Odds and Ends.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 232, 19 February 1876, Page 3

Odds and Ends.

A handicap.—A capful of money. Wine and cider illustrates the power of the press. You make your money last, by getting somebody else to make it first. Hakdkebohief flirtations, to be successful, must have a fool on either side of the street to make the motions. ■ . In Baltimore any drummer for a wholesale house who does not call himself " Colonel" or " Major" isn't considered much of a drummer. No Answers. country, a plain governess.—Apply to &c."— Western Mail. . , , . What is the difference between a bachelor and a band for a horse ? One is a single sir, and the other is a sur-cingle. ~ -. Ik-rational. —Hungary is busy considering proposals for next year's Diet. It can't be very Hungary to put off its Diet all that time.— lbid. - The Mother Tongue.—Schoolmaster: ''What's the meaning of Apparent, Boy ?" Boy : " Your Mother, Sir ; or the Old Man."— Judy. Idv Lewis, the heroine of Lime Rock, is as frank as she is self-sacrificing and brave. She says it always worries her a good deal to see a man drown. A young lady, after reading attentively the title of a novel called "The Last Man," exclaimed: "Bless me, if such a thing were ever to happen, what would become of the women." Deluded farmer, quit your quest, You'll advertise in vain : What woman ever yet confessed, Or thought, that she was plain ?— Punch. Jest as well.— Apropos of the Hythe scandal, his Royal Highness the Commander-in-Chief has announced his intention to put down practical joking, so far as the army is concerned. The date of the Duke's resignation of his present position is not yet announced.— Fun. ' A countryman, just recovering from the effects of a severe boil on his nose, stopped an urchin near Fort Greenland asked him the way to the corner of Fulton and Clinton streets. The lad glanced at him suspiciously a moment and said, "Well, yer needn't go there, mister ; there ain't no gin-shop on that corner." Very stern parent indeed : " Come here, sir! What complaint is this the schoolmaster has made against you?" Much injured youth: "It's just nothing at all. You see, Jemmy Hughes bent a pin, and I only just left it on the teacher's chair for him to look at, and he came in without his specs and sat right down on the pin, and now he wants to blame me for it." Each had long viewed the other as a rival, and when they met at a picnic the other day, Jane took occasion to say, very frankly:—"Mary, Harry told me last week that he didn't really love you." "Indeed, Jane," replied Mary, with great dignity, " and he also told me that the most you could expect, if you ever married, would be to make some man a comfortable widower." Women are only a little lower than the angels. Not so very Wrong.—Mistress: "Yes, it is above the average. By the way—(to first boy>—what i sthe meaning of average ?" First Boy: " Please, m', don't know!"—Second Boy : "A thing hens lay on !" —Mistress: " Nonsense, what do you mean ? " Second Boy : "Why, father says our hens lay four eggs a day —on an average ! " — Fun. The Naked Truth. —The Emperor of Germany has returned to Berlin from Milan, with a bad cold. When he visited the theatre of the latter town one of our contemporaries described him as completely wrapped up in the ballet. Probably this scanty attire has induced the little ailment from which he is j present suffering.— Hid.

. A youngster being requested to write a composition upon some portion of the human body, selected that which unites the head to the body, and expounded as follows:-" A throat is convenient to have, especially to roosters and ministers. The former eats corn and crows with it; the latter preaches through his'n, and then ties it up. ( This is pretty much all I can think of about necks. " Out o' Session."—Grandma' (from the country): " My dears, I come up Parli'mentary a purpose, because I thought I'd see as much as I could. But would you believe it, there wasn t a single—not so much as a Irish Member o' Parli'ment in the whole train?" . . ■ . ~ . ' Sydney Smith had a maid who used to boil the eggs very well by her master's watch : but one day he could not lend it to her because it was under repair, so she took the time from the kitchen clock, and the eggs came up nearly raw. rr "Why-didn t you take the three minutes from the clock as you do from the watch, Mary?" "Well, sir," replied Mary, "I thought that would be too much, as the hands are so much larger." A Car-driver's Religion. The Chicago Tribune contributes the following: "'What religion am I, eh ?' said a driver on a Randolph street car. \jL el }> I'm a kinder limited ITnivarsalist.' 'Limited Umversalist?' responded his querist in amaze, 'if you re a Universalist at all, you must believe that every one'll be saved : 'I know, I know,' replied the man of brakes, ' most every one'll be saved, but of course there's got to be exceptions, like there is to every general rule. It stands to reason 'taint likely an allmerciful Father'd save them draymen as always crosses a down grade of a suddent, or the woman tha,t talks on the crossing with her panier turned to us till the car's gone by, and then hails it and scolds the driver, or the man who stops the car in the middle of a block and then gets on again because he a made a mistake. No, sir, p'raps of course they 11 stop the celestial car for them cattle, but ef they do, you bet they'll have to h§jjg_on by the brakeiron. No seats for them, I guess. Car*' " _ The Reward of Virtue. —There is a nice little story about a Boston boy who threw a ball through a window, and then went honestly to the owner of the hoiise, confessed what he had done, and gave him the address of his father. It is well to circulate good stories like these, as they frequently stimulate other boys to go and do likewise. A Danbury boy who read this story was throwing stones at a dog on White-street, one afternoon, when a missile missed its aim and flew through a four-dollar pane' of glass. The first impulse of the boy was to lift his feet and depart from that neighborhood with vehemence, but the experience of the Boston boy suddenly came to Mm, and with it the glow of pleasure he had felt in perusing it, and he made up his mind at once that he would go to the man, tell him what he had done, and give him the name of his father. It was a beautiful —nay, a grand and inspiring scene, this little pale-faced but honest eyed boy, humbly but firmly confessing the wrong to the deeply affected merchant. That evening the manly youth returned home. As he opened the door to pass in, he felt himself suddenly grasped by the collar bone and lifted into the air, and then dropped down again with a swiftness that startled him. And then the voice of his father pealed forth) —" Break windows, will ye ? (another jerk) destroy people's property, hey?— (cuffing him under the ear) —and then go an' tell 'em who did it, you infernal vagrant !" And he picked up the struggling and screaming but noble lad, and threw him over his knee, and during the next five minutes a boiler explosion might have taken place in the next building without being noticed. The boy was at the depot next day, inquiring the fare to Boston. — Danbury Neivs. '. .