Intelligent Vagrant.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 227, 15 January 1876, Page 12

Intelligent Vagrant.

Quis scit an adjiciant hodiernse crastina summaa Tempora Di Superi.—Horace.

During the contest for the Wairarapa a neat mode of electioneering was developed. In an hotel one night several of Mr. Wallace's pets, the old settlers, were discussing the merits of the candidates. Mr. Flaxbush said he regretted having to vote against Mr. Blank, for that Mr. Blank was, as a private gentleman, a most estimable fellow. Flaxbush said, "Blank came to me to-day and said he wanted a really quiet horse that would carry a lady. I told him I had one that would suit him to a THe said that so soon as ever the elections were over he would come and look at the horse, which he had already heard of by report, and felt sure would suit him, and that he was prepared to deal so liberally that there was no fear of our quarrelling over the price. Now," continued Maxbush, "it goes almost against my grain to vote against a man of such liberal ideas as them. Messrs. Titree, Bullocky, Cotswold, and Komney, also old settlers with votes, cried out, "Why, that's exactly what Blank said to us this very day. He can't want five ladies' horses. He's only got one wife." And an idea has since possessed them that Mr. Blank was trying to get a vote out of each of them upon very slender pretences. The worst story about that Caledonian Committee's luncheon that was not eaten by the Artillery Band, and was eaten by somebody, has to come. The esteemed president of the society thought it would be a neat thing to ask the Governor and the Superintendent to lunch. Fortunately he asked the Superintendent first. When Mr. Fitzherbert saw the wreck that some ruffians had made of the lunch, he merely expressed himself in mute but withering scorn; but though he tried to wither the president with a glance, it had no effect. The president was saying to himself, " How lucky I didna' ask the Governor first, mon, t'wad hae been awfu'." They have not got the cable yet, and though I hope they may still make a job of the affair, I have my doubts. These are in consequence of the opinion expressed by a scientific nautical friend. I asked what this grappling for the cable was like, and he said that if I chucked a mutton bone off the Queen's wharf, and then went dragging for it with three fishooks tied back to back, I might possibly realise the exact state of affairs.

They stand men on their heads when they bury them in Wanganui. I anticipate the frightful names that the Chronicle will call me for saying this by stating that I am merely putforward a fact, and that I desire to be complimentary to Wanganui in the highest de«ree For it is a fact that a sailor was lately drowned there, and his body was recovered. After an inquest there was an mex-

penßive funeral, consisting of two grave diggers, an express waggon, a horse, and the body in a coffin. Having got to the grave, it was found that ropes for lowering the coffin had not been provided, so they rested the coffin on two pieces of plank across the grave, and went to look for ropes, but could find none. When they came back they found one bit of planking broken, and the coffin standing on its head in the grave. The grave-diggers were philosophers, and they reasoned that no corpse could be so particular as to mind exactly being not buried head first, so they buried it head first, and I do not know that it made much difference. Mr. Hurst, the Mormon elder, was sent away from Utah as an apostle, without scrip or purse. He needed neither. In conceit, ignorance, and impudence he is so richly endowed that he wants no further sustaining power, unless, indeed, it were the continuous kick which would appropriately sustain him on the united boot-toes of the inhabitants during his progress through the colony. If the claimant to those whales does not get them it will be a shame indeed. He deserves whales. He told me how he went a fishing at Ghariu for a shark 40ft. long, that had annoyed a boat's crew, with a hook about the size of a sheet anchor, and a hogshead for a float. He modestly added that not being in luck he did not catch the 40ft. shark, but merely, as one might say, a baby shark of 18ft. in length. A mutual friend who heard him telling this seemed incredulous, and I asked the claimant as a personal favor to take 15ft. off the 40ft. shark as it were, to allow for variation of compasses. But he wouldn't take off an inch. He deserves those whales. I have heard some conversation this week on the manner in which the New Zealand Times has classified Mr. Bunny in its list of the new Parliament. The Times has placed the letter D, signifying, so I am informed, " Doubtful,'' after* Mr. Bunny's name, thereby implying that there is a doubt whether Mr. Bunny will be with Ministers or against them. I heard one gentleman say that this was a mistake, and that the letter D was inappropriate. Another gentleman said, "So it is, upon my conscience ; it's D D they should have putto Bunny." Being pressed for the word which the second D would stand for, he gave one which I can only express thus : D . Do you know, sir, that I frequently find myself puzzled by the word " Government." One writer will make it nominative to a verb, or ally it with some other part of speech in the plural; another to a verb in the singular. This has kept me in a difficulty, as alternately inclining to the singular and the plural. But my esteemed friend of the Wairarapa Standard who has so frequently come to my relief, has solved the difficulty for me in the last issue of his valuable and widely-circulated paper. In that issue he said "The Provincial: Government have not as yet exercised its privilege of appointing' trustees." I shall follow this practice for the future, and give Government both numbers, so that in one instance at least I must be right. I do not know that Mr. Pharazyn deserves so much blame for his desire to economise in regard to the Mayor's salary. Mr. Pharazyn's views may be of a most economical tendency, and then from his standpoint he would be quite right. Indeed, he may be as saving as that man who once lost a gold ring, and would not go to the expense of advertising, but wrote out two placards, pasted them on thin boards, and hung them over his chest and back, sandwich fashion, so that he who walked or ran might read. That gentleman saved his money, but whether he got his ring or not I am unaware. However that is not the point, the question is had not the placard man a right to do as he liked ? Of course he had. Then has not Mr. Pharazyn the same right. Even the saddest circumstances are not without their jocular features. A gentleman in this town, burning with anxiety to see Smat, the author of the Hutt sensation, elbowed his way into the Police Court last Monday, and asked a friend to show him the criminal. _ Now it so happens, that the reporter's box in the Wellington Police Court occupies the exact position which popular taste would accord to the clock, and in that box at the time were two young gentlemen who do not think any vin ordinaire of their personal appearances. The gentleman who was asked to point out Smat pointed to where the two reporters sat, and said, "There's the wretch, with the warder alongside of him." The man anxious to see Smat took a long look at the reporters, and at last turned away and left, saying, " Well, the mere sight of him makes me sick in the stomach. Does he not look like a brutal wretch?" This anecdote has a merit I may say not usually attributable to anything told by me. It is true. ' I want just to say one word in favor of a friend of mine who appeared at the Theatre Royal last night. It is true that friend is a dog, but I can safely say, being honored with his' acquaintance, that he is a far more sensible and pleasant acquaintance than many a human being. What I like about Giff is his great modesty. Despite the position to which his talents have raised him, and of which he might be naturally proud, Giff is in private fife as affable and as pleasant a fellow as anyone ever met. One would expect him to be haughty, but he is not, he has no pretentious airs abo\it him.