THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 117, 14 September 1907, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

» *-i— Who tiaji tm3an^ted brave fcbe Critic's mjCa? Or tifiteuniaove -1 his mention m the Criiiic's pc £c? Pp-mwlo lii« error m the public ay* ? A.ad Motior Cru»dy's rage defy? A" sure visitor : The rent collector. * * * r A : scarlet runner : A" woman's tongue. * * ;* X woman makes up her face long before she can make up her mind. * * * Geo. Washington spoke the truth. He set an example Americans, as a' rule, fail to follow., * * * Church bells wove made to call only one class of tine community, to church— well-dressed humanity a * * * Most gorgeously togged high" church dignitaries think more of their millinery and the collection plate than of the Gawspel. . * * p^ When wise old Solomon said, "In the multitude of councillors there is wisdom," he did not know, he could not be expected to know, of the borough councils of the Dominion.) * * * Says an 'Auckland, exchange : ''Eight prisoners m charge of a warder were brought from the South this morning by the Takapuna, en route to Waiotapu-." What a lot of prisoners it requires to look after a warder. * * * While there is talk' of formdng volunteer corps m Wellington, it does mot seem to have occurred to anybody that if the Wellington six-and-eight brigade were all. roped m, that it could form a gallant squad., What devils they are to charge.; '* . • .* * ' . The periodical victim of the . Sydney shark has turned up m Fedldiftig. tills time. He got a cable from the N.S.W. Metropolis purportdng to be from his brother, who is tripping' it to the other side. The cable mentioned, with alarm, that • the brother wanted £5 im: 3iate.lyi. also Ms passage money back. It cost the Feilding man. £9 to find ouit that his brother knew, nothing of the cable.] * *■ * It is hard to believe there are people who still oppose the eight hours' movement. Yet members of Wai.rarapa South County Council last week regretted the introduction of eight hours into hospitals Vecause it had doubled the cost of maintenance. As remar 1 ~il "by one bloated Councillor, "Nurses don't do any hard r/ork." All of the Wairarapa Councillors are m comfortal 1 "; circumstances and don't do any, hard work either. * * * The sole surviving member of Danincvirke "Press" which has been cast ashore on the inhospitable i^l's of influenza, gets the folloivanir off his ch?st i;-;twcen wheezes : "Our benevolent find cnli'.'-' tencd editor v/as the first to have his proud crest lowered to the bed pillow, -then followed an operator ; the manager reared from active service on Saturday lnom'ni, ond the rest of ths staff are, like the historic CaUagkan, on their last legs.' Even the'c.^r.e has a suspicious vhcezc. the type-setter a squeak, arul the printing press a rattle which foreshadows "trou-b'le. The p-loom of the past week's wees is only rivalled by the darkness of the outlook for the week to come, lvut we are cheerful, if afflicted. an>d determined though faced with troubles ana

A rioh orphan is never m want of friends. ■ ' * * <i ■ 1":3 drunk' never r• ' -, out to get-blue-blind, but its admirable to note how well he succeeds. •*. "'" ' ' * * * Mi'dright is h-car morning, but if a man takes a "copious refresher at midnight, it doesn't save him getting up m the morning for its relative. * • * * | From the Marlborough "Express" : ;"Wia-ntcd.— At. the Shades and Parikawa, a man to breed ferrets and kill rabbits." Now, what sort of a mail would that be, anyway? **. • • * From the year 1882 to ISB9, the birth rate of the colony was over 3.1 ]>er 1000 of the population. From ! that year it gradually fell until 1902 it was as 'low as 25 per 1000. ,: It would have been much larger than ■ this were it hot for society's wicked persecution of the illegitimate. * h * ' . * Some wild enthusiast writing to this religious rag from Waik&ra wants to know whether boxing is a brutal sport, and then proceeds straight away to prove conclusively that it isn't. He .admits, however, that a boxing exhibition is no plann ■ for ladies. "No more fit for lad- i ies," he says, "than my bathroom is when I am having my mornine j dip." Surely no one ever suggested the latter place as fit for ladies, anyhow. •* * j* Some figures supplied by the last I report issued by the Health Depart- : ment 'prove what an alarming scourge consumption is m this count'rv. Considerably over 6 po.r cent of the death's m Hew Zealand is due to, phthisis, and those v/ho died of tho 'disease 61 per cent, were New ■ Zealand born. This gives the lie I direct to those who say our con- j sumption is i^orted from other countries. Our supply m this particular n enough to warrant us being classed as "exporters." \ * * * ' When the benedict kisses good-bye to his wife, And complains that he's fashed out with .overture work. Then vigorously bangs the front door and repairs To a rendezvous where a grass widow doth lurk, Say, now, how would it be if his wife followed fast On his footsteps his overtime labor to see, And at last at the rendezvous turned' up also, Oh, I say, what a tumultous joke that would be ! *.■■■* * A" Queensland paper, referring to the salaries of members of Parliament, says:— ','Three hundred a year, j or, rather what he can save of £300 after his constituents have had their slice, is poor -enough recompense for a man that has anything m him. Of course, it is all right fcr the nonenity. but any man of decent brains should be able *o make £300 a year chopping wood. As m politics, so. m all forms of labor — if . you want good workmen you must pay a good wage. Cheap labor is always dear labor m the longrun.", This may be all right ; but we would. like to see the. member of our'N.Zl Parliament who could make £6 per week chopping wood. ■ . * . . ■' ■ * • • ' * They think a lot of themselves m Palmerston North. Wood, the • mem- !■?!• for " that rising township, is booked to get rid of the followingquestion m the House of Representativeo : "To ask the Postmaster-Ge-neral whether it is correct, as alleged by the honorable member for Waikouaiti, .that letters are sent to the 'Chicago' of New. Zealand, namely, Palmerston North, the most progressive, prosperous, and best laid out,. £O-ahead, a»d up-to-date town m the Dominion— which letters are intended for an insignificant, sparsely-built, scattered-looking, dreary villa>ge known as Palmerston m the South, and if the rumor is correct, will the Pos'tinva ster-General,- out of respect for Ills feelings of the vast population of Palmerston North, seec that the practice is discontinued ?"< * * . * Referring to land commissions, a Queensland paper has the following on the Commission that sat m that country recently :— "The Land Commission business m a nutshell : Coramission paid to agents, £5047 : free railway passes, £10,016 ; total, £15.063. Number of selectors settled 649. at an overage cost «p.r head of £23. Nor is this all. The Lands Department pays one per cent, commission down, and another one p , • cent, after a year or two. So that there should be another £5407 j commission to be drawn by the agent later on. This brings the i cost per head of selectors up to • £?0, which is pretty stiff, consider- j ing that the same amount would pay , the passages of three immigrants', from the Old Country. Which ever way this commission business is looked at, it has an up.lv aspect, and wants hitting on the head with an j axe.".. When all is said and ■ ■ (-on* 1 , do our lami. £O£:ipH3S f igns ji&i 1 £lli t

A welcome visitor .; The Postmaa. ; * * * ft thdef is never understood till he is apprehended. * * *. ' •• There are no excursion rates on the trains of thought. .* • • If the Peace Conferenes is not careful it will start a war before it is done. * * * An' advertiser m the "Times" says : "Ambrosia was the drink of the goddesses.." What's nectar done, anyhow ? * * f. New South Wales appears to be following the bad example, of New Zealand, by reducing the number of licensed hotels, and thus giving the lucky few a gigantic monopoly. The extraordinary prices given for hotel leases m this country proves that this community must pay at least 50 per cent, too much for its' drink. Reduction" is the most narrow-sight-ed policy that could be possibly-de-vised for the removing of the drink evil. From figures recently compiled, it appears that for every missionary sent from Christian countries to the hoath'n, 70,000 gallons of alcoholic liquor are also exported. Christian nations ?re therefore making ten -irunkariis to one Qhristian among the heathen. Little does the missionary know what a fine barracker for bun:; he is, nor does the poor heath-c-B even guess what a danger the white man and his reli-gion'b-rings m h's wake. * • • Charles. Lamb revised, with apologies, for anything m the nature of a libel on that gentleman's ideas of gallantry : — Of sufferings the girls have many, Which sorely vex their little hearts ; For instance, take the Government tarts, Who go to work and don't do any Toil whatever. How long the parts Of day moist seem to them 'twixt nine and five, Indeed, 'tis no small' wonder, how th-ev keep alive. Perched at the windows they seek to break monotony, But tired airs and frowns about them lurk Because the streets are full of tarts who never work,; ** » - Some excitement was caused m a Napier business place the other day when the accountant and commercial traveller got to holts with one another. It was a good go while • it lasted, blut as both lacked condition and science very little damage was done. As both have stated their intention of going m for a strict course of training before/ they meet again, their fellow-employees are looking forward to a good go when they meet. The head shopman has undertaken to train the commercial, while the accountant has put himself m . the hands of the car-ter (a wellknown light-weight of former times). It is understood the boss is putting up a purse for the contest, and as botih are very keen on landing; it, things should hum when they, get together again.. It would, be interesting to Know how many men are allowed to sleep m beds m some Ohristchurch hashhouses. The other morning a copper was requested, to walk upstairs m a cerWn.show occupied by a German to demand a 'bob from a spry young bookie. Seems, that the bookie m question used to stay m the place formerly, but that on this occasion he was told that there was no room for him. Howeveri, he evaded the boarding-house keeper and crept up stairs to bed,, and was found m the morning, when an extra shilling was demanded for his gross presumption. On the peeler entering the room he was astonished to fin 4 four men m a double bed and two others m a single one m the same room. Tho ' bookie paid the bob at this point, and the proprietor snuffed out some observation m a guttural tone of voice, and all was well. But six m two beds m one room m this "God's Own Country !" * * M One discovers extraordinary things m the Fiji papers sometimes. Two kanakas died at Suva recently, one a Protestant and a member of the police force, the other a Catholic. Both funerals were set down for the same day, and m some unaccountable manner the Catholic body was brought along to the Protestant parson to be buried and the mistake was not discovered until after the ceremony, when the other body turned up. The Suva paper was justly indignant, and said the casual way of doing things m Fiji had more than once made their friends m the neighboring colonies smile. "Incidents like this," said the paper, with severity, "are most undesirable, and ousJil not to be considered amusing. Our religious friends, both Protestant Catholic./ feel these matters very much, antl we hope the authorities will inquire- into the matter, and prevent a/ recurrence by remedying the, •d^Ss.ci r^n._fjiiure/ii_^-

Pressmen have been a bit premature m alluding to this country as a "Dominion." We don't take our title until the 26th of this month. * * * There is a fine wit on the "Mangaweka Settler," who recently expressed the hope that a local resident m the Wanganui Hospital, "would return home none the worse for his stay." * * * There is some talk of starting a B.W. Club m Wellington, to be open to travelling theatrical managers, of course. Bert Rovle. Edwin Geach, and Charlie McMahon are all m the running for the presidentship. v * * * A ; little game of fisticuffs took place on Sunday afternoon, says the "Opotiki Herald." We do not mean to say that a man has no right to defend his dignity, but we certainly think some other day m the week should be chosen for the purpose. The better the day the better the deed. * * * By a Japanese steamer which arrived m Sydney recently, came two camels 1 as a -gift from the Mikado of Japan to the Sydney Zoological Society. Very nice ! At the Newcastle Police Court the same day a skipper was fined £100 for allowing a prohibited immigrant, a Japanese to enter the Commonwealth. It worth cabling, to Vancouver. * ' * * "Critic" heard of a Yankeeism the other day that will bear repeating. An Englishman buying a ranche m Texas was urged as a great inducement that the road from the ranche to the town was all downhill. "But how about coming back ?" was the query. "Well, now you've asked me," / Said the Yank, "I guess it's just about level." And he didn't even blink. * * * When all is said and done, despite the effusions contributed to the press by ostensible patriots and gilded popinjays, the military class are but parasites battening upon the body politic. Not. a sou goes into their pockets or a brass button on their uniforms but what the cost of it is borne by the soldiers of industry, the only army that is worth consideration. * :• • Palmerston N. Council has, after all, decided to grope on its belly to Andy Carnegie for a library. It's only following into line with other New Zealand Councils, so the cadge is ■ becoming universal. What must the cold-blooded Scot think of the cadgers, particularly when New Zealand's prosperity is boomed all over the world. The curse of Carnegie is over the land. * . * " * The Orient and P. and O. lines will have to pull m their horns when the Commonwealth-owned mail steamers become an accomplished fact. As it is now, one of these crack companies has little consideration for steerage passengers, who find themselves better cared' for on the foreign liners. The.P, and O. Co., besides employing as many niggers as possible, refuse to carry horny-handed passengers except they, go second saloon. * . * .* ■ ■ ■ . 'X northern paper is responsible for the following anecdote of Te Kooti, the well-known Hauhau chief :— "At the time of the Hauhau chief's march through the country after he had been pardoned, just previous to his contemplated- descent on Poverty Bay, -he passed over the Wairoa bridge, with eighty warriors, on horseback. Mr J. H. Smyth then kept the toll at the Wairoa bridge. The native m advance truculently threw a shilling ■on the deck. The toll-keeper ordered the whole calvacade back and bade the native dismount and hand him the coin This the native refused to do, but Te j Kooti, who was m the rear, rode forward, and asked what was the matter. On being, explained, he turned to the native, and roundly upbraided him. making him dismount and present the shilling. He then ordered him to the rear m disgrace." * • • T A man has only to make one false step m life and there are always hundreds and thousands who will do the damnest to keep him under from all time. A case m point was brought under "Critic's" notice this week. An individual unfortunate to have once served a term of imprisonment for stealing a bottle of .gin, although possessing a marin- ■ er's.. certificate and has . the Royal j Humane' s Society's medal for life j saving, --has been forced, to earn a' livelihood on the wharves, and work | damned hard he did. The other day alon-T came some sort of a .jumpedup son of a seacock, who is mate or something on a coasting vessel, and •an awfully jealous brute hft is, too. Somehow, the idea entered his head that the unfortunate was to get the mate's job. Ascertaining i that such was not the case, he turn- j ed on the man and cursed and hul-.i lied him, and eventually cot him the [ sack localise he knew him. There! will V-o iii^ii^f some daf . and the . jmatp n ?•■■-(} f n't complain if .he ever | liSBl?: JwyilJ. hurbi