Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 53, 27 January 1872, Page 16

Varieties.

Somebody calls a toper's nose a volcano, and the carbuncles eruptions of the crater.

Effects of Drinking-.—He who takes too many glasses will likely become a tumbler. Can an individual be said to be head and ears in debt when he hasn't paid his hatter ? When does a man feel girlish ? When he makes his maiden speech. G-et your money ready before getting out of an omnibus and before going into law. The popular mode of asking one what he will take to drink in Yicksburg, is, ' Please nominate your family disturbance.' An old gentleman of great experience says he is never satisfied that a lady understands a kiss unless he has it from her own mouth. ' What do you take me for, sir ?' said a gentleman to a cabman who had been grossly insulting him. 'Take yer for? Yy, I took yer for a shillin' a mile, but I find yer a snob, as only gives eightpence.' A lady asked a pupil at a public school, ' What was the sin of the Pharisees ?' ' Eating camels, ma'am,' quickly replied the child. She had read that the Pharisees ' strained at gnats, and swallowed camels.' There have been many definitions of a gentleman, but the prettiest and most pathetic is that given by a young lady—'A gentleman,' says she, ' is a humble being combining a woman's tenderness with a man's courage.' The ScottCentenaex.—Cottage near Edinburgh.—Old Rustic to his Wife—'Come awa, Peggy 5 ye maun gang to the toon the nicht.' Wife—' Oh, I canna be bothered, man. John We'll maybe gang the next time 1 ' The remark of a contemporary, ' that many of our successful lawyers commenced life as preachers,' is gracefully corrected by one of the legal gentlemen referred to, who begs to state that he began life as an infant. At a New Year's dinner an absent minded guest arose and apologised for the bad cookery and poor wines, under the supposition that he was at his own table, to the great annoyance of his hostess, and the inexpressible indignation of his own wife. A Western (American) paper thus sings the requiem of a departed contemporary : Leaf by leaf the roses fall, Dime by dime the purse runs dry, One bv one, beyond recall, Mushroom papers droop and die. The editor of a country paper says— * Wednesday's post brought us a letter addressed " Kev.," another " The Hon," another " C 01.," one " Mr," and the last " Esq." On the way to dinner we accidentally stepped on a woman's train, and she addressed us thus—' You brute!' When Foote was at Salt Hill, he dined at

the Castle Inn, and when Partridge, the host, produced his bill, which was rather exorbitant, the comedian asked him his name. ' Partridge, sir,' said he. ' Partridge! It should have been woodcock, by the length of your bill.' Washington visited a lady in his neighborhood, and on leaving the house a little girl was directed to open the door. He turned to the child and said, 'I am sow «»» ,sffU A ~— *■* j —j ---*" « ,B » r > *" ~ .. J( ,u so much trouble.' ' I wish, sir, she replied,' it was to let you in.' A worthy old Scotch gentleman having, upon the occosion of a commuuion Monday, taken a text of a practical or legal, as opposed to the more popular doctrinal character, was thus commended on by ah ancient dame of the con« gregation, who was previously acquainted with his style of discourse:—' If there's an ill text in a' the Bible, that creetur's aye sure to tak' it.'

Dr John Egerton, on coming to the See of Durham, employed one Due as his agent, to find out the true value of the estate held by lease under him, had in consequence of Due's reports, greatly raised both the fines and reserved rents of his tenants. On this account the following toast was frequently drunk in and about Durham :—' May. the Lord take the Bishop, and the d 1 have his Due !'

Genuine Convebsation. —Spnrgeon tells the following : —' I like the story of the servant maid who, when she was asked, on joining the Church,' Are you converted ?' ' I hope so sir.' ' What makes you think you are really a child of God ?' ' Well, sir, there's a great change* in me from what there used to be.' ' What is that change ?' ' I don't knoWi sir ; but there's a change in all things ; but there is one thing, I always sweep under the mats now !' Artemus Ward had just lost his father, and one day, at the store in his native village, he met a veteran drunkard, some 90 years of age, who had been constantly ' corned,' on new rum for about 40 years. 'Wall, Charles,' said the veteran, 'so you've lost your father!' Charles assented. 'Wall,' continued the veteran, ' I've neither father nor mother.' ' And the old cuss,' Artemus used to say, leaned up against a barrel of No 2 mackerel, and wept because he was an orphan !' There is a sharp rivalry just now in Alabama among different guano dealers. One of them, by way of showing the superiority of his guano over another, «ays that a farmer recently put a sample of it in his pocket, and started home on horseback. Before reaching home his steed broke down, and the farmer was at a loss to discover the cause, until he found that the carpet tack had grown to be a long bar of railway iron.' A writer in a London newspaper, describing well-known ' waiting' worthies, speaks of one celebrated arithmetician who used to furnish some such astounding statements of accounts as the following :—' Chops, sir ? Yes sir; one shilling, sir ; potatoes, fourpence—two and three; one rabbit, sixpence—three and five j pint of stout, sir ? yessir, for eighteen-pence—-four and tuppence 'apenny. Change half-a-sovereign sir ; yessir ; here you are, sir—three and sis-pence. Waiter, please sir!'