Odds and Ends.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 227, 22 January 1876, Page 3

Odds and Ends.

The difference between the cook and her lover — The one cooks the meat and the other meets the cook. A Missouri paper has undertaken to discourage dying. It publishes marriage notices free, but charges heavily for obituaries. Why is a church bell more affable than a church organ ? Because one will go when it is tolled, but the other will be “ blowed” first. A man in Illinois broke into the house of a widow. She pitched him out of doors. A striking evidence of the power of the widow’s might. Young lady guides are coming into fashion in the White Mountains, and the number of miss-guided youths in that section this season is said to be astonishing. The American Rochefoucauld says, “When a man has a business that doesn’t pay, he usually begins to look around for a partner to share his losses with him. ” It is reported that a Maine woman was true to her lover and married him when he came back from California, after an absence of twenty years. N.B.— He came back rich. A fellow walked into a Troy music store the other day, called for a piece of music entitled “ Act on the Square,” and while the clerk was looking for it walked off with the till with £SOO in it. “There was an old family fuel between them,” was what a witness in a Chicago murder case said to the jury. The judge asked her if she didn’t mean “feud;” and she asked him who was telling the story. “ Eh, Doctor,” said a Bailie of a small Scotch town one day to a friend, “ he maun liae been an extraordinary man that Shakspere; there are things hae come into his head that never would hae come into mine at a.” A young fellow having been charged with getting tipsy the night before, and wishing to justify himself, declared that he never was tipsy in his life, and never meant to be, for it always made him feel so bad the next morning. The following is said to be a popular song in Duluth : “ Beefsteak when I’m hungry, Whisky when I’m dry, Greenbacks when I’m hard up, And Heaven when I die !” The following advertisement recently appeared in a New York paper :—“A father wants to find a school for his son where a manly and useful education will be given him, and where the teachers do not fill the heads of their pupils with humbug stories about nations that died and were buried thousands of centuries ago, not a citizen of which could either command a steamboat or keep a hotel." A Conductor on the Chicago and North-Western Railway recently kissed one of his lady-passengers, a Miss M’Cracken. She resented his action, and instituted a suit against the railroad for damages on the ground that she was kissed by the -whole company through the conductor as agent. An Illinois jury awarded her 1000 dols., which is S 3 dols. from each director, or 10 cents from each stockholder. When a clerical friend of ours was a probationer, he was appointed to preach one Sabbath in 1837 in an Old Light chapel in Aberdeen. On going to the vestry, and preparing to go to the pulpit, he asked the beadle for the cloak. The old man, disliking anything that savoured in the least of Popery, said very sharply, “ We left it at Troas." The preacher,

pulling his manuscript from his coat pocket, patly rejoined, “It is fortunate the parchments are not there also.” Archbishot Whately once received a Roland for his Oliver. The head master of one of the model schools complained that some of the officers entrusted 'with the inspection of the schools were unduly officious, and not qualified for the duty. “Surely,” said the Archbishop, “one can judge plum-pudding without being a cook.” “ True, your Grace,” retorted the master, “ but one is not qualified on that account to go into the kitchen and take the cook’s place.” An American Advertisement.—Near Oakland, the other night, a young girl who was unexpectedly interviewed by the family just as she was about to elope with the object of her virgin affections, knocked the old man down with a flat-iron, laid out her two brothers with a cistern pole, kicked the hired man in the stomach, laid the mother who had suckled her flat upon the top of a Hallet & Davis piano, lately bought at Badger’s, Sansome Street, and got away with her lover.

The wife of the late Professor Agassiz arose one morning and proceeded, according to custom, to put on her stockings and shoes. At a certain stage of this process, a little scream attracted Mr Agassiz’s attention, and not having yet risen, he leaned anxiously upon his elbow, inquiring what was the matter. “ Why, Professor, a little snake has just crawled out of my boot,” said she. “ Only one, my dear ? ” returned the Professor, calmly lying down again ; “ there should have been three.” He had put them there to keep them warm.

She would take a little Warm Ale.—At Durham Assize a deaf old lady, who had brought an action for damages against a neighbor, was being examined, when the judge suggested a compromise, and instructed counsel to ask what she would take to settle the matter. “ His Lordship wants to know what you will take ?” asked the learned counsel, bawling as loud as ever he could in the old lady’s ear. “ I thank his Lordship kindly,” answered the ancient dame ; “ and if it’s no ill-conwenience to him, I’ll take a little warm ale !”

Irish Wit and Courtesy. A sudden gust of wind took a parasol from the hand of its owner, and a lively Irishman, dropping his hod of bricks, caught the parachute. “Faith, ma'am,” said he, “if you were as strong as you are handsome, it would not have got away from you.” “Which shall I thank you for first —the service or the compliment ?” asked the lady, smilingly. “Troth, ma’am,” said Pat, again touching the place where once stood the brim of what was once a beaver, “ that look of your beautiful eye thanked me for both.” “ Your Ticket, Sir !” —On one of the northern railways there is a conductor named S., a clever, sociable, gentlemanly man, a great favorite with the company he is connected with, and the travelling public in general—fond of a joke, quick at repartee, and faithful in the discharge of his duties. During the past year, as his train, well filled with passengers, was crossing a bridge over a wide stream some seven or eight feet deep, the bridge broke down, precipitating the two passenger carriages into the stream. As the passengers emerged from the wreck, they were borne away by the force of the current. Our friend S. had succeeded in catching hold of some bushes that grew near the stream, to which he held for dear life. A passenger, less fortunate, came rushing by. S. extended one hand, saying, “ Your ticket, sir ; give me your ticket.” You can imagine the effect of such a dry joke in the midst of the water.

She was crossing the street opposite the Times office. Dressed in the height of fashion with skirts drawn tightly about her form, it was with some difficulty that she could move her limbs sufficiently to walk. When about the middle of the road she dropped a small parcel. Then the trouble began. She stooped over in front to pick it up, but her fingers could not reach it by at least eighteen inches. She changed her parasol into her right hand, and tried to reach it sideways, but her fingers did not get anywhere near the coveted article. Then she tried to glide down with a curtsey, but she might as well have tried to pick up a drop of water with a toothpick. A thought struck her suddenly. Quickly turning her parasol with the top on the ground, she glided a pretty little foot out from beneath snowy white skirts, and with a gentle kick the small parcel lay in the concave parachute.. The fair owner quickly drew up the parasol and recovered the treasure, when she immediately tripped off with the grace and agility of a girl just at full go on a skating rink.

Theodore Hook.—When Theodore was travelling along the south coast, he arrived in the course of his journey at Dover and alighting at the Ship Hotel, changed his boots, ordered a slight dinner, and went out for a stroll through the town. Returning at the appointed time, he was surprised to find the whole establishment in confusion. A. crowd had collected outside the door ; the master of the house was standing at the foot of the stairs with two candles in his hands ; he walked backward before him, and conducted him into the principal saloon, where all the waiters were standing, and a magnificent repast had been prepared. The wit was much amused at the dignity to which he had been promoted ; but, being an easy-going fellow, made no scruples, and sitting down, did full justice to what was set before him. Next day he signified his intention of departing, and ordered a coach ; when, to liis astonishment, a carriage-and-four drove up to convey him to his destination. He inquired, with some apprehension, what he was to pay for all this grandeur, and was no less astonished than gratified on receiving the answer, “ Nothing whatever, your Royal Highness." He was never more thoroughly mystified ; but the next day, on taking off his boots, which he Bad bought readymade just before he went to Dover, be found “ H.S.H. the Prince of Orange” written inside them. They had been originally made for the Prince, -who was then in England suing for the hand of Princess Charlotte, and notice had been given that all his expenses while in the country should be set down to the charge of the Government. A Fatal Mistake. —A citizen of France, who has an inveterate habit of confounding everything which is said to him, and has been endeavouring to acquire a knowledge of our vernacular, was about leaving his boarding-house for a more comfortable quarter. All the little mysteries of his wardrobe, including his last nether garment and umbrella, had been packed up, when he bethought to himself the unpleasant duty now devolving upon him, that of bidding “ze folks’” good-by. After shaking his fellow-boarders cordially by the hand, and wishing them, with incessant blowing, “ze verree best success in ze virl,” and “zee benediction du chief, ’ he retired in search of his “ dear landlady.” to give her also his blessing. He met her at the staircase, and advancing, hat in hand, with a thousand scrapes, commenced his speech : “Ah! madame, I’m goin’ to leave you. You have been verree amiable to me. madame ; I will nevare forget you for zat. If lam in my countree I would ask zer government to give you a pension, madame." The good lady put down her head and blushed modestly, while our Frenchman proceeded :—“Yell, I must go ; you know in zeeze life, madame, it is full of pain an’ trouble. If Got adopted ze virl vich Lamartine made in his poesie, zen zure should be no more pain. Adieu, madame, adieu! perhaps for ever.” Thereupon the Frenchman was making his exit, when he was suddenly called back by his landlady, who interestedly inquired—“ Why, M. C , you have forgotten your latch key.” M. C appeared amazed, apparently not understanding his interrogator. “Yes,” continued Mrs M , “you know it is the rule for all boarders to give me their keys.” “ Oh, madame !” interrupted the Frenchman, with enthusiasm, “ I will give you not one—not one, but zouzands !” and applying the action to the word, he sprang towards Mrs M , and embracing her tightly in his arms, kissed her most lieroicallv. The affrighted Mrs M recovering herself at’ length cried out; “ The key, Mr C , the key !” Frenchy, looking confused — confounded, ejaculates with heavy sighs ; —“ Oh, Madame ! I zot you ax me for one kees an’ I give it to you. Vat a fatale mistake !”