COURTESY AT HOME.

New Zealand Times, Volume XXXIII, Issue 5396, 13 July 1878, Page 2 (Supplement)

COURTESY AT HOME.

(From the Saturday Review]

It Is not a pleasant trait in people’s characters that they 'should treat their acquaintances with less and le*s deference as thsy become more and more familiar with them, decreasing their courtesy in proportion to the increase of their intimacy; but unfortunately this is too commonly the case. It is usually assumed that a trim gentleman is always courteous at home, but this assumption can

■ only be accepted with certain reservations, r- We have known men perfectly unimpeachable ; in the matters of educition, culture, and rei {moment, whose manners, though most charming on first acquaintance, relap ed on intimacy into absolute unp'easantness. We admit that nobody whose appanut courteousness to strangers is bnly'on the surface, and who thus seems to'bo that which he is not, can be a perfect gentleman in the highest sense of the word,; but, taking the expression in its ordinary social acceptation, we fear it must be ' granted that, in the matter of courtesy, a great - ’many gentlemen do occasionally seem to be that which they are not. These refined beings do not perhaps relapse into absolute rudeness among their relatives and intimates ; bnt they replace their attractive manners by icy sarcasms, taciturnity, and irritability, which exceed the border line of courtesy. They Seem • to take a pleasure in demonstrating the unhappy fact that the refinement of the agreeable has its counterpart iu the refinement of the disagreeable. ■' In these days it is unfortunately true that, even in the highest society, there is too little courtesy either at home or away from it. In our opinion the best test of the difference between courtesy and humbug will be found in the observation of home life. ' Humbug may assume the form of courtesy, bnt it cannot stand the strain of continual use, whereas true courtesy becomes more developed by constant habit, and thrives beet in its" native soil.; Teople often confuse courtesy with humbug, because they imagine that it necessarily implies personal esteem and respect. Where, therefore, they observe a deferential manner in the absence of personal esteem and respect, they immediately suspect humbug.- In this they ore mistaken. A Jmlge may be perfectly courteous to the murderer whom he is sentencing to be banged, and the head master of a'public school may show formal poiite-ne-s •tc his pupils in the disciplinary interviews which ho has with them “ after school,” but neither functionary would thereby lay himself open to the charge of being a humbug. Then there are persons who are so utterly devoid of any .innate courtesy toot they are incredulous of its existence in others; and when they meet with it theymiatake it for humbug. . It must be admitted however that there are occasions when scepticism is quite legitimate. Tor instance, when we see 'ostentations displays of atftction and respect on the part of husbands towards their wives to parents towards their children, in public, ; we aae apt to form our own opinion of their < private life, shrewdly suspecting that this profusion of good things is not an everyday ' off lir. - We recommend to the clergy “rude papas" as a subject fora course of sermons. “Nagging mammas” might form a second series. To treat your children like rervants or ■ retrievers, whose highest duty is to tetch and carry, is not the surest means of indoctrinating them with the virtue of courtesy. It may be considered a superannuated idea that husbands and wives ought to treat each other with any semblance of ceremony ; but we are old-

'fashioned enough to fancy that the opposite tendency is carried rather to anexcess just at ■o' present. It may he a prejudice to think that there * can possibly he anything objectionable r in smoking cigarettes in ladies' drawing-rooms and boudoirs ; but. there always will be some people who lag behind their times. There is surely a sufficiently wide margin between treating a husband as an utter stranger and calling him a beast; but it seems too narrow for some ladies to discover. Among brothers and sisters a little hann'ess banter is perfectly admis-ihle, and' even perhaps desirable; but a family ■ whose members are always snapping at eacli other in the style at present approved as clever, both in fiction and in reality, can scarcely- be upheld , a< ’a model of - coortesy at home. Both among brothers and" sisters and husbands ' and wives, a great deal of t.lk which begins with . chaff ends in rudeness. In society conventional politeness sets ceitain'limits to. repartee, but at home there are uo such barriers. In private - life, wheu the more refined weapons of conversational dispute fail, the combatants are apt .to resort .to vulgar personal abuse. Servants could sometimes tell curious stories .about the courtesy of their employers at .home, or rather their want of it. There are'ladies renowned for their charming manners in society who use their maids as safety-valves : for the innate rudeness which they contrive to repress and conceal in public. Doubtless they are hurt when, in dressing their heads, their 1 maids drag the hair with the brash ; hut that h, no excuse for pretty mouths permitting ugly words to escape from them. The master may

be very fond of h s horse ; but after speaking to the animal in tones of the gentlest affection, it is scarcejy the sign of a courteous gentleman to swear at the groom because his stinupleatbers are too short. . Courtesy at home, like other virtues, cannot be practised too constantly, or be too well fortifitd by nndevialing habit. Even when a man is alone, it is not well to, throw aside too freely, the restraints and observances of social usage. -We do not hesitate to say that -no one can, when alone, discard all customary forms and ceremonies in dress, meals, or the like, without incurring danger of self-degrada-tion, A man who neglects his toilet when he is going to spend the evening in Ids own s- ciety is decidedly wanting In self-respect, and the bachelor who only makes his rooms comfortable and attractive when, be expects visitors must be pronounced unworthy of p romotion to the more dignified state of life to which all bachelors presumably aspire.