BROWN DIDN'T WANT IT.

New Zealand Times, Volume XXX, Issue 4565, 6 November 1875, Page 1 (Supplement)

BROWN DIDN'T WANT IT.

Max Adder has the following : A man came into Brown’s grocery store the other night while I was there, and the following conversation ensued. The man said : “ Mr. Brown, you don’t want to buy a firstrate wooden leg, do you ? I’ve got one that I’ve been wearing for two or three years, and I want to sell it. I’m hard up for money, and although I’m attached to that leg, I’m willing to part with it so’s I kin get the necessaries of life. Legs are all well enough ; they are handy to have around the house, and all that ; but a man must attend to his stomach if he has to walk about on tho small of his back. Now I’m going to make you an offer. That leg is Fairchild's patent ; steel springs, indiarubber joints, elastic toes and everything, and it's in better order than it was when I bought it. It’d be a comfort to any man. It’s the most luxurious leg I ever came across. If seraphic bliss kin ever bo reached by a man anywhere this side of the tomb, it belongs to the person who gets that leg on and feels the consciousness creeping over his soul that it is his’u. Consequently I say that when I offer it to you, when 1 give you tho first shy at it, I’m doing a personal favor ; and I think I see you jump at tho chance and want to clinch tho bargain before I mention—you'll hardly believe it, I know—that I’ll actually knock that leg down to you at four hundred dollars ! Four hundred, did I say ? I meant six hundred ; but let it stand, I never back out when I make an offer ; but it’s just throwing that leg away, it is indeed.” “ But I don’t want an artificial leg,” said Brown. “ The beautiful thing about the limb,” said the stranger, pulling up his trowsers and displaying tho article, “is that it is reliable. You kin depend on it. It’s always there. Some legs that I’vo seen aro treacherous. Most always some of tho strings bursting out, or the joints working backward, or the toes turning down and ketching

in things. Regular frauds. But it's almost pathetic the way this leg goes on year in and year out like an old faithful friend, never knowing an ache or a pain, no rheumatism, nor any such truck as that, but always good-natured aud ready to go out of its way to oblige you. A man feels like a man when he gets such a thing under him. Talk about your kings and emperors and millionaires, and all that sort of jackassery ! Which of 'em's got a leg like that ? Which of 'em kin unscrew his kneepan, and look at the gum thingamajigs in his calf ? Which of 'em kin leave his leg downstairs in the entry on the hatrack, and go to bed with only one cold foot ? Why, it's enough to make one of them monarchs sick to think of such a convenience. Its enough to make 'em morbid and billious. But they can't help it. There's only one man kin buy that leg, and that's you. I want you to have it so bad that I'll deed it to you for fifty dollars down. Awful, isn't it ? Just throwing it away; but take it, take it, if it does make my heart bleed to see it go out of the family." " Really I have no use for such a thing, said Mr. Brown.

“You can’t think,” urged the stranger, “ what a benediction a leg like that is in a family. When you don’t want to walk with it, it comes into play for the children to ride horsey on ; or you can take it off and stir the fire with it in a way that would depress the spirits of a man with a real leg. It makes the most efficient potato-masher you ever saw. Work it from the second joint, and let the knee kinder swing loose, you kin tack carpets perfectly splendid with the heel, and when a cat sees it coming at her from the winder, he just adjourns sine die, and goes down on the fence a-sereaming. It’s perfectly lovely. Now, you’re probably afeared of dogs. When you see one approaching you always change your base, and maybe shin up a tree or something. I don’t blame you ; I used to be that way before I lost my home-made leg. But you decorate yourself with this gorgeous artificial extremity, and then what do you care for dogs ? If a million of ’em came a-cohorting at you what’s the odds ! You merely stand still and smile, and sling out your spare leg, and let ’em chaw, let them fool with that as much as they’ve a mind to, and howl, and carry on, for you don’t care a cent. An’ that’s the reason why I say that when I reflect on how imposing you’d be as the chief engineer of such a leg, I feel like saying that if you insist on only offering only a dollar and a half for it, why, take it ; it’s yours. I’m not the kinder man to stand on trifles. I’ll take it off and wrap it tip in paper for you, shall I ?” “I’m sorry,” says Brown, “hut the fact is, I have no use for it. I’ve got two good legs already. If I ever lose one, why, maybe then “ I don’t think you exactly catch my idea on the subject,” said the stranger. “ Now, any man can have a meat and muscle leg. They are as common as dirt. It’s disgusting how monotonous people are about such things. But I take you for a man who wants to be original. You have style about you. You go it aloue, as it were. Now, if I had your peculiarities, do you know what I’d do ? I’d get a leg snatched off someway, so’s I could waltz around on this one. Or, if you hate to go to the expense of amputation, why not get your pantaloons altered, and mount this beautiful work of art just as you stand ? A centipede, a mere ridicklous insect, has half a bushel of legs, and why can’t a man, the grandest creature on earth, own three ? You wobble around this community on three legs and your fortune’s made. People will go wild over you as the three legged grocer ; the nation will glory in you ; Europe will hear of you ; you will be heard of from pole to pole. It’ll build up your business. PeopleTl flock from everywheres to see you, and you’ll make your sugar and cheese and things fairly hum. Look at it as an advertisement. Look at it in any way you please, and there’s money in it—there’s glory, there’s immortality ! I think I see you now, straddling around over this floor with your old legs working as usual, and this one going olickoty-clickalougwith ’em, making music for you all the time, and attracting attention in a way to fill a man’s heart with rapture. Now look at it in that way, and if it strikes you I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll actually swap that imperishable leg off to you for two pounds of water-crackers and a tin cup full of Jamaica rum. Is it ago ?” Then Brown weighed out the crackers, gave him an awful drink of rum, and told him if he would take them as a present and quit he would confer a favor. And he did. After emptying the crackers in his pockets and smacldng his lips over the rum, he went to the door, and as he opened it, he said—- “ Good-bye. But if you ever really do want a leg, Old Reliable is ready for you. It’s yours. I consider that you’ve got a mortgage on it, and you kin foreclose any time. I dedicate this leg to you. My will shall mention it, and if you don’t need it when I die, I’m going to have it put in the savings bank to draw interest until you check it out. Good-evening.”