THE INTELLIGENT VAGRANT.

New Zealand Times, Volume XXXII, Issue 5085, 11 July 1877, Page 3

THE INTELLIGENT VAGRANT.

(From the New Zealand Mail.)

Qui scit an adjiciant hodiernse crasfciua aummie Tempora D 1 Supori.— Horace.

A newspaper reporter, the author of at least one infamous libel, for which his employers had to apologise, got wliat is vulgarly called “ the sack and a bag to take it home in ” recently. Determined to be avenged, he wrote and had printed a pamphlet setting forth how newspaper proprietors in Wellington crushed independence in his person. Being aware of his weakness, previous to giving his pamphlet publicity, he sent a copy ■to a well-known lawyer in Christchurch, and asked if it contained libel perchance anywhere. 'He received a telegraphic answer as follows; —“Do not issue book, there is libel in every line of it.” An ex-M.H.R. sends me the following : Wishing to shun the Auckland feud. Yet to his dupes not to seem rude. Sir Georg* put in an ceyer; At the first sound of session’s strife He quick returned to health, to life—- ■ He's melior, and not pejor.

No one would wish Sir George Grey any personal harm, though it would he for the benefit of the country, I am certain, if he had been unable to attend next session of Parliament. Still, everyone would be sorry if his non-attendance were caused by ill-health. But cau ho not find out some reason for keeping away 1 Those who have to listen to and report his speeches would be so glad. For of Sir George’s speeches may be said what the Scotchman said of the account of Dr. Johnson’s Highland and Hebridean tour, “Vera interestin but slightly disconnect.’. A young gentleman, fonder of wearing fine clothes than of paying for them, desired to attend the fancy dress ball in some character or another. As a portion of Ids costume he ordered a gorgeous pair of boots, promising the maker to pay for them on delivery. On the ni"ht of the ball he called in a cab for his boots, and regretted that, having left his purse on the piano, ho could not pay for them just then. To his joy the bootmaker said that

made lio difference, and handed him a large brown paper parcel. ‘ But on getting home and opening the parcel he found it contained a pair of muddy, mouldy, worn-out shoes, and a paper with the brief inscription “ Not if I know it.,’’ I have heard a good story of one of those gentlemen at three pounds a week who are so angry because the Government does not recognise them as superior beings, and permit them to do what no business man would permit his servants to do—risk . setting fire to his warehouse, and stay away from their desks for two hours under pretence of getting lunch. This gentlemen went to his banker and said—- “ Haw, I want an overdraft.” “ Then,” said the banker, “ you can’t have it,” After which the following conversation took place: — “ Will you discount a bill?” “ What name besides your own.” “Algernon De Robinson, of the Treasury Department.”

“ No good.” “ Captain Pipkins Hawyaw.” “ Worse.” “ Reginald De Boots.” “ Not worth a .” “ Snip the tailor.” “ Yes, his name will do.” Which does not say much for the respect entertained by bankers for the aristocracy. There is a curious kiud of building being put up on the Corporation Reserve in Mannersstreet.- The style of its architecture may be called the Hiberniau Egyptian, and as for its use, it is like a conundrum.—l give it up. By the last mail arrived Mr. Newchum with a letter of introduction to Mr. Oldidentity of the Manawatu, who has been out here some thirty years, Mr. Newchum was hospitably received, and asking if there was any sport to be got in the country, was told by his entertainer that there was first-rate “peasant ” shooting. It took some time before he found out that this did not mean an economical way of getting rid of worn-out farm laborers. That wonderful new machine, which prints the Evening Post, imparts a variety to the paper discreditable to the powers of its literary staff. One night it gives away a lot of blank paper at the top of the colums, and the next night it gives away a lot of blank paper at the bottom. It has now only to come out with a blank space in place of reading matter to justify its boast “ that no effort is spared for its improvement.” When those correspondents get writing and telegraphing about “ dissensions in the Cabinet ’ they might as well have descended to particulars at once. The real fact is that Mr Whitaker hit Mr. Ormond a clip in the eye, and that upon this Major Atkinson, briefly remarking that it was the duty of the Premier to lead, brought his left, as sporting papers say, into smart contact with Mr. Bowen's nose. That is the simple truth about the dissensions in the Cabinet. It may be added that the gentleman who found out that there had been such things, once got into a little dissension himself. At Government Buildings Teddy Wakefield caught him with his ear to the keyhole, aud kicked him in that part of hisperson which the Russians would see most of if they invaded the colony. A literary gentleman who prides himself upon his influence in business circles has made a profitable arrangement with an hotelkeeper. The hotelkeeper makes a specialty of supplying a wonderfully good luncheon daily at one shilling. The literary gentleman pointed out that it would be a good thing for the hotelkeeper to give him, the literary gentleman, his lunch for sixpence, in consequence -of the numerous friends and acquaintances whom he could induce to come and pay a shilling a-piece. A bargain was struck on the terms suggested, and the literary gentleman comes regularly to lunch with one or two or more friends, and when lunch is over says to his friends, “ If you give me a shilling each I’ll settle up for the lot, as I want to get change for a note.” Then he says to the waiter, “James, put those luncheons down to me,” and goes away with some silver in his pocket. At the conference regarding the suppression of intemperance, I heard one ardent teetotaller ask another what the gentleman speaking at ; Haying. ■ The answer, was prompt. “ He says publicans should be trained in a chemical labyrinth.” Is it necessary to mention that “laboratory ” was the word used by the orator! And by the same token, as they say in Spain, I am reminded of another remark made by another teetotaller at that same conference. It was made when Mr. Travers had finished speaking, and was as follows : —“ If he had only made that speech before the election he would not have got in.” My friend Mr. Travers was not likely to have done anything so foolish.

, “ The National Mortgage and Agency Company of New Zealand,” said old Bittersweet, reading a paragraph in the paper a couple of days ago ; “I thought the country and the Government were doing very well in the way of national mortgaging without requiring the assistance of a company.” Anna. Maria, who is that rarest of persons a good, servant, had honestly earned wages, from the Joneses for several years, and had become attached to the family and the family to her. ■ With privilege accorded to a trusted domestic she reproved one of the male olive branches mlat 12. The young gentleman took the opportunity of his mother being out one; evening to put on some of her clothes, and having knocked at the front door, asked Anna Maria, who answered to the knock, if Mrs. Jones lived there. “ Yes,” said Anna Maria, “Oh that’s all right,” said the boy, “I’m the! new servant.” He walked in, sat down, and: let Anna Maria cry until her mistress returned; over the parting which she fancied was immi-; nent.

The musical critic of the Wanganui Herald in a notice of a recent concert is good enough to improve upon sacred history ' to the extent of telling his readers that Judas Maccabeus led the Israelites out of their Egyptian captivity. The gentleman who writes “ Passing Notes in the Otago Witness does not rely sufficiently on his own intellectual resources. In his last lucubration he copies without acknowledgment a very funny story told by “ Atlas in The World of the ridiculous answer given by a midshipman up for examination to a question about a Daniel’s cell.

In answer to an eager correspondent, I may state that I believe the libel action Travers v. Perrier for £4OO damages will not come on at the next civil sittings of the Supreme Court. That is all I can say on the matter. I cannot attend to my correspondent’s enquiry about the Day of Judgment being fixed for the hearing of the case before mentioned.*"The story is old, it is not new with me anyway, as I iiava just seen it in an Australian paper; but it is none the less good; so I repeat it. Two Victorian gentlemen are examining a map of the seat of war in Asia. One says to the other—“ This is a good map, there is Mount Ararat quite plain.” Says the other—- “ Hang your good map, they’ve put in Mount Ararat, but they’ve left out Fiery Creek.”