THE INTELLIGENT VAGRANT.

New Zealand Times, Volume XXXII, Issue 5059, 11 June 1877, Page 2

THE INTELLIGENT VAGRANT.

(From the New Zealand Mail.) Qui scit an adjiciant hodiernaj crastina sumnire Tempera Di Superi.—Hohace. I have received au awful shoek. I saw a telegram stating that I had been left .£'500,000. That did not give me the shoek; for if only the five hundred thousandth part of the statement had been true I should have been content. The telegram was from a Dunedin correspondent of a Wellington paper, and it said that the Press Agency had sent the news to there. The Press Agency is not remarkable for telling untruths. It would be very remarkable indeed if the correspondent told the truth. But, relying on the Press Aycucy, I thought of doing one or two generous tiling■< with the money. I was going to buy ;r, .vhaLaud a little good temper for Mr. TiMveit'.Tu.d a copy of the Oceau Mail case for Mr. Giliou. Before plunging into so reckless an expenditure, however, I thought I would make sine of my position, so I waited upon that member of the firm of Holt and McCarthy who had not broken his leg whilst trying to kiss higreat toe and asked if the news so joyful to me were true. He said that anyone who said that they had telegraphed that I had been left £500,000 was , well, perhaps 1 ha.! bett< :■ not go on ; the gentleman in question is apt to express himself on some subjects plainly.

But the upshot of the thing is, you see, that I never was left the money, and that gave me a shock. Now, before the correspondent whom I have mentioned gives me a fright by telegraphing this way again, I would recommend him to send the following message : Uuneihn. \n ex-Uuder-Secretary for Immigration is here noting as correspondent for a Wellington paper and keeping a with tne motto, " Coelum non auimum mutat." There is a keen competition amougst certain newspaper proprietors just now for advertising and job printing. One proprietor lws hit upon an excellent plan for obtaining business. Wheu tenders are called for doing certain priutin" work, it is always found that_ the tender of this gentleman and of the proprietor of another paper are exactly similar and are both lower than that of a third, I hen the first-named gentleman says, "As mine and so-and-so's are the same, you had better give the work to me instead of to him, his paper does uot circulate a thousand copies. And he "ets the work. That man Perrier has been to me and says he does not want any more of my apologies to Mr Travers, for a week at least. It seems that in the forenoon of the day on which my last apology appeared, Mr. Travers snapped at a client and bullied a bailiff, and Perrier says, "goodness knows what awful legal consequences may happen to me." And I was thinking all the time that I was putting matters so nice and pleasant for all parties, and was intending this week to give the further history of the whale. But I never refuse to oblige a friend, and so I intend to put off the whole story for a week. I do not think that I shall be breaking through an implied promise to Perrier, mentioned above,by supplementing the story of the whale as told by me last week.

That talc of a whale -which I wrote t'other week, Thev tolil me broke off in the middle : Ami a farther few words, 'twould be well if I speak, Of the whale, and its sale, and the diddle. Having bought it for live pounds, anil promised the To tllfcoxswain, the next thing to do, For the lawyer, was straightway to stretchout his legs And hurry to sell It anew. Like a turkey in grass, or a kangaroo fleet, He sped him post-haste into town j For though whale, as a rule, is not quite good to eat. You may sell it, and do some one brown. And this whale, it aupears, was of species so rare, That to science it forms a puzzle, And with science the lawyer was loaded ; indeed—- " Was as full as a gun to the muzzle. So be steered for the place where our science is found , . , . In stuffed birds, bottled snakes, and in plaster. And sweet science's light helped him over the ground, E'en a fee couldn't send him much faster. And for science's sake, ho disponed of the whale. Doctor Lector he bought it with gladness For fifteen fair pounds. -Cut I'd fain draw a veil O'er the grief and the rage and the madness Of the pilots ss bold (who, through wet and through cold. Had towed that cetecean ashore, And had got but five pounds lor their trouble) when told That the lawyer had earned ten more. And a"*in in a manner most solemn, sincere. And without any further palavers, I hereby lake oath, swear, profess, and believe That lawyer was not Mr. Travers.

Now, here is a real case for the interference of *the Good Templars. The Wairampa Standard says : " On Sunday last, in the forenoon, a man' with a horse was drank in the township." Even lam prepared to admit that this kind of thing calls for legislative interference. A man should keep his horse sober, though he gets drunk himself. Captain Pelican, of the s.s. Old Identity, hearing a paragraph read from the Melbourne Arius°m which a brother captain was written of as an K.N.8., said "What's K.N.K.? Why, I'm an R.N.C." Being asked the meaning of the three last letters, he exclaimed, " Kegular New Zealand Coaster." Three members of the Armed Constabulary and three bank clerks, all possessing a high opinion of their personal appearances, presented themselves to a barmaid on Friday and asked for six half-pints of colonial beer. Just as the pewters (full) were put upon the counter, the most exquisite-looking of the six said, " I'll call and pay you for these when I'm passing next." Insensible to manly beauty, the barmaid took back the pewters (full), and the six left the hotel thirsty.