THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 70, 20 October 1906, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage ? Or note unmoved his mention m the Critic s psgo Parade his error m the public eye ? And Mother Grundy's rage dofy ? A human sponge— the beer absorber. God sent the printers and the Devil sent the books. .• " * A very. very old prohibition order —that acrainst adultery. • » • A country exchange asks : "Is Ranjitsinhji a jam ?" Yes. Blackcurrant. ••• • . . A notable thing about the average Maori clothes line is the absence of a certain article of female apparel. • ' • •* . ' . ■ . The Jews no doubt consider the Russians veritable pigs. Still, metaphorically speaking, they'd like to eat them. • • • A Christchurch noveau riche, who set out on a holiday lately, was asked by a friend on the train if he had his missus with him. "No," was the reply, "I'm travelling incogniter." • • •* It is extremely satisfactory to note that, according to the Christchurch Magistrate's Court returns for last quarter, there were no crimes against "religion, morals and convenience" recorded. •• • • Games of football and hockey at Port Albert were abandoned the other day because of the hardness of the Port Albert recreation ground. Evidently they reckon football and hockey acquatic sports, up at the port. • • • A" thirsty Timarusian, fined for entering a pub on Sunday, pleaded that he hadn't had a drink, and had only been m the place 30 seconds. "Yes, because we had you hauled out •by that time," replied the sergeant. • • • It seems that cadging for Lord Ranfurley's white elephant, the Auckland Veteran's Home, is to be an annual affair. The hat is. once again being passed around m Christohurch. However, so long as there is no cringing and crawling to Carnegie we have something to be thankful for, we suppose. * • * Judging by the way the magsmen and hold-up gentry are centering at Christchurch, to harvest the mug crop and flourish the sand-bag of peace, perfect peace, respectable elderly citizens who do not want to have their cadavers laid to rest unidentified would do well to have their name and address stencilled on their liver-pad, as being the least likely to be stripped off them when they, go down. * * * When a stray infant is left on a stranger's doorstep, and he don't owoi it. and it is hamded over to the police, and the police m turn hand it over to a Home, the Education Department decides what religion the nipper shall be brought up m. Now, which departmental officer is entrusted with the task of handing round religions to squalling babes who have no present use for 'em ; and how is the blessed business managed ? Does he give each church its soul m turn ? This is a very pertinent question, and '•Critic" is extremely anxious to know. ♦ ♦ * The most fearful and wonderful thing that is happening m Christchurch this week is the Canterbury Band of Hope Union Musical and Elocutionary Contests. There are nine nights of it, and the total number of items catalogued is 220. "Critic" notices that the piano has been kindly lent by some one or other. Well, it won't be worth much after the devil-pounding it will get at this soiree. Most of. the recitations are redolent of the cork— "Murdered by drink," "The wretched Drunkard," Satan and the Grogseller," Serpent m Wine," and so on. There is one among the rest that might be mentioned, "The Bridal jWinecup," but ~ riter doesn't know I whether it's loaded oj not.

Adam Cowan, who comes to pilot the "Man .frpm b . Mexico" show m New . Zealand :^is ; -making his fortyninth trip to this country. • ■•.-.'•■■■ •. About time the Manawatu Railway Company started running. Sunday trains. The religion retailing rummies will rouse a bit, but that's only a detail. Nothing narrow-minded about the Exhibition Executive. Sent to a Dun-, edin printer for their opening day in-, vitation tickets. But what is wrong with the Christchurch printers, anyhow ? ■«■ * • The blackbird does not subscribe to the eight-hour movement. He starts to pour forth his liquid orizons to the day, long before anything that can be taken to represent daylight is evolved out of the velvet pall of riipht. » * • How up-to-date the daily press is ? It has just awakened to the fact that Wellington wants a more efficient fire brigade and is taking the City Council to task over its ineptitude. "Truth, always has to first Roint out the duty the press owes to the public. There is an inordinate demand for second-hand furniture m Christchurch just now by citizenesses who want to let private rooms to Exhibition visitors. These will have to doss them down on a second-hand chair, lounge on a second-hand couch ami strum a second-hand piano, but so lons as the meals are first-class and the terms second-class there should be no grumbling. • . . • * Very swift paper the Christchufrcli "Spectator." Winds up a paragraph re the Norton-I-laynes case with "Mr Norton was at one time a member of Parliament." If things happen so suddenly m the "Spectator " office that a date of a few weeks back is referred, as "at one time," how would the editor refer to that dim "and distant date when he was able to tack I M.H.R. to the tag end of his monni- i ker? » * • A Masterton paper says : "At the Mefhodist missionary sale on Thursday, Miss Fisher won the nail-driv-ins: competition, and the Rev. J. N. ButtL won the hat-trimming competition." Which disproves, of course, the old saying that women cannot hit" a nail square on the head without damaging their "grabs." As for the parson winning the hat-trimming competition , it only proves that the third sex are poaching: on the preserves of the sometimes sweet second sex. • • * I. It isn't always necessary to go to Ireland for "bulls." A native-born | Eketahunaite is responsible for the following : It was at a free and easy and one individual was quite content [to paper the wall and consume the grub without paving a v;orcl to say to anybody. A voluble friend remonj rlratcd with him for his lcx!c of conversation and want of sociability to whiGh he, replied, "Oh, it takes all sorts to make a world. You can do my share of talking." "That's all right," said his friend, "but all the isame you needn't sit there chewing j the cud, like a ruminating woodhen." "Much concern was created at Clevedon, Somerset, on a recent Suntday morning by a Roman Catholic clergyman administering m church a rebuke to a number of ladies, whom he charged with propensity for scandal. Father Leonard, who was the i celebrant at Mass, turned round, and, addressing the congregation, said that whilst discharging the duty of visiting Clevedon Catholics he had been the victim of scandal through the idle gossip of a group of Catholic ladies m the parish. As a consequence, he had no intention of further discharging that particular parochial duty, and he advised those ladies responsible for the discreditable gossip and scandal to pray that they might becoi s virtuous. He would see any of then who desired to meet him." Now ph.* hat the divvle has his rivrance been up to ? • • • They've started a. week's "mission" m the hall m Thingammy-lane, off Manners-street, and on Sunday night the smell of the elect was . so absolutely sickening that the boss gordteaser stopped the show and ordered those nearest the windows to open 'em wide and quickly. Astounding how foully dirty these "good" people are. Undoubtedly it was that which suggested dipping to John. The main guy. m his address, referred to the "good work" at Waihi. Lord love a duck, what for ? Tirue these gospelsharps had Waihi mad for a week or two— the poor devils were dry-rotting previously— but they came sane almost immediately and now the only sign of the "revival" is more drunkenness and a burning feeling of shame m those who were worked unon to "tesUifv." And the chief chortler of omv jdav night warted Wellington to be '■like Waihi. Gosh •

A Chow named You Til was fined two quid the other day for working a lame horse. . Must have missed part of Ms name out ; Work You Till You drop should be his full cognomen.. • * » Some rich Cockney has bequeathed a million of boodle for aged and -needy persons m thY match-making industry It might be useful when scattered among the needy, but for the aged— well the tomb-stone makers might benefit by it. • • m A' youngster at the Levin school stole, a purse containing about £7 the other day. The Ideal policeman and a Wellington demon spent much time and labor looking for the thief ; ' but they'd have been • looking yet, if he hadn't come along and confessed. A drunk told Dr. McArthur at the S.M.s Court last Monday that he would go out of town that day. "I bet you won't," said the Beak.- What is now troubling "Critic" is whether a Police Court E:nch is a place within the meaning of the Act. • * * The Smith tribe seem pretty numerous down at Greymouth. A marriage was recently celebrated there the bride bc'ng a Miss Smith, the bridegroom a r.fr William Smith, the bridesmaids (three) Misses Smith, best man a Mr Smith, groomsmen (two) Messrs Smith, and there were also guests by the names of Smith and Sniythe present. As other Smiths are bound to follow, unlike the Moa, the species will not become extinct m a hurry. it c • A woman named Christina Ross, charged the other day at the Police Court with drunkenness and at- : tempted suicide told Magistrate McArthur that £-li 2 was under the influence of cb!o::Jyne at the time. These victims are becoming fairly prominent m the Police Court lately. Heaven alone knows how many alleged drunks picked^up helpless m V.\o streets are not victims to this and other insidious drugs. Chlorodyne always has a ready sale, and apparently it is not hard to guess the reason why. • • • Somebody has complained to the Inspector for the Prevention of Cruelty, etc., about the number o£ stray dogs running round' Newtown without food, and the said inspector has referred the matter to the dog inspector. Just what the do^ man is going to do about it i n't stated, but it is not suggested that he go round with a few yards of beef steak and feed V ? hungry curs. What's wrong with driving them down to the lion's cage. The dogs would lose their hungry feeling and .so would the lion— a double blessing-. • . p p . ■ The "Prusbyteerians" at Clutha have been gathering: unto themselves all the wisdom necessary, m their opinion, for the proper conduct of the "Prv.jbyteerian" newspaper, "The Outlook." Ten golden rules have been adopted, and if the editor cannot be successfully bound hand and foot by them nothing will ever keep him m control. Strange to say, he is not commanded not to get drunk. This ommission is probably due to the effect that rule 4 will have. Itjs "That m order to enlighten the work the Assembly appoint editors of departments, such as missions, young people's interests, literary, ecclesiastical news, etc., etc. • • w The Rev. J. Hobbs, Vicar of St. Matthews, at Hastings, evidently knows good fellows when he meets them. At a recent parish meeting he said he knew pretty well everybody r and kept m touch with all m his parish. There was, however, a section of his parish which he would be glad to be better aoquainted with, viz., that connected with racing. He was glad to see so many members of that class ppresentt t and hoped that the present gathering would be only the means of a growing friendliness. And "Critic" might sling the tip that he won't forget the plate the day after a race meeting. G-osh, how it would pan out, if the sports have been lucky. • . ♦ * Re the alluring opium habit. A gentle-eyed, velvet-voiced lady spoke of it to writer t'other day. She had been ill and suffered awful pain and her doctor injected morphia, for about a fortnight. Then she was convalescent and undertook to go without her nightly dose. Nurse told her it was madness, but she had felt her own yielding to the insidious drug and braced herself to a night without it as preferable to a final surrender to it. The craving and sleeplessness were maddening, but by dawn she had won out and lay an exhausted but feebly triumphant wreck, her nightgown sleeves torn to shreds by her teeth and her face smothered m blood from the wounds she had bitten m her wrists and forearms. She carries the scars yet. Truly the thing does not end with the prick of the needle and the ensuing surcease from pain, and medical men should think twice before starting m to manufacture opium fiends . i

A warning from America might well be heeded by local coppermen. A policeman at Hackensack, New Jersey, has been suspended from duty for snoring so loudly on duty; as ; tobe a nuisance to the public.;. • • « The Rev. F. P. Dunford, vicar of All Souls Church, Hastings, has started a -crusade against "immodest," costumes worn by women on the beach. CSseld anything else be expected from 5 parson ? All is yellow to the jaundiced eye. • • « Canny Cove Carnegie, who is doing his library act all over the shop, has, it was recently stated, £55,000,000 to burn. Carnegie has one daughter, Margacet, who suffers from an incurable and acute disease of the hip. For many months- Miss Carnegie has been unable to walk except with the aid of crutches, and it is feared that the poor little girl, who is thirteen years old, will at best have to resign herself to a life of inactivity, if not actual pain. The sin of the parent is getting m early on the first generation. But isn't it pitiful. His untold, ever-increasing wealth may woirk wonders, but it will never heal a sick child or make him happy. * « « This parson-cursed country again. Up at Masterton recently a charge apainst Alexander Reside for having transacted business on Sunday, Sept. 30, it not being a work of necessity, was dismissed. Sergeant Millar, m his evidence, said that on the date m question he saw defendant and six other persons drafting cattle, after which some were driven away. Defendant • said it was necessary to draft th 3 cattle, and get them away to crass, as they had just arrived after bein.o; twelve days on the road. ."And he said unto them, What man shall there be among you, that shall have one sheep, and if it fall into a pit on the Sabbath day, will he not lay hold on it, and lift it out." * •'■■■• ' j The "Kaikoura Star" is m a blue I funk, as will be seen,, from the following :— "Effrontery !— In the "Weekly Press" of Sept. 26, tier: is a reproduced photograph of the Parliamentary press gallery representatives, and m it appears Geo. Reriher, as representing the "Kaikoura Star." It would.be most interesting to know how this i dividual happens to appear m the photograph, and m the Gallery, as representing this paper without our authority. It is our intention to communicate with the Chairman of the Press Gallery, and others m authority, and probe this gross piece of injustice to us to the bottom." Anyhow, it strikes "Critic" that the individual who undertakes to represent the "Kaikoura Star" m the Parliamentary Press Gallery isabout to undertake his own funeral. • • » The. latest instance of cold gall and unparalleled impudence that has come under notice is recorded below, and . takes the cake, for sure ! A boot buyer m a big way of business m Christchurch, after much hesitation, decided to take unto himself a wife to share his joys and sorrows (poor woman !). Not being blessed with a vast number of flrk-ds, he hit on what he ■ v ';.:..^ht was a good scheme for raking m the presents. With this shrewd intention he posted to all the manufacturers with whom he had dealings a little epistle, written by his own hand on one of his bill-heads, informing V '— > that he was going to be married, and asking them not to forget him re wedding presents ! As the worldly-wise gent was a large buyer, several firms meekly complied with the audacious request, rather than lose the prospective bridegroom's custom. Here is an exact copy of the inspiring memorandum :— " Christchurch, Sept. 15, 1906.— Sir,— I am getting married on the 19th September, and I trust you will kindly. remember me re wedding present.— Yours respectfully, 1" • •. • Timid people down Christchurch wav are now developing the habit of advertising for good watch dogs, being apparently apprehensive of visits from others than friends during the approaching big show carnival. Certain it is. that Bill Sykes, and the pickpocket, and the plausible confidence man, and the mean sneak thief, and others of that scoundrelly fratenity who plunder people for a livelihood, will muster m pretty good force from all parts of the oolonv and the Commonwealth, and it will take a pretty strong police force to look after the vermin. That has be&n arranged for, and m order to keep a lynx eye on the professionals from other States, 'tecs are coming over from Australia on a little holiday In fact one won't be able to meander anywhere, without jostling a peeler and' beting his pardon. But there are always mugs m every crowd, and m ever- street car, and m every pub, and m the most unlikely places, and the likelihood is there will be a good crop of victims between now and shut up time. Some of these thieving nomads would j take a parson down for his shirtassuming, of course, that he wore a I shirt.