Odds and Ends.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 319, 23 March 1878, Page 3

Odds and Ends.

Some men are good because goodness pays best ; some are good for nothing. Tiie Ladies of the Russo-Turkish War.— Bella Horrida Bella. Darda Nells. Sofia. Sal Onica. Galli Polly. Be?s Arabia. Sue Ez. A conundrum. —Why should hanging the Examiner of Plays be a Ritualistic performence ? Because it would be swinging a censor. “That Horrid Bov.” — “Mamma, did you put in the pie the old piece of meat ? You said it was good enough for Mr. Boarder.” Speakinu of Chaucer, and Homer, what is really the oldest verse in existance ? —Why,- the Universe, of course ! Operations in Surgery.— Curing hams. Healing boots.. Opening a bank account. Letting a vein—man in. Putting plaster on a house. Music for the Million. —Wanted a composer to produce Overtures for Peace, which the belligerents will listen to. Improving the Shining Hour. -Paterfamilias : “It was on that occasion that Caesar sent the famous despatch;' ‘ Veni, vicli, vicV!” Ingenious boy ; “Ah, that would go for a shilling !” Professional Rights. —Lady : “ Sixpence is a great deal to charge for sweeping my doorstep ! I generally only give the little boys twopence.” Arab: “ Amatoors, mum, ! ainatoors !” A Grave Answer.— Doctor : “Thomas, did Mrs. Popjoy get the medicine I ordered yesterday ?” Thomas: “ I b’leeve so, sir ; I see all the blinds down this morning.” A grocer in Washington advertises that he has “ whiskey for sale that has been drank by all the Presidents, from General Jackson down to the present time.” “Silence in the court !” thundered a Kentucky Judge the other morning: “ a half-dozen men have been convicted already without the Court’s having been able to hear a word of the testimony !” Incidential.— “ls that young lellowa dentist?” asked Spriggins, as a spruce young M. D. hurried by. “ Well, he says he is,” replied Dr. Stuart,” but he is hardly a regular—merely an inside-dental operator.” Aden. — Perspiring Sub. (the Regiment had just arrived at the garrison—to Non-commissioned Officer): “ Well, Corporal Casey, what do you think of Aden ?" Corporal: “Phew! Sliure I don’t wonder if Adam an, Ave was onasy in’t, sorr !!” Literary. — \n annual grant is promised towards printing Whitmee’s “Comparative Polynesian Dictionary.” We are informed that the fascinating work will be shortly followed by the “Positive Archipelagian Gazetter" and the “Surpelative Equatorial Encyclopedia.” The Future of the Phonograph.— Ardent lover: “ You ask for some proof of my affection, my devotion What proof can I offer you ? Stay ! I have it ! I am ready to breathe my vows into the Young Lady’s Best Companion, or Breach-of-Promise-Self-Registering-Evidence-Phonograph ! There !” Rector : Those pigs of your, are Jin fine condition, Jarvis.” —Jarvis: “Yes, sur they be, Ah.sur, if we was all on us onl’y ns fit to die as them are, we’d do ” The Recent Gales.— The sea may be assailed with such epithets as gr-edy, furious, mad, wild, raging, and so forth ; but it can never be called reckless A Philadelphia reporter, in describing the turning of a dog out of court by order of the bench, says:— “ The ejected canine, as lie was ignominiously dragged from the room, cast a glance at the judge for the purpose of being able to indentify him at some future time.”

Th e following is given asaspecimen of the convorsration of Chicigo young men :—“ Do you abbreve?”— “Why, cert. Don’tyour”—“ Bet. I think it’s splend, don’t you?”—“ Magniff.”—Going to hear Carl Schutz’s lee. ?”—“ No, he’s on Hayse’s caband won tiee here ” —“ Is that pos.?”—“Dead cert.”—“ Well, it makes no cliff, to me, I was’nt going.” He ran somewhat hastily into a cigar-store and said pompously, “ Give me one of your best Matilda cigars.” —“ I guess von mean a Manilla," said the assistant.— “ Oh, yes,” he said, “ I was thinking of another girl ” AViien the foreman of a Cleveland paper calliopes down the tin telephone for “ more copy,” the editor cal my blows the foam hack from the edge oE a halfgallon measure, and replies in unruffled tones : “Hammer another Black .Sea on the war map, and gave it to ’em again.”

“ Why, my dear Miss Smith, how can you afford to • dress so extravagantly in these hard times ?” “ Hard times ! Why, your husband must have remained in business, didn t he ? ’ “ Certainly, he has kept goin° r • on as usual, and worke 1 hard, as he says, to keep his head above the tide ; but I am sorry to say he has •not made much money lately.” “l thought so. There is where he made a great mistake. Now my : husband, as soon as he saw the financial breakers ahead - went into bankruptcy, and retired from business to .wait for better times.” “Ah!” said Mrs Jones The Colorado Beetle.—A Whitehall farmer rei ceived a circular a while ago, stating that by remitting . a dollar a recipe would be sent that would prevent i potato bugs from getting a foot-bold in his section. ‘ He sent the dollar, for which he received the following : recipe The potato bugs travel on the railway ' tracks frem place to place, and in the night only when 'the trains are not running. If you will turn the switch at your railroad station, and place a hogshead .•of oil of vitriol at the end of each rail for them to 1 tumble into as they leave the rails, you will effectually • prevent the bugs from getting a foothold in vour lo- < eality.

Novel Application of the Telephone.—A De- • troit saloon-keeper has suffered much pecuniary loss - .-it the hands of dead-beats, and lias racked liis brain foi a remedy. It does not pay to knock a man down because lie lias no money, and harsh words collect a • crowd and give a place a bard name. The other day the saloonist got the idea he had been struggling after. . rigged up a wire, a mouth jiiece, and other parts of ' a telephone, and was ready for the first case. It came along yesterday morning. . A well dressed and decent looking man called for brandy, swallowed it, and •-NOttly s ‘ ,u * : I'll call around and settle as soon as I can get a cheque cashed.” “ All riaht,” smilled the .■saloonist, and lie stepped back to the mouthpiece, and •called out : ' Chief of xiolice, are you in ?” The beat

halted to sec what was going on, and the saloonist continued: “All right. I wanted to give you a desc iptioo of a suspicious-looking character -just gone out of my saloon. Are you ready ?” There was an interval of two or three seconds, and the saloonist went on: “About five feet eight—light liair—blue eyes goatee—brown overcoat —black- ” “Say, you !” exclaimed the beat, “ here’s your fifteen cents for that brandy ! I had tome change in my vest pocket !” “ Oh—all—yes,” smiled the saloonist, and talcing the money he went ho the moutli-piece and called : “ It’s all right—l made a mistake —man is as good as wheat!” The beat walked out without a word, but as be reached the street be growled : “ That was a dead give-away on me, and I'd like to punch old Professor Bell’s head about half an hour.” Misunderstood. —Capfc. Ahrens, a neat, n'ce little blonde of an ex-Prussian officer, best known to fame as husband to Pappenheim, caused a laughable error at tiie Peabody Hotel, Christmas Eve night. Going to the steward, Hie Captain said : “ I want supper for twenty-seven after te obeera tonidt,” “Certainly, sir,” from the steward. “Te finest you can get up, mint you.” “Certainly, sir.” The opera was over and tiie cantatrice was going to her room. Tiie head waiter steps out, shows his ivory, and bows. “ They are ready, Madam.” “What?” questioned the great Eugenie i*. “ Tiie twenty-seven suppers you ordered.” “Me?” The eyes ot the .Madam stared. “ Your husband ordered them, Madam,” “ No, not twenty-sefen supper, but doo supper for number twenty-sefen room I orter,” said tiie little Captain, as lie eamo up with liis great spouse’s wraps. An explanation followed The cantatrice’s mom was No. 27, but the steward understood the Cajitain to mean twenty-seven suppers, there being just twenty seven members of the troop staying at the hotel. The bill was settled. Choosing a Wife. — A wedding as abrupt, if not as fantastic, as Mr. Wenunick’s took place on New Year’s night, at Malboro on tli Hudson. During the afternoon a well-known resident of the village called on the Rev. Dr. Osbon and invited him to dinner at six o’ clock. “ Bring a marriage certificate with you,” said the host: “We may have a wedding there to-night.” Tne doctor is a discreet man, and did as he was told. At his friend’s house he met a large company, and after dinner was announced took his seat at the wellappointe > table. The host undertook to carve the turkey, but made such bungling work of liis duties that one of the guests was constrained to remark to him, “Yon should get married, then your wife would teach you the proper way to do these things.” The host did not deny this soft impeachment, but told what manner of woman he should like for a wife, ending by saying : “ Now, before we proceed further, ’spose we take a vote as to who I shall marry.” Tiie company entered into the canvas with great hilarity, and after the vote was taken it was declared that the host was in duty bound to marry his housekeeper, a young and well educated lady who had presided over the establishment for more than a year. The young lady had stepped into the kitchen to give some final directions to the cook, and when she returned she was informed of the views of the company. She was completely taken aback, but after the ladies had coaxed her to give her consent, she placed herself in the hands of her friends. “ Halloo ! let’s get married now !” exclaimed the host, with the imperturbable Wemmick’s selfpossession. The dinner was suspended—indeed it had scarcely begun ; the bride took off her white apron ; the bridegroom dropped liis. napkin; the two were made one ; the marriage certificate was signed ; and the company kissed tiie bride and sat down to dinner with a first-rate appetite. The next day a spinster in the neighborhood, hearing what had happened, raised her hands toward Heaven and exclaimed in a spirit of true devoutness, “Lord! how sudden; there's no tellin’ whose turn’ll come next.”