THE INTELLIGENT VAGRANT.

New Zealand Times, Volume XXXII, Issue 5107, 6 August 1877, Page 3

THE INTELLIGENT VAGRANT.

(From the New Zealand Mail.)

Qui scit an adjiciant hodiernae crastina summte Tempora Di Super! —Horace. The quarrels of the session have begun. One Thursday lately a person with the frowsy appearance of a groom who had slept in a horse stall (who claimed connection with the local Press), and an “own correspondent” of distant journals blackguarded each other in the reporters’ gallery of the House of Representatives to the amusement of some, and the disgust of those who had work to do in the same gallery. The matter culminated in the representative of distant journals challenging the local representative to fight and the local representative declining. The sooner the sergeant-at-arms, or someone delegated by him, has a chair in the reporters’ gallery the better. In Mr. Broomhall’s really excellent pamphlet on New Zealand there are not a few funny passages. But one of the best, and that unconsciously satirical of those who are not teetotallers, is given in a conversation with a tradesman, who remarks that Mr. Fox is an excellent man, a most patriotic man, but a total abstainer. To this Mr. Broomhall replies that he also is a total abstainer. And the other party to the conversation says, “ Ah, sir, we all have our. failings.” The conversation may not be given by me with literal accuracy, but its effect is as I have stated. ■ A gentleman who condescends to accept a weekly wage, and to do something for it on the wharf, read the mate of a steamer a very' proper lesson in the courtesies of society. A sailor had thrown on to the wharf from the mate’s steamer the little line with a knob of rope on the end, which generally hits a spectator in the eye, and is used to help to draw a thick rope from the steamer. The condescending gentlemen was the sole occupant of the wharf, and he catching the little line, commenced to haul away on the big one. But so soon as he came to the wet portion of the rope he dropped the whole concern into the water with an expression of intense disgust. The mate of the steamer asked him what the (you know) he meant by doing that, to which he indignantly replied”—•“ Do you think I was going to wet my fingers with your rope.” The ballroom at the Ministerial residence has not suffered by being turned into a skating rink, for the simple reason that it never was used to skate upon. The elasticity of the floor did, however, I am informed, suffer a little last year from the ponderous efforts of a certain literary behemoth to waltz upon it. A poor woman who keeps a little shop and struggles to earn a living, appreciates the procedure in our Resident Magistrate’s Court office very much. Sometime ago she found that a customer, indebted to her in a few pounds, was about to settle her account by “hooking it.” She made out the, necessary two copies of her bill, took them to the Resident Magistrate’s Court office, and paid the usual fee for a summons "and service of the same. After a fortnight had elapsed, and her customer had “hooked it,” she went to the office to see what effect her legal process might have had. After a good deal of hunting, the summons was found carefully stowed away in a pigeon-hole, and as it was not accompanied by the two copies of her bill, which had unaccountably disappeared, she was requested to furnish other two copies. In the meantime her debtor is somewhere up country ; and his address, like that of the gentleman mentioned by Dickens, is “ The Bush.” I have not read Dr. Skae’s report on the Wellington Lunatic Asylum. Perhaps some one who has read it will tell me if Dr. Skae has mentioned in any way the recent occurrence of an incident similar somewhat to that which occurred when the Asylum was at Karori, and which I cannot better describe than by saying that it added to the infant population of the colony in a rather objectionable manner. By the way, I am told that Dr. Skae condemns the design and construction of the Asylum buildings in no measured way. Does not this suggest that it would be as well if some competent authority on hospital designing and construction were asked to report upon our new hospital before we go too far with it ? . ' ,' The pleasant Russian words which turn up in the telegrams every day and give one a crick in the neck to pronounce, remind me of Lever’s genuine description of a Russian name, “A cross between a chincough and a housekey.” It is nice to notice that the parliamentary pronunciation of French still holds its own against all others. A learned legislator last week told the House that he would give it a “ rcssum ” of the matter. And he did. Which reminds me to commend to honorable members a little anecdote told by the funny man of one of the papers. A member of the Victorian Assembly, and n supporter of the Berry Ministry, said oratorically, “Wot does the ’ouse want f He was answered promptly from the Opposition benches, “An H.” The gentlemen who occupy the public gallery of the New Zealand House of Representatives are divided as to the merits of &ir George Grey. I heard one say to another, “Why, the very way he rises to speak reminds me of a statesman.” To which the other answered, “ The way he rises to speak seems to me painfully suggestive of a desire to crawl head first down one of those pillar ventilators that have been stuck about the House this session.” It was in the public gallery, too, that I heard a candid criticism of Mr. Gisborne. Somebody asked somebody else how he thought

I. old “ dizzy” waagoing to vote this session. Somebody else, drawing an'excellent metaphor from the game of euchre, said “ He’s going a lone hand.” ' ' ’ It was not a had unintentional hit of Mr. Swanson’s when he told Mr. Fox’ that he objected teetotally to something Mr. Fox had said. That mercurial member, Mr. Thomson, gave us his own authority for the statement that he had been on very friendly terms with the late Sir Donald McLean, on almost as friendly terms as with any other member of the House, I am not now surprised that poor Sir Donald’s health gave way at the last. The horrible boredom of such a friendship as that of Mr. Thomson would tax the brightest intellect, the most vigorous constitution. “Wanted a Spaniard who can speak English.” Two friends. of mine have just imported from America a brand new doublebarrelled patent-action escapement-movement writing machine. The manufacturers’ have sent with the machine a dozen copies of instructions how to use it. As the instructions, however, are .in Spanish, the importers now want some one to help them to use the instructions. The San Francisco News Letter did no little good by : putting week after week to professed medical men, the pertinent question, “Gentlemen, you call yourselves doctors, what are your qualifications?” It seems that there is some little difference: likely to arise in New Zealand, where it is said those who register medical practitioners are not very well qualified to judge of the qualifications presented to them, and have admitted to practise in the colony gentlemen whose degrees or diplomas bear the stamp of a university or college about as good as those of certain German and American institutions, where the payment of a certain sum of money is the sole requisite for obtaining a degree. Perhaps when a Bill which is about to be presented to Parliament is published we shall know more on this matter. : Another story as to the inventive genius of those , who destroy rabbits for a reward. Mr. Cotswold, of the Wairarapa, had several men employed on his run in the reduction of the number of rabbits thereon. He gave the men 15s. a week, their grub, and Id. a tail. He has had to modify the conditions of the contract however. • He now pays Id. for each pair of ears. The men were accustomed to spend Sunday manufacturing tails out of portions of the skins. No doubt in time another modification will have to be made when they discover the secret of manufacturing ears. It is very unfair, Mr. Burns, that you should deprive Irishmen of their hereditary right of making “ bulls.” Speaking in the House of the Otago Harbor Board you said, “ The first Board elected was a nominee Board.” The shade of Sir Boyle Roche will haunt you. Sir George Grey, you and I may live in hope that our unobtrusive merits may yet not go unrewarded. Mr. Stout has given notice of a motion to make the office of Governor of this colony an elective one. Should Mr. Stout’s idea be carried into effect, I fancy the running in the first contest mil be between the member for the Thames and myself, unless, indeed, Mr. Manders, M.H.R., should choose to come forward. .

And in reference to this matter, Mr. Stout, a word of advice. You are a great though sadly unappreciated genius. You want liberty tree as the air for all men. That is to say, you want all things human (I had almost written divine too) regulated according to the theories of one Robert Stout. But why begin your efforts at reform in a mere streamlet of the nation as it were ? Why not go Home, and, beginning at the fountain head, propose a motion in the British House of Commons that the Sovereign of the Kingdom should be elected by the people. As to your getting into the House of Commons I have no doubt. Why Dr. Kenealy, whose shoes you are not worthy to bear, as an interminable talker, has got in there. ’ * When Mr. Rees was abusing the Wa.hi Maori and everything except the , Qpposition, he rather detracted from the force of his invectivebylsaying “So far as my instructions go.” It made the whole speech savor of that which I am sure Mr. Rees in this particular instance was not—a paid advocate ; one of those of whom the Apostle said something about “who justify the wicked for a reward.” I quote by the aid of a detective memory.

A clergyman whose church is near the police station, when speaking in public lately spoke, slightingly of the police. The key of his church has for some years been kept in the station, during the time it is hot'wanted for opening the doors. Some Sundays after his speech the key was missing) and was not to be found after minute search. Whereupon the clergyman wrote a letter to the Cdmmander-in-Chief of the Police, saying plainly that the “ bobbies” out of spite had lost his key for him. “ Tantsene irae in animis coelestibus.” Apropos of the Municipal Conference, I have received the following : The Potman mares, once reared bn native food. Then gorged with ghastly feasts of flesh and blood. No more with wholesome pasturage content, With savage jaws their master Glaucus rent. New Zealand Mayors, on local rates depending. To civic duties civilly attending, Now gorged with unnatural subsidies, in caucus. Seek straightway to devour their subsidising Glaucus. On Saturday night a lady displaying a prominent intention of adding to the next census returns went into a butcher’s shop on Larabtonquay, looked about her at the meat, put her hand in her pocket, took out a knotted handkeredief, unknotted it, cried “I have lost thirty shillings,” and incontinently fainted. Being restored, and much attention paid her, she explained that she had lost the sovereign and half sovereign with which she had started to make her Saturday night’s purchases. It is unnecessary to add that she was at once trusted with a fine joint of beef, which she was to call and pay for on Monday. She left. In a few minutes she went into a grocer’s near at hand, and got a supply of tea, sugar, cheese, and other matters, having previously gone through a performance similar to that to which she treated the butcher. She mentioned that she had last been at the dealer's in meat, and when she left, the grocer, out of sheer pity, went there in hopes of recovering her loss for her. As a result of the conversation which ensued, neither the butcher nor the grocer hope to be paid for their goods. It may be my ignorance, but I confess to having never heard of “Lasar do . Bello’s Gallicio.” And yet that is one of the books which a Wellington paper tells me has been, recommended for study for the next teacher’s examination, I have heard of “Csesar de Bello Galileo,” and I remember an Irish laborer once giving bis name as Bill Looney, and its being entered on the pay-sheet by an English clerk who had studied languages as “ Belloni.” The clerk subsequently expressed surprise at finding an Italian not only at work in Cork, but speaking with a fair brogue. Mr. William Swanson, speaking at the Municipal Conference, did justice to the capabilities of Auckland business men. The New Zealand Insurance Company’s buildings in the northern city are mostly occupied by agents and sharebrokers, “and rates are got out of these,” said Mr. Swanson, “and they are nippers.” I am obliged to the New Zealand Sun for copying one paragraph of mine and putting “Vagrant” at the end of it. Like a public charity, I receive thankfully the smallest donations. I should be even more grateful, however, if the New Zealand Sun had not copied other two paragraphs of mine without acknowledgment. ' .