Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 49, 30 December 1871, Page 7

Varieties.

Man ovev-bored —An editor. A rooted sorrow —The toothache. A new version of an old verse —Loathe the poor Indian! Woman —She spoiled us with an apple, but atoned for the wrong by forming a " pair." Why is buttermilk like something which never happened ? Because it hasn't a curd (occurred). They tell of a man out West whose hair is so red that he has to wear fly-nets over his head to keep the candle moths from flying in. A Brooklyn mother advised her daughter to oil her hair, and fanned flat when that candid damsel replied, 'Oh, no, maj.it spoils the genllemen ; s vests!' The young men at the American wateringplaces have discarded white vests. The young ladies use so much oil on their hair that a vest is only good for one evening on the piazza. A man in Cleveland broke his thigh in kicking off a boot. It is not stated whether his wife was talking to him at the time about coming home in that condition. ' Have you seen my black faced antelope ?' inquired the keeper of a menagerie. 'No,' said the visitor ; ' whom did your black faced aunt elope with ?' At a college examination the students were asked the meauing of the word ' hypothesis.' One candidate answered that it was 'a machine for raising water.' Another said it was ' something that happened to a man after death.' Couldn't Stand it. —A tailors apprentice, who seemed to be pained a good deal by the cross-leg attitude, was asked how he liked tailoring, to which he replied, ' Very well; but I believe I shall never bo able to stand sitting. 1 Forgot.—An English writer advises young women to look favorably upon tiioso engaged in agricultural pursuits, assigning as one reason that their ' mother Eve married a gardener.' He forgot to add, that in consequence of the match the gardener lost his situation. A dyspeptic read that by sending a dollar by mail he would receive a cure for dyspepsia. He sent the money, and received a slip with the following printed on it, 'Stop drinking and hoe in the garden.' The man was mad at first, then laughed, and finally went hoeing, and stopped drinking, and is as well as ever. A Tall House. —A Down-Easter lately came to New York, and took lodgings at one of the high houses. Telling the waiter he wished to be called in the morning for the boat, both of them proceeded on their winding way upward, till, having arrived at the eighth flight of stairß, Jonathan caught the arm of his guide, and accosted him thus, ' Sook here, stranger, if you intend to call me at six in the morning, you might as well do it now, as'twill be that time in the morning before I can get down again.' Billingsisms.—Poverty aud richness are mere imaginative distinctions. The man who can eat his bread and be happy iz certainly richer than ho who kan't eat it unless it iz spread with butter. Every human physical lump on the face ov this earth iz susceptible to flattery; sum yu kau daub it on with a whioewash brush, while others must hav it sprinkled on them like the dew upon flowers. I have notissed one thing, that the most virtewous and di.-kreet folks we have among ub are thoze who have either no pashuns at all, or very tame ones —it iz a great deal easier tew be a good dove than a decent Barpent.