THE MODEL AGITATOR. [From Punch.]

New Zealand Spectator and Cook's Strait Guardian, Volume V, Issue 377, 14 March 1849, Page 4

THE MODEL AGITATOR. [From Punch.]

He is born wiih the bump of Notoriety. This bump first expands at school. He heads all the rows. His special delight is in teasing the masters. As for punishments, they only whip him on to renewed rows. He is insensible to the cane, quite callous to the birch. At home the bump grows larger. He

bpllies the servants, and ,plays the democrat to bis younger brothers. " He is always jm open rebellion with> the governor,", and rety 'seditious .on the question of latch keys, -flit love of talk bursts out on every little occasion. He will not "ring the bell without & argument. lie is very rich in cpntradiclipnt. bavingjmlways a No for everybody else!s Yet. At last he revolts against parental tyranny, and is kicked out of doors. He is an injured man, and joins a debating club. The bumps get bigger. He attends a public meeting. The bump enlarges still more. He is called to the bar, and the bump has reached its culminating height. Henceforth he and Notoriety are two inseparables. He runs after it everywhere, and eventually, after numerous dodges through bye lanes, and heaps of mud, and narrow, dirty courses, and the most questionable paths, he catches the dear object of his pursuit. He is notorious. He has good lungs, and his reputation is made. He is a hearty hater of every Government. In fact he is always hating. He knows there is v«ry little notoriety to be gained by praising. The only thing he flatters is the mob. No? thing is too sweet for them, every word is a lump of sugar. He flatters their faults, feeds their prejudices with the coarsest stimulants, and paints, for their amusement, the blackest things white. He is madly cheered in consequence. In time he grows into an idol. But cheers do not pay, however loud. The most prolonged applause will not buy a mutton chop. The hat is carried round, the pennies rain into it, and the Agitator pours them into his patriotic pocket. It is suddenly discovered that he has made some tremendous sacrifice for the people. The public sympathy is first raised, then a testimonial, then a subscription. He is grateful, and promises the Millenium. The trade begins to answer, and he fairly opens, shop as a Licensed Agitator. He hires several journeymen with good lungs, and sends agents — patriotic bagmen — round the country tq. sell his praises and insults, the formei for himself, and the latter for everybody else. Every paper that speaks the truth of him is public'y hooted at ; everybody who opposes him is pelted with the hardest words selected from the, Slang Dictionary. A good grievance is star-* ted, and huntpd everywhere. People join inthe cry, the Agitator leading off 1 and shouting the loudest. The Grievance is run off its legs ; but another and, another soon follows, till there is a regular, pack of them. The ; country is in a continual ferment, and at last : rises. Riots ensue ; but the Model Agitator is the last person to suffer from them. He excites the people to arm themselves for the worst ; but begs they, will use no weapons. His talk is incendiary, his advice nothing but gunpowder, and yet be hopes no explosion will take place. He is an Arsenal wishing to pass for a Chapel or a Babyrlinen warehouse. He is all peace, all love, and yet his hearers grow furious as they listen to him, aud rush out to burn ricks and shoot landlords. He is always putting his head on the block. Properly speaking, he is beheaded once a quarter. A Monster Meeting is his great joy, to be damped, only, by the rain or the police. He glories in persecution. He likes to be prosecuted. He asks for it ; shrieks out to the Government — "Why don't you prosecute me ?" and cries, and gets quite mad if they will not do it. The favour at length is granted. He is thrown into prison, and grows, fat upon it ; for from that moment he, is. a i martyr, and paid as one, accordingly. The Model Agitator accumulates a-hand-some fortune, which he bequeaths to his sons,, with, the following advice, which is a rich .legacy of itself: — " If you wish to, succeed as an Agitator, you must buy your patriotism in the cheapest market, and sell it in the dearest."

Lost, a Planet.— rOh. yes! Oh. yes,! This is to, give notice,, that, the, planet called , Neptune has absconded,- and it is not known where.. He went out one nighc last month, and has not been seen since. It is supposed that he has gone to meet the comet, or that the vagabond is busy star-gazing. In either case,, any astronomer who. meets him, in -his walks is requested to keep his eye upon him, as the said planet is absent without leave, and has no right to be, a way. sky-It r king. All letters to, be sent (pre-pajd), to Monsieur L«verrier, at ihe,Obser,*au>ire, Paris. The -arid planet answers to the name of Neptune, winks very much, and never, keeps long in the same place*. Long live f iht^Zo4iac /—lbid./ — Ibid. -