Odds and Ends.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 318, 16 March 1878, Page 3

Odds and Ends.

An In-keeper.—A gaoler. Products of Africa.—Explorers’ books. Curious Statistics.-—A woman looses one tenth of her life in looking for her thimble.

Punch says that the clergy should be distinguished as “ Thirty-nine-articled Clerks.” Why is a prudent man like a pin ? Because his head prevents his goiug too far. "Why are washerwomen unreasonable ?—They expect to have soft water when it rains hard. Why are a whale and a poncl-lily alike ? —They both come to the surface to blow.

Why is a hansom cab a dangerous carriage to drive in ? Because the coachman always drives over your head. •Juvenile Thirst for Knowledge—“ Mamma,” asked a precious juvenile, “ how can they tell a sweep among the negroes ?” When a Virginia gentleman asks another to drink, 3ne blandly says, “ Shall we give the public debt a lift ” And they lift. Con. for our Teetotal Friends.—Why are four singers like one-fourth of a gallon of consumed beer ? ‘One is a quartett.. and the other a quart drunk. An unsophisticated New England commercial traveller, on reading the sign “ General Merchandise” on a store, walked in and asked if he could see the General.

Guest —“ How did cabbages happen to grow in that alleyway ; they certainly couldn’t have been planted there.” Acute porter—“La, no; that’s where thege’men throw tlieir Havana cigar stumps.” “ Madam,” said an impertinent boarder to his landlady, “ your butter is to aristocratic for my democratic taste. It is one of the cases in which sweetness is preferable to rank.” An editor in Mississsippi recently wrote, “Before our subscribers go down to bathe in the bayou, we wish they would send their cards down to this cilice, for we do not like to print a man’s name wrong who has been devoured by an alligator.”

Early News. —When a small boy with a prejudice against dogs observes an old oyster-can in a condition of inactivity, lie at once begins debating whether it was created to point a moral or adorn a tail. The dog gets the first news of the decision.

Practical Geordie.—-Materfamilias(showing her ■ olive-branches to the minister) —•“ Yes, sir, this is Jimsey. What will wemak’ ye, laddie ?” Jimsey—“ Male’ me a mason like ma faither.” Mater —“ That's aguid * boy ; and noo, Geordie, what will we mak’ you ?”Geor- • die (sulkily) : “ Mak’ me ma parriteh !” Tableau ! Wisdom in Puns.- —Sydney Smith once said that ’ clergyman might be divided into three elssses—Nimi rods, Ramrods, and ilsl ing-rods. It was not a bail epigram, but it has been beaten by an American, who says that railways are built upon three gauges—broad ; gauge, narrow gauge, and mortgage. She Knew. —“Do you know ■ When the swallows homeward fly ?” asked a young man of his inamorata, ■as he leaned oyer the piano. “Of course I do,” she . replied, in a voice as far apart as a barber’s comb. “ They fly home when they want their grub.” And ■ then slie began to sing, “Would I were a b-i-r-r-d.” A Hard Man.—Tommy came home from school, and handed to his father the master’s report on his pro- ■ gross during the month. “ This is very unsatisfactory, Tom ; you’ve a very small number of good marks. I’m not at all pleased with it.’, “ I told the master you wouldn’t be, but he wouldn’t alter it,” declared Tommy. A Useful Animal.—The following amusing story occurs in an American journal. A stranger on a fishing tramp arrives at a farm in the back districts :—“ Why, ■ that spotted hog is just like one I saw in the same pen when I was this way seven years ago and he replied, “ Of course ; it’s the same animal.” I asked him “ Why he had not killed it and raised up other hogs ?” and he answered, “ Why, bless ye, man, that hog eats all the swill we make, and, consequently, there ain’t no sense in killin’ him and buyiu’ another.”

“ Mr. Blank appointed a foreign minister, eh ? ’ remarked old Mrs 0 ,as she glanced up from the paper she was reading. “ Why he’s no minister. He’s only a lawyer; and they do say he can swear like a pirate, and she stopped reading to meditate upon the degeneracy of the pulpit. Almost a Landscape.—A popular actress’s langh while playing the part of herionein a favourite comedy is thus described by a dramatic critic—“ First, as it were, it looks out of the eyes to see if the coast is clear, then steals down into a pretty dimple of the cheek, and ricles in an eddy there for a while ; then waltzes at the corners of the mouth like a thing of life ; then bursts its bonds of beauty and fills the air for a moment with a shower of silvery-tongued echoes, and then steals back to its lair in the heart to watch again for its prey.” Neighbours.—Smith was out in his garden the other evening daubing a coat of tar on the trunk of a choice cherry-tree, when Jones his next-door neighbour, with whom lie was not on very good terms, came out and industriously set to work nailing laths between the pickets on the open fence. “I thought I’d fix this tree so that your dog wouldn’t be able to get into it when the cherries are ripe,” sarcastically observed Smith, as the work went on. “ Yes, I see,” replied Jones; “ and this reminded me that if the space was reduced your cat couldn’t reach through and pick my raspberries.” A deep and profound silence followed. Shut Ur throubh a Shutter.—A hatter in Dundee, “ three sheets in the wind,” on a very stormy night attempted to put up his shutters. The wind, which blew a perfect hurricane, caught the shutter, and. making a lug-sale of it, the hatter found himself in the middle of the street before he brought up. Loosing his reckoning, the man of hats steered his course to the opposite side, where he very considerately put the shutter on the window of a baker’s shop. Having accomplished this feat, the hatter deliberately walked into the baker’s shop to get the other shutters, when, lo and behold, his stock of hats had been at once transformed into loaves of all shapes and sizes. Staring at the strange phenomenon, all that the amazed hatter could do was to exclaim “Well, I’m blowcd !” “ There is no mistake about that, anyhow,” remarked the baker. “You just take off that shutter and be bioived back again.” The Biter Bit. —Romien, the French actor, was an incorrigible joker, but one day he was very neatly taken in by a clockmalcer in the Palais Royal. Enter Romien, pretending to be a gentleman from the country, of a very simple type indeed. Romien, with strong provincial accent : “Pray, sir, can you tell me what are those little round machines hung up in your shop window?” Clockmalcer : “They are called watches, sir.” Unhooks one and shows it. Romien: “Ah, watches ! And what are they for, please ? Clockmaker : “To in-di-cate the time, sir ! To in-di-cate the time! And how, pray?” Cloclcmaker; “I will show you.” Enters into brief but lucid explanation, then concluding : “You must wind up the watch every twenty-four hours.” Romien; “Every twentyfour hours ! Morning or evening ?” Clockmalcer: ‘ Morning.” Romien: “Why morning?” Clockmalcer, blandly : “ Because, Monsieur Romien, in the evening you are generally tipsy !” Exit Romien. The Moral of Morton’s Case. —There is of course, a moral—if not several morals —to be drawn from the detection of Mr. Morton, the eminent Philadelphia thief, and it is pleasant to find that the religious teachers of Philadelphia are prompt to explain what this moral is. On the Sunday following the downfall of Morton's reputation, and at a subsequent meeting of a society called the Ministerial Union, a number of Philadelphia ministers expressed their views of the matter. They all agreed that Morton was found to be a thief, because, as the president of the Permanent International Exhibition, he bad favoured the opening of the exhibition on Sunday. Much joy was manifested at this signal proof of the wickedness of opening an industrial exhibition on Sunday, llev. Dr. Nevin — if he is correctly reported, which, of course, it is possible he is not—remarked that when he heard of Morton’s downfall he felt a joy like that of the children of Israel when they saw Pharaoh’s host swallowed up by the Red Sea. Even if Dr. Nevin did not use the language attributed to him, there is no doubt that the general sentiment of the members of the Ministerial Union was one of joy over the fall of the man who had consented to open the exhibition on Sunday, and that they distinctly taught that Morton’s detection was a judgment upon him for his anti-Sabbatarian wickedness. It is a great comfort to all right-minded men that the true lesson of the swindler’s life should be thus clearly pointed out. The young and the irreligious can now clearly see that if they want to steal without detection they must avoid “ Sabatli-Breaking. ” So long as they oppose the opening on Sunday of any exhibition, no matter how innocent or improving its character may be, they can steal in safety and comfo-t. If, however, they neglect this rule, they will find that their evil jn-actices will come to light: their opportunities of stealing will be taken from them ; and the members of the Philadelphia Ministerial Union will hold them up as examples of the dreadful consequences of providing the laboring classes with other Sunday resorts than beer gardens and rum shops.