MARK TWAIN ON THE STUMP.

New Zealand Times, Volume XXXI, Issue 4910, 16 December 1876, Page 2 (Supplement)

MARK TWAIN ON THE STUMP.

Samuel L. Clemens, (Mark Twain), presided at a Republican; mass , meeting iu; Hartford, Conn., September 30, and made the following .opening address, as reported, in a despatch to the Times : .

Ladies and Gentlemen: I feel very greatly honored in ■ being: chosen to preside :at this meeting. This employment is new to me. I never have taken any part in a political - canvass before except to vote. The tribe of ■which lam the humblest member—the literary tribe—is one which is not given, to bothering about politics, but there are times when even the strangest .departures are justifiable, and such a season, I take it, is the present canvass. Someone asked rue the other, day why it was .that nearly, all, the people who write books and magazines had lately come to the front and proclaimed their political preference, since such athing had probably never occurred before -in America, "and why it was . that almost all. of this-strange; .new band of volunteers marched, under, the .banner, of Hayes and Wheeler. ; I think the*;., people have come to ; the front mainly because they think they.see at; last a chance to make this Government.a -good; Government; because they .think they .see a chance to institute an honest and sensible system .of [civil service which shall so amply .prove ; its. worth, and,, worthiness that no suc- ! -ceeding President can ever venture to put his : foot upon it. - I . I

Our present civil system, born of General: Jackson and the Democratic party; is so idiotic,; so Contemptible; ;so grotesque, that it would: make the-very savages. of Dahomey jeer and: the very gods of solemnity laugh.. Wo will not] hire . a. blacksmith .who never lifted a sledge. | We will not hire a school-teacher, who does not: know the alphabet. We will not have a man' about us in our, business' life, in any walk of: life low or high, unless; he-has served an apprenticeship, and: can prove that he is capable of doing the iyork ;he offers. to:do. .We even require a plumber to know something (laughter, and a pause by the speaker) about his business (renewed laughter), that he [shall at least know; which side of a pipe is, the inside. . (Roars of laughter;) But when you come , to our civil service, we serenely fill great numbers of our minor public offices with ignoramuses. We put the [ vast business of a i, Custom House in the hands of a flathead who does not know ..abill: of lading, from a transit of Venus > (laughter [and > applause), never having heard-of them before.,, (Laughter.) Under a Treasury , appointment we pour oceans of money and accompanying statistics through the hands, and brain of an : ignorant villager who never, before could .wrestle with a two weeks’wash bill without getting thrown. (Laughter.) .Under our Consular system we send. creatures all over, the world who. speak no language but their own,and;even when it comes to that, go wading all their, days through floods of moods and tenses, and.flourishing the scalps of mutilated;parts,.of speech; When forced to it we order a foreign .ambassador who is.frescoed all over with—with—with—indiacreetnesses— (laughter)—-but, we immediately send one in his place whose moral ceiling has a perceptible shady tint to it, and then ho brays when we supposed he was going to, roar. ; ■ We carefully train and educate our naval officers and military, men, and we ripen and perfect their capabilities through long serviceand experience, and-keep hold of; these excellent servants through a ; just system of promotion.: This is exactly what .wo.hope to,do with our, civil service under, Mr. Hayes, (Applause]). ,We hope And expect-to-sey,or that service as, utterly from politics as is the naval and military service, and wo hope to make it as respectable.

too. We hope to make worth and capacity the sole requirements of the civil service in the place of the amount of party dirty work the candidate has done. By the time Gen. Hawley has finished his speech, I think you will know why we, in this matter, put our trust in Hayes in preference to any other man. I am not going to say anything about our candidates for State officers, because you know them, honor them, .and will vote for them, but General Hawley, being comparatively a stranger (laughter), I will say a single word in commendation of him, and it will furnish one of the many reasons why I am going to vote for him for Congress. I ask you to look seriously and thoughtfully at just one almost incredible fact. General Hawley, in his official capacity as President of the Centennial Commission, has done one thing which- you may not have heard commented upon, and yet it is one of, the most astounding performances .of ' this decade, an act almost impossible, perhaps, to any other public officer in this nation. General Hawley has taken as high as 121,00Qdols. gate money at the Centennial in a single day (pause and applause), and . never stole a cent of it. (Great laughter and long continued applause.)