NOW, DON’T LAUGH

New Zealand Times, Volume XXXVII, Issue 8349, 8 February 1913, Page 15

NOW, DON’T LAUGH

Tramp (bitterly): "I suppose ytm would ilike me to get off th© earth, but I 'can't?" Mrs Tait: "Have you tried soft Lapp” "My husband considered a very long Itime before he proposed to me. He was very careful." "Ah, it’s always those careful people who get taken in!” George: “I got your wire and came at once. What’s tile matter?” Wifey: "Oh, George, you aro too late. Baby had his too in his mouth, and ho did look so saucy." 1 Mr Hobbs: ‘‘How much ought I to put in the contribution-box?" Mrs Hobbs: “Wait and sec. If that odious Mrs Jennings is looking put in half-a-crqwn. If not, a threepenny-hit will do.” Grassneck : “There’s one man’s job a Woman can’t do, an’ that’s to raise a heard.” Longbrnsli: "I dunno. My wife raises mine every morning to see if I’m wcarin’ tho necktie she bought me.” Brown: "I wonder why the children so readily accept the story of Santa Claus coming from tho Far North?” Jones: "Because they first learn of him in T.apland.” ' Diggs: "My wife is a wonderful vocalist. Why, I have known her to hold her audience for horns—" Biggs; "Get out!” Diggs: "After which she would lay it in tho cradle and rock it to Sleep.” “Halloa, Bleeter! Get anything this Christmas?” ‘“Yes; got a sovereign.” “Ah, hung up your stocking eh?” “No; hung up my watch.” Tramp: "Can’t you give me something to eat, ma’am?" Lady of the House: ‘‘Yes; here is a piece of home-made mince-pie.” Tramp: "X asked for food, madam, not work.” JimsoU: "I see that they are building houses out of paper nowadays.” Mitson. "Yes; even theatres. I was at an opening performance the other night, and complimented the manager. He said: ‘ Yes. it’s a good house—but all paper.’ ” Primus: “Jobson is a philanthropist/’ Secundus: ‘‘What does be do?” Primus; "He’s so sorry for poor children who have no Christmas that ho spends his time telling them that Santa Clans is a myth." “So you have women’s suffrage in your State?” “Yes,” replied th© Western statesman. “How does it work out?” “Well, I confess that it interferes with domestic discipline. Whenever I have occasion to correct my small boy, I am afraid he is going to coax his mother to use her political influence against me.” The goose had been carved, and everybody had tasted it. It was excellent. The negro minister, who was the guest ot honour, could not restrain his enthusiasm. “Dat’s as fine a goose as evah I see, Brudah Williams,” ho said to his host. “Whar did you git such a fine goose?” “Well, now, pahson.” replied the carver of the goose, exhibiting great dignity and reticence, “when you preaches a speshul good sermon I never axes you where you got it. 1 hopes you will show, mo the same consideration.”