NOW, DON’T LAUGH

New Zealand Times, Volume XXXVII, Issue 8338, 25 January 1913, Page 9

NOW, DON’T LAUGH

Steward (the first day out) —DiS you ring, sir Traveller —Yes, steward. I —l rang. Steward —Anything I cap bring you, sir ?: Traveller —Y-es, stteward, B-ring me a continent, if you have one, or an island —anything, steward, so 1-lul-long as it’s solid, if you can’t, sus-sink the ship. “Mosh ’shtr’ord’nary thing I Hero tish middle o’ the night an’ my ole watch ’sh pointin’ t’noon.” Philosophy Teacher—Clarence, yon may explain how we hear things. Clarence —Pa tells ’em to ma as a secret and ma gives them away at thu bridge club. “It’s awkward when these motors break down. 1 was called to a patient the other day and arrived just too late.” “Dead, 1 suppose?” “No,, cured,” * The Wife’s Caller (lightly)—Those husbands of ours need watching from, morning till night. The Other Wife (less lightly)—Say rather from, night till morning. , ’ , Constable (to vise red and goggled motorist who has exceeded the speed limit) —And I ' have my doubts about this being your first offence. Your face seems familiar to mo. ' , Village Constable (to villager, who., has .been knocked down by passing motor cyclist)—You didn’t see the number,' but could you swear to the man? Villager—l did; but I don’t think ’• ’card me. _ ' “Show mo some tiaras, please. 1 want one for my wife.” “Yes, sir. About what price?” “Well, at such a price that I can say ; Do you see that woman with the tiara? She is mj wife.” _ . Mrs Reccntmarrio—l want half a dozen red lemons. The Fruiterer —Red lemons ? Mrs Recentmaxne—Yes, sir, I want to surprise my husband by making him some rod lemonade. ' Maud—So he had the cheek to ask my age, did ho? Well, what did you tell him? Ethel—l told him I didn’t know positively; but I thought yon were just twenty-four on your thirtieth birthday. “How do you know when your husband forgets to mail the letters you give him?” “I always put a card addressed to mystlf among ’em. If I don’t get it the next day, 1 know.” “Paw. what do they do with all the money they make the people pay for taxes?” “Tomy, my eon, at last you have asked me a question I can’t answer. There are limitations to your father’s knowledge.” “Why do you consider women superior to men in intelligence?” “A bald-headed man buys hair restorer by the quart, doesn’t ho?” “Er—yes.” “Well, a woman doesn’t waste time on a hair restorer, she buys hair.” “Oh. no; 1 don’t claim to be any different or any .brighter than the balance of mankind. I expect I shall marry some fool woman some of these days.” ‘lf you ever marry that’s th« kind of a woman you will marry, all right.” “ How many servants have you?* asked the census-taker. “ Well,” plied Mrs Crcsslots, “ two have threatened to leave, one has promised ta come, and it's everybody’s afternoon off, anyhow. You can figure it out for. yourself.”