THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 74, 17 November 1906, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

VVho can undaunted brave the Critic's rage ? Or note unmoved hismention m the Critic's page? Parade his error m the public eye ? And Mother Grundy's rage defy ?

Chicago's motto ; It's never too late to can. .* ♦ ♦

There is a big black squall afctead of the great White Czar. • • •

I've no rooted objection to fleas, per se, but I do strongly object to the way they .get their living! • « •

"Marriage and Lunacy' ? is the heading of an article m an exchange. Just as if there is any difference.

Said Olive : "If I had you for a boy I'd leave the bar."' And said the boy. m a tone of alarm ; "Oh, that wouldn't do at all ; I might want a drink."

The win of Star Rose m the N.Z. Cup has proved too much for Waitara.: It's : still drunk and as a lot of people won a pot of money up there, the drunk promises to be a record one.

As a result of a collision between a doctor's motor car and a horse, m Napier the other day, a boy had his wrist badly injured, and the car was ■badl" damaged. Good old "hoss." His day of usefulness isn't over yet, •* • •

Plants grow faster between 4 a.m. and 6 a.m. than at any other time during the day. Gospel ! "Critic" has watched them. When horse-racinsr is a thing of the past, the odds will be laid on an" onion and cabbage sprout.

Talking on the exorbitant prices charged for everything down at Christchurch, the Eltbam paper says a party of four were charged eight shillings for afternoon tea. It's enough to drive an ordinary individual to drink.

Since milk is bringing such a good price, farmers are killing their calves this season, except those from choice cows. Eight thousand were knocked on the head by the axe this season m Taranaki, and since the price of meat hasn't gone down one cent.., who cares.

Look out for a huge smash-up on the Brooklyn tram line. Road-bed sinking bodily for hundreds of yards, and now .stated that drivers and conductors "let her go Gallagher" down the terrific incline, without a hand on a break, the cars just rushing down by their own momentum.

. The complaints against the new West Coast railway are , bitter and strong. Kumara also adds its little •bit of growl, and not without reason. Persons travelling to Greymoutlf by the early morning's train are not able to 1 return till 10 o'clock at nigh!; ; i.e., it takes as long to go to Grreymouth and back as it takes to go to Christchurch.

In Chicago I saw marching a body of working men, 18,000 strong, carrying a banner inscribed : "Our Children's Cry lor Bread." And they marched straight to the picnic ground and drank 1,400 kegs of beer. These are the words of a parson named Sam Small. You can't beat the parson where the. beer is. He smells it like a carrion scenting i vulture.

Down at Tuapeka, Bung, -who finds times dreary aud sad, has taken to importuning passers-by, and like the pieman and Simple Simon, inviting them to taste and try his wares. This touting, of course, has raised the ire of the prohibition person and he shrieks loudly against; "a reprehensible practice." The simple country paper, when invited to express its opinion on the matter says : "We do not think there is anything m the Act governing hotelkeepers to prevent them offering hospitality." Anyhow Bun"- generally acts as if there was such a law.

An advt. is usually better than the gpods it speaks bi''" '-■■■ ■■■■•#•'■■'•.. ■ • •

,' Woman's s.infulness 'is encouraged and .subsidised by man..

Far too many individuals swallow their wages from, a glass. . ■ . ' # « • ;

True love rims smoothly enough on the Exhibition water chute. ,

The clerical cove is looked upon as an encumbrance by the majority of the community.

Nearly every person who borrows a book looks instinctively to see if the name of the owner is inscribed.

•The town of Gore has been "dry" for years, and it is only now that it is thinking of going m for a water cart.

The parson who preaches pompously, about, goodness usually finds his creed far too idealistic for his own personal use.

"How is Christelmrch looking ?" asked a local man of a • returned visitor. "Well, it's a regular Sodom and Gomorrah," was the reply.

More, than one woman who went to Riccarton v a( * s wore odd stockings for luck, but the public didn't have the luck to get a glimpse of them.

I see they made Petticoat favorite for the* Railway Handicap at the Carter ton races. Idiots ! They mi-rat have known that Petticoat was bound to go under.

The Christchurch hotels are opening much earlier than customary m the mornings, and the system is justified judging by the crowd who swarm m to fill their holds with a lfquid cargo. • # •

Some men with the sporting instinct must get even at any price. A Northern man, who was successively beaten at a wood-chopping contest, a wrestle, a. scratch-pulling match, and a barc-k-nuckle fight, by another 'strong man m the township, finally ended up by doiaig- a flit with his rival's' young missus. Their next contest will probably take place with wood axes.

At Dunedin, the . other day, a. sinner, who m an ex-publican, named John baffey, was fined £2 for travelling on the Government railways on a reporter's ; ticket. The fact that he was an ex-publican ought t6 have satisfied all and sundry that LaSey was on a crook lay. Reporters, as a rule, never get near owning a pub, though they help to pay the rent and swell the profits.

The "Alexandra Herald" doesn't want to be a Mahomet going to the mountain, h>anoe its recent threat to backward patrons : "We feel that we will be compelled to make a personal visit to our various patrons m the near future, and to avoid this we would prefer to see them come to our office and pay their accounts without any hesitation." The newspaper man as a bum-bailiff or a persistent dun is a unique figu/re.

The wild-eyed anti-gambling wowsers are beginning to cause indignation and protest from even a large section of broad-minded parsondom. A suburban shepherd told his congregation last Sunday night that the hysterical interference of some members of the clergy m the realms of sport was bringing the black coat into disrepute : throughout the land, and the sooner their splatter of spleen fizzled out the better it would be for everybody.

A chambermaid m an hotel at Cortina d'Ampezzo, m the Tyrol, recently asked one of the lady quests for a remedy for toothache. The lady gave her dilute carbolic acid. The maid applied it externally and burnt her cheek. The maid demanded and received £2 for doctor's expenses . The lady was next summoned on a charge of administering poison, and. fined £2. Two days later she had a further summons to pay £40, or to go to gaol for three months, whereupon she left the country. ■ . .

Christcburch possesses some darned dirty citizens. One of the filthiest houses m Christendom was ordered to be destroyed lately and the occupant, a dirty brute na/ned Charles David Scott, was fined for being responsible for such an atrocious nuisance, which was becoming a pest 0 and an eyesore. The place was filled with all sorts of smellful odds and ends, gathered from all parts, but with what object did not appear. The fellow admitted m the box that he hadn't had a bath for a couple of years, but there were some present who were inclined to dis-believc this statement. The court should havj ordered him to have a bath, and +o have his clothes disinfected, or renewed, at the Corporation's expense. Both were cc.rtaialy necessary.

Dieu et mon-ro. Motto for the Christchurch Zibishun. • » «

Large stains on a man's character are often overlooked if he is also goldstained.

The sporting hearse driver is usually credited with some knowledge when he discusses "dead birds," *■ « •

The design of the new union label m Melbourne is m a triangle. The distinctive stamp of Chow furniture is a triangle. Whaffor ?

Prostitution is a passion, a religion, with those women who have lost their grip . on the moral ladder,, and &re thrown overboard by society.

Some one should bring out a booklet entitled "How to think m Maori" for the benefit of visitors ,to the native pah at the big Christchurch show,

If every mother talked to her girls about the immoral as well as the moral life, they wouldn't be so easily led astray when the plausible, softvoiced tempter happened into their lives.

Bees have a way whereby they eliminate the useless drones. That is where the bees set a pace to man. But bees have no way of making a worker out of a drone, and that's where man scores one on Brer Bee.

A country paper's apology : "We have to ask' the indulgence of our readers for the paucity of reading matter m this issue. Yesterday, beins the King's Birthday, our staff was an holiday bent." The indulgence is condoned.

Three breweries have depots on the outskirts of the Invercargill prohibited district these days, and do a good biz. m tanglefoot. : Also, there are innumerable place? where whisky and other cordials, mostly stomach poisoners, may be obtained, and the pink eyes know where it is sold, too.

Will the individual who won the Star Rose-Captain Shannon double of £206! kindly disclose his identity, not necessarily for publication, to "Critic," who is sick unto death of reading of that lucky individual who takes the form of man, woman and boy three or four times a week—in the country press.

The helter-skelter at the Exhibition is a hilarious frolic' ; one has to take care, else he will come down on his back with heels m the, air. Any number of girls come down m this position, although it isn't the correct one, and there are frequent visions of flowing draperies and other things. The crowd at the bottom roar joyously, and the fair creatures are caught by an attendant,, and are passed aside with tingling ear?. These little exhibitions are very popular. When a girl takes on the game a second time she knows what to do.

The reckless placing of rabbit poison by the (government rabbiter near two Maori kiangas m the Waikato caused the death of 11 breeding sows, 33 suckers' 14 pigs, 6 head of cattle, and one horse, belonging to the natives. As the census enumerator remarked, it* seems rather hard that the privations owing to blight and frost should be intensified by the action to suppress the rafabi't pest which they did. not introduce into the country. The rabbiter paid no attention to the protests of the natives before the noison was laid.— "Hastings Standard."

The fact that the Government has lobstered and realeased Mr J. J. K. Powell from his contract to supply the Petone-Wellington railway reclamation with big stone facing from the Pencarrow quarry, is proof of the truth of every line printed m "Truth's" recent article on the subject: The Department is going to work the quarry on its little own, its "experts" being certain there is lots ol "good" stone at Pencarrow. Meanwhile it is buying stone from two. real quarries (one is contractor Powell's) and the miblic will do well to watch how much— unless previously rejected stuff— comes from Pencarrow.

Arise! awake! husbands of Welling;-* ton. The Mormons are here looking for disciples, and they seem to dote on good-looking housewives. Several complaints have been made to me on the rather indiscreet talk of these Mormon- mug-wumps, ,-ancl it seems that more than one has bumped up against a husband not supposed to bo on the premises at the time. These Mormon missionaries always select an hour when the husband is presumed to be at work, to unload their leaflets— literature they call it, and fill up the missus with hot-air about the advantages of being a Brigfoam Youngite. There is an advantage— with the polygamous prophet..

It is only the country girl -who blushes now-a-days ; the frilly city female has forgotten the way.

Moderation, Equanimity, Work and Love. A motto that will banish the physician and the professional reli-gion-monger.

'■- The essence of power lies m reserve, but it is *s well to remember that sullenness and reserve are not synonymous terms.

A plague of "black beetles and other insects infested Sydney last week, Wonder if there is anything m the old theory about men taking the form of animalSj and vice versa. Anyhow the beetle-crushers were kept going air day.

Policemen oa duty at the Exhibition are pretty quick at people who unthinkingly start to "light up" m the building, but there wasn't one game enough to tackle Sirjoe Ward when he was busy with a fat Havana one day last week.

It is a bad practise for parents to permit children to suck the remaining drops left m lemonade and other bottles. A little three-year-old girl at West Oxford (Canterbury), who couldn't distinguish one battle from another, died last week. She had got •hold of a bottle containing carbolic. Careless parents who leave poison lying round promiscously should be flogged at the cart tail.

The meanest man m Melbourne to date was summoned by an undertaker for £7 10s, burial fees. It appeared that the party who died and caused all the trouble was a close relation of the mean fellow, and had bequeathed his wife some hundreds of acres of land and £600 m cash. Then, after receiving this windfall, neither husband nor wife would pay the "burial fees of the poor old relative, until compelled t-o do so by the Court.

"The bigger the rogue the better the luck," seems to be as much the rule now as it was m the days of Aesop. Every week can be seen m our police courts persons fined heavily for using disgusting language while under the influence of bad beer, but the' contemptibly mea"n thief, who has hitherto borne a good character, has friends galore who sweat he is a living saint, and the magistrate lets the culprit down lightly.

The political female who can mount a public platform and indulge m hysterical platitudes fancies herself a very important personage. But the decision of the mob of magging woman suffragists to go to gaol for a two "months' stretch instead of finding sureties— an easy matter for them, —ought to be received with delight by the bored Commons, who for the time being will be able to dodge the bustling attentions of these masculine women.

For two weeks m succession a letter posted m Dunedin and plainly addressed to "Eltham, Taranaki," has tech sent to Hobart. The reason of the blundering we can surmise. The letter-sorters m the southern city have been speculating m Tattersall's tickets, and until they ascertain the result of their enterprise they are a bit flustered and cannot distinguish between Taranaki and Tasmania. Now that the Melbourne Cup has been run the addresses of letters will be more carefully read.— " Eltham Argus."

Alexander, the singing evangelist, who, with Dr. Torrey, took away a lot of Australasian gold, struck trouble m America t'other day when he forced the members cf the Society for the Propagation of Scandal (which are pretty numerous) to admit that they libelled him m making the statement that Mr Chas. Alexander, the evangelist, had been married before he married Miss Cadbury, and had deserted his wife and children m America. Prominent Americans who have known Mr Alexander for many years, state that such a statement is a deliberate 'falsehood. Anyhow, where there's smoke, fire is sure to be found, -and he's a bounder and a hypocritical humbug, anyway.

: The Maori knows something. At the Gireytown S.M.s Court, two men were fined a couple of quid apiece for supplying wine to a couple of Maori women at the Papawai pa. It appears that certain ceremonies of a more or less religious character were being performed, and the wine was used as part of the Maori rite. The magistrate spoke to the defendants as to the absurdity of the Maori tohun.'xa. being able to cure all ills, and made the fine the minimum. After the case was over the Maoris argued, why should the Maori minister (Rev. Mr. Williams) be able to administer wine and these two not ? In, the circumstances, they say. they will not allow the Rev. Mr Williams to administer wine m the Sacrament at the pa m future.