Odds and Ends.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 229, 29 January 1876, Page 3

Odds and Ends.

A Legal and Useful Mill, —The paper-mill. Sure to produce short crops—the barber's shears. Serve Him Right.—The man who "couldn't find his match" went to bed in the dark. When is a soldier's ammunition-box like a country road ?—When it is full of cart-ridges. A Los Angeless woman has made her husband cut off his beard and give it to her for a switch. "I wish I was a pudding, mamma !" "Why?" '"Cause I should have such lots of sugar put into me." Davenport has a girl who spells backwards. We never thought backwards was a hard word to spell before. Among the things sent to the starving people of Kansas, was a tract, headed "The Wickedness of Gluttony." A wag lent a clergyman a horse that ran away and threw him, and then claimed credit for spreading the Gospel. An auctioneer once advertised a lot of chairs, which, he said, had been used by " school-children without backs."

A father in lowa recently gave his daughter a lead mine as a bridal present. They say that he came down heavy. Extraordinary Fact.—A couple lived two weeks on whisky and bread. She ate the bread, and he drank the whisky. They have discovered Michael Angelo's private correspondence ; it's a good thing for poor Mike that he was never in Brooklyn. "You want a flogging, that's what you do," said a parent to his unruly son. " I know it, dad ; but I'll try to get on without it," was the reply A lazy fellow falling a distance of fifty feet, and escaping with only a few scratches, a bystander remarked that he was " too slow to fall fast enough to hurt himself.'"

A philsophee presents the following general deductions from his observations at a picnic:-—"Girls with small feet are the most venturesome in climbing trees or wading swamps." Before she suicided, Miss Mary Robinson of Galveston, Texas, said to a young lady friend, " Please get my brother to make a fence round my grave, and get your brother to plant me a sign with poetry on it." A gentleman, giving a lecture to some boys, was explaining how no one could live without air. He then said, " You have all heard of a man drowning —how does that happen ?" The ready answer was, "'Cause he can't swim."

Max Adeler, the humorist, has married a young lad}'whose weight verges closely upon 2001bs. "My dear," he said to her the da)' after marriage, " shall I help you over the fence!" "No, my Max," she responded, "help the fence." A Lancaster (Indiana) youth sent a dollar to a New York firm, who advertised that for that sum they would send a recipe to prevent bad dreams. In reply to his letter the country lad received a card with the words "Don't go to sleep" plainly printed uiJon it. Logic.—There is a lady who will not permit her children to eat anything of which Indian meal constitutes an ingredient, for fear it may make them savages. She must be the same lady who would not let her children eat spinach, for fear it would make them green. A Good Reason".—Two Yankees were once describing the character of another. One defended him and the other disparaged his honesty. "Well," said the first, " you must admit he has lots of moral principle." "He orter have," retorted the second, "for he never uses any." Judge Cl vrborxe Siiead, of the Richmond County Court, Alabama, has this "broad hint" posted in his office : —" The Mathematic of Crime —Statistics show that, of every ten men who die in this country, seven are talked to death. Take heed that thou no murder do." A couple of Yankee neighbors became so hostile that they would not speak to each other ! but one of them, having been converted at a camp-meeting, on seeing his former enemy, held out his hand, saying, "How d'ye do, Kemp?l am humble enough to shake hands with a dog." Candour.—A gentleman in London hired a cab recently, and when the cabman said how much his fare was (a great deal more than the proper thing), the gentleman said to him, "Is there not such a thing in all London as an honest cabman ?"" Well, sir," said cabby, "I never saw none of'em." The gentleman gave him the fore and a bonus.

A Nassachusetts man Is currying favor with the fair sex by a tract in which he seeks to show that there are two heavens, one for men and one for women. The latter are to pass into their heaven without discrimination, but the men are to be sifted before admission. He is surprised that his tract is not a success, and thinks now that the girls don't like two localities. A Rebuke. —Two persons were once disputing so loudly on the subject of religion, that they awoke a big dog which had been sleeping on the hearth before them, and he forthwith barked most furiously. An old divine present, who had been quietly sipping his tea while the disputants were talking, gave the dog a kick, and exclaimed, "Hold your tongue, you silly brute ! You know no more about it than they do." ••«.'* According to a Cologne newspaper, there is m that city a booth in which is exhibited " a bearded lady. At the entrance is stationed a girl to take money. Recently, a visitor, having feasted his eyes on the strange phenomenon, thinking on his departure to have a joke with the little money taker, said to her, fondling her under the chin all the while, " Well, little one, I suppose the bearded woman is your mamma, eh?" "No, sir," replied the child, "she is my papa." The Literal Truth. —A curious letter was received the other day at the Post Office Department of New York. It enclosed one dollar, was addressed by a lady at Jerseyville. 111., "In Care of any liar, ravana, porteg Co., Ohio," and contained inquiries relative to a missing husband. The letter was intended for "any lawyer," but on account of the peculiarity of the manner in which the writer spelt "lawyer," no one of that ilk could be found in Ravenna to claim it.

A gentleman once paying his addresses to a young lady, the daughter of a rich American planter, and who, of course, might be expected to be very accomplished, inquired of her if she was not lonesome, there being no society in the neighborhood, and how she spent her time. She replied that she was not lonesome, and that she amused herself with reading and writing. He asked her whether she was most fond of writing prose or poetry. "Nary one," said she, " I write small-hand." The Longest Day.—At Spitzbergen the longest day lasts three months and a half. This must certainly make it bj.d for young people who only do their courting on Sunday nights. But, on the other hand, just fancy the sweetness long draw out when this night happens to fall on Sunday ! Three months of steady courting—looking fondly into each other's eyes, talking about the state of the weather, the crops, &c. ! Poetry between Miss Brown and Mr Smith, poetlaureate of America : " Brown eyes, with flashing gleams of light, And beaming face and sunny hair, Brown eyes, come meet my gaze to-night, And say am I reflected there? " Answer—- " Smith's eyes, so very gooseb'y like, With pasty face and carrot hair, Smith's eyes no fire can ever strike, And none can find reflection there." A woman says what she pleases without being knocked down for it. She can take a snooze after dinner, when her husband goes to work. She can go out into the street without being asked to stand ".treat." She can stay at home in time of war, and get married again if her husband gets killed. She can wear corsets if too thick, and other fixings if too thin. She can get divorced from her husband whenever she sees one she likes better. She can get her husband into debt all over until he warns the public not to trust her on his account. They have a serenading club in Burlington. An old gentleman who knew they were coming to play something under the windows of his heiress daughter, engaged another instrument to play something, and return the serenaders' compliment. The old gentleman's "play-something" instrument was a steam fire-engine. One of the serenaders exclaimed, seeing what was coming round the corner, "There's the h ose —there's the hose ! " and he ran off. The other serenaders looked up at the window, expecting to catch sight of a different kind of hose. They thus presented a full and innocent target, and the water played a fearful tune with them. They have not been out serenading since.