A MAN FROM MARS

New Zealand Times, Volume XXXVII, Issue 8362, 24 February 1913, Page 11

A MAN FROM MARS

IN POLITICS WITH A “REFORM” TEACHER. VANDAL DEMOCRATS. (By S. Confidential, in “Lyttelton Times.”) Unhappily the Man from Mars did not meet the “Reformer” till he had been in various parts of the country for some months. The visitor had read tho so-called “Reform” and- “AntiReform” newspapers, and had to he de-educated and then re-educated, as the “Reformer” said, to enable him to take back a respectable message to the sister planet. “I notice,” remarked the Martian, “that some people in this country are asking for a square deal for Labour.” “That is ‘anti-Reform,’ ” said tho “Reformer.” “I have read,” resumed tho Martian, “that more people should be on the land.” , “That, too, is ‘anti-Reform.’ “Somebody told me that the burden of taxation should be adjusted to the strength of the various backs.” “Dear me,” exclaimed the “Reformer” crossly, “what queer company you have boon keeping 1 You have received nothing but *anti-Reform' opinions. It is a wonder that you have not been arrested for consorting with reputed thieves and vagabonds. Only base persons, individuals of low degree, have the opinions and beliefs that you have mentioned.” “What is ‘Reform’?” asked the visitor. “The Government,” replied the “Reformer.” “What is the Government?” “The Government is ‘Reform.’” You see, it is very plain,” added the “Reformer,” chqprtuily. “if the Government is ‘Reform,’ then the Opposition, whatever it may say or do, must be ‘anti-Reform.’ Now here is a State secret, which you must for the private .ear of your Inends in ' Mars. Get into power by the cry of ‘Reform,’ and stay there by ■ snouting ‘anti-Reform’ at your enemies. The people will take it in. We have proved it here. You know what Carlyle wrote about the proportion of fools. I do not suggest" that we played a trick on the public, but you can guess what I mean.

* ‘1 do not quite see. ... The air is more dense on Mors. . . . Perhaps you .... “Yes, of course, I shall explain, the .“Reformer” interrupted perkily. “ ‘Reform’ is Respectability.” “What is Respectability f” “Respectability is ‘Reform,’ of course. It is Property, and Decent Privilege for the Decent People—nor for 'your vulgar herd, your rabble, your cabbage multitude. This Dominion has got into a deplorable condition. The lower classes have no proper respect for their betters. They do not say ‘Sir? to their superiors. The yokel does not touch his forelock to the large squatter. The ignorant majority actu-" ally want to govern the country l” “Is this a democracy?” interjected the Martian. - , “ That is the curse. There has been too much democracy,” growled the “ Reformer.” “ The insubordination of th© masses dates hack about twentytwo years to the ■ advent of a horrible revolutionary named Ballanoe. A dreadful crime was committed. It was an outrage as dastardly as the murder of King Charles 1. by Cromwell’s ‘anti- , Reformers.’ The Respectable People were put out • of office, and Fanatics controlled the country for over two decades. The classes were put under the yoke of the masses. Labour’s name was written with a capital L. Oh, the sacrilegious manipulation of taxation 1 The immemorial sacred rights of the man of large wealth were not respected. The common persons forgot their Place. They declined to sit below the salt at the national table. They trampled on the Lazarus crumbs, and demanded a out from the joint or Dives. They took it, too. 1 shudder to think of the infamy. “ After Ballanoe came Seddon, who was worse than Ballanoe,” the “ Reformer” continued, while he frowned and glared ‘at the memory of the democratic atrocities. “There was never such a pitiless ‘ anti-Reformer ’ as Seddon. He was ‘King Dick’.to the vulgar persons, the soulless populace. This monstrous man stuffed. the Statute Book with red riot against the privilege of centuries. The huge amount of ‘ anti-Reform * that he perpetrated will take * Reform * years to undo.” “ What will ‘ Reform ’ do P” inquired the Martian, meekly. - “It will not be so much what ‘Reform ’ will do, as what it will not do,” remarked the “ Reformer,” who answered before he was quite ready. “As I said before, ‘ Reform ’ will be Respectable; it will not be Vandal; it will not bo Fanatic. It will leave well alone, when the wellness happens to bo with Decent People, whose enormous property is the direct measure of their Respectability. Can there be anything nfore vulgar, more inexpressibly regrettable, than this cry of ‘closer’ settlement? Think what it means. Beautiful landscapes will be spoilt. Houses, containing common persona, will intrude among the pastures. Where a hundred men are now happy, as thqy deserve to be, with some thousands hr tens of thousands of acres each, the stupid ‘ anti-Re-formers ’ desire two or three thousand families to be settled. If this sort of thing goes on there will not be ah open stretch of country road for a joyride in a motor. The common persons will encumber the road with their vulgar vehicles.” “ By ‘ Reform,’ then, you would have an aristocracy of Property,” said the Man from Mars. “ What other kind can you have here?” the “Reformer” commented.' “ What better kind can you have? Is it _ not" a fact that the sense of patriotism in all things is proportional to the stake in the country? Therefore. if a man has ten thousand acres he should have many more votes than the man who has not a solitary perch of his own. That wretched doctrine of one-man-one-vote is the most mischievous ‘ anti-Reform ’ heresy ever inflicted on this country. “If a man has no large property, how is he to he a ‘ Reformer ’ ?” the Martian asked. “By a sense of duty and lovalty to those who have property,” the ‘ Reformer ’ replied glibly. “ The feudal lords of old had retainers loyal to their 'ivory. The villeins and vassals knew 'heir place. Education has spoilt their descendants here. They have too much 'eisnre to rend and think, and thus ge+ ell sorts of ridiculous, disloyal ‘ antiReform’ notions into their heads. Thev "hen'd bo devoted admirers of ‘Reformer’ Sir Walter Bncbanan. ■ ‘Reformer ' Sir William Russel], and nil the various ‘Reformer’ squatters, but it grieves mo to confess that they are not, to their eternal shame, if not damnation.

There is something hideous in this dispicable ‘anti-Reform’ agitation for the alleged rights of the small man against th© big man, the square deal for labour, and all that sort of thing. But thank Providence that ‘Reform’ at has a chance to check the.impious revolutionaries, who would lay profane hands on estates, whose very grandeur should inspire reverence in the breast of a graven image. If ‘anti*Reform’ had not been cast down from the seat of government for a term, hardly one ‘Reformer’ in the whole of New Zealand would have had ten thousand acres by the end of another five years.” , . .. “Is there any other mark of the ‘Reformer 1 except property?” the man from Mars asked. “Culchaw, of course,” the “Reformer” said. “W© are more English in our style and tone. You will not hear one ‘anti-Reformer* say ‘good-bay,’ Th© common persons say ‘good-bye, and ‘fine 1 instead of ‘fane.’ There is nothing distinctive, nothing ‘modish' about their utterances. Ail the Very Best People are ‘Reformers.’ The vulgar, if they ap© our speech, will fail miserably. They do not know our trick. \Vo practise with a very hot potato in the mouth,” “Is it, not painful?” hazarded the Martian. “Yes, hut there is compensation; it is ‘Reform,’ declared the “Reformer.” , “Will you win the next election?” • _ _ „ “Yes,” concluded the “if w© can maintain the ‘anti-Reform tunes, and I do not see why we cannot. We have certainly bought up enough organs.”