Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 52, 20 January 1872, Page 17

Varieties.

A Swell among- Flowers.—A dandelion. A little boy defines snoring as letting off sleep. Would you call an alderman a ghost if you saw him a-goblin ? The Japanese manufacture paper ‘ warranted to wash.’ People do not often die in healthy Scotch villages—Only once. Stage Carpenters.—Actors who saw the air and bore the audience. Why is a wife like a bad crown piece?—Because she is difficult to get changed. May a man, who is desirous of opening a wine and spirit store, be fairly accused of a vaulting ambition ? A gardener’s wife made a pincushion out of a Spanish onion, but she found it brought the tears into her needle’s eyes. Reflections should never be cast on a plain young lady for consulting her looking-glass ; she, at any rate faces her difficulties. Id America wives recover costs and damages from dealers in alcohol who supply an excessive amount of drink to their husbands. A young lady wants to know whether a girl may be sure a man loves her unutterably when he sits in her presence for an hour without speaking. 1 Tell the mistress that I have torn the curtain,’ said a gentleman lodger to a fema’ie domestic. ‘Very well, sir, mistress will pub it down as rent Two rival belies met at a ball. ‘ How well you look under gaslight!’ exclaimed one, with a stress on the gaslight. ‘ And how charming you are in the dark !’ answered the other. An American author has reason to believe that when the wages of the mechanics are raised to eight or terr dollars a-day the workmen will not come at all, they will merely send their cards. Conversation is the daughter of reasoning, the mother of knowledge, the breath of the soul, the commerce of hearts, the bond of friendship, the nourishment of content, and the occupation of men of wit. Thomson is nob going to do anything more in conundrums. He recently asked his wife the difference between his head and a hogshead, and she said there was none. He says that it is not the right answer. Dry Reading.—Can you relise Mrs Malaprop’s bewilderment at hearing her grandson read from an article in the paper about Rome, —* The ground is so parched that it is full of fishers’ ? Prudence and Foresight.—‘ Why do you put ybur dolls by so carefully, Maggie ?’— * I am keeping them for my children.’ * But suppose you don’t have any children ?’— ‘ Then they will do for my grandchildren.’ Miss Mary.—‘ How, Harry, if you are a doctor, prescribe for me. I’ve had a very bad pain about my heart. What can I take ?’ Dr Harry (thinking this the best opportunity he has had) —‘I’ve no doubt as to what is the best remedy to take—take me!’ A colored orator in Ohio the other day demonstrated the liberality o£ his views by exclaiming, * I pray I may lire to see the day when* the colored man may forget his prejudices so far as to be willing to receive all other races as his equals.’ Horrible Incidents in High Lire.— Young Whatshisname, a little bustled, and without thinking what he is about, gives his ‘Uncle’s’ card instead of his ovvn. ‘Which I never lieav of a gentleman as called hissel ‘ Coat-and-Vest Seven-and-Sixpence afore,’ said John Thomas. Conscientious Discharge or Duty.—' By the bye, how is it the post was so late this morning, Mrs Dimity ?’ ‘ Because there was such a many post card, my lady.’ ‘ Why, what has the number of post cards to do with it?’ ‘Well, I have to read ’em all mvself; and precious hard work it is for the money, I can tell you.’

A jeweller of Southbridge, Massachusetts, has made a silver low-pressure marine engine, every part complete, which covers no larger space than a silver quarter dollar. It is described as of ten-mosquito power. ‘Flat Experimentum in,’ &c, &c.—The Rector: Good morning, Mrs Smithers. How’s the baby ? Isn’t it rather early to bring him to church ? Don’t you think he’ll be restless ? Mrs Smithers : O, no, sir, he’ll be quiet, sir, which we took to the Methodis’ Chapel last Sunday o’ purpose to try him, sir. * Vulgar.—Sir Walter Scott once gave his daughter Anne a useful rebuke. She hapsay of something that she could not abide it—it was vulgar. * My love,’ said her father, ‘you speak like a very young lady ; do you know, after all, the meaning of the word vulgar ? ’Tis only common ; nothing that is common, except wickedness, can deserve to be spoken of in a tone of contempt; and when you have lived to my years, you will be disposed to agree with me in thanking God that nothing really worth having or caring about in this world is uncommon.’ Fat Men.—lb is a striking fact that most people want to weigh more than they do, and measure their health by their weight, as if a man were a pig, valuable in proportion to his heaviness. The racer is not fat, and a good plough horse has but a moderate amount of flesh. Heavy men are not those which experienced contractors employ to build railroads and dig ditches. Thin men, the world over, are the men for endurance and are the wiry and hardy. Thin people live the longest. The truth is, fat is a disease, and as a proof, fat people are never well a day at a time, and are not suited for hard work. Still, there is a medium between as fat as a butter ball and as thin and juiceless as a fence rail. For mere looks, moderate rotundity is most desirable, to have enough flesh to cover all angularities. To accomplish this m the shortest time, a man should work but little, sleep a great part of e tune, allow nothing to worry him, keep 1

always in a joyous, laughing mood, and live chiefly on albuminates, such as boiled cracked wheat, and rye, and oats, and barley, with sweet milk, and butter-milk, and fat meats. Sugar is the best fattener known.

Trapping an Audience.—Some years ago, an eccentric genius, the Rev Thomas P. Hunt, used to give temperance lectures,' One night he announced that he would lecture in Easton. Now, temperance was not.in favor among the male portion of that burg. The women, however, were all in for the ‘ pledge,’ and, consequently on Hunt’s first night, not a man showed himself in the hall. The benches were pretty well filled with women though, and Hunt commenced ; but instead of temperance, he put them through on the vanities of dress, &c. They wore great stuffed feather sleeves then. They—the sleeves—caught it, then their tight lacing, and so on through the whole catalogue of female follies ; not a, word about temperance. And the ladies went home hopping mad, told their husbands about it, and voted old Hunt down to the lowest notch. He had announced that he would lecture at the same place the next night. Long before the time appointed they had commenced to come, and when Hunt hobbled down the aisle, the building was comfortably well filled with men. The old fellow looked about, chuckled, and muttered : ‘ Hogs, I’ve got you now !’ The audience stared. ‘Aha, hogs, I’ve got you now !’ After the crowd had got quiet a little, the lecturer said : ‘Friends, you wanted to know what I meant by saying, ‘ Hogs, I’ve got you now,’ and I’ll tell you. Out West, the hogs run wild; and when folks get out of meat they catch a young pig, put a strap round his body, and hitch him to a young sapling that will just swing him from the ground nicely. Of course he squeals and raises a rumpus, when all the old hogs gather round to see what’s the matter, and then they shoot them at their leisure. Last night I hung a pig up. I hurt it a little, and it squealed. The old hogs have turned out to-night to see the fun, and I’ll roast you,’ and so he did, pitching into their favorite vice with a relish and a gusto.