EXTRACTS FROM PUNCH.

New Zealand Spectator and Cook's Strait Guardian, Volume III, Issue 203, 10 July 1847, Page 4

EXTRACTS FROM PUNCH.

Tom Thumb philosophizes on Kisses IS INTRODUCED TO THE RoYAL PrEsence. — American as I am — a free citizen of the smartest nation of creation, 'tisn't for me to find fault with the gals of free Columbia. Nevertheless, truth is mighty, and with : fair play will whip her weight in wild cats. Therefore, 1 cannot say much for the kissing of America. Governor Barnum tells me that I oughtn't to give any 'pinion of the matter ! till I get back again with all my snuff-boxes and tooth-picks, and pencil cases of crowned heads about me ; when the kisses will be a different matter, as the royalty of Europe will be saluted through me. But this I must say; the kissing of America, of my own countrywomen, was terrible cautious ; nothing more than what you may call respect with the chill off. But then Barnum says, 1 was nobody ; and gals don't kiss nobodies like somebodies. For all that, I'm a little riled when I think of it. For I remember, how at Ne^w York they used to look at me, and mince round and round me, and put their hands under my chin, as if I warn't a human cretur, but a gooseberry bush, and they were afraid of their fingers. And then the boldest on 'em kissed me short and not at all satisfactory ; for all the world as if they thought they was doing me a service, and riot themselves an honor. ! They'll find me rayther different when I get back, I calculate ; so they'd better practise a little afore I come among 'em. Now in England kissing is mighty hearty. The gals arn't a bit ashamed on it. I shall say no more here about the Maids-of-Honour as kissed me a million times in the Palace, but speak of 'Gyptian Hall, where I was kissed four thousand times a day, which is only allowing eight kisses a piece for every female : some on 'em took more — some less, but I'm striking the averages. I had when I was first shewed there some tarnation pretty dimples ; and in a month my cheeks was as smooth as an apple. The dimples was kissed out ; run away with by the lips of the ladies. I often said to Barnum, " Governor, this is by no means the Cheshire. I feel my face is wasting away with so much kissing; melting slick like a sugar-plum in a baby's mouth. Tell you what it is ; if I'm to lose my cheeks, I ought to make something by 'em. Therefore, its my opinion you should alter the price in this way. ' Them as only looks, a shilling ; them as kisses, eighteenpence.' Once or twice — for to be kissed eight different ways by five hundred females is nation hard work — once or twice, I thought

I'd have a notice writ, and hung about my neck ; sich a one as I seed at a flower show, with the words — "Admire, but touch not." I confess it : now and then I used to be riled ; used to say to myself, " Have you nobody at home to kiss ; that you will put on your bonnets and pattens to come and kiss a little gentleman in public ?" But as I said, take the people together, English kissing is mighty pleasant. In Scotland I was only kissed outright at private parties. Of that, as a man of honour, I say nothing. In public, the ladies used to blow kisses at me through their lingers. Was kissed tarnation in France. Rtyther disagreeable in one particular, as the ladies so very often left the paint upon my nose. Talking of France, it's a wonder I'm a single man. For when the King of the French heard from Barnum that I had got the fortin I have, I'm darned if he didn't say he must have me for one of the Princesses. Now, being a true republican, that didn't suit my book at all. " No, no," says Ito Barnum : " I don't mind the Princesses kissing me now and then, when I'm in a good temper, but I'd as soon run upon a snag as upon the marriage service. Seen too much of life, and been kissed a little too much round the world for that." So I escaped — cut slick from the Tuileries — going off in Barnum's hat-box. Well, I did think that I should give a whole accouut of all the kissing I've gone through, but on second thoughts it can't be done here, no how. The subject is so full — as Barnum says — that I can't do it justice in a little book, so I intend to make it a big history, by itself, with picturs of the ladies, with their lips made up jest as they attacked me ; made up now peaking like rose-buds, and now as if I was a cake at a pastry-cook's, made for nothing but to be eaten. It's wonderful to a man with my experience of lips to know what mouths can be made on 'em. Nobody would believe it, but they will when they see my book. And so to get back to Queen Victoria's palace. When the Maids-of-Honour had done kissing me, and's:ood — like flustered Birds of Paradise — a taking breath, the Lord-in-Waitin comes in agin, and says, "General, her Majesty the Queen will be very happy to see you." All the Maids-of- Honour fell back, and I following the lord, and — Barnum following me — walks into the presence of the Queen of the British Isles. I'd made up my mind to show my independence, to go in whistling " Yankee Doodle," or " Star of Columbia," but somehow 1 found my voice had departed — gone slick, and not even left its ghost behind — and Barnura, too, I shouldn't ha' known him ; he shook all over, and his face looked as if it had been dabbed with a pow-der-puff. I thought to myself, the British Lion must be somewhere, under some sofa p'raps, in the 'parimeut, and the Governor sees him, and shakes and is pale accordin'. I walks up to the Queen, who was a sittin' by the tea things. " I'm very happy, General," said her Majesty, "to seeycu here; Genius though ever so small, if it is genius, General, is welcome to this fire-place." Upon this, I Lowed as any gentleman would do to any lady. •' General," said Gracious Majesty, " allow me to introduce my husband." Whereupon Prince Albert said in the most affable manner — " I hope to improve the acquaintance of the General, when we go a gunning together," and then Royal Highness went on with his tea. " Do you take sugar, General ?" said Gracious Majesty with tongs in her hand. " I do, madam," said I ; for 1 found my voice coming back agin. "Which do you prefer?" said Gracious Majesty, with a smile that seemed to turn me into a lump of honey — "which sugar do you prefer, white or brown ?" *' Either," said I, " but if it isn't tlavegrown, I'm a true republican, and won't touch a tarnation morsel."