THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 58, 28 July 1906, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

•• ■• ■ : "'. ' -' ,' — .'♦■-■., — ; — .' ■ • ..-Who can nnclaunted brave the Critic's rage ?; . r ; Parade his; error in the ptiblic eye ?■ ■ .And Mosher,Grijncl3!:'B rasedefy.'? I 'A' safe tip— "rain pjobable/? ■ r ' [ . . • , * * ■ * -■' \ Returns show that the Salvarmy^ I has 9,000 brass bands. Salvation?- --! *. * * Feildfng, with ita 4000 ; ,odd inhabit--ants, can't sport a hospital of its own yet. Ye gods ! • ' #• ■ • There are now over 100 boys at? Burnham , Industrial School, and a. beautiful crowd they are. ■• . • '• ■* ■ *■ . '■ . Young Zeaiandia is far more capa--ble of carrying his load of swankey, than most people give him credit for. Palmerston the palmy stinks of the pestiferous Chow. Wun Lung and Ah Cow monopolise the laundry and fruit businesses. ..* ' * .. , ■* ■ ■ ' • Pepper was the name of a Police Court during the week. Bealc McArthur made it hot enough for him, too. "■ » • ■•■-.,■ « A man may >et choked bv tjie food he is consuming, but he takes fine care that his beer shall 'never play a trick like that. .» * •' . 'A!-' man- shouldn't be- disturbed at his prayers, but the collection plate •cove will do anything in that line without compunction. * * . « . [ IA: chance for Shylock— Wanted, position as General Clerk, Traveller or [ Canvasser ; salary no object. Apply M 'Progress, "r "Herald'? Office. : ■•■ ■■. ;• ■■.'• , . '■■ : Twenty-six cases of. advertising matter were brought to Maoriland- by, the Miowera. That's the way some . people promote local industry* . j. ■ • « • •' '«•■ i "Breezes in the Council Chamber." I Heading iu a countrv exchange. "Critic" hop.es there was hot a whifl of cloves in^the said breeze* * ». • " Travellers to Feilding, nowadays should include a small punt among } their kit. It comes handy in negotia.ting the main, streets of : the town. I (•''■♦■'* i The farmer who. has ten acres of : land in 'Japan is regarded as a mon- ' opolist. Wonder what the monopolist thinks of New; South Wales land ■ agents.. * w. V Queer how* so many blacksmiths take to music and join brass bands. [They evidently require the iron that [has entered their souls biffed out by 'the dulcet strains of the big drum. : ' • • ■ « . . , to A' post office clerk has just been transferred from Woodville after doing duty there for sixteen years. And yet they made a martyr of Dreyfus, who only, spent 4£ years on Devil's S Island., I- . * * ». , . ; 'Al "Girl's Letter" in a contemporarv says that "the gown was a mixture of lawn, ch'ambray, pongee, albatross, and challis." And yet the mere man is satisfied with, a coat ancj ' pair of trousers. r ' *■ '»■■■.#"' • . ! The farce of fining prohibited perI sons still continues. Why don't the police let up on the thirsty souls and give the purveying publican a taste of what Licensing Laws can* do. It's a lop-sided Law, anyhow, \ ■ . * • '' ■ . f ■ ■■. If anyone wants ,to see a pretty .display, of football, worthy of the great Wallace himself, let him hie to the Recreation Ground, New Plymouth, on Thursday afternoons. But the language ; oh ! the language.; * " ■ .. ♦ * T'other day, at the Sydney .Central Police Court; there were a baker's dozen in the cage, and the first offender's name called was Baker, a baker. Baker the bobby gave evidence, so the culprit's cake was dough. ; 'Talk about coincidences !, • • * Wellington has its titled lawyer, "but Wanganui goes one better and boasts a blooming knight who grafts for a livelihood by yanking out molars. Still, I suppose, to alter the old saw, "A tooth drawn by a titled dentist hurts just as much." •♦ * ■ One of the most horrible, gruesome tales of the bush ever told is one that comes from Winton, Queensland. A woman out that way died in her camp in the bush, and as her husband, a scalper, was by himself the body was left untended for a time. A half-bred bull dog tied up in the camp managed to get loose and tore and lacerated the body most horribly— tearing out the throat and eating the brains from the skull. The horrors 1 of the lonely Australian bush !, ' •

■A' New town- housekeeper got a shock- "t'other nio.rning when quite wo-man-like she as%d the milk-oh if the morning's supply of -the 1 lacteal fluid 'wa^t; quite; impure.-. yesi ' Replied; jmilk-oh.^it; has: been paralysed by the public anarchist."'. ■••• ■ * * (Seekers, after "tfruth? 1 are so much" in earnest on the Manawatu line, that, ;they ai;e helping themselves from the agents' parcels en route. It'll be a icol'd, hard truth in the shape of. a month or so in durance vile that one of these petty pilferers will light on : shortly, ■ . , ' '■*■-.* * 'A' Bendigo woman writer says the only article of clothing that a woman need seriously consider is her blquse. Well, for the "Critic's" own' part, he's not too particular, but to quieten the Gimlet ' Brigade it would .be as well to pay some attention to , the skirt. ♦ ■ • ■ » ; The dishonesty of a child corrupted,^ , the. mother. Daisy; Edwards, a mite, j stole £15, and gave it to her mother, Result, mother and daughter convict- j "e'd by a magistrate of theft. Such was the little tragedy of ,t-he Edwards at the Wellington Magistrate's Court last Monday., From a Waimate paper : "A breach of promise case of great interest will be heard fyere early next month. The parties are well-known in the suite." Which is , intefestinET. but why "suite" ? The pair were no doubt sweet at one time, but are munching bitter aloes now. ','••'■•.• ? . ■ ■ An Australian parson, who lately travelled the world, relates how he climbed Mount Sinai, and read the Ten Commandments from the top. That is the type of blaxant bounder ,who, after Gabriel has blown his trump, will, if it isat' hung up out of his reach, bray into it. \ • * V Information r*q«ir»i as to the occupation of a, tall individual with a ginger mo.- who, apparently, hangs round the Criterion at New Plymouth from January 1 to December .31. Can't the police .find him in a little light oucupation to relieve the monotony- of looking for mugs ? j* • •- "What hare you got to say,'.' asked Dr. McArthur, S.M.. recently' of a dead-beat who was found, dossing on the Wellington Gas Company's premises. "Nuthin," was the laconic re-, ply. "I want ter be discharged." So flabbergasted was the Beak that he could only just murmur "three months." « < « The morgue at Palmerston is one of the chief places of attraction. Situated within easy distance of the Square, the visitor should have no difficulty in finding this delectable spot during "business" hours. He has only to follow his nose. '(Extract from an unpublished guide to Palmerston)./ i» .' * ' ' m\ 'A' matrimonial'-case , mentioned, i<&< Wellington's S.M. Court during th# week, brought to light the fact that husband and wife each had to support children of a first marriage. There were aiso children by the parties in the case in question. Occurs to '"Cri;tic" that it is a case of "your kids and my kids fighting our kids!" Thiijgs are- a bit mixed over 'Australia way. It J is stated that since the creation of the Commonwealth, Federal and State expenditure has increased from 28 to 33^ millions'., ■This is equal' to 20 per cent., whilethe access in population has been only .8£ per cent. What a game the\ noliticians and bureaucrats are play-' ing ! • ■ & ■,-»■• - ■» • ■ . ■• Queer place, ' Palmerston: When" the rain makes the roads too bad for cycling (and, incidentally, for words) they drive their gridirons along , the pavements, and then write to the papers complaining of overhanging tree branches being dangerous. 'In other places turning the footpath into a cycle track is mostly ari v indictable offence 1 . , '"Truth" is a, ■ thorough believer in Ttfew Zealand for New.Zealanders, but at the same time we can see no good. and valid- reason why. reliable and capable seamen should be sacked from the Government steamship Hinemoa to make, wav for half-castes picked up at the Bluff. The half-caste is an excellent boat-man, but as a seaman he, is very much below par. •.. • - * The idiotic application of the English Epsom . terni ■ -heath" to New Zealand and Australian racecourses, j where heath never grew, is simply a slavish initiation of English writers who couldn't scribble about Epsom | Downs and Newmarket without dragging in the '"'Classic Heath," to save ! their thick, red necks. But a "Sycine-"- Bulletin" writer has aonc further and* writes of a cricket ground as "the heath." Gods and King Willow ! Fancy playing cricket among the hlooming heather !

•Amazdng that even.* educated men,; 'when bitten \by. the Spiritualistic bug. refer, / as the : solid foundations of their, belieL .to' 1 ; .the . niad Sayings of .a who practised voo-dob necromancies on the credulity of; a wanderine race in Asia : Minor, five or six thousand ; years ago— and were their own reporters, editors and .'publishers^ 'alii .that. ' • « * .'* . ■• i "From the "Otago fiaily 1 "WANTED (by a Widower), a Good, Christian. WOMAN as t housekeeper, with 'view to matri- 's . mony ; comfortable home ; one • ' with a little means, preferred.— « Address Anxious, Post Office, — — Anxious' must be a canny Scot, and believes 'in the aphorism : "Taste and try before you buy- 1' ye ken f . It is real hard to define the various stages of drunkenness. One drunk at the S.M.V Court during the week tried to creep • out* of it by assuring the Beak that, •she— it happened to be a 'female per- 1 son— was not helplessly drunk when run in. That trigger pulled all right as shle was discharged, it being a. long time since she was. last before his Beakship. . Recently some obsolete warships were sold at* Portsmouth. Two, the Katoomba and Tauranga, realised £S,OOO. Both vessels were formerly in the Australasian service. Evidently, the- fate-, of England's fleet is service in Australia and then the scrap heap. And be it remembered that these two : vessels were absolutely unsafe at sea and were, only a .little over 10 years old ! 1 . ■ ♦ • * Say, girls, it's coming home to roost. Listen to this from our Melbourne issue : "Melbourne telephone pirls are in frture to work on Sundays as yrtll as telephone boys. Well, *■ what can women expect ? They clamored for the equality of the sexes, and- they are beginning to get it. What will Badalia Rosat line do now' for her Sunday afternoon ramble with heir 'bloke' ?" . • • • A French scientist has discovered— so he says— that inoculation with the yeast bacillus of beer cuses a cancer. Nothing to blow about ; there are hundreds in New Zealand who 'have been under the impression for years that the beer -baccilli, absorbed internally in sufficient quantities— the more the better — are a cure for all the ills to which human flesh is heir— « from toothache to a : tumor, in the stomach. " * • ■ « There is something rotten- In our immigration department's ways, when a lot of men of "no occupation,"grocers' assistants, drapers' ditto, and such, of which, classes we have already a plethora of our own, come along in every cargo of lime juicers. One poor lad of the grocer class, arriving friendless a'nd moneyless in Auckland, cut his throat in his loneliness and despair -of finding employ.? ment. ' ' An Eltham man named T ' i Aljrwn 1 , wri-i ting in a TaranaM -ra-g, bewails the fact that working men, who think nothing of putting their pounds on the "tote" won't come forward and take up shares in the petroleum companies. The working man shows his good sense in this respect. On 'the "tote" his quid gives him a run for his money, but invested in some of the "wild cat" oil schemes now in the air his horse, metaphorically, speaking, won't leave the paddock^ '» . »' * 'Paeans of -praises fall frequently .from the. lips of Magistrate McArthur concerning' the good work done by the Salvation Army in its efforts to reclaim . the human .wrepks that bob up in the Police. Court. Often the Army snatches from gaol women who are made to pay -for their salvatipn by toiling in. the Army Home for the same term that they should have served in prison at one-tenth of thelabor and better fed and housed. Certainly the country is saved the expense of the keep of these forlorn females, but after the Army has had them three months, it is easy to tell where the pecuniary profit comes in. Their souls are temporarily saved at the expense of their hard-worked bodies. Yes; the Arm v is v a com-, raercial institution alright !,' • * «» Now and then the filthy, mouthed brute who takes advantage of a barmaid's position to pour filth into her unwilling ear, falls in. One such, showing off before a group of grinning companions, in a city bar one night recently, was making the girl's ears tingle and her wrath rose to boiling point. She said nothing, pretended not to mind the blackguardisms, till the big hog leaned over close enough to reach— she being a very small lady— when swift as a flash, she swished a stinging left hook on to his chin and— presto— his whole set of upper front "tats" fell into his long beer ! That cur will think twice before he insults «, supposedly, defenceless barmaid as;am.