A COLUMN. [From Punch's Almanac for 1850.]

New Zealand Spectator and Cook's Strait Guardian, Volume VI, Issue 515, 10 July 1850, Page 4

A COLUMN. [From Punch's Almanac for 1850.]

To Persons about to commence Housekeeping. Of all housekeepers there is not one that will keep a house longer than the Court of Chancery. It will keep it for a hundred years, at the end of that period, the house will be so thoroughly cleaned out, and swept from top to bottom, that no one shall know it to be the same. — Kensington Gardening Operations : Mothers should prepare for the season, by planting out delicate offshoots with a view to grafting on to young sprigs. For the purpose of grafting, it is better to select the older branches, which should be nailed with care. — Licenses : A marriage license costs five pounds, and a pawnbroker's costs fifteen. It has never yet been decided by the law authorities, whether a marriage license may be dispensed with in cases where a pawnbroker's license has been obtained ; the latter, perhaps, conferring the power of pledging one's vows, and popping the question. — Hints about fire : In case of fire, whatever may be the heat of the mo-

ment, keep cool ; let nothing put you ont but find something to put out the fire ; keep yourself collected, and then collect your .family. After putting on your shoes and stockings, call out for pumps and hose to the firemen. Don't think about saving your watch and rings, for while you stand wringing your hands, you may be neglecting the turncock, who is a jewel of the first water at such a moment. Bid him with all your might turn on the main. — Wise Sawi <by an old File ; Coal is the real philosopher's atone. It is the ballast of the good ship Britannia, which would be assuredly scuttled without it. The true glory of England consists in her coal, and alas ! how much of it, like other kinds of glory, is destined to end in smoke. — Rag Fair : It is a puzzle to know why the Lord Mayor's Procession is still continued every year in November, for its excessively «eedy state quite rips up the old excuse that it is done merely " for the show of the thing." — How to procure Golden Dreams at Will: Take a rock in a Californian " cradle."— Good Wishes for Christmas : May the ovtrnight face over the punch-bowl bear the morning's reflection in the looking-glass.-— What nation was most prominent in the Continental Troubles ? Hallucination. — To make tea go further than usual : When you put the water to your tea, add a spoonfnl of the best Gunpowder into the pot, and having set a light to it, you will find your tea go a great deal farther than you expected. — A new Reading of an old Request to John O'Connell: " Shut up your (agi) tator trap." — Eclipses : The ordinary almanacks state that there will be two eclipses in the course of the year 1850, but we beg to announce that there will be a third, for during the year 1850 Mister Punch will be found eclipsing all he has done hitherto. — Duty of Agreements; There is a duty of £1 on an agreement of not more than 1080 words, .but disagreements have many more words and go to much greater lengths, so that they are often very costly to the parties concerned. The duty ia these cases is to avoid them as much as possible. — A Far-fetched Comparison : The sense of the saying, " Jolly as a Sandboy," may puzzle the rational inquirer, and he will have to go some way to find it out ; but if he wishes to understand the peculiar jollity of the Sandboy, he should see him at work on the sand of California. — Legal Hints: When your lawyer tells you that you can maintain an action, he frequently has no other object in view than that you should assist in maintaining him. Under the Registration Act, it is not necessary to register a berth under Government. — Inequality of Taxes : The duty on a pack of hounds is thirty-six pounds, but on a pack of cards it is only eighteen-pence. — To Find the Time of Sunrise : The time of sunrise depends upon the latitude, and if you allow yourself too much latitude in lying in bed in the morning, you will never find the time of sunrise at all. A visit to a ball, where the dancing is kept up with the utmost latitude, will be most likely to introduce you to the exact hour of sunrise. — The Silent System : The Silent System is at all times most difficult to enforce with ladies, but in many places it would be downright madness to suppose that it can ever be carried out ; for instance, in Scotland, how could you possibly prevent there the Dears-talking ? — Family Preserves • Patience forms a good family preserve ;so does temper. Preserves, in general, are a woman's business ; but husbands, as well as wives, should be able to preserve temper and patience : indeed, perhaps the husbands more particularly than the wives.— - * Points of Prudence : If a pin a day is a groat a year, we ought, d fortiori, to have a sharp eye on every needle. The rule that a stitch in time saves nine, must be intended to apply chiefly to crotchet work, where the stitches will, probably, be in time, for every crotchet is equal to two quavers. — Advice to Grandmothers : No lady should remain at twenty more than half her life. — Speaking by the Card : There are wiseacres who pretend to read your character in your hand, but cardplayers must puzzle them, as it is well known that, in gambling, the best hands are held by the worst characters, or rather by person's of no character at all. — Made Wine : A serviceable claret may be made with a glass of port and a lump of sugar, thrown rapidly into a pint of water, and flavoured with a few drops of vinegar. If the wine is objected to, a small glass of brandy will give it body, and an extra lump of sugar will convert it into a fairish Bordeaux of an average quality.