A COLUMN. [From Punch's Almanac, for 1850.]

New Zealand Spectator and Cook's Strait Guardian, Volume VI, Issue 508, 15 June 1850, Page 4

A COLUMN. [From Punch's Almanac, for 1850.]

A Drawn Bonnet : A lady says, " that the prettiest bonnet she knows, is the bonnet drawn after a quarrel oat of your

husband." By-the-by, talking of drawn bonnets, we believe we are revealing no particular secret in stating that Shee it the artist who generally draws them. — How to make an Ethiopian : Get a pale man with a cracked voice. Shut him np in a room with a Campbine light burning. Release yonr pale man after a couple of hours, and if he is sufficiently black in the face, give him a white waistcoat, and yonr Ethiopian will be complete. If one Camphine will not do, try two. — A Contrast in Calves : In Hyde Park, during that delightful time of the year, the Season, the footmen of Belgravia make a grand display of their legs, which it is curious to compare with the show of wretched calves in Smithfitld, so discreditable to the livery of London. — Advica on the Teeth : A decayed tooth is like a penny steam-boat : — If you wish to "ease her," you will do wrong to "stop her;" and, in fact, the only thing you can do by way of remedy, is, to call upon the dentist, and get him to give you a "turn a-bead." — Directions to make a Will : Take a light dinner, with three-fourths of. a bottle of sound genial port to open the pores of th« heart. Cut all your animosities off with a shilling. If, however, you have a design against the artist who painted your portrait, you will bequeath it to the National Gallery. To insure society to your widow, only leave her your fortune on express condition that she marries again. After this, should she prefer poverty, the compliment will be doubly valuable. Should you have a grudge against any particular parish, leave a leg of mutton and trimmings to be rung for three times aweek at all the churches. N.B. It you make your will yourself, make it short and straightforward, like the words on a finger-post. Don't imitate legal phraseology. You can't go in a roundabout, like the lawyers, without meaning something— and the something may be fatal. — A Con. for the Corporation : Why are the Corporation, opponents of baths and wash-houses, inconsistent with themselves? Because, though they are not Bath chaps, they are pig-headed. — Dangerous Dealings : A Smithfield baigain is necessarily a gambling transaction, since it always involves risking the chance of a toss-up. — A Chance for the Worse : Smithfield, once celebrated for the firmness of its Martyrs, is now equally renowned for the obstinacy of its Cattleraarters. — How to make things pleasant in an Omnibus : Take a bull-dog in with you ; or a couple of babies,; or producea pistol, and quietly cock it ; or take the Hue and Cry out of your pocket, and as you read it, look most intently at the features of every person in the Omnibus. — An obvious Truism : If there were no beasts there would be no Smithfield. — Characteristics of a Nobleman : The elegance of his carriage and the loftiness of his gate. — Animals admitted to the Opera : Puppies and white kids. — Mild Weather Insurance : If the Weather Office belonged to Government, whom ought Lord John Russell to appoint for its director ? Father Mathew, to keep the weather temperate. — Advice to Sponges: The uninvited guest, who "drops in " the thirteenth to dinner, may make up his mind to the following catastrophe : that either the mistress of the house, or himself, is sure to be "put out," and perhaps both. — Enigma for Politicians : Why is a glass of good port like- a Protectionist party ? Because - it has a body without a head. — The Return of the Swallow : White-bait now make their appearance at Greenwich and Blackwall.— Natural History for Nephews : The aunt that has providently heaped together her store for the winter will repay attention. — To make Pigeons lay : An infallible plan for getting pigeons to lay, is giving them plenty of champagne at Epsom on the Derby day. — Ladies of England, answer this : If the man .is a wretch who lifts his hand against a woman, what must the woman be who raises the hearth-brush against a man — and? -that man her husband? — "That's your Ticket":" Etiquette in the dialect of cheap, tremendous sacrificing concerns, means "a ticket" — thus, to chalk inside just double of what is marked on a ticket outside, is what they call their "code of etiquette." — The Feast of Vision : The flowers of June, being in their richest bloom, and in the eye a magnificent blow-out. — Registration of Births : When a child is born, it is necessary, within 42 days, to give notice to the godfathers and godmothers, what name or names the blessed baby is to bear, that the initials may be duly registered on the silver mug expected.