THE INTELLIGENT VAGRANT.

New Zealand Times, Volume XXXI, Issue 4910, 16 December 1876, Page 1 (Supplement)

THE INTELLIGENT VAGRANT.

(From tho New Zealand Mail.) Quia soit an adjlclant hodiernal craatina aummte Tempera Di Superi.— Horace. -I- do not know if the remark made by a witness at the close of his examination in the Resident Magistrate’s Court on Tuesday was original or not, but anyway it was very good. He was defendant in a civil action, but had been called by plaintiff to establish the latter a case. Plaintiff's solicitor, who examined him, did not succeed in getting very much out of him, and the witness subsequently remarked to a friend that the golden rule to be observed by those giving evidence ia ** to be civil but -very Ignorant.*' ‘ . The most conscientious mode of allaying thirst that I have heard of is that adopted by Mr. Jones, of the Heitei. He keeps a bottle of gin in his bedroom, a set of dice, and a box. When he feels thirsty of a morning he goes to his room and solemnly throws at Yankee grab between his right hand and his left. It his right hand wins, he takes a drink; if his left, he solemnly retires liquorless, and waits half an hour before tempting fortune I have no objection to furnishing other literary gentlemen with news, but they might at least acknowledge my kindness. Thus, for instance, last Saturday I intimated that there was a probability of the Hon. Mr. Richardson s retaining his Portfolio as Minister for Works. On , Monday evening my paragraph was copied with a fidelity that did credit to the copyist s judgment, but scarcely so to his honor. An advertisement in another evening paper on the same day notified the approaching sale of “50 conservative plants in pots.” Unable to explain exactly what this means, I have taken the liberty of consulting (by letter posted yesterday) Earl Eeaconsfield and Sir Stafford Northcote. . An animated discussion went on in the Home papers some time ago as to whether a large capacity for business pursuits could exist in consonance with refined literary tastes. Wellington could furnish an instance of such a combination X believe. A gentleman distinguished for the culture displayed in his writings was accustomed to augment his income by purchasing silver watches at auction sales for 30a. a piece, and then raffling them at £4 a piece by means of ss. tickets taken by the employes on the newspaper he was attached to. I do not think, Mr. Editor of the Times, though a writer has recommended Mr. Horton to obtain satisfaction from_ you by other than legal means you are in much danger. The writer in question has mostly himself given this species of satisfaction by turning his back to those anxious to obtain it from him. He should not measure the com of others by a bushel of his own, or consider that all are as ready to take corporeal punishment as meekly as himself. A telegram from Napier this week recorded an extraordinary circumstance. It told how one Kobjohns drove a hook into a wall, “passed a threefold cord over it, and, standing on a bos, hung himself, and then kicked the hox aioay." The italics are my own, and they really seem to indicate a singular power of vitality in a man who had just hung himself.

Madame Franzini’s performances are unquestionably clever, but are not up to those ef the writer who in describing them tells us how she “glides like a swallow amongst closelypacked bottles.” I never saw a swallow under the circumstances described, and therefore cannot tell if the simile be correct; but I have no doubt it the writer were permitted to glide amongst closely-packed bottles swallows would not be wanting. I am happy, Mr. Barton, in being able to write something complimentary about you. Being in Court last licensing day, I overhe rd one of the public say to another, “ What’s come over Barton? He’s courteous to the Bench, civil to the lawyers; and faith, he and the Inspector are as thick as two pickpockets." When the Hinemoa and Stella came out it was of course known that Captain Fairchild ■ would take command of the former, but there was some doubt as to who should command the latter. In view of the latter circumstance, . a certain nautical gentleman presented himself to the Native and Defence Minister, and suggested that evil consequences must ensue unless he (the nautical gentleman) got command of the-Stella. The Native and Defence Minister was equal to the occasion, for he said “ certainly,” and merely requested that a formal application in writing should be made. He has not heard from the nautical gentleman since. I am in receipt of a very long and very inconsequential letter from someone in the neighborhood of Masterton, in which I am asked to draw attention to certain circumstances without at the same time making the writer of the letter appear ridiculous. The last condition is an insuperable bar to my complying with the request preferred. The Dunedin Star of a late date says:—“lt is reported that there are now no less than 500 fever cases in Wellington, principally at the Te Aro end of the town.” I leave it to someone else to assert that the above is not true. For myself I can merely state my conviction that there is one idiot in Dunedin. A vessel that recently .arrived in harbor brought as cabin passengers, amongst others, a couple of colonels, three majors, four captains, and several of lesser rank. I believe that all was not happiness on board during the voyage, but am not prepared to state any predisposing cause. Gentlemen proprietors of who are jubilant over getting the provincial district advertising, be not too proud; and gentlemen newspaper proprietors who have not obtained the advertising, be not cast down. So much eagerness to obtain the advertising at low prices was shown, that the Government, it is pretty reliably stated, intend next year to call for tenders from parties willing to pay for the privilege of publishing the Gazette notices. Let no one complain of want of Government economy.

MT HEADERS AND MYSELF.—A CHALLENGE AND OFFER TO FORFEIT £IOO,

The’queatiou of the relative circulations of tho Wellington papers having produced some warm writing, I am disposed to give my opinion thereon, and to offer a challenge and a bet in reference to my writings. In the first place then I have sworn a statutory declaration before a justice of the peace that I solemnly and sincerely believe all statements as to the circulations of papers to be more or. less little exaggerations, backed up by lan£fuage more or less violent. That disposes of one matter. Now, I offer to forfeit £lO9, and to pay the same to tho Benevolent Society, if I am unable to find two or three people who consider me an unparalleled scoundrel, and what 1 write unmitigated bosh. I will forfeit another £IOO if one of the Wellington papers should avoid characterising another as all that is worthless. ~ , Finally, I will forfeit a third £IOO if any enterprising scientific gentleman should succeed in making a couple of subjects whom I am prepared to place at his disposal decent members of their profession.