutting the tires of a motor car destined for the honeymoon trip. They get quite playful at the Bluff sometimes.

"Truth" recently made reference to the extraordinary spectacle of the extremely youthful father and mother of ah illegitimate child fighting for possession of the love token, which is now about four years of age. Mr Neave, for Mary Melinda Atkinson, the mother, and Mr Fair, for William Arthur Andrews, the putative father, quoted ponderous authorities to Dr. McArthur, and the doctor reserved his decision. On Tuesday he gave it, and m the course of a review of the case he remarked : "The mother, although at one time she had gone astray, has since led a perfectly good and respectable life, and has done the best she could for the child, whereas the father, beyond paying maintenance, has not even gone to see the child. I should be going against express authority if I said the wishes of the mother were not to have priority." Andrews was ordered to keep on paying 7s a week towards the support of the child, with costs of the complaint.

BEN TILLETISMS. The aim of Socialism is Christlike. . •

* * * The Socialist stands for good .Government. * " * *

The Socialist wants to make the home a cathedral. * * •

The capitalistic system creates the criminal and the prostitute.

We Socialists may be called poetic, but we are at least humane.

Carnegie, Rockefeller and Gould are modern, commercial brigands.

One healthy, fruitful woman is worth a bench of bishops and prelates.

I hae ma doots about lawyers, but the parson seems a more dishonest person.

A dozen people own America, and a dozen dukes own two-thirds of Britain.

Rome and all the old dynasties failed because the robbed workers refused to work the land.

The statement that Socialism is against the marriage tie is a vile lie, and only poltroons would utter it.

Revolution means a complete turning round, an entire change of existing conditions, and it is not necessarily bloody.

Poor Rockefeller would give a million for a head of hair, ten millions for a new stomach, and all his wealth to be young again. * * - ♦

Every revolution that has taken place since the world began lias been a middle-class revolution— the cultured, intellectual middle class — and if it has been a bloody revolution, then it has been a " middle-class bloody revolution.