THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 75, 24 November 1906, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rags ? Ornoteunmovedhdsmentioninthe Critic's page? Parade his error m the public eye ? And Mother Grundy's rage defy ? More waste less speed. • • • Words on the weather flock together. It's a safe lane that has no motorcar m it. •, « • A rolling Christian never changes his name to Moss. • • • Money is the root of all evil, but we're all keen on spadework. • • • What's bred m the bone is charged up as meat m the butcher's bill. • • • Never put ofi till to-morrow what you can get some one else to do today. ■- t • • Wine is a mocker, alcohol is raging, But who remembers when Hebe's engaging ? * • * Where there's a will there's delay, often a fray, and always a lawyer's bill to pay. Three things that never agree :— Two cats over one mouse, two wives m one house, and two lovers after one lady. » • • A thing of joy he used to be, A carpet knight I trow ; But he was wed last year, and, gee, He's just a doormat now. • • • When two women walk up the street holding hands it does not mean' anything, but when two men bold hands on the street it means that one or both are drunk.

<l Yes," said the dear old lady of Miramar during the recent encampment, "I do love to see the mounting elfantry doing their convolutions and manuring over the ground." • • •■ ■ i

When the Sult a n of Turkey recently smashed /the crockery and scared his wives m his palace on the Bosphorus, a New York paper headed the cabled account "A, Harem Scar 'em Sultan.

The prick of an evil tongue is evidence of an evil mind, and when anyone is so pricked there is always solace m the knowledge that an evil conscience is the grandmother of the evil tongue.

In Bohemia, courtships average 20 years. Perhaps all the love-makinp; is done m the dark, 'otherwise ono can't understand the old man's patience m <hat troublesome liUle matter ol Uu; monthly gas bills. .

The man who is always saying he can't be bought is generally the easiest bribed.

The "Wairoa Bell's "leader the other day was on ."The Egg Industry." What's up?? Is an ' election pending up the swift water ? ,

£30,000 odd was raised by the Salvation Army m N.Z. by the selfdenying process. Oh, how Booth must laugh m his sleeve at the fool*. • « •

To the vas-t majority of people who are constantly wondering why they were born, life- is a round of misery with a junk of Sheol thrown m.

A publican can't claim for drinks supplied over the bar, nor Can an indignant burglar put m a' claim for loss of time when he enters a: house and finds nothing valuable to cart away. v

People who constantly flourish thejr uninteresting personali ties m printusually have ,more spare time on their hands than a clock. But unlike a clock, they never stop and rarely strike.

A witness at the Christchurch Supreme Court t'other day mentioned that he drank a pony beer on a certain occasion. "Pony neer," repeated Judge Denniston, "a technical term, I presume." Smiles. :

Says a gentleman deeply interested m the hotel trade: '."The 'Times' and 'Post,! Damn the .■ 'Times' and •Post.' They cater for the parsons and their push, and crawl on their bellies for ads. from the publicans." What an epigrammatic truth !

Master William Braithwaite Manson—a young Dunedinite— lias been offered an appointment to sing m the choir of His Majesty's Royal Chapel. Billy is the , son of a deceased musician and singer and inherited his remarkable voice..

A unique gatherin"- took place at Melbourne during October, when Councillor Brokenshire (Mayor of Ballarat City\ himself a teetotaller, entertained 32 other teetotaller mayors. Lord, how their tongues must have waggled. Fancy a mayor, Particularly a Victorian and a teetotal one, growing eloquent on gingerpop.

Mr Ramsay Macdonald, M.P., told an audience at Dunedin the other day that the first time he had ever been to a race meeting, or seen a jockey astride a horse, was at the New Zealand Cup meeting at Christchurch last week. Well, he knows something now ; but had he struck that double the "cause" might have been m danger.

Female gaol warders as a rule have forbidding countenances, which perhaps are their best recommendation. There was, however, an exception to the rule m the Criminal Court during the week. She was charming, yet nervous, and did not seem to like to face the court. The prisoner, a female, wasn't bad-looking herself; but the warder ; oh, my ; even the ( jury couldn't keep their eyes off her.

Probably the most valuable of 'all city churches is that of All Hallows, m Lombard-street, London. It is said that the site of this, ancient church is worth £800,000. Yet the entire population of AH Hallows' parish is well under, 300 ; while the average congregation •attending the church is 26. Is it any wonder then that the starving unemployed m Great. Britain seize Church lands.

How 7 is this for mean basics the "Waimate Witness") ? A little boy went into a storekeeper's shop, not a hundred miles from the top of Mt. Egmont, and asked for a pound of dates. The storekeeper weighed them out, but there happened to be a little bit overweight, so he took a date from the bag, broke it, and put back m the bag the stone to make it even. He ate the fruit himself.

At a recent carnival of cant at Christtihurch Bishop Julius urred his black-coated brethren to put on their worliing dress ; to leave the pulpits and so out into the streets. "God help us all," said the prelate, "we are too respectable." But why does not Bishop Chulius Julius set an example to. his brethren and go out m the streets ? As for sky-pilots being too respectable, we have only his word for that.

As illustrating the statement made elsewhere that Australia is a queer place filled with .queer people who meet with queer accidents, take the case 'of the man shot m the skull m

the main street of Charters Towers

recently. The bullet was found flattoned m his skull, but "he was not seriously injured." Anything is possible m the way -of national development with a ' race which produces haid-heuded nu-n like this.

"Judas Joe" Chamberlain has -been suffering from gout. Probably he has now felt some of the. pain "his vt&f' policy inflicted o n' the Boers. :

- Scotland yet ! Auld Reekie inflicted' the first defeat on the ,S' African footballers at Glasgie last ' Saturday as ever was. Hoot, mon !, Warrant it took mqny a ffill-.to oelebrate the veeotory.

It is significant* says an exchange, that out of $68 natives m the Whangarei district there are not twore tfhan i.55 ' full-blooded Maoris. They are ' fast mixine; with Europeans. Rather is it that the Europeans are mixing with the Maoris.

"It's a road, that leads to nowheres as it-was," wa,? the remark of a farmer to Barrister Skcrrctt m the Criminal' Court, on "Wednesday, when, he sought information re some, plan or other. What an opportunity for a retort, but it was lost on the barrister.

During tl\e recent show at Waimate there was a sensation. It occurred on the show ground and nine reporters (or less) flunr themselves into the mqlce afid found the police arrcstinc- a drunk. This is eloquent testiniopv that Waimate. is not accustomr/I to. see drunks Avhe~ solitary one excited so much interest. Dicken !' Christchurch as a city has been getting considerably above itself of late. The Exhibition boom has given the city, so -to speak, swelled head. But there will 'be a bump m store for somebody before next year's frosts set m, and then perhaps some of the holy citizens will wake up to the fact that Christchurch is not the hub of the universe after all.

Despite the fact th a t there have baen a number of accidents on Lamb-ton-<quay since the fire;, and though a I "go slow" signal is exhibited, some of the niotor-men on the trams rush along at a great speed,, scaring pedestrians forced to take the road, almost- out of their wits. It's time the Council prosecuted some of its ! servants for breaches of. its own by-laws. * ... • • i DESPITE THE APPENDICITIS j OPERATION. I l o ve you still ;my pride >I quite uni bend, And when you call' be sure I will ati tend*. . I Aye, though the doc has excised my appendix ; yet will I answer and will be thy slave, E'en as before, so, love, unto the end !

A few months aeo the old Theatre Royal was the onl^ theatre available m Ohristohurch (the Opera House beinp- permanently used by Messrs Fullers' cirouits) for visitin" companys. Now they have the choice of two, the Canterbury Hall havino- recently been turned into a theatre, and on Tuesday the foundation of still a third was laid. This will make four theatres m all, which is just about double the number the population can conveniently support.

The , behaviour of. the foreign firemen and crew of the Haversh&m Grange whilst she was. > m flames is another testimony m favor of the British tar for the British ship. Why should , big shipping combines be allowed to emperil the lives of passenpers for the sake of piling up a dividend by cheap foreign labor. The day may come when England will want to supplement her navy from the mercantile marine, and what will she get—a horde of spunkless foreigners.

A specimen of the cowardly tough one meets m New Zealand occupied the dock at the Criminal Court last Wednesday., This was Joseph Reynolds whom a jury made short work. oFby convicting him of a brutal assault on publican John Hurley, of Palmerston North. Hurley, is a man m the prime of life, and as a result of Reynolds havime brutally, kicked him on a vital part of the body, he is ruined phvsioally. ' Chief Justice Stout, when he had the opportunity on Thursday last, taught the tough a well deserved Wesson— one it is hoped that will not be lost on others of ruffian Reynolds kidney.

More than one cheap, Chow-loving newspaper m New. Zealand has printed a par. now going the rounds that the colony is shortly to be honored with a visit from Hwstog Hon Chang, a Chinese^ envoy at present touring: the Commonwealth. The honor is all on one side, and "Critic" trusts the Government, will exact, the poll-tax from the Chow. He is only ?

out the land, and v.«lien he finds how prosperous the yellow brute is m these isjes, he wUI be sure to make it known throughout China, with the result that the colony and the Commonwealth will be nrarri-iraWr invaded ljv the yellow scourge. "T-lon-ored" isn't the word— it should be •'cursed."

"Anglinp: Competition" is what the "Tapanui calls it. •'Critic" Is bid iashioned. enough, to cajl it blanky lyintr. .. , ... ; ' .' * '

God m His mercy sent" the grape, To Mess both great and small ; But little fools, they take too much— I And big fools, none at all.

A diver has recovered the £1,200 sunk m the Murray at Mildura. All the divers m the world could not recover the n^oney sunk m the Cup Carnival.

Many of those who think, it a vice to buy a citrus sample i from i an oro.hffc-man on Sunday would think it a virtue to hang a' Fenian, on the same day.

Some publicans may not know much about the quality of grog, but they bn->T' !\ll about methylated spirits, which adds fire and' flavor to the harmless; beverages. ;

How many men have perished,- arid how much riionsv has been wasted, m the endeavor to reach the- North Pole ? And what eood is going 'to result when it is reached, anyhow ?

The foul faggot that, .behind the shelter of the marriage vow, promiscuously and mercilessly dishonors her trusting husband should be first birched, and then made to work, and work hard.

My. pyjamas, ere we part, Let me fold you to my heart ! Yesterday I thought it best { To -raise wind on my striped vest ; . But to-day you, too, must go, Star Rose's Cup has smashed me so! • « - •

"It is notorious," wrote "John Oliver Hobbes," "that men grow more rapidly , tired of actresses and the professionally light-hearted— whether they follow them or marry them— than they ever do of women who lead quiet lives." '

Hwang Hion Cheng, the Chinese Commissioner, sports , the peacock's feather m the streets of . Melbourne. He's a mandarin of the fourth rank, with a blue button. Outside of that, to look a(t him, he might 1 be Mrs Moriarty's vegetable John.

The poets have gone into trade m Melbourne. Shakespeare is a saddler m Bourke-^street, Cowper keeps a hotel m Collins-street, Dryden has dinins-robms at Hawthorn, Kipling runs a boarding-house at Parkviile, Tom Moore is a dairyman at Richmond, and Tennyson is a dealer at South Melbourne.

I search m vain upon the block For well remembered faces, Biit not a single one have aeen Since the great' Christcliurcli races. They've shouldered swags and sadly turned • Their steps to distant places, Those friends of mine who had such certs, . And I can't find their traces. • « «

The barbarous custom „of sending Door, unfortunate, shattered, groglogged wrecks of humanity to prison for swallowing the stuff that has robbed them of their manhood, or womanhood, is a satire on our alleged civilisation. Why not send them to useful employment under proper supervision and treatment, make them maintain their dependents, and help to reform themselves ? * * *

Morning-tide m Wellington. .Watch the rush and anxious hurry of the toilers— fearifrg to he late and risk their job— to the hives where they slave long hours for a pittance barely enough to keep body and soul together and back decently covered. Later on, m the brave noon glare, mark, driving or motoring down to lord it for a brief space, the wealthy sweaters for whom the toilers snend their sweat, strength, brain and life. Mark and ask ; "How long, oh Lord, how long?"

The treatment meted out to Marion (alias "Willie"). Edwards by the southern police appears to have been of the most brutal description. On her arrival m Sydney she was thrown ruthlessly into a cell m the police court and treated m every respect like a convicted felon. Now, so far as the enquiries of this paper have gone, Miss Marion Edwards led a blameless life m Brisbane, and if she chose to. masquerade m male attire she was no worse offender than the English society dames who make exhibitions of themselves m bloomers or scandalously low bodices. Besides Marion is not accused of murder or manslaughter or incest, or any other revolting crime. The charge against, her is simply that of "entering," and if all of us had been convicted for every time we have "entered" upon premises without the owners' authority oi' kuovJwl ■" ilie <*aols would be lmleinr Hki.- \)w pockets of a plutocrat.— Brisbaue "Tiulh."

The use of lead pipes through -whieHj ; •'to' drawfbeer is prohibited m Victoria by thfe /Board of Health. In, Wellington. leather r luriged old women are trying to put down the use of windpipes through which to pour purge.

One of the beauties of prohibited territories is the fact that they form one. of the chief revenue resources of the colony m the way of the fines inflicted for sly-grog selling. It will never be by parson-fed politics ihat the drunk traffic will be controlled.

Chief Justice Stout evidently intends to put the Habitual Criminals Act into operation. Last Monday he threatened one John Connell with it; biit that individual's youth saved him. ConheU's pet crime is 'forgery, but on Monday a jury convicted him of a horrible, offence of an unusual nature, committed on a boy. The C.J. said the crime was uncommon ; though it had been committed over 2000 years before. Cornell's crime, anyhow, was' a low-down one.

Salvation, of the Booth brand, may make' a man very energetic in^ banging a drum, but doesn't seem to knock tha brute out of human nature all the same. The local Army boasts a big Dutch sergeant, who, after bellowing: through the streets and cadging well for stray coins, goes home and most cruelly thrashes his little 12-year-old daughter. It is sickening to think that such brutes are at liberty at all, but at liberty and preaching the gospel of Him who said "Suffer little children .to come unto me!" Ugh !

The legal gentleman is always smart. "It is his smartness that tells; but there is such a thing as!being too smart. Judging from what reached "Critic's" ear during the week, one of Wellington's smart young lawyers is riding for a fall, and perhaps a hint won't be amiss to him. Touting fortrade is unprofessional, particularly when carried on. amongst prisoners awaiting trial, many of . whom have already engaged legal assistance. The touting lawyer is an undignified spectacle and a blot on the bewchus landscape.

The two constables stationed at Taih&pe are said to work very hard m order to keep the town m a decent state of sobriety. The average number of men locked <up per month m the bush metropolis is foußteen, the total for the year read)?! 1 140. For the week ended October 18, fifteen "beer sinkers" were sobered m the cells, where they were packed like frozen' mutton. One Taihape J.P. has sat on the bench 100 times during the present year, and it is stated that- m oonseqaience of enforced neglect of his business, he is petitioning the State to reimburse him for his loss. .

Religion is all very well as a side line, but when brought right down to a commercial basis, it doesn't pan out tod well for the worker. A storekeeper and baker m a Wellington suburb has a decided "tick"» on. the religious question and spends much time m prayer and hymn-singing. Some of his employees are likewise affected, but there is one who is not. This is a lad who has to work from 3 a.m. until 6, and two nights a week until 10. 30, for which his religious "boss" gives him £1 per week. Those who have enough sense to sing and pray well have a real good time. Their graft consists mostly of watching the unsaved heathen sweat.

Judce Denniston remarked, at the criminal sittings of the Christchurch Supreme Court that it was a matter for congratulation that there was only one case of indecent assault on the calendar ; they had been far too frequent previously. On sentencing the prisoner indicated, his Honor said it was a pity he couldn't be locked up m a place where he would not come m contact with little girls a* all. Well, a lewd brute of this description is certainly 1 a dangerous person when at large, as his vicious, lustful inclinations may lead to the corruption of the young, and a stiff sentence when caught keeps him m a place where he can do no harm.

.- • • ■ • Most lawyers who are defending prisoners an indictable charja. Keep their defence up their sleeve, until the very last moment, and then lire it off at an astonished Crown which has no time to investigate it, and dunno where it are. Judre Denniston thinks this a wrong course to pursue— if the prisoner has a good defence. He believes that m the case of an alibi Being set up it shoxild be brought forward at once, and placed on the depositions, together with the testimony of the Crown witnesses, at the lower court. Counsel for the prisoner, if he had a good defence, a sound defence, couldn't take a more judicious, a more proper course. And if a prominent witness died his testimony would be on record. Most lawyers, however, differ from the judge on this issue, and to those who arc wise to what lensrt&is policemen will, rro to secure c conviction, this is no matter for surprise.