THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 101, 25 May 1907, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage ? Or noto unmovod Msmention m fcho Critio's ptige? Parade Jiis orror m the public eye ? And ftTother Grundy'siage defy?

Few.peoplo get a Sunday school cert ficate of character from a policeman-. * * V « The rough path of the virtuous badly wants the steam roller run over it. • ■ ♦ *.. Predicted that the weather this: winter ..will b€( (as damp as a 'long. beer contest. ' • » . . • The lost and found columns of the papers never disclose that anybody has lost a character. : . • • • The Government Maternity Home at Christchurch was formerly a pub. • The transition is easy— from ruin to ruination. * * * In this shallow twentieth century' success becomes the (permanent guest of those who make the most noise about themselves. • • ' • Augustus James Hehir, now a "lifer" m Lyttelton gaol for attempted murder of bis paramour, was a beer aiwi cigarette fiend. • « > "* It is a wonder some of the AntiGambling League push are not afraid to go out on Sunday for fear, of breaking the Sabbath "with their hard faces ' • • • A<man fell back dead m his chair the other day while reading '"The Cotter's Saturday Night," and the jury (UrauigiM m a vpudiet of V Death! from Burns." . • * ■ • "If a. Olvina-man loses his qu&ue, What is the beet thin® to tiueue °." "Why, btaid one, of course, • From the tail of a torse, And stick it right on with some glueue." '.• « • Fair men are said to be mostly sailors, scientists, solicitors and poets, while the darker type produces mostly statesmen, divines, explorers, actors, and actresses. Certainly, politicians ancT parsons are dark— in their ways ! , • ■ '• • I view wi% envy the obese Who murder others' sleep with snores, , They have 'the fat and we the lean Frfom Nature's sweet restorer's stores. . • ■ ■• • ■ At Ipswich (Queensland) a cow on a railway . line trailed a locomotive, and damaged several trucks. This does not agree with George. Stevenson's statement to a House of Commons committee, who asked' him what would happen .if . a cow got on the line, and he replied, "It would le bad for the coo'!" The number of people who ' keep fowls and ducks right m the heart of the city is a menace to public health. " Where there tire fowls there' also will the rats be, and where rats are there is always danger of plague. In Cuba, Taranaki, and Tory Streets there ajte several young poultry farms all too close to the dwelling houses. • * * A carpenter who was engaged) pulling 'down the fitting of a shop just vacated by a Chow fruiterer, called "Critic" m to have a look at the filth. The fruit m that particular shop used to look beautiful m the window, but if the customers could have seen what "Critic" saw their stomachs would have had no craving for that fruit. *•• • • ' It is "the general opinion among city men that a community of 800,--000 odd souls, like New Zealand, cannot afSord to pay £100,000 subsidy for a 20-day mail service to Eogland. The people whom the tax wouM fall heaviest upon would b|2 the people who §e!b no benefit from it. It might assist business, but it wouldn't make the necessaries of life any cheaper. • • • . ■ An'Emglisn paper says ?, "The difference Ifoetv/teon' good 'beer and bad beer oan most .qfuickly be indioated 'by describing Qiiow good beer is' made." Critic is not much of an authority on beer, but still he could distinguish between good an>dfbnd brews by a mucli speedier process than reading a column article, on how the malsters prepare the beverage. • * • A remarkable feature about the Colonial Premiers now at Home is their comparative youth. Excepting Sir Wilfred Laurier, who is S6 years of age, the Premiers are all at the period of life that can be called ■'prime." Dr. Jameson (Cape Colony) is 54 years of age, Mr Deakin (Australia) 51, Sir Joseph Ward (New Zealand) 50, Mr Moor (Natal) 54. Sir R. Bond (Newfoundland) 50, and General Bgtlu (Transvaal) 44 £

Mariy a poet ojra_ keep, the^woif-irotn-j >: thtr-dooY T)y,,rea«(a?ijg -his-v-versesto'tfre; ,'• animal.. ' " "*' v V • • » No man is perfect, or woman either,., after he or she has reached the years of discretion. "St. Patrick' was a -Frenchman'," .says, an English parson. Another injustice to Ireland ? or an invention of ths brutal Saxon ? ••■ • • Ever 'notice that it is always the tuneless, tone-deaf, human hog who insists on whistling, in ' a nerve-des-troying fashion, on public conveyances. '.....■• •" « • In .. America, when a public official embezzles public money, they don't suspend him from office, 'but from a tree. Sometimes ! Other times they send him to Congress., •• ■ • 'We read that at a recent songtifcle party at Foxtcn the prize for the m-ost orig •nal title was won toy a lady who, to illustrate the song she. selected— "Pilgrims of the Night" —exhi'DTted three fleas impaled Cn a pin. How dad she catch them ? \ Aaid where ? InsaMlity to pay baefc-rept led ;to a Christohurch woman shifting fixings the other day. It w<as a shabby lot of articles that filled the hig, cart, two kerosene tins looking ,t-he brligntest things there. Two dirty little urchins travelled along with their mother— who wore gold pince nez !• • • • There is a rather wealthy old josseu who 'frequents the Prince of Wales Hotel m Master ton. He has mowey ttf) ; burn, tot he can never find a stray ■' bob . • for . the toots, who has to polish' his, No. 19's. Boots got even tiie : otih'-er ivi-ght by leaving the said foot-'gear 7 encased m the '^incSv'of mud that dasfigureffl their surface wfi«n thte old man took them off-. Thais* to 'be a good rem-wider to *wie 6Vd/ boy that if he'w&to'ts a pair of ~e^tta ; special v mu'dtdy clo'dHhoppers clean©d, hfe should deal ou/t a dollar to the 'hoots now and again. .Hamilton, the religious -osser m Ashburton, who kissed the other'fellow's, wife, is pretty decent at the money-raisHiK '■ game. The following is a sort , of heavenly P.N. that is bein? circulated m Ashbuton for the putj:ose or raising funds to build a chtjrch :— CHURCH OF CHRIST, ASH- ' BIJRTON. ■■ : i 1907. ,1 prpmise, God helping me, to Day the sum of £ : : on or before July Ist, 190.7, and a like a-moun-t m two payments mi n . twelve Arid., twenty-four months respectively, into the Lot and Building Fund of the Church of Christ, Asftnirton. The twelve and twen- ' tv-four month pledge is to bear' . -live md a-half per cent, interest from date. Signed ', • • • . "' ' '" , " • • . ADA. • Even the parsons now are ' 'going crook" -about. Ada Ward's rush v for the boodle, as reported from Ballarat". -But Ada doesn't care. Why. sbAJuld she ? It's the money that' talks, and Ada's looked ■ after that p'aft of the business :— What matters it now that the parsons prate, v 'And the .praeachers ramp and roar ! They're all dropping down when it's .far too late That Ada's cleared out the collection plate, As well as the "bpfos" at the door ;' Her fiddLe-dee-dee, To the -he and the she, Concerning their follies and sin. Her pictures of hell ; Well, they're all very well, But . Ada's been after the tin. : •'■'•■ (Chorus.) Good old Ada, Ada, Ada. 'Twas the "showing biz" tha»t made her';- . And she still can thow a point or two to "(rod's own" flock; Good /old Ada, Ada, A-da, i How her. "missioning" has paid her, In her little poke bonnet, and her plain blue frock ! i . ' ■ ■ What matters it now if we all turn croofe And the 'best of us soon grow worse ! For Ada's been with us expounding •' "the Book." And every odd thrummer she quietly , took, , . Arid stowed m her heavenly purse j : With ,her cackle and chat. And her this and her that, Miss Ma's a hard old case ; But the bundle of pelf Whiph she keeps for herself Seems to soften her hard old face. (Chorus.) I Good old Ada, Ada, Ada, : Hbw the missica Rarne has paid her!Does she keep it m her pocket or sock ? Has the merely left the mummers Just to gather, m the thnuniriers, In her little poke bonnet, and her plain blue frock? .

r~Nxrit<jaj, thm (his fellow dipsomaniac. . » • . « How is it thfere are so . few 'Jews m the police f face 1 1$ is* said to lie a paying game. "■..".. A wonvain without curiosity may, be dull comj>^ny, but she makes a very, excellent neighbor „ .• * • Fleas convey ; plague, ': ■' - iii osquitos carry malaria. Can. any, clever idiot tell us what fleas and mostjuitos were invented for ? - « ■■.«■. ■ • ■-. . A Home paper antoouaoed.' that a lunatic, had escaped^ from an asylumi, clad only m his riig>bt-sbirt. The-par-agraph stated furthet thQ.t liJie man was sft sin. in ' height; ha<k browh' eyes and dark fcVxwn. hair. Most projbably the escapee's de^crjpiKoin was giiven to avoid his . Beiaig cotikfused with other persons who might be g/oing at'ooit similarly attisceid. "Truancy is the" first step to crimnalfty, the first, .'ruiaig; in .the idoiwnward la'dtder," said! a nqnedin "&tdperodiary" to.the uaifforfeu'nateV motiber of thirteen kids .the ..other -morning. Some of us flatter \ ourfeelv-es we could ha/rdly be classed. in the-, category ' ' Criminal, ' ' , yet . we look Iback to the escapades of oui'i .schoolndays with somethifng. akin to -the • glco we tiben felt w>heii J''wa'giginsf" it from school. , A correspondent ; sends us. a 'shocking story of juvenile v . f^ravi'ty m. this city of Wellington."' He .says that he was laccostedi one lnght , on the Esplanade by a boy of . qiiite tender years, who, after one pretext ai:d 'another, made t^ most; shocking proposals, to him. '. :He ! gave the youngster a' goad tro,iincing,,' . and , he ran or?, anfd was ■ joiinod by ,a num^ieir of others. The police nutKht keep their eye on this localii^; for tliese you-ng niffians. ' • - ; "■■■■ .-■..*.. ;iv», Jis-cv.- ■■':-\. 4-< •"-■ . - ... A' dealer named F. C. Dawson- fell very flat m the Police Court m Chris tchurch ,the other day. Her sold a woman some goods Valued at £4- 15s on time payment, and after she had paid £4 5 of tftie total d^b* lie waltzed m and seized the go>o»ds m lieu of the odd 10s. The woman sued ' him for "tilie value of the goods,. , £4 Jss,. and the magistrate; gave judgment for' the plaintiff. H a few mibre of these time-payment skunks were treated m the same -way it would' do tihem good. ... • • ■ • ■ • One of the noxious army of Scrap Iron Jacks that perambulate Christ--church artd infest back yards and prig vi\'&t tl*dy pan when there's . nobody about, got tiowled out by a woman the other day. William Matthews is a typical man of his. class . ana is- a stranger 1 to the ciiby v He came .'from Gore, or thereabouts, and set to work with a* barrow, and started 'cdll'ectitig' liottles and waste material often rele^ gated to' the scrap heap.. He > found. trmiLVf» rigfht awtay. There jwas .am enticin-g! lot of old iron and piipang i'n the yard of Mrs Mary Aim Cotterill, Park Road, aiid thiis .born thief snavelled the lot without >; going througb : the trouble of asking or paying for it:- The owrier miss&d the stuff . m, two jiffs; and sailed down the street,.. and< demanded -'tihat tlic . dirty-looking scavenger" should cart = it (back; again. He used most obr scene language to her! ' but eventual-: ly borrowed the 1 stuff to her yard. Then the' lady f ollowed him , and he threw stones at her as 'thrtugh shfe were a d-bg. The police here' stepped m, and Mattihews and> his T)'arrow were yarded at the station. The theft and the obscenity were admitted at Court by this curious coot, who pleaded that he was a hard-working maw and wanted a eharri-st. Two months' hard. « « - v BALLAD OF ANCIENT DAYS. 0 give me the, news of ancient days. Of Adam, and Lot,, and .Thor, Mixt m with tales of the taking ways Of William the Conci.ueror. 0 let me over that paper pore '■ 1 That tel|s how Napoleon B Set the map of all Europe a-soaking m -gpreV. ' For thiat ' is ''still news to me. In weather reports I'd mostly -praise The itetns consulted by Noah, When loaded 'with elephants, bears alid jays, "• He sailed out to Ararat's shore. P ,le|i'.nie tot up that beautiful score Of ;Sa,ms6h the bold and free; $ho '" batted base-hits with the ass's jore-^-For that is still news to me. O let me s.eq what the v paper says Of Eve ao>d the apple's core ; I'd. read of that' josh, of Josliua's' Who made the Sim's publisher sore. O let. me read how some Senator Punched holes m great Julius C, And tell me truths that Sapphira sw!ore— For that is still caews to me. ' ; (Envoi; ) Prince, when you are ' thinking this business o'er, Of what f:our. newspaper should be, The bully old news of the past restore^ — For that is still news to me^ '

Theif rctends ,' of & Wellimgtdn graph©* phone enthusiast say. that?he is nogJJ*' ,ried to 'has /balking machine. Tteafar the trouble -with, most men, isn'tjit'%. It's a cannibalish statement,- ' ' Yet we .know it 'toitoa^soj,:- .vrVl The most " fascimting d4«t ; --. \i fit For an infant is its'ttfe.- \U> • • ■•• ;■■•.: '; ' .*'•• The last refuges for criminals flfce* ing from justice were the Bonin Islands, off the Japajnese coast; his.--even iii these criminals ate now "'no longer safe. -,',-■ ' The friend of an embryo Tennyson remonstrated with him for pompeUi»K his. wife to read his poems. "OH," retorted the poet, "she.ffets even on me by. onaijilnigj me *ef it si©r ; cakes." ••'.'■•' .' ' . * ** "Yes," she sneered, during one o£ their frequetft quarrels, "I married, you for pity, and now—" "You do not get any," lie interrupted, "for all our friends lavish it on me." • . • - • ■' . A young Lothario of 10 years has been committed for trial at Kimherley (South Africa) on a charge. of abducting a girl of ls. The pair were stopped, as •tlvey ware boarding t«e mail train at Johannesburg.. •'< * - •' . To mark their appreciation of Mr Andrew Mack's faithful studies m. Irish men, and li\sh life, as contrasted with the usual burlesque of such studies, the Irish residents of "Auckland are moving with a view to • making a suitable presentation* to that gentleman. •. • • «. A famous French economist is about to form an "Anclci-Franco-? Celto-Giallo^Latdno-Slav-Sca'nidjnaviani League to combat the. German hegemony of Europe !" Fancy having., at a late hour, to tell your "wife that) you hail been to a meeting of. tfcai League. ■ ' "^ " ■:. - ■ t -:>-:y*r:xi!-^ •£*•*s'*(?'-<■■■':"<'--'*■■ ■ ■: ' ' ■ "Tihehest and safest businessability concerns itself exclusively with the thing immediately under its nose," says an American paper. A; franker recognition of the fact that an American business man'-s cfoiefesli asseit is ihis jmouth, Critic does noli rememiber tovingi read. ; .•" # • # • We watch the football bounce and ■bump, And jerseyed fiends each other, dump*, As down the "field "they scatter ; 'Tis good to sec them scrum and pot* And line out as the fray grows hot. Whilst on the hill the critics sprawl And yell to them: "Play»on the ball* Go m and win and shatter !", • ■■■■■«■ * The Town Clerk of Hastings' has received the. first irtsta'lmen't 'of -the grant fry Mr A.Carnegie of £2500 for the Hastings' Public Library. Quite so. And when the student handles a (book, let him think of murdered . miners amd mecha»nics . and their/wives abd orphans, and let tiein rememiber how the canny Scot treated them. ■ ■ • ■#; • ' • v - Mr Jack Williamson, the champion flax cutter of the coast, has. just had a windfall m - the shape of £28,000 left him by ' some relatives m America. He arrived m Hokitika from the South a week ago. Re-? ■:■ ocntly he visited Greymouth, • and meeting a brother he learned ; of big ' unexpected good fortune. ; Now ' fls~ won't cut -flax no more and no how. • ■!.., ' • • ■•■•.• • ' "I. was 35 ye-oars in.Nop Zilland, and, wwJger frleeve it, \vh*jh 1 cum odt.l spake naething but Gaelic?" whispered a braw laddie : . on the tram the other day. "What .language 46 you speak now •?"■ asVed the chap just taken into his confidence ; "it. seems like a mixture of Yiddish and Erse." You'll get a hearse sooni enotygh," said the now excited Hiclanmon, "without insulting people twice your size." * * • THOSE TIMID GIRLS. The timid maidens oft collapse From ultra meekness, From some internal grief, perhaps, Or maybe weakness; They totter, give a single gasp, You cry, "What is it ?" Meanwihile their slender waists 'you clas-p With clench illicit. I would mot timid maids decry, There's nougjbt can match 'cm 1 ; But would they' wilt so oft, if t»y, ' No arms to catch '«m. "ROMANCE." , They say that all romance has fled— The stir of goMm 'days is dead ! They tell how knights m armor brig-lit Kissed warm red lips, then went to fight. They see these scenes m Shakespeare's plays, , And cry : "By .Gad ! Those th« days I" Forsooro, but all tliis seems to me A maudlin sort of fallacy* 1 ! Our skies are blue^-our girls are fair, As m those boasted times— l'll swear ■! . Our men as brave as men long deaij*The wine is just as rich and red. Ah !. let us sing, flirt, drink' and dance— The world it* stall filled Witti Romaioc^l