THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 133, 17 August 1907, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

'." ". mi: ■ Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage? Or note nnmored his mention m tb c Critic's page? Parade his orror m tho public eye 1 kad Mother Grundy'e rage defy V Custom- is costly imitation.. ;. The world is but a cheating ; shW^ .*■ • •'■■*'.• ■ ■ *. Greed is the parent of competition..; * »• *• ■ #■ ;.. • .. Life is but a series of shock's and sensations^ *'• '.* • ■ ■ - w - Some ladies' ibearts are not so openas their hosiery, * . . * " w Attraction' controls -tine Universe, and the atoms of it, ,* * * .A" man cam love a woman ta "distraction — or destruction.. ■' . ■ * . * . * The best cure for neuralgia is said to be the injection of alcohol. The boozers will probably now. develop neuralgic pains., . * " .» •* ' ' ' Even the electric cars have got a down on the Chihkie. A Christchurch tram sent one John to hospital on Monday after hitting him with his own vegetables. * * * It actually happened m a plaoo.lilfio Christchurch, wher© \t«ater almost oozes out if you only look at t»hc ground, that a man had to be rcmacdod at thfe Police Court for a wash. As the remand was for a wefek, it* may be. inferred that he required a considera/blo amount of scrubbing. ■ * .* ■. *. Our beloved colored brother once again. An undesirable wretch wha committed a most abominable ofience of an unnatural kind, and who had attempted to do so at Riccarton, - was given hard labor.- for five years at. Christchurch this week. His name was Thomas Brown, and he worked i& racing stables at Riccarton/ . .

A' small cloud may, hide both sun and moon. i * ■ * „': ■I" ■■• • - j .-.Deceit 'doesn't pay ; especially,, whet: j ■you deceive yourself,. ■* * * The mail notices published daily, are probably to counteract the female j notices m fashion papers. ' * * * French theatres give 10 per cent, j oi their incomes to the poor. Thisgift averages £3,000,000 a year. * * * The weather is called calm if the air is not moving at more than three miles an hour ; thirty-four miles is a strong breeze, forty a gale, seventy-five a storm, and ninety a hurricane. * * • * There are plenty of mugwumps at," large m New Zealand who will tell anybody they most that saintly Stanton j the criminal, had performed some almost miraculous cures of cancer. Now he can try. his healing powers on prison bars. There is a •drought or something at Ta-ihape. Clean Police Court sheets continue. When will this wavo of sobriety cease ? Great snakes, Taihape has a wretched past to live down, and it seems to be m dearly earnest about it now. * * * A baker's shop m Colombo-street Christohuroh, contains a placard ' on top of some loaves of bread, stating that some good bricks are to be had on the premises. "Critic" knows other bakers who sell bricks, but they -are not so refresh inigly candid as this one. * * * Mr Justice Cooper, m his charge to the Grand Jury m Wellington on Monday last, referred to tho increase ■of crime m the. Wellington province, and said that if that increase con-ti-mied, the province will have attained an unenviable reputation. Will have attained, why,' it's got it. * * * 'Jay Pays at Westport are bucking.. One of them t'other morning objected to -decide cases, which the local Magistrate, through stress of business, can't take. Anyhow, what's a Jay Pay for ? As a rulei, he lik.es to be perched on the ' bench, and say big things about the Lor, and ho seldom kicks against it. If all the J's.P. m, New Zealand would but do likewise there-would bo fewer miscarriages of justice and the wrongful use of the Law.) * * m ■■ The ''Columbus Penitentiary News'(for many years a flourishing daily paper published by convicts)- has- suspended publication for <the very good reason . that there is not left m the big penal institution a single man who can liancile type. Bankers- there, are m plenty*— more than twenty, and more are on the way. Enough lawyers are there -to take care of an enormous amount, of legal business. Doctors, brokers, and other "eminently respectable" citizens are not lacking. Business men. farmers, mechanics, and representatives of almost every other department of industrial activity, are common there. But there is not one printer. Which is pleasant reading for. the much-maligned' printer, if for nobody. else, ■■•*' * # . • 'An unfortunate devil named Walter . Baker, who gets £2 5s a week and has to provide fora wife 4 and 1 two children m addition to paying 4s a w&ek towards the support of his father,, ap-. plied for a reduction of -the latter contribftfbion at the Wellington Court on Monday. He had been pay-ing 4s a weekl for seven years, and it was getting -beyond him- Beak Riddell reproached the man for getting marriedunder such circs. '-'The law did not ask you to take new responsibilities on yourself," remarked his astoundin© Worship, severely ; nevertheless foe reduced the contmbu'tion to two bob. We know that money monopoly prevents many marriages, but it is unusual for an S.M. to advise abstention from increasing the birth-ra-tc m a legal ma/inner, if the victiim likes to take it on., * « * There seems to be ac tendency on the part of young fellows to diddlethe Railway Department by means of forged certificates when applying for omploymen't on the line. A certain amount of merit is required, and school standards have to" be sta/ted by applicants. These aro set down higher •than* th'oy ideally ar&, th<e teacher's name being' forged. Quite a number of men havo been trying on the gamo m <t>he South Island,^aud- the Department has dropped to it to .such an extent t'i at there -have 'been a number of convictions lately.. The latest is Asbbiurtoa young fellow namod Alfred Welsh, an-cthc told Judge Chapman at Ohristchiuxh on Monday that lie signed tho teacher's name without giving toe matter a thougEt, The bench replied that ' it was a very shabby thtaig to do ; if ho got the job ho was trying for bs would be doing another chap out of it. Tbo prisoner was admitted to probation for six: rooittths awl had to part up v fuw guid 1 towards payji'n'g. the costs of tic prosecution. Then he sloped home, to ■HaslnbUi-rton again, impressed with thy ii'deatho-t Ihe Railway Department iw ii»t So slow as its trains^

A judge is seldom as wise as he looks. •Pu'M'ic nieh are-- principally, press made.; «■,.'* j» "I have been m prison many times and m many countries, but neverunder compulsion."— Poole, M.H.R. * * . * A" man m love is m a hurry. He -rushes through Jail the stages- of emotion as if he wanted to have done with them. Woman wants to linger on .each step. «■• ■ - * Bigamists m Hungary are compelled to submit to the old punishment. The man who has been silly, enough to marry two wives is leeally forced to live with both of; them m the same hquse. The English law of gaoling . a bigamist is, humane compared with this. * • . * * . Some 30 oases of flounders were seized by tiie Dunedin health authorities the other day, and -were destroyed. Tliefish came from Auckland, ami had been frozen,, and thawed, and were m a very bad state of decay. If the Health authorities hadn't acted, what would have happened ? * * * H. J. Higgins, of lowa, U.S.A.. says, like Tony. We'ller, "bevare of vidders.!" He is unmarried, and worth upwards of £20,000 a year. Scores of widows are making love to him. "They haven't let me have a minute's peace for a year." he says. "Tliey worry me so that I am getting as thin as a rail. I don't care a snap, for any woman on earth, and if they don't let me alone I'll get out injunctions." *'■ * ■ * According to the' member for Hutt and other authorities, kissing goes by favor. air Wilford's recollection of the fact was induced by the selection of prisoners, for work at the Waiotapu tree^-plaiiting depot. Recently m Wellington Gaol there was considerable disturbance amongst the prisoners who had ho bad marks against 'them because their claims to a country excursion had been overlooked m favor of one fortunate "prisoner. The Hutt's energetic mouthpiece wants to know what system, if any, is adopted m the selection of prisoners for transference to Waiotapu. * *. * Signing another man's moniker to a cheque may be a nice easy way to make money for a day or so, but it has its disadvantages. A queer excuse was put forward by Grace Hutchison at Christchurch, who had been e;uiltv pi such freaky conduct, which , meant a fiver to someone. She 'told the Court that she had committed- the forgery to satisfy . a man whose wife was m trouble. This josser hopped along next day and said it was a damned lie- He wanted no forged fivers. Accused husband was m Court when ; she was dealt, with. Wonder if hekissed her when he got her home. ■■♦.■",,*■ * ' Rain-making is to be one of Maoriland's newest industries apparently, arid the Ward Government may have to put on an export duty to prevent the products of the proposed latest thing m this line being sent out of the colony. The Oamaruvians arid their kindred further south are ' going to battle the atmosphere with pop-guns and similar artillery, arid Chinese crackers and other fifth of November' atrocities. They want rain badly, no doubt, and are quite justified m trying anything that suggests itself as bein£ likely to strike moisture. It is curious to note that more than one person is implicated m the conspiracy to obtain, damp, by false pretences, including' Rev. Bates, of the Government Metrorological Department. Well, -that Bates everything ! Have these certificated pious people discarded the old prayer for. rain ? Looks like it. Interested persons m the affected districts are not praying ; •■. they are growling with a forty bomb power, and . are. apt to explode at the slightest mention of aridity. * • * * '•iTruth" Has received a torrid letter, from, some denizen of Dutfe-street— that notorious, place. in Christchurch where some people are always quarreling, taking each other to Court, and paying lawyers, and fines, with great regularity. Tho writer does-nt sigai iiis or her name 1 to the missive, and it couldn't well 'be inserted m toto, anyway. , It appears, however, that an old bloke -there hasn'-t been cohabiting v/ith a woman 'for* about 2G years, and that he -runs the cutter" to the pub, a-mlntatoos himself useful m the witness-box \7ihoncVcr cases are brought by the rival combatants m the language, line. Allusion is raatle to another 'individual m that street who was concerned m a case not long ago. Of 'him, too writer says m concluding the letter : "He told the fceaich hevras a carter if be said he was a cadger it was nearer the truth he can re'fc free rashions and free coals and now he gets free .rent to swore a he :wd imikes 'Ms wife do the same that is the kind of things of men the fc>er'gciuit believed loaf en on others in-. gUud oE working." So much for Duke i Street's gj-a.inim'ar an* puaowationi

Extravagance is the luxury of the poor. ....■•> ' * ■ * The man who "hag a pull' '■ may, be inclined to think he's Webb'^ * *. * There are two kinds of brokers, share brokers and stony brokers, and the one is intimately connected with the other. • * * * Ql record performance has justj been carried out by a Chicago J.P, He married a couple m two and a half, minutes. Marriage m haste ; repentance at -'leisure ! : ■•* * * Christchurch City Council have, after much gas and. guff, decided to erect underground conveniences for both sexes at three locations m the city, , including one m Cathedral Square. The total cost is to/ ,be three thousand quid. * * ;*. The Hon. H. Scotland, one of thevenerable life members of the Upper! Chamber, reckons that '"the man who would call New Zealand 'God's Own Country' must be cither an unmitigated humbug or fool." 'Even from the fossilised Chamber one occasionally does get a little common sense. * * * Waro.sanui it having an extraordinary run of luck just now. In addition to being a town of champions, its post office has been raised to the first grade. Groat, therefore, is the consternation of Palmerston N. It re- j mains a sub-office, a sort of siding as it were to the Sandy-brained town. * * * It is a singular fact that the young and newly-created members of Wellington Police Force are being put on to arrest the humblo successors < of Nell (rwynnc, who haunt the immoral quarter m t«he city. • It is not supposed that the older peelers might be asked awkward questions by the ladies of elastic virtue. _ ' * * * The 'quaint... and. historic Maori Church m Otaki, used for the last fifteen years by the Europeans, is at last to be forsaken 1 , the Maoris having decided to have it thoroughly renovated and used exclusively for themselves. At the present time the structure is very shaky, and timber is on the ground for supports. * * ' • Criminal Quack Stanton seems to have held human life very cheap. Before his trial he made no pretence at hiding his feelings at being delayed and detained by the Law. He had his "duds" packed ready to leave the Cathedral City. The possibility of a jury saying "Guilty" never seemed to have dawned on him.. Stanton now knows that he can't fool the Law all the time. * * * The most eminent of Melbourne's women doctors say the reason why so many illegitimate children die is not so much because their foster mothers neglect them, as because their mothers, deserted by their fathers, took to supporting themselves by prostitution m some of the weary months before they were . relieved oi their burden. 'It is a brave woman who boards base-born babies m this Christian, .community, • * .* ' * . Idealist, wanner of : the Winter Cup, is a brown gelding, and on this account received a three pounds allowance m the last Wellesley Stakes. In the last otaki programme the son of Birkenhead and Ideal was described as a filly, and now he is served up to the "Evening Post" m his original role of colt. Since Idealist has received an allowance m classical events for being a maiden this may have conduced to the Otaki Club's mistake, but it is difficult to see on what grounds he is termed a colfr. * * * James Flowers was the singularly inappropriate moniker borne by a nigger, sued m Wellington Court on Tuesday by Mrs Agnes Brown, for the recovery of £3 ss, board arid lodging. The discolored person, who did not defend the original claimi and was being proceeded against under judgment summons, declared that the amount had 'been paid, and handed up a sheet of irrevelanit documents to Dr. McArthur, S.M. "You put m a receipt for £2, deposit on a chestnut filly," remarked his Worship, "What has that got to 'do with Mrs Brown ? Here is another, receipt for £12, chestnut filly. Am you . a racing man ?'.' The woolly-headed negro aisclawned the honor. ''Here is another receipt for ! a Tawa 'estate section ; what has that got to do with Mrs Brown ?" questioned the Bench. "And here is a oheque m your own name, dated' Deooinbcr 10, • 190 G, which has never been operated upon. What has tlTe firm of Kennedy McDonald got to do With Mrs Brown, or Wilson and Co,, or the Tawa, Land Co., Ltd., or this odd cheque of yours '•?" The black tulip, who said his name was "Flowers'' not '-Flower,' 5 and who was dubious about blooming m the Spring, asseverated that the account was paid. "Well, you should have defended the case?" Mr Hindmarsh (for plaintiffi): "This man is worth £1000, your Worship." Amount to bo paid- Within ft w&efcjf or s§Vett d»ys<

•Justice Cooper confesses to a knowledge of "two-up." Learnt it, of course, on the bench. Any&ow^tihat-'s ■ only, a superficial knowledge., * - *• # A' sixpence initialled by a Gisborne gentleman six years ago has come back to him m the ordinary course ot business. Perhaps it brought interest With it too. * : * * •'"I was Webbied,". said a Wanganiui drunk the other day when charged with having an -overdose of alcohol. It . went down, ami, like the sinner of ;.oid, he was admonished to go and sin no more. . ' " * * *• The conviction for manslaughter at Chris tohurch of the saintly Stanton ought, to act as a warning to other qiua'ck : s m New Zealand. Stanton is lucky that he did not bump up against a charge of murder. ** ■ m A' certain parrot, because of a too frotjuent. vi) of "obscene language,'' was banished to an outhouse. A chicken which had just broken through , its shell happened to run into the outhouse. ''My word !" said the parrot. "You're starting young. What the Hades have YOU been saying ?" * * * There are many m Christohurch who, notwithstanding that Stanton, by a jury's verdict, is a criminal, still t bolieve m the old fraud's marvellous magnetic healing power, and- regard him a ; s a martyr. It was ever thus with fools; they are incapable of beins convinced and richly deserve to | be rooked left and right. * * * In London city churches are opened so that work people may sit and rest. Not a bad use to put some of New Zealand's churches to. Let the people use them as umbrellas on wet days- -a far -better insurance for long life on earth than are the Sunday sermons an assurance against everlasting life* * * « •A.' correspondent informs ''Truth" •that our comments on warehouse sweating last week did not go far enough. He instances the firm of Ross and Glendenning, which works its employees after hours and doesn't give them a shining -for tea money ; nor -does it even pay tram-fares home and- back to graft .f These big warehouse firms are sweaters of the" worst type, 'and it is no wonder, • considering the paltry wages paid, that they, are robbed so .often.; • *. '0 London writers are getting on the track of the Yankee tale-tellers. Tiio latest yarn iof the razorless paste, with which half-a-dozen men were cleanshaved by such things as a bone paper knife, match boxes, etc., will take a lot of beating. 'Even the tales of artificial eggs of Chicago, the wooden nutmegs of Gotham, and the Baswood hams from Noo Yark, fare being knocked into a cocked hat by the London yarn. Yet it is noticeable that no names or addresses are given,, though, to be sure, that omission won't prevent the; usual crop of mugs from swallowing the story., * * * Wliat's wrong with' the Ohiro Home again ? This place wants shaking up. ln> the "casual ward, right through the ■dreary winter there . was not even a fire, though there is a gas stove on the premises. "Truth" has seen something, ■ alleged to be dripping-, supplied to inmates m lieu of butter. Good Heavens, it is no wonder paupi ers want to die. Even Prig Purvis saw that the. inmates, even if he did rob them, got some share of com-; fort. Purvis's successor is cutting down expenses with a vengeance. He ought to be made to consume the rotten dripning himself., it might make him have a little prty for the poor^ • * * *. The girl that George Stanbrough Randwick married at Wellington m August last year went, sour on him after eleven months' nuptial felicity. The pair lived for some time at the Upper- Hutt, then accepted a married couple's billet on a farm at Rongotea, m the Manawatu d>lstriot. The humdrum existence and the rustic simplicttv of the scenery didn't suit the missus, who cleared out to Palmerston. The grief-stricken husband followed her there, and after much'entreaty induced her to return to Rongotea and the cows. The appalling deadness of the place, combined with George's iniaibility to interest "her, was too much for. the lady, who again departed. When next the ill-used hus-,, band saw his spouse she was walking arm-in-arm with a strange man m fcovc«n, and the circumstance annoyed the rightful owner of the perverse lump of femininity, who applied for a separation order on the ground' of desertion. Mrs McLean, of Palmerston, stated that the wayward one stayed at her place under the name of "Mrs. Clark," and was visited by a young man, who had meals^ with her. On Sunday afternoon he took her out for a drive, and out the same evening the lady went out again and did not return, but next mornine; the young man came round and paid her board. In spite of this testimony, Thomson, S.M., remarked that the erring missus wa» young, and he . adjourned the case to give the husband a chance to patch, up the huge chasm firt fcis &&pptnes&*